Loss of Faith

Chapter 4: Heading Home

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters contained within.

That would be Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc….

Xander's POV –

The thought, 'Holy waterworks, Batman!', crosses my mind. I just can't believe Faith has that much mucus in her. My shirt is drenched through and has that cold slimy feeling where it's sticking to my shoulder. Not that the price wasn't worth it, to be able to hold her for a while. I mean, hello, hot chick with super powers. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. I have to remember that I was there for her cause she's my friend, not for her rubbing up against me while she cried. Again with the bad thoughts. Concentrate on something else, yea, how about the car. Get her back in the car and head back to the Dale. Damn, even with her eyes red and her mascara running she's still beautiful. No wonder Buffy wanted her. And if she showed her true feelings to Buff, that would have just made her want her more. Buffy was always about having someone to love and be there for her forever.

I pull back from Faith a little and tilt her head up as I say, "You about ready to move on?" I know that has a double meaning and figure she'll answer however she wants.

"Yea," she says, "Ya gotta any tissues?" Then she wrinkles her nose, "And maybe a spare shirt for yourself, cause I sorta trashed the one you're wearin."

I give her a grin and say, "A tissue? I can do better than that, how about a handkerchief? As far as the shirt, I do happen to carry a spare. What with all the demony stuffing that I usually get splashed with I'm used to them getting trashed."

She steps back from me and takes a long breath as I dig out the handkerchief for her. I go around to the trunk of the car to grab that spare shirt and give her a few minutes to pull herself back together. It's kind of funny. Back when Faith first came to Sunnydale she never would have broke down like that in front of me. Or anyone for that matter. She was always about being the 'all I need is myself' chick. That is except for when she was around Buffy. Everyone could see that Faith was looking for something more from the Buffster. Everyone except Buffy. I mean, yeah, she tried to play off as being a loner, but every time a chance came up for her to be with Buffy, she would go out of her way to make it happen. Like the Homecoming dance for instance. Faith always acted like school events were pretty lame, then she goes ahead and invites Buffy to the dance with her. She played it up as a way for Buff to get over Scott Hope, but I had a feeling it was something more. She wasn't even enrolled in the school. And to go out and buy a dress for the occasion was really what gave it away. At least to me it did. I know what it's like to never have any money and Faith went all out that night with a slinky black evening dress that just about knocked everyone's socks off. Everyone but Buffy, that is. She was too busy recovering from the Slayer fest 2000 festivities with Cordy to even notice. I know that must have really hurt Faith, but she'd never show it.

I changed out my shirt and move over to open the door for her and she says, "Thanks Xand, but I got it. Been openin my own doors for quite awhile now, don't think this one's gonna be able to take me down."

She's giving me a smirk so I know we're good. It's probably as close to a 'Thanks for being there Xander' as I'll ever get from her and that's okay. I know she appreciated it and she knows it'll just stay between us. Ever since she woke up in the hospital we've been getting closer. I didn't pressure her with any questions or explanations about what happened. I just listened to the way she answered everyone else's questions. Faith actually said more by what she didn't say if you listened close enough. Giles had let us read through her journal when we weren't sure she was going to live and that pretty much confirmed everything I already knew. Faith loved Buffy, Buffy loved Faith but couldn't show it, and Faith was going to jump at the opportunity to be with her. Game over. I'm still wigged that she would have actually let Buffy turn her into a vamp. I didn't think she'd go that far, but thinking about how they were together now, it makes a kind of sense. A bizarro world kind of sense, but sense never the less.

I get behind the wheel and start the car moving again. Faith is sitting slouched down with her feet up on the dash and her eyes closed. I'm thinking she might just fall asleep for the rest of the ride when she starts talking. There's no tremble now, her voice is just low and has that smoky rasp sound that makes you just have to listen when you hear it.

She says, "After I left the cemetery, I went home and said a silent goodbye to Joyce. I had decided to meet Buffy at the ocean and was going to take the gem of Amara off her at sunrise. I already knew I would have to hold her there while the sun came up and at that point I was fine with it. I didn't really mind dying for B at all. I grabbed my journal from the house and wrote out what I was gonna do before I stopped at Giles' place. I wanted him to find it later and know why I had to do what I did, ya know?"

Giles had told us about finding the journal right after Faith left and calling Willow to start the ensouling spell. I still don't get why he didn't tell Faith earlier about having Willow working on it. Even though it didn't work, it might have given Faith a little hope. It would of let her know she wasn't dealing with all that crap alone. I'm not sure why they left me completely out of the loop either. They're my friends and family but sometimes they act like I' don't exist. Something else I had in common with Faith. I nod my head and keep listening.

"So we're at the pier and I'm holdin her and she's talkin about the future we'll have together. All the time I'm tryin to psych myself up to do it. There's this feelin of power building in the air around us and I'm thinkin that this is it, the demon is finally gonna win and I'll be standin there to see it. A shudder goes through her and her face changes back to normal and she's lookin at me like she really sees me, maybe for the last time. So I know it's now or never and I kiss her, and ask her to forgive me and pull the gem offa her hand and throw it in the water behind me."

It hits me then. Something I hadn't realized before cause I never asked her about that day. The spell worked. Holy Jesus, the spell worked and Faith knows that it worked. No wonder she had to take off like she did. I feel my heart break a little for the pain and suffering she must have been going through. She took off and carried that burden alone with no one to talk to or share it with. Man, the strength in this girl just keeps on amazing me. Nothing I can say will make it easier on her so I say the only thing I can, what I feel. "I'm so sorry, Faith."

"Yea, me too Xand," she says. She opens her eyes and their shiny but the tears aren't falling. I guess she cried them all out for now.

"So, I'm' holdin her and I feel the sun startin to do its work," she continues. "Buffy realizes what's goin on and starts twistin and turnin to get away. One of her arms clips me on the head and knocks me back through the railin and into the water. The last thing I see as I hit is her movin towards the rail and I called out her name then blacked out," she finishes softly.

Something else just occurred to me, and even though I don't want to cause her anymore pain, I just have to ask. "Faith, before you left things were kind of weird whenever you and Giles were in the same room together. In fact, you two were only in the same room once or twice and that was at the hospital." She doesn't offer any comment so I keep on going, "Willow told me that you said the ensouling spell didn't work, but it did, didn't it? That's what changed in Buffy at the end?"

I look over to her as I ask and she's looking down at her lap, playing with the rings on her hand, but she gives me a nod.

I look back at the road and the rest of it falls in place for me. I say to her while nodding my head, "I get why you didn't want to tell Willow that it worked. I can even forgive you for not telling me." If I'm right she still has some rage issues she's going to have to face before we get back to Sunnydale. I'll try and keep her away from Giles and Willow, but they're probably going to run into each other at some point. The town just isn't that big. I ask the next question because I want to hear her say it out loud, "But what I don't get is why you told Giles? Why put him through that?"

I look over at her again as I ask the question and now I see her eyes come to life for the first time since I looked in them at the jail.

Her voice has lost the soft raspy tone and turns hard as she growls out, "Cause he deserved to know exactly how bad he fucked up by not trustin me. I had to hold Buffy while she burned. I had to give up everything I always wanted cause I thought I had no choice. When I found out he had Willow do the spell and then realized it worked BEFORE I took the gem from her, I coulda killed him. If you guys weren't in the hospital room when I figured it out, I probably woulda killed him."

The venom in her tone is enough to send a chill down my spine and I am eternally thankful that I didn't know they were trying the spell. I wouldn't want that kind of hate from Faith directed at me. I'm thinking the only reason Giles is still among the mobile is because he's been so good to Joyce. That and the fact that Faith left town. She must have been running from more than just the memories.

Alright, here's where being sensible guy comes in handy. I tell her in a calm voice, "Yea, not telling you about Will probably wasn't one of the best ideas Giles ever had, Faith. If it makes you feel any better, I was left out of the telling too. But, and I know I'm taking my life in my hands here, you should have been a little more with the sharing also." I feel her eyes snap over to me and can hear the arm rest start to creak under her grip.

I rush to get the rest out before she can start arguing back, "I mean, if you had trusted us more, maybe letting us in on Buffy being of the undead, we could have tried to help and it might not have gotten to the point it did." Then I throw in, "Can you please try not to break the car apart while we're driving?"

She lets go of the arm rest and turns to face me. She says, "Don't ya think I know that, Xand? Don't ya think I hate myself for that? For maybe wastin the chance to save her, just cause I didn't say anything to ya? Christ, that's all that's been goin through my head these last month's. All the coulda, shoulda woulda, shit."

Okay, she's facing the anger, now I gotta help her redirect it. "Look, you can't hate yourself for what you didn't know, Faith. But you can't hate Giles for what he didn't know either. You both thought you were doing the right thing for the people you loved. That's the best anyone can do. I'm not telling you to forget it happened. I'm just asking you to try and forgive him and yourself for being human."

I hear her take a deep breath and blow it out. I can feel some of tension in the car go out with her breath and I think we're gonna be alright. She says, "Human huh?"

I give her a grin and say, "Well mostly human. You have to remember I've seen you eat and the jury is still out on that one."

She laughs and it's a genuine laugh for the first time in hours. She says, "Yea well, let me know if the decision ever comes in on that, kay?" Now she seems much more relaxed so I guess it's time to get back with the serious.