Loss of Faith

Chapter 3: Roadtrip

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters contained within.

That would be Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc….

We're gettin all kindsa looks from people comin in and outta the Denny's so I say to Xand, "Let's get gone. I'll tell ya what I remember while we drive."

"You're coming back then? Do you think it really could be Buff?" He asks me.

I answer him with a sigh, "Yea. I'm comin with ya. It could be Buffy, but I won't know till we get there. Let's pick up my stuff first then we'll head out." Man, the last thing I want is for Xander to be right, but I owe it to B to be sure. And I can't do that unless I go back. I must be outta my mind, I'm actually goin back to Sunny D on the off chance that my vampire girlfriend, vampire ex-girlfriend, is still there. While I'm at it, I'll hafta try to avoid a slayer that thinks I'm psycho and wants to turn me over to the Council. Why does my life always hafta suck so bad? It'd be nice if once, just once, I could have something that isn't taken away as soon as I get it.

We climb into the car and I lean way back, restin my head against the door. We drove in silence after I told Xand how to get to the place I been stayin. When we get there I run in and grab my duffle bag and just start throwin stuff in. Neat packin has never been my strong suite, just stash and dash was always more my style, so it doesn't take me long. The dude that lives here is out somewhere and I don't leave a note. He got what he wanted from me and I figure I don't owe him nothin.

Comin outside I throw my bag in the back of the car and hop in the front. Xander is pullin away almost before my ass hits the seat. In a rush much? He heads us outta town and back towards the Dale and I start getting my thoughts together as he gets us on the highway headed south. I can feel myself shakin inside as I get ready to tell him what I remember of that day. I look at my hands and see the slight tremor there, so I grip them together till the knuckles turn white and the shakin stops. I'm still shakin on the inside though. I feel the trembling runnin through my body like a mini earthquake that only I can feel. Ya know what? I'm nervous. No, not nervous. I'm scared. Scared shitless of what I'm about to do.

We get on the highway and I figure I better start in. No sense makin Xand ask again and I know he will. Sometimes he can be like a dog with a bone. He just won't let some shit go. Without lookin over at him, I say, "I went to the mansion earlier that night to meet B. When I walked in she was busy threatenin some guy on the phone over buyin the mansion. It wasn't her typical, idle, 'I'll rip out your rib cage and wear it as a hat' kinda threat either. This one she meant. She told the guy they would find pieces of him into the next century and she seemed like she wanted to do it."

Xander glanced away from the road for a minute and looked at me with his mouth hangin open.

"Yea, I know, that was pretty much my reaction too," I glance over at him and can see his jaw snap shut as he clenches his teeth. "I went in and made some smart assed comment about sendin round the goon squad and she got real pissed off. It was like she couldn't control herself or didn't wanna. She snatched me up in the air and started talkin bout her markin me, ownin me."

"Wait a minute," Xander breaks in, "What do you mean 'marking you'?"

I turn to him in my seat and pull my hair back. His eyes get wide as he sees the set of bite scars on my neck, sitting just below my ear. The scars haven't faded yet and I really don't think they're gonna.

The car swerves a little as he shouts at me, "Jesus Christ Faith! You let her bite you? Are you out of your mind?"

"Look dude, you got no idea what was goin on and it isn't like I 'let her' bite me," I tell him. "It just kinda happened while I was distracted. So back off."

"Um, distracted how, may I ask?" he says and he's got a stupid ass smile growin on his face that tells me his mind just went to a very happy place. "I think the details could be very important. You should tell me everything and not leave out one single detail." Now his smile has turned into a grin, so I give him a swat on his arm to get his mind to focus.

"Uh uh, Sorry Xand. Not gonna share. You'll just hafta use your imagination," I tell him, though I'm pretty sure his imagination is already workin overtime. "Anyway getting back to what happened at the mansion. I broke her hold on me and told her no one owns me. Man, I thought we were gonna throw down right there. Then she kinda comes back to herself. Almost. Somethin still wasn't right with the way she was actin though. I took off to do a patrol after we said we'd meet at sunrise on the pier. I had givin her the gem of Amara the day before, so we were gonna watch the sunrise." Then I continue in a softer voice, "It was gonna be my last, cause I'd pretty much made up my mind to let her turn me."

This time the car did more than swerve a little. Xand damn near ran us off the road and into a concrete barrier. I probably woulda been alright, but Xand-man woulda been in some serious hurt. I reach over and grab the wheel and turn us outta the way just in time. I stomp on the brake and we slide to a stop on the shoulder of the highway.

Xander's not even lookin at the road now. His attention is totally on me. He's starin at me like I sprouted a second head and turned green. He looks too stunned to speak and his mouth is just flappin open and closed like a door on a broken hinge. Without sayin anything he throws the door open and jumps outta the car. Now, I've seen Xander scared, happy, sad, and mad before, but nothing compared to what happened next. He frickin erupted. There's no other way to explain it. Any other time he woulda realized I could throw him clear across the six lane highway we're on and kept himself in check. There was a look in his eyes that tells me Xander wasn't home right then. He stormed around the car, ripped my door open, and hauled me outta the car like I was a rag doll. I guess it's true when they say crazy people are stronger, cause I swear he lifted me so quick my feet didn't touch the ground.

He spun me around and pushed me up against the car and started shoutin in my face. "Are you friggin kidding me? Do you know what would of happened if you let her do that? Christ Faith, the two of you running around on the Hellmouth. As vampires? Didn't you think we had enough problems with the yearly apocalypses? What, you had to give us something more to deal with? God damn it, didn't you care what would have happened to the rest of us? How could you have even considered that shit?"

"I know, I know, but at the time she was more like herself," I tell him. I'm tryin to be calm cause I know that little revelation hurt him, but if he doesn't get his hands off me soon I'm gonna remove them for him. I try to calmly explain it to him, but I don't like bein crowded and my voice starts getting harder the longer I speak. "She was B, Xander. I thought she woulda been able to control the demon. I mean, she kept tellin me the slayer would help her keep control, ya know? Even Giles said it was possible. Now you gonna let go of me or are we gonna hafta stop by a hospital and get your arms reset after I break them?"

That kinda brought him back to himself and he let go of me so quick it was like he was burnt. He jumps back about two feet and starts rubbin his hands on his pants like he doesn't know what to do with them. He turns away from me and walks off a little way then turns back.

"Faith," he says and his voice is still kinda ragged, "I know how much you cared for Buffy. I get that, really I do. And I know that her being able to show she cared for you must have been like a dream come true. But. You do not kill the ones you love. If Buffy was in her right mind she never would have tried to talk you into that. She never wanted it for herself." His voice gets gentle as he says to me, "Even when she was with Angel and thought he was her one true love, she never, ever, once thought about having him turn her."

Funny thing is, I know all that was absolutely true. B never woulda let herself be turned. I mean, even when she didn't have a choice and that bastard vamp changed her, the first thing she did was dust him and his clan. I kinda knew that, in like the back of my mind. I just didn't wanna admit it to myself. It was one more piece of proof that she wasn't B anymore and I was tryin so hard to lie to myself that she wasn't changed. That she had control. Well that night ripped away all my lies.

I'm lookin at the ground when I tell him, "I know all that. I realized it later that night while I was patrolling. I was walkin through a cemetery, kinda letting the thoughts drift through my mind, when I walked into a vamp. We started fightin and I dunno, something in me just snapped. I realized that this was all Buffy was now. An undead shell of who she was. I realized that she couldn't control the demon, it was takin her over, more and more every day. I went crazy on that vamp, man. I beat him and beat him till every bone in his body was mush. With every blow I came closer to realizing what I had to do if I really loved her. I finally pulled my stake and dusted the vamp, then turned to leave. Buffy was losin to the demon and I had to set her free."

I go on in a low voice, "I didn't know Giles had Red workin on a spell, I didn't even think about telling him what I was gonna do. I just left my journal so he would find it and hoped it would be enough to explain. I didn't have the guts to tell him and I thought I was gonna die with her. And now you show up to tell me she might still be alive. She might have lived through me tryin to burn her, to kill her……."

Tears are runnin down my face now and Xander comes over without sayin a word. He slips his arms around me and I lean into his shoulder to just let out some of the pain I been carryin around. It's been a coupla months that this shit has been building up and he just stood there, holdin me by the side of the road, letting my tears and snot soak into his shoulder. He didn't tell me it was alright and he didn't tell me it would get better. See I told ya Xand gets it.