Chapter Sixteen - Apology

"Renesmee?" Nahuel's voice woke me again. "Are you going to school today?"

School? I had forgotten about school.

"Your parents don't mind if you'd like to stay home," he told me.

"I don't know. I need a shower."

I grabbed some clothes and headed for the bathroom. I froze as soon as I reached the door.

"All night?" Jacob asked in a tiny voice. My heart panged at the sound, ripping my wounds open to bleed some more.

Why did he care who I spent my nights with? He saw me as something filthy. He did not want to be with me, so he had no right to even ask.

"Renesmee thinks that is none of your business," my dad said softly. "You've put her through a great deal -"

I hurried into the bathroom, plugging my ears. I did not want to hear anymore. I could not stand to hear another word from Jacob's mouth. I was stuck being hopelessly in love with him, and he did not want me at all. I could not be around him anymore.

I hurried into the shower, dragging it out for as long as I could. I blew my hair dry, brushed my teeth meticulously, and put my clothes on. I had unknowingly grabbed the tiniest shirt that I owned, and it made my decision for me - school was out for today.

I went back to my room, closing the door behind me. Nahuel was standing over my stereo, scrolling through my mp3 list.

"Sorry," he said when I was in. "I wanted to see the names of the bands you listen to. I love this new music."

"That's fine."

He looked up at me and smiled hugely. "You look lovely this morning," he said brightly.

I did not feel lovely, though. I felt absolutely hideous. Maybe I was.

"You should! You deserve to feel terrible!" my dad screamed from the living room. "No, Bella, it's true - you should hear the pain he's putting her through! He's made her feel like she's nothing!" he said exasperatedly.

Don't worry, Dad. He can't help but to see me for what I am.

"I have to get out of here!" Dad screamed.

This was not fair. I did not want everyone around me to suffer just because I had to. I plopped down on the bed and placed a pillow over my face to muffle the scream.

Nahuel was staring at me cautiously as I removed the pillow and jumped to my feet.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" I asked him.

"Sure, I'll drive you wherever you want to go, Renesmee."

I took his hand and headed for the door. Jacob was leaning against the wall in my living room, and I froze when I saw him. Anger surged through me as we stared at one another in silence. It filled every crevice of my being, pushing away the greif and pain that had predecessed it. It overtook me completely, and then made me do something extremely stupid.

I spun around and grabbed Nahuel's shirt, pulling his body right up against mine. I dropped his hand and grabbed the back of his neck. I pushed my lips to his violently, giving him no choice in the matter.

He did not mind my aggressiveness - he seemed elated. His lips pushed back at mine, kissing me in a way I had never felt before. His arms wove gently around my middle, and his hands caressed my back softly.

I might have enjoyed this, maybe even loved the way it made me feel, if I wasn't consumed with Jacob. He was the only man I could ever see, even now while I was in Nahuel's strong arms.

I knew then that I could have Nahuel, if I chose to. But it would never be a fair decision to involve him in. He really did care about me, and I cared back, but in a different way. I would always love Jacob, I would always see his face when I closed my eyes. If I could not have him, it would only be fair for me to be alone. Forever.

When I pulled away from Nahuel's embrace and looked at Jacob, he looked like he'd just been stabbed through the heart. And I was holding the dagger. Now I had hurt him..... something I never truly wanted to do. No matter how much pain he ever caused me, I still wanted him to be happy.

I ran out into the rain with Nahuel tailing behind me. The tears were already spilling over as we sat down in his car.

"Renesmee," he began slowly.

"I'm so sorry!! I don't know what I was thinking!"

"Don't apologize," he said quickly.

"No, you don't understand - "

"I understand perfectly. I know why you kissed me. If it had only been because you wanted to, you would not have done it right then."

"Then why would you say not to apologize?"

"Because, at least I got to kiss you. It was spectacular!" his eyes were bright with the memory before they calmed. "Nevertheless, you should not leave right now. You love Jacob, and he loves you. You two need to work this out."

"I don't think I can face him right now."

"You can. It's going to be fine. If you can forgive Jacob for what he's said, he can surely forgive you for what just happened."

I turned to look at him. "Where will you go?"

"I'll be back this evening," he said simply.

"Okay..... Bye, Nahuel."

"Goodbye, Renesmee."

I got out of his car and watched him drive away. I felt a strong twinge of regret for letting him go, but he was right. It was Jacob who had my heart, and I needed more than anything to make things right with him.

I stalked back into the house. Jacob was sitting on the floor with his face down. He looked up at me after a moment, and his face was wet with the tears I'd made him cry.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry!!!" I crossed the room to him, but kept a slight distance.

"Don't be," he said weakly. "This is all my fault. If I wasn't so stupid-"

"Don't say that!"

"It's the truth. I never should have said what I did the other day."

I looked at the ground. "You can't help your opinion. I'm not even sure that you're wrong."

"No, Renesmee! How could I ever even think something like that?! You are the most perfect and beautiful thing in this whole world, and I made you feel worthless," he sobbed.

"I am worthless!! I'm a faithless monster!!"

"No, Renesmee!" he said again. "I'm the only monster here. I understand if you would rather be with him. He deserves you more than I do."

"I don't want to be with him!! I don't want to be with anyone but you!"

"I don't deserve your love."

I threw myself into his lap. "Yes you do! You are the only one I could ever love, Jacob. I'm so sorry for what I've done."

"Don't be," he repeated. "If I wasn't such an idiot, you would have woken up in my arms this morning, you would have kissed my lips just now."

"That doesn't make it okay." I was disgusted with my actions.

"Yes it does. I could never be mad at you for something I caused to happen." he looked at me cautiously. "Nessie, I am so so sorry for what I said. I would take it back if I could. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

I looked down again at the reminder of his harsh words. "It's okay. That's just the way you see me."

"I don't see you that way! I never could - you are perfect!!"

"You wouldn't have said it if you'd never thought it."

"I've never thought anything bad about you. There's nothing bad to think of you. I only said that because I was so pissed at Nahuel - but that's no excuse. I told you before that I would never hurt you again, and now I've gone and done it in the worst way possible. I'm so sorry."

What did all of this mean? Did he still love me? Did he not think I was disgusting and vile?

"I'll always love you, Ness, and there is nothing disgusting about you at all. I'm the one who's sickening for making you even think that way about yourself."

"Are you sure that's what you think? I will ask Dad - if you only care about me because of your stupid imprint and don't like me at all, I will find out," I said harshly.

"I wish you could read my thoughts yourself, 'd see that I love you more than anything. I would kill for you - I would die for you. You'd see how flawless you are, and what an idiot I am."

"Will you do something for me, then? If you really do care?"

"Anything."

"I want you to apologize. To Nahuel."

"I will," he sighed. "I was out of line with him."

"I want something else, too." I looked into his eyes. "I want you not to beat yourself up over this. I forgive you for what you said, and now you need to forgive yourself. I want you to just love me, and not feel like you owe me anything."

"Renesmee, if you can forgive me for this, I owe you everything. If you take me back, I'll work the rest of my life to make it up to you."

"All I ask in return for forgiveness is you."

"You've got me, Ness. You've always had me, and you always will. Until the day that you realize how much better you can do, I'll be by your side. And even then, if you come to your senses and find someone better, you will still have my heart."

"There's no one better than you. I will always love you, Jacob Black."

"I will always love you, Renesmee Cullen. Forever."

"I hope so," I sighed. "I need you, Jacob. You're the sun, the air. I can't breathe without you."

He opened his mouth to respond, but I did not allow it. I kissed him softly, pulling my body closer to his. He was hesitant at first, but then his happiness was almost tangible. Heat and electricity surged through me again, and the room filled with the light of Jacob. This kiss felt exactly like the first one we'd ever shared. It was perfect.

"I agree," Jake said huskily, making me giggle.

"Jacob...... I really am sorry about this morning. I promise I'll never do anything just to make you mad like that. Again."

"That's why you kissed him?"

"Yeah. I can be pretty horrible."

"No you can't, Ness. So..... um..... What did you do last night?"

"Jacob - a little faith, please."

"Sorry. None of my business," he said cheerily, but I could see through his facade. This obviously bothered him very bad, he just didn't want to say anything that might make me angry with him since he had just won me back.

"We didn't do anything like that," I assured him. "We just talked, and slept."

"That's... awesome," he said, showing clearly how releived this made him.

"Did you really think I would do that?"

"I don't know.... it was eating me alive though, to think that I drove you away from me and into the arms of someone else. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else touching you the way that I do....... even if I didn't have a right to be upset about it since it would have been my fault."

"Would you still have me if I had?" I asked the floor boards.

"I would always want you, Ness. Even if you slept with a million men, it would never detract from the way I feel about you. If you'd been with him last night, I'd still get down on my knees and beg you for forgiveness. And I still wouldn't deserve it."

"I could never do that with anyone else. The only person I've ever seen that way is you. If you were gone, I would not look for someone else to fulfill my desires, because no one else could. If I lose you, I lose that feeling altogether."

"You make me the luckiest man alive, Renesmee. But I understand if you don't want to be with me like that anymore, after everything I've put you through." The sadness was evident in his eyes as he said this last part. He was way off par, though - I'd never wanted to be with him more than I did at this moment. I had his love, and I'd never felt happier in my life.

"I do want to be with you like that. Right now."

He looked up at me cautiously. "Are you sure? How can you forgive me so easily? How can you look at me and still feel that way?"

"Easy. I love you. I'd forgive you for anything, and I'll always feel that way about you." I kissed him sweetly as I pulled him to his feet and led him towards my bed room.