I do NOT own FF7. Geez, how many times do ya want me ta say it?

A/N: This one's for ya, Star Anise! Sorry it's a bit late, but I hope you like it all the same! :)

Tseng scowled out the window. Honestly, what was it with people and Christmas? It was long past the day of presents and mistletoe, and yet... And yet, Rufus was indulging in nostalgic memories of beer, beer and more beer. Again. The Chief of the Turks shuddered as Rufus hit the chorus again, "'Tis the season to be jolly, tralalala..lalalala..." Rufus had a stunning ability to sing all the wrong notes. In his opinion, the Shinras were as talented in the entertainment department as an orang-utan in the library. (i.e. utterly hopeless. With luck, the orang-utan wouldn't take anybody's head off, and with luck, he wouldn't have to put off with his superior's drunken carousing any more. Only luck like that would have to involve Hojo pole-dancing in fishnet stockings on a bar-top before it actually happenned.)

Obviously, he was in a very bad mood. It didn't take a genius to figure that out. His office had been, of all things, flooded with sewage, his precious, precious, precious shoes ruined, and all his paperwork gone down the drain. Effectively, this left him with absolutely nothing to do, and for a workaholic like him, it was pure torture. Worse, he was currently installed in Elena's office (oh, Leviathan, WHY?) and he had to endure the woman ogling him 9 to 5. Didn't he, as Rufus's right -hand man, Commander of the Turks, have a right to personal space? Apparently not, given the way Elena's eyes were glued on to him. He growled. His fingers were practically itching for a pen. And paper. There was really nothing like paperwork for stress relief, except that he didn't have any to do. And life just got better, of course.

"Tseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnngggggggggggg!!!!" A muffled, whiny voice emanated from the locked door.

Tseng sighed wearily,"What is it now, Reno?"

"Can I please stop now? I'm tired and my back hurts. Pleeeassseee? I'm reallyreallyreally sorry I flooded your office. I swear, I won't do it again! Ever!" Reno wheedled hopefully.

The Chief groaned inwardly. Reno was the most troublesome Turk he'd ever enlisted. Before Reno's entrance, he'd been proud to boast that he was the only Chief in the entire history of Shinra that had never developed a single white hair on the job. Now, to his utter despair, he had found twenty-seven. And counting... Thank Leviathan for Corneo's Hair Dye though. He had found some in Reno's drawer and used it, to good effect. Occasionally though, he had to wonder why his hair was a dubious shade of green as opposed to coal-black, but as long as it concelaed the white hairs, he couldn't care less.

"No. I told you, you can only stop when you've finished cleaning out my office, Reno. Get back to work. Now."

"But-" Reno was on the verge of wailing.

"No buts, Reno. If you don't stop whingeing and start working this instant, I'll give you a backache to cry about. Now get on with it!" He kicked the door warningly to get his message across.

Behind the door, there was some sniffling and cursing, notably something about a 'stupid, slave-driving, slimy-haired Boss-Man', but Tseng decided to ignore it. He could really do with a hot cup of coffee this morning, liberally sugared and smothered with cream.

"Elena! Can you please go get coffee from downstairs? I want lots of cream and sugar!"

"Sir, are you sure you don't want me instead, sir?" She leant forward, batting her eyelashes at him hopefully.

An uncomfortable silence reigned for three minutes. Tseng had to clutch on to the table for support. Him and Elena? Oh gods, no. Being stuck in a room withRufus singing his amazingly out of tune rendition of 'Tis the season to be jolly' suddenly seemed a more appealing option than staying here with this obviously deranged woman. His fingers instinctively stole to his gun in case she jumped him. Finally, he managed to gasp out,"No, that will not be necessary, Elena. Just... go get me the coffee, okay?"

Only once Elena had left the room then did Tseng drop his hand from the holster of his gun, sighing in relief. He knew he was good-looking, but that didn't mean he wanted insane women leaping onto him at every minute of the day. Or men for that matter, he thought sourly, recalling how Rufus had attempted - and failed, to kiss him yesterday, ending up snogging a perplexed Rude instead after he'd sidestepped his advances. Rufus didn't seem to mind much though, come to think of it. He shuddered, shaking his head to clear it from the disturbing graphic images that filled it. Time to move on to something else instead, perhaps.

At that moment, his PHS beeped, reminding him it was already 1600 hours on the 31st of December. Being a very task-oriented person, Tseng would already have completed his New Year Resolutions. In fact, he already had, somewhere back in October. Unfortunately, Reno's penchant for revenge and mischief had resulted in it being swept away to some far corner of Junon. (Tseng was rather correct on this count. His meticulously composed Resolutions were being used as a handy, abeit soaking piece of toilet paper by a chocobo. Mercifully, he wasn't there to witness the destruction of his work, or else a fourth Reich would have taken place.) That meant he had to rewrite everything all over again, much to his annoyance. He made a mental note never to let Reno come within a hundred-metre radius of his office ever again.

His search of Elena's table for a pen and paper turned out to be in vain. Her table was filled with the last gossip magazines, a number of which were on 'How to Snag your Dream Man'. To his horror and amusement, the articles were carefully highlighted, and there were even notes written in the margins. So that was why she'd turned up for work late wearing that funny hat - the one with a very ill-looking chocobo chick on the top. Apparently, it was supposed to express her desire for motherhood and nuptial ties. Right. He'd only ordered her to take it off at once, seeing as it made her stick out like a Bahamut in a field of daisies. After some more excavation, he uncovered pictures of himself he'd never even noticed had been taken. Some of them were rather unflaterring, given the circumstances he'd been caught in, i.e. sitting down on several of Reno's thumbtacks and being assaulted by three bad-tempered toads that had somehow made their way into his office, which was at least a hundred miles away from the nearest pond. Those he removed to burn later, determined that Elena not hoard them anymore. Much as adoration would be welcome, he drew the line at having his dignity compromised. She had even embellished them with hearts and kisses - what on earth was she thinking? At last, Tseng, grumbling, settled down with a lipstick and a page torn out from 'Kiss Him!' Really. He would have to have a word with Elena about filling her worktable with so much junk. Especially pictures of him. That woman certainly showed an unflinching talent as a budding stalker - who on earth would spend hours outside his house in the cold waiting to snap photos of him in the shower!!?

Tseng's New Year Resolutions:

1. Keep from developing any more white hairs. I may consider shaving bald, as it certainly saves a lot of time in the shower. Furthermore, I don't have to sneak into the HQ after hours just to snitch some more Corneo's Hair Dye from Reno's desk. The last time I did that, I got punched in the eye with his table's Anti-Burglar System and had to suffer double vision and more pranks, because he realised I couldn't see.

2. Start cackling and get myself a Masamune. Either that, or a pepper spray. Sometimes, you have to learn things from madmen to keep one's sanity. If used in the correct manner, I believe the Masamune would be an effective deterrent in keeping away BOTH Rufus and Elena, which I could really do without. And then I'll use the pepper spray to shut Reno up, who will most likely be laughing his head off about crackpot wannabes with a really bad aim.

3. In light of the current situation in the Turks, which has been rapidly degenerating (sex-crazed, perpetually drunk President, lovesick Elena, insane Reno and Rude, who's gone MIA), I have decided to enlist some fresh blood into the department. Notably, the new recruit will be Vincent Valentine, the ex-Turk. As procuring him might a problem, given his traumatic history with Shinra, I have decided to lay a trail of Popsicles* all the way from Shinra Mansion to the Turk HQ. Once he arrives here, I will mobilise Reno and Elena to subdue him and then issue him an ultimatum, saying that Lucrecia was tired of him bumming around like an aged hippie and wanted him to get into that nice, smexy Turk uniform again. That should do the trick. Note: Must learn from him how to keep hair shiny, long and black. Maybe I should buy a coffin. Exposure to ultraviolet light is bad, after all, and it's possibly causing me to turn grey before my time. I am still young, no matter what Reno says about my turning forty (Oh crap, can't I just stay 39 forever???) and becoming decrepit. He's just jealous that I'm Head Turk.

4. Punish Reno. He's becoming a little too big for his shoes, and reform is desperately needed to prevent him from becoming any bigger. I should think that spending sixty hours in Shinra's basement** cleaning up with only his saliva and a paintbrush would do very well indeed.

5. Move out of my current apartment to somewhere else, preferably very, very, very far away from HQ. It's stressful enough being Head Turk, and it's even more stressful finding out that someone has been stalking you for the past three years without you knowing it. Maybe I should go to sleep with my gun. Wait, I've already got one, so I'll just nick Rufus's shot gun to add to firepower.

6. - Here, Tseng was interrupted by Elena's laptop emitting a strange whistling sound. He dropped his paper, pulled out his gun and went over, very, very cautiously, to investigate. All the lights on her computer were blinking incessantly, but the screen itself was blank. This can't be good,Tseng ventured. He knew very little about electronics save his PHS, which was why he insisted on doing everything on paper. (Actually, it was more like Reno's wiring up of his PHS that changed his mind about upgrading to a laptop. Leviathan knows what Reno would do next with it. Something nasty, most likely.) He reached out gingerly and pressed the power button -

And was abruptly flung back as the laptop simultaneously combusted in fireball of flames and smoke. "What the-" Tseng choked, but then he was hurled through the door (curse wood and all its splinters) into the arms of a very delighted Elena. "Sir!"

Feebly, a dust-enshrouded and coffee-soaked Tseng opened his eyes. And looked up straight into his worst nightmare. Elena was going to kiss him. Yuck, no! The last thing he remembered before darkness claimed him was New Year's Resolution Number One: I am SO going to kill Reno. After I'm done with him, he won't even be able to laugh, because by then he'll be in so many pieces I'll have to stuff him into an envelope and ship him back home. It was abruptly followed by Leviathan have mercy as he felt Elena's lips on his. Before the kiss go on any further, however, he was out like a lightbulb.

*it was Vincent's favourite food, and he would brave Hojo and the all the fell legions of Shinra just to eat one. Want to see Vincent turn into Chaos? No problemo. Just eat one in front of him. You won't even have time to open your mouth before your head gets pulled off. Nice, huh?

** Shinra's basement is a continuous subject of contention among the Board of Directors. Rufus insists it's an architectural wonder; no where else, he says, can one see so many rat holes, termite-infested corners, spiderwebs, labyrinthine corridors to rival the Minotaur's and dusty, old armchairs which he'd gotten sick of over time and then discarded. Heidigger had no comment on this, choosing spend his time eating his doughnuts in peace on one of Rufus's ex-armchairs. Tseng used it to torture recalcitrant Turks, and once had Rufus exiled down there for a day. He later found the vice-President half-asleep on a sofa with a decayed doughnut.

A/N: More Tseng-torture. Oh yeah. Don't worry, though, Reno'll get his just desserts... soon. *smirks evilly*

For those of you that didn't get it though, Elena's laptop blowing up was the result of Reno's work. Remember his New Year's Resolution about her laptop which was just dying to be broken in? Yep. You got it.