So, I'm horrible for leaving you guys hanging for so long. I thought I would have plenty of time to write during my spring break, but I ended up spending all my time with family and friends. I will try to update as soon as I can this time around.

As always thanks to my wonderful beta for always giving me her honest feedback! And thanks to O.A.R. for their song "Love and Memories" which is where I got the title for this chapter.

Please read and review! I love your feedback!

"Love and Memories"

Vultures… they were all disgusting vultures. I took a deep breath as I looked out the window of the sleek black limo Chuck had sent to pick me up from work. The front of Serena's building, where Bella and I had been staying since the horrific incident by the park a week ago was a virtual mob scene. Photographers and reporters pushed and shoved on the snow covered sidewalk. They were all eager to get the perfect snapshot or sound bite from the soon to be ex Mrs. Archibald.

I knew the details of Nate's affair would come out, but I'd naively hoped that I'd have more time to prepare myself. But I'd known something was up this morning when I'd arrived at the office and my secretary had hidden the newspaper from me. She'd insisted that it hadn't been delivered yet, which was ridiculous, considering it had been delivered on time everyday for the three years I'd worked as the public relations director at Eleanor Waldorf Designs. The second clue came when my mother, who should've been in a morning meeting, appeared in my office, clearly distraught, despite her best efforts to hide it. She'd actually hugged me as she handed me the newspaper. That was another clue; hugs from Eleanor Waldorf were a rare and scarcely seen occurrence. There, on the cover of The New York Times, in big, bold letters was, "Congressman Archibald's Big Secret – Affair and Love Child Destroy Marriage."

The paper was right; my marriage was over. Cyrus had already begun filing the necessary paperwork. There'd been so many times before when I'd wanted to end it; end this sham of a marriage I was trapped in. But I never wanted Bella to have to deal with the pain and anger that I'd felt when my father had left. I knew what it felt like to have your family fall apart, and I wasn't about to put my child through that. But when I'd seen that baby boy in Nate's secretary's arms, staring back at me with his blue eyes, my Bella's eyes… something inside me snapped. Maybe it'd been the adrenaline coursing through my veins that had inspired me to finally demand the truth, to finally say what I'd been holding back for years. Whatever the reason, the truth was out now. Pandora's box had been opened, and there was no way I could just forgive him.

Nate had nearly allowed my precious little girl to lose her life. The man I had always imagined as my white knight had failed, just as he'd failed me so many times before… but Chuck had succeeded.

"Get back! Please get back!" I heard Arthur, Chuck's driver, demand as he struggled to get through the crowd of reporters. Chuck had called me at work to tell me he was sending a car so I could avoid the media frenzy that had formed in the front of my office building. Arthur had pulled into the alley behind my office and I was able to slip into the limo unseen. Unfortunately, I couldn't avoid the prying eyes anymore.

The door of the limo opened and Arthur extended his hand to me, "Take my hand, dear."

I grabbed onto him, holding his hand tightly as we struggled through the swarm of camera flashes.

"Mrs. Waldorf-Archibald! Mrs. Waldorf-Archibald!"

"Is this really the end of your marriage?"

"Mrs. Waldorf-Archibald! How long has Congressman Archibald been carrying on this affair?"

"Mrs. Waldorf-Archibald! How are you and your daughter coping?"

The faces of the reporters all blended together as they shouted out their questions. I could tell they were agitated by my silence. They wanted a reaction that would sell more papers and gain more viewers, but I wasn't giving it to them. They pushed and shoved more, breaking the hold I had on Arthur.

"Please, just leave me in peace!" I begged, willing the tears that were welling up in my eyes not to fall. My whole life I had loved attention, lived for the spotlight, but now all I wanted was to retreat to my best friend's penthouse and be with my daughter.

One of the photographers stumbled forward, crashing into me. His weight sent me falling to the ground, scraping my already bruised knees. I tried to get up, but the camera flashes blinded me.

"Get out of my way! Get away from her!" I heard Chuck's familiar voice snarl as he stormed through the crowd.

The next thing I knew, I was being pulled up off the icy ground and his warm arms surrounded me protectively.

Blair Waldorf-Archibald was a media darling. Nate's campaigns and her position as chairwoman for various charities had made her a prominent fixture on the society pages. I had still read the New York papers while living in London, and I'd seen her grace the pages many times, with her perfect ruby lips always curled into a smile. But she wasn't smiling now, as Arthur struggled to help her out of the car and through the swarm of nosy reporters that surrounded her.

I'd rushed to Serena's as soon as I saw the headlines in the papers this morning. Blair loved attention, enjoyed being envied and admired, the same way that I did, but she wasn't fond of having her private life out in the open. I knew she'd want to escape the media, so I'd sent Arthur to pick her up and bring her back to Serena's.

That was how I came to be restlessly waiting, a rather worried Dorota by my side, for a certain doe-eyed brunette to finally force her way inside the lobby. I felt my heart race when I saw the way the nosy bastards pushed and shoved their way closer to her, forcing her and Arthur to become separated. Then I felt fury erupt from within me when she was knocked to the ground. So I'd forced my way through the crowd, shouting angrily at the obnoxious reporters and pulled her to her feet, wrapping her safely in my arms.

"Mr. Bass! Mr. Bass!" The photographers went wild, but my only concern was getting Blair out of this mess.

When we were safe inside the lobby, she turned to me, quickly composing herself.

"You're making a habit of this, Bass," she commented.

"A habit of what?" I asked her.

"Coming to my rescue," she smiled lightly as Dorota rushed to her side, making a big fuss over her skinned knees.

As soon as the three of us made it in the doorway of the penthouse, Serena hurriedly waddled to Blair's side.

"Are you sure you're okay, B?" Serena asked.

"I'm fine," Blair told her as she took off her coat and handed it to Dorota.

"Ms. Blair, let me get first-aid kit to clean cuts with," Dorota insisted in her thick Polish accent after she'd hung up Blair's coat.

"Dorota, I'm fine, it didn't hurt that much," Blair assured her, but her maid was already off searching for the kit in one of Serena's bathrooms.

"Mommy! Come look at the pictures I drew!" Bella called. She was lying on her stomach under the Christmas tree, a massive spread of coloring books before her. Drew sat near her, crashing two toy fire trucks together. Blair seemed to brighten as she walked over to her daughter. She sat down on the ground, Indian-style, next to Bella, kissed her cheek quickly and ruffled Drew's hair.

"What'd you draw, baby?" Blair smiled as Bella shuffled her stack of drawings in her hands.

"I drew the Christmas tree! And me and you ice-skating!" Bella beamed as she showed off her work to her mother.

"These are so pretty, Bella! I'm going to hang them up in my office!" Blair smiled as her daughter climbed into her lap and began showing off her other pictures.

"And I drew this one for Mr. Chuck!" The little blonde Blair look-a-like smiled up in my direction.

"Here, Mr. Chuck! Come look!" She called.

I walked over to the two curly-haired girls, awkwardly sitting down beside them and my nephew. Bella grinned at me as she handed me the picture.

"See! That's me, Mommy, and you!" Bella pointed at the stick figures on the paper I held in my hands. Two of the stick figures had long, flowing hair, I assumed those were Blair and Bella. I supposed that the other figure, the one with the dark hair and pants was me, but I didn't know what the big yellow blob behind us was.

"That's a taxi!" Bella explained, pointing with her tiny fingers again.

I noticed Blair stiffen slightly at the mention of the taxi incident, but my attention shifted back to Bella, who'd asked me if I liked her drawing.

"I… I think it's beautiful," I told her and she giggled.

"Will you hang it in your office?" She asked, twisting one of her blonde curls with her finger. She'd picked that habit up from Blair; I was sure of it. Whenever Blair wanted something, she'd twist one of her dark curls around her finger that same way.

"Of course I will," I assured her.

Bella quickly turned her attention back to her mother. "Mommy! This is a picture of the kitty I want for Christmas!"

Blair's bow-lips formed a frown once again. "Baby, that's a very cute kitty, but I just don't know if I can get you that kitty for Christmas."

"Why?" Bella gazed up at her mother, bottom lip jutting out.

"Well sweetie, since we're staying with Aunt Serena right now, it's just not a good time to get a pet," Blair explained.

"But… but… you promised!" Bella huffed.

"I know, honey, I'm sorry. But after Christmas, when Mommy finds a new house for us to live in, we'll get you that kitty." Blair comforted her little girl by rubbing her back.

I glanced at the picture of the cat Bella had drawn, trying to make out the color of the kitten she wanted. It was orange; I should've known. Of course Blair's daughter would want the same kind of cat Audrey Hepburn had in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

"Serena, can I talk to you in private for a moment?" I asked my stepsister, who was relaxing on the couch near us, as I slipped the picture Bella had drawn me into my jacket pocket.

"Umm… sure," Serena replied, and I helped her up so we could talk in the other room. Blair watched us suspiciously as we walked away.

I would make sure Bella got everything she wanted for Christmas.

"And they all lived happily ever after." I finished reading the fairy tale only to find that Bella and Drew were already fast asleep.

I made my way down the hall to the guest room I was staying in, slipping on my satin nightgown quickly.

"And they all lived happily ever after, what a load of crap! I shouldn't be reading the kids such garbage! In real life, nothing ends happily ever after! Real life is hard! Real life has challenges! The handsome prince doesn't come through in the end!" I angrily declared as I laid down on the bed.

"What if you just chose the wrong prince, B?" I heard Serena say. I sat up to see her standing in the doorway, rubbing her big belly.

"I thought you went to bed?" I asked, completely embarrassed that she'd heard my little rant.

"I couldn't sleep," she explained as she climbed into bed beside me.

"So what do you think about that?" She asked, turning on her side to face me.

"Think about what?" I asked, laying back and staring at the ceiling.

"That maybe… you just chose the wrong prince the first time around." She eyed me closely, waiting to see my reaction.

I rolled on my side to face her. I knew exactly what she was implying, or rather who she was trying to bring up. "Don't go there," I told her.

"Why? You and I both know there are still feelings there! You've told me! He's told me! Hell, Dan even asked me the other night if there was something going on with you two," she huffed.

"What? Serena, did you tell Dan about Chuck and me back in high school?" I asked, completely terrified. The last thing I needed was for Dan to write about Charlie Trout and Brynn Maxwell getting it on in the back of a limo in his next book.

"No! Of course not, B! I've never told anyone that!" Serena insisted.

"Wait… he told you he still has feelings for me?" I asked, trying to hide the excitement in my voice. I could definitely feel those old butterflies fluttering expectantly in my stomach.

"Well… not in so many words. But you know that Chuck's not one to come out and talk about his feelings. He's more of an actions-speak-louder-than-words kind of guy." Serena yawned lazily.

"Oh, is that what you two were meeting about in the hallway earlier today? Chuck's plan of action?" I asked, dying to know what he had up his sleeve.

"That's between me and my stepbrother." She smiled lightly.

"Come on! Give me some details!" I begged.

"No! B, be patient!" Serena giggled sleepily.

"S!" I pouted. I wasn't crazy about surprises. I loved control far too much to truly enjoy surprises.

"Let's just say… he knows the way to your heart," Serena explained as she rubbed her eyes.

We lay silent for a few minutes, and Serena slowly drifted off to sleep. But I couldn't. I was too hyped up, wondering what that Bass was up to.

"I hope he knows the way to my heart. I don't think I could handle it if he broke it again," I said softly, visions of the past taking over every time I tried to shut my eyes.

I sat at my vanity, making sure every one of my curls formed the perfect loose spiral. I glanced over at the custom-made, silver gown Dorota had hung neatly in my closet. That perfect dress had nearly been ruined because of Chuck and his devious plotting. How dare he try to ruin my night? How dare he try to interfere? He'd caused the fistfight on the dance floor that threatened to ruin my cotillion. Well, I was done with Chuck Bass! This little fling we'd been carrying on was over! I'd told Chuck that before stomping off to find Nate. But those butterflies in my stomach obviously hadn't received the memo yet. They flapped their wings angrily as I remembered the look on Chuck's face when I'd told him we were over. He'd actually looked… hurt.

But that didn't matter! I was back with Nate… everything would be perfect now. Nate Archibald was prince charming and Chuck Bass was the devil himself. Queen B simply didn't belong with the devil.

But those damn butterflies continued to taunt me with their rapid flapping. Nate and I were finally able to be together! I should be deliriously happy! My birthday wish had come true; everything was the way it should be. But every time Nate had touched me, it felt so… wrong. He didn't know every one of my curves. He didn't know just where to touch me to drive me wild. His touch was rough, inexperienced. When I'd looked into his eyes I saw baby blues, not the dark chocolate I craved.

Oh my God… I wanted Chuck Bass. I got up and started pacing anxiously. I felt something for Chuck Bass! I nearly started hyperventilating at my flabbergasting revelation. How the hell did this happen?

I needed to talk to him and figure this out, right away! I quickly put together an outfit and applied my make-up. I tiptoed down the hallway as best as I could in my sling-back Jimmy Choos. The last thing I needed was to explain to Dorota, or even worse, my mother, where I was going at such a late hour. I quickly hopped in a cab and told the driver to hurry to the Palace. He got me there in record time, earning a generous tip for his speed.

I ran right through the lobby, my heels clicking obnoxiously, and breathlessly rushed in the elevator. That elevator ride seemed to last an eternity, but it finally stopped on the eighteenth floor. I hurried out and began banging loudly on the door to room 1812, Chuck's suite.

"Bass! Open the door!" I called after a few minutes; frustrated he was keeping me waiting. Patience was not a virtue that I possessed, and he knew that.

"He left," I heard a woman say.

"What?" I asked turning around to see one of the girls from housekeeping in the hallway.

"He left about an hour ago. He was all angry about something, threw his stuff in his suitcases and left," she explained.

"Well, when is he coming back?" I questioned her. I really had hurt him… and that realization scorched me.

"That, I couldn't tell you," she replied before making her way down the hallway.

I continued to stand in front of his door, calling and texting him a dozen times.

"Bass! Pick up the phone!" I cursed. I needed to talk to him, needed to figure out what exactly there was between the two of us. And it needed to be soon, before I lost my nerve. But he wasn't answering. My mind began to race, trying to think of all of the places he could've gone. If he'd taken a suitcase that meant he was headed out of town, and there was one person he'd have to tell if he was leaving New York. The one and only Bart Bass would know where Chuck had jetted off to.

I found myself running back to the elevator and pressing the button for the top floor, where his father's suite was. I stood in front of Mr. Bass's door for a few minutes, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for why I was showing up at his suite at such a late hour. Finally, I knocked lightly on the door. There was no response, so I started to walk away.

"Miss Waldorf?" I heard the door creak open.

"Mr. Bass, I'm so sorry to bother you so late, but it's very important that I speak with Chuck. I heard he left with a bunch of suitcases and he's not answering any phone calls," I explained, turning around to face him.

"It's quite alright. I just arrived home from Hong Kong. Please, come in," Bart insisted, motioning for me to step inside.

"Thank you, sir," I replied, sitting down on one of the sofas in the living room.

"I just don't know what's come over Chuck. He just took off and left me this note." Bart frowned, picking up a piece of paper off the coffee table as he sat down in one of the armchairs.

"I was hoping you or Nate would be able to tell me what's sent him fleeing to Monaco. What kind of trouble has he gotten himself into now?" He shook his head.

"Do you mind if I read it?" I asked, referring to the note.

"No, not at all," he replied, handing me the paper.

It read –

Father,

I don't have time to explain, but I can't stay in New York anymore. I'm headed for the resort in Monaco. I'll call you when I arrive.

Chuck

A lonely tear rolled down my cheek, leaving a tiny wet stain on Chuck's cursive. He was gone, and it was my fault.

"Blair, is there someone I could call for you? Or perhaps I could have Arthur drive you home in the limo?" Bart asked, his forehead creased, the same way that Chuck's did when he was thinking deeply or scheming.

His words only caused me to go back to that fateful night in the back of that very limo… that very night that those butterflies had awoken in both Chuck and me.

"No thank you Mr. Bass, but when Chuck calls you please tell him I need to speak with him," I managed to squeak out before thanking him again and heading back in to the hallway. Running away was nothing new for Chuck; he'd been gallivanting off to a number of his favorite destinations for years. He would be back… it was only a matter of time.

But he didn't come back. Days turned to weeks, and the rest of the world kept moving on. The holidays and winter break passed and it was time to return to school. But there was one student whose presence was noticeably absent in the courtyard between Constance and St. Jude's. A certain scarf-wearing billionaire heir hadn't returned with the rest of the student body from their winter getaways, and neither had I. In fact, I had missed the first week of second semester. I sat on my knees on the floor of my bathroom gagging horribly into the porcelain toilet bowl.

"Blair! Open the door!" Serena demanded.

"S, I'm fine! It's just a stomach bug!" I told her between gags.

"Let me in right now!" Serena yelled from the other side of the door.

When it seemed that there was nothing left in my stomach, I opened the door to come face to face with a very upset Serena.

"You and I both know that this isn't a stomach bug… I brought this for you." She pulled a white and pink box out of her brown Kooba tote.

"S, put that thing away! I'm not pregnant!" I ordered. I would will myself to not be pregnant.

I walked over and laid down on my bed. My phone rang on the bedside table. It was Nate's ringtone; he was calling again. It was easy to ignore him after cotillion because he'd been away in Connecticut visiting family during the holidays. But now he was back, always calling me and sending me flowers. He'd come by every day after school, but I'd made Dorota send him away telling him I was too ill for visitors.

"You know, I risked my relationship with Dan and social suicide buying this test for you! Someone snapped a photo of me buying it and sent it to Gossip Girl," Serena explained, as she took a seat beside me on the bed.

"Well, it was all for nothing because there's no way I'm pregnant!" I snapped at her.

"Blair… you've been sick every morning, you're tired all the time, and you're late. You need to take this test… you need to find out what you're dealing with here. That way you and Nate can figure out what you're going to do," Serena explained, rubbing my arm gently.

I sat up and pulled my knees close to my chest. I rocked back and forth slowly and tears welled up in my eyes.

"It's not Nate that I need to talk to…" I confessed quietly.

I felt the bed shift as Serena moved closer to me.

"Chuck?" Serena asked.

I turned to her, completely stunned.

"How do… how do you know that?" I asked, totally taken aback.

"After you told me you wanted to be alone at your birthday party, I went back to check on you. I thought you might need me… but Chuck and you were… well… you know," Serena told me.

Then I finally let my tears fall. Serena wrapped an arm around me as I told her everything about the secret affair Chuck and I had been carrying on. She was the only one I would ever allow to see me like this. She was the only person I would allow myself to be weak like this in front of.

"B, it's going to be okay. No matter what happens, I'll be right here beside you," Serena promised.

5 minutes later the tiny white stick lay in my hand with the two little pink lines glaring back at me. This baby would ruin my life. I sank down on the floor and gasped between loud sobs.

"Blair… I'll have my mom talk to Bart and get Chuck to come home," Serena tried to console me.

"No! No, I don't want you to do that!" I shouted.

"But… you need him. You said yourself you needed to talk to him," Serena said, shocked at my outburst.

"No S, I need to figure out what I'm going to do. I need to figure out what's best for me… and this baby," I stated firmly.

"B, this is his child too… he needs to know what's going on. I know you're upset that he left, but he needs to know about this," Serena told me as she tried to wipe away my tears.

"Chuck doesn't care about me… and I don't think he'd give a damn what I do," I snapped harshly, as I stared down a photograph of Chuck on my bulletin board. It was a picture Nate took of Chuck sandwiched between Serena and I at the Hamptons last summer. Of course Chuck had that signature smirk plastered on his face. I placed a hand of my flat stomach, trying to imagine what a little Bass girl or boy would look like. Maybe… she or he would have that same grin.

"You know that's not true! He cares about you and he'd care about this baby!" Serena protested.

"No S! Chuck Bass fights for what he wants! Chuck Bass never takes no for an answer! I told him we were done and he just… left. He just ran away! He didn't even try to fight for me," I cried. "And you know… the worst part is… I think I really do love him," I admitted for the first time.

Serena stopped trying to press the Chuck issue, saying she'd give me a few days to figure things out before she'd get Chuck involved.

But I didn't have to figure things out… three days later I woke in the middle of the night with horrible cramps. I quickly went to the bathroom and found my thighs sticky with crimson blood.

The doctor I saw in the ER that night, with Serena by my side, explained it was an early term miscarriage. He explained that sometimes those things just happen, that it was a fairly common occurrence. I thought it was such an insensitive thing to say.

The next night I tossed and turned in my sleep. Dreams of a little boy with Chuck's dark eyes and grin haunted me.

Serena, who'd slept over, turned on her side to face me.

"I know you don't want to talk about it… but maybe if I got in touch with Chuck…" She started.

"No… you have to promise me that we're never going to talk about this again. We're never going to talk about Chuck… or the baby ever again," I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat at the mention of the baby.

"B…" Serena faltered.

"I mean it, S," I ordered, turning to look her directly in the eye.

"Okay," She reluctantly agreed, with worry obvious in her blue eyes.

After that night I went back to my life. I went back to Nate, to school, and my position as Queen B. Serena had kept her promise, we never spoke about the baby and until recently we rarely ever spoke about Chuck. But sometimes I would see her watch me closely out of the corner of her eye. Sometimes I would see her look at me with that same worried expression. Sometimes we would be out shopping and I'd see a little dark-haired boy in a crowd that caused the breath to catch in my throat. And in those moments I would remember… in those moments the pain I felt when Chuck left… and when I lost our child… all came back. And during those times, feelings that I'd been hiding away all these years resurfaced and nagged at me terribly.

A lonely tear rolled down my cheek.

No… I couldn't bear to lose him again.

* Note : In my story Serena never tells anyone about Blair's pregnancy. She never discusses the issue with Dan, so Jenny never over-hears about Chuck and Blair like she did on the show. There is a post on Gossip Girl about Serena buying a pregnancy test, but Serena covers for Blair and tells Dan it was her test. Serena lies to Dan and tells him it was a false alarm.