I. Do. NOT. Own. FF7. *grinds teeth* Satisfied???
He was a long way up in the air, far from the comfort of his bed, blanket, pillow, and Mr Snuffles. In front of him, the sky loomed, huge and blue and unforgiving, spinning in front of his dazed eyes like a top. He cringed, valiantly fighting down a whimper. Where was Mr Snuffles when he needed him? According to Tseng's All You Need to be a Big, Bad Turk Handbook Vol I, Page 357, Turks were fearless. Also, Turks didn't cry. But Rude, all alone and sorely missing the solid, reassuring feel of hard rock beneath his feet, was teetering precariously on the Cliff of Tears. Especially when he realised there was no back to shrink to, and that he had overstepped, because, all of a sudden, he was falling, a tiny ragdoll spiralling down into the Depths of Utter Terror. Above and beneath him were vast tracts of sullen sky, the clouds moving in on him like massive jaws of death, Reno's manic laughter ringing in his ears. He screamed -
And woke up abruptly, shivering and soaked in cold sweat, with the telephone ringing in the background. His traumatised mind, one giant step behind his body, struggled to deal with the abrupt change in situation. As such, Rude did what he normally did when threatened - he seized Mr Snuffles and flung him, headfirst, towards the source of the noise. Usually, the bizarre appearance of Mr Snuffles - pink, purple and liberally covered in Rude's drool - would be enough to send the intruder screaming and running towards the nearest bathroom for a major self-disinfection. However, since the so-called intruder was in reality Rude's telephone and therefore an inanimate object oblivious to drool, it continued ringing. Rude groaned and retreated under the blanket until only the tips of his toes could be seen. Such a call, placed in the early hours of the morning, could not bode well. He had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with the Turks.
His fears proved correct. There was a 'mip!' as his answering machine sputtered to life and Rufus's annoyingly loud voice filled the room,"Rude! Rude, I know you're in there somewhere. There's no point in trying to hide, because the orders for milk to be sent to your house has more than tripled in the past few weeks*. Something's come up, thanks to your illustrious, deranged partner Reno." Here Rude winced. Invariably, whenever Reno did something, Rude was pulled in with him too. It was hardly fair, considering the amount of time he'd spent and injuries he'd received trying to subdue his hyperactive working partner. Come to think of it, that bruise he'd gotten five months ago hadn't faded one bit.
Rufus went on, ignoring Rude's sharp intake of breath, "Tseng's been hospitalised because Elena's laptop conveniently exploded while he was in her office. Doctor says it's a bad case of stress and trauma, and he'll be out of commission for five weeks or so. That means you have to come back, Rude. No, I don't care what it is that you're having, I'm your President and you will listen to me. So, I'll expect you back at work this morning. You'll need to get Vincent Valentine re-enlisted by the end of today - I don't care what you do, just get him. If not, I will confine you in a cell with Reno for the rest of... uhm, eternity or whatever it is and you can go insane without Mr Snuffles. Is that clear?"
Rude couldn't help himself and let out a wail at the thought of the horrifying idea. Remove his Mr Snuffles? He shuddered and wrenched the bedclothes even tighter over his shiny pate.
Rufus sighed,"Rude, don't be rude. I'll see you later." The line went dead.
Such was the life of a Turk. Used, abused and confused. All for the wrong reasons, of course. Groaning, Rude stumbled out of bed and proceeded to dress. Better to get it over and done with than suffer the wrath of Rufus.
Six hours later, Rude was heartily beginning to regret that he'd ever given Rufus his telephone number. He had done the easy bit of the mission: hijack a car - he'd just pushed the driver out onto the road, "Oi, you thug! Gimme back my car, damnit!!! I'll be reporting this to Shinra!** You won't be getting away -AARGH!" as said driver got knocked down by Loz pulling one of his motorbike stunts, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" And then Rude had driven the fifty miles or so out into the backcountry, exceeding the speed limit and flipping off anyone who'd dared to cut into his lane.***The really difficult bit now, however, was to knock on that door and convince Vincent to return. He was feeling woefully unprepared. All he had was an extremely charred bit of paper from Tseng which mentioned something about 'Popsicles' and 'Lucrecia', and even then he wasn't very sure what exactly his boss had been getting at.
He looked down at Mr Snuffles, tucked snugly into his jacket pocket as usual,"So what do we do now, Snufflekins?"
Mr Snuffles gazed blankly back at him. The bear had a speeding ticket plastered over one eye, presumably from the police car that Rude'd accidentally rammed while exiting from the highway. He peeled it off and patted its head absent-mindedly. Fluffing oozed from a burst seam on the bear's sides. Rude sighed,"I'll take that as a go-ahead then. You'll remember me, won't you Snuffles?"
He gave his sunglasses one more polish to for the menacing 'I'm big, bad and mean,so think twice before you cross me' look, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.**** If he was going to go, he might as well do it in style. On the bright side, he would be spared from eternity with Reno. On the bad side, he probably wouldn't see Snuffles anymore, either. Oh well.
Rude might have prepared for an instant death, but he certainly wasn't prepared for the sight that met him as the door was thrust back from its hinges, the wood rupturing under Chaos's great weight. The gunman was armed to the teeth, and when he said 'teeth', he meant it literally. It looked as if Vincent had somehow managed to swallow a mouthful of knives. In one hand, Chaos held a bazooka; in the other, Death Penalty. And both were aimed at him. He dived.
"NOW LISTEN!!! CHRISTMAS IS OVER, THE NEW YEAR IS PAST, AND VALENTINE'S DAY IS MORE THAN A MONTH AWAY!!! SO YOU CAN JUST GO AND -" Here, Chaos realised that there was no one in shooting range, and halted, puzzled. There was a pathetic whimper from beside his leg, and he looked down, bewildered. Rude had curled up into a ball, looking very much like a bald, spine-less hedgehog. Ah. A Turk.
"Uh. Can I come out now?" Rude asked in a very small voice.
"Oh. It's you." Chaos muttered. He dropped the bazooka and started riffling furiously in his pockets, unearthing several dozing mice, a battered handkerchief, two tubs of hair cream and finally, a very ancient bit of paper. "Take this!"
"Vincent's Popsicle Song:
Oh, I long for something
That's nice and oh-so-sweet
That begins with the letter 'P'
And ends with the letter 'e'
Any flavour,
Any colour,
Any time -"
"Wait, this isn't it." Chaos growled, breaking off mid-song and looking annoyed. "I swear I did put it here somewhere... Anyway, you heard me. I see Turk, I pull trigger, Turk dies. End of story." He aimed Death Penalty at Rude, who inched backwards carefully.
"Umm..." The bald Turk racked his memory desperately, looking for something...anything to prolong his life several more seconds. In police shows, the cops always talked to the bad guys first to calm them down, right?***** But what words were there to address a singing, red-caped, maniac? Finally, Tseng's instructions came to mind.
"Popsicle?" He giggled, a bit nervously.
"Where!? Bring 'em out now... or you DIE!" Chaos brandished Death Penalty in Rude's face.
"Erm... I don't have any with me now? B-But, if you come along with me, there'll be lots of popsicles. I promise!" He gabbled hastily as Chaos glared at him.
"What kind?" The gunman looked extremely suspicious.
"Any kind you like?" Rude ventured.
"Even the tandoori flavoured ones? I've tried ages to get them, but somehow I never did." Chaos asked, looking hopeful.
There were tandoori-flavoured popsicles? Really? Rude's mind whirled,"Uh...yeah. Even those."
"Okay." To Rude's undying relief, the gunman looked rather satisfied. But then his brow furrowed again,"I don't trust you."
"What? But of course you can trust me! I mean, I'm Shinra! I'm the government! And the governemnt... The government.. uh, takes care of its people, right? Right?" Rude was almost begging.
"You're a Turk. And a Turk ate my entire collection of Popsicles."
"That was Reno! It had nothing to do with me, I swear! I'm Rude, not Reno!"
"Hmm...." The gun never wavered from his head. "Okay. But on two conditions, Turk. One: I get a lifetime's supply of Popsicles, any flavour I want. Two: I even my score with Reno."
"Wh-what are you going to do with him? Hey, stop - I can't let you just kill my partner - "
Chaos sighed, almost patiently,"Can I remind you that I'm the one holding the gun, not you? That means, I call the shots. Heh. Heh." ***** He laughed at his own joke.
Rude winced."So what's it going to be, Turk?" There was a click as Chaos tugged off the safety catch.
"Alright! I agree! You can do whatever you want! Just don't- don't shoot me!" Rude yelled, flinching away from the gunman. Dying on the job was all very well, but he'd rather do it nobly, preferably with an M16 rifle and have the satisfaction of knocking off a lot of baddies before he went, rather than expiring in a dilapidated country house just because his gun could only spout out jets of water instead of bullets.******
Chaos smirked and hauled him roughly onto his feet. "Good. So let's go. Onwards Popsicles!"
Rude wondered vaguely how he was going to explain that to Tseng, but then decided it was going to be the least of his worries as Chaos started bouncing happily on the Chevrolet's seats in time to the stereo. "Sit DOWN!" Mission accomplished, but at what cost?
*So Rude drank milk. So what? Everybody did, in some form or other; in their coffee, tea or whatever they drank. He didn't see why drinking it out of a bottle with tiny dancing elephants painted on it was any different.
** He never got why they all threatened to report him to Shinra. Damnit, he was Shinra, he heard it, yeah, but that didn't mean he was going to stop stealing cars. It was a Turk thing.
***Bits of car and various miscellaneous body parts now littered Route 405, the most scenic route to the most peaceful town in Midgar as touted by Shinra. Reeve was totally going to butcher him when he got back, for sure.
****Turks had different ways of dealing with stress. Tseng's was The Look. It meant you had less than a second to get out of his office before you died a very, very, very horrible death. Elena just Screamed - yes, with a capital 'S'. He ought to know, after all, he'd been unfortunate enough to experience it first-hand. Needless to say, it was extremely unpleasant, and it provided him with a stunning revelation why she'd never been married. Reno just - look, you were bloody lucky if you didn't get chimpanzees in your table or anything like that. Sadly, such luck rarely hapenned.
*****Rude got all his tips from watching John Woo movies - hence the sunglasses and the brooding silence. It was a pity he didn't really have the moves to match. But you never heard that, okay?
******Chaos loved puns. It had to do with being stuck in a coffin for thirty years. Come on, even demons get bored.
*******For some reason, Rude had never been issued a real gun after being partnered with Reno. Go figure.
A/N: I'm sorry there isn't an Elena take on the situation... yet. It's coming right after this chappie, I promise! I tried to write Elena ( seriously, what is wrong with you, woman!? I let you kiss Tseng, and you won't be nice to me!?!?), but for some reason, it didn't turn out very well, so I deleted it and decided to write Rude first. Personally, I'm not very satisfied with this, I feel that Rude's a bit too OOC right now. But as you can see, it's the first brick on Reno's Road to Perdition. Review, please? I really need to know what I'm not doing right. And uh.. I'm sorry if they're too many footnotes as well.... It was the first day of school yesterday, and I was tired. :( Final year really sucks.