I've had this typed up for almost a week now and I just kept going back and forth on whether or not I should post it. Everytime I do funny stuff I feel like a douche. Disturbing and scary is waaaay easier. So if this is not at all humorous and just plain dumb, I'm sorry.
Joker rolled over in bed, smearing significant amounts of make up off of his face and onto his pillow. He tried to find a comfortable spot to go back to sleep but it was to late, he was already awake.
"Shit," he swore.
The problem with staying up for days at a time was that it did eventually catch up to him. And when it did it was not fun. Exhaustion pain didn't even begin to cover it. He hadn't, managed to sleep much last night, even though he wanted to. The Joker had to much to think about, which was not at all uncommon for him, but this time was different. He was confused.
It was Harley's fault. He completely blamed her. No one had ever made him feel so many different emotions at once, at least not anyone he could remember. She could make him angry enough to wring her little neck and then all the sudden unable to because of uncontrollable lust. The more time he spent with Harley the less he was in control of things in his black and white world. She blurred everything into confused colors. He hated her for it and at the same time wanted her more than ever. It didn't make any sense, even to the Joker.
"Harley," he moaned.
He opened his eyes to look at her side of the bed when she didn't respond. Of course she was not there.
"Hey Harley," he yelled expecting her to come rushing into the room, she didn't.
He remembered Harley and some other girl coming into his room earlier and saying something about grocery shopping. He was half asleep and hadn't really paid attention. That's where she probably was, at the grocery store or with Jonny.
Joker didn't know why Harley spent so much time with Jonathan. He seemed kind of boring to the clown and why would Harley hang out with a former shrink turned nut job when she could hang out with Joker? It made him a little bit jealous. Of course he knew Harley wasn't fooling around with Jonathan, no way, she was far to loyal. And besides the Joker would never feel sexually threatened by Jonathan Crane. It just occurred to him that he was slowly losing Harley Quinn's undivided attention, he didn't like that. At that moment Harley should have been in bed beside him, all excited that he woke up and asking him stupid questions. She wasn't.
He got out of bed and sleepily made his way to the living room to see if Harley was there and just hadn't heard him. After confirming she was not around he went back to the bedroom and turned on the television. It immediately came on to the Gotham City news. Joker hoped to see a report on the police officer he had murdered. He sat on the edge of the bed cross-legged, eager to see what they said about him.
He loved to watch himself on the news. The doctors at Arkham said it was because he was constantly in need of attention. They were probably right, but he saw the news stories featuring The Joker as accomplishments. And thinking of all the citizens across Gotham, scared shitless, watching the same report was even better.
But so far the news station had only reported on non-interesting stories that had nothing to do with dead cops. And Joker was quickly becoming frustrated. A butchered police officer laying on the stairs of the Gotham Police Department had certainly seemed news worthy to him. Probably big enough to get Batman's attention. Why wasn't anyone reporting on it? Did they think if no one paid attention to his "pranks" that he would simply stop? Like he was a five year old boy? He could see Commissioner Gordon coming to that conclusion or maybe that idiot mayor. Joker began stabbing a pocket knife in and out of the mattress as he watched the news, thinking about why they weren't reporting on him.
With a growl he tossed the small knife across the room. He had to find someway to express his pent up anger.
He stormed out the door then stopped, "Damn it," he said exasperated, "Harley isn't here,"
Harley laughed when she glanced towards Jonathan, "You okay Jonny,"
"Yes, I'm fine," he stared straight ahead.
Harley could not decide which grocery store to go into. As if it was an important decision and besides if she was good at making choices neither one of them would be in this van, going shopping, in drag. Or at least he was in drag. Harley had insisted that he looked adorable in his clingy turquoise dress with matching heels, silver metallic leggings and to complete the look; a long fur coat to cover the fact that he was not a women. It was the most humiliation he had ever experienced, and that was saying a lot for a scarecrow themed criminal, who was tasered in the face by a girl during his villainous speech.
He sighed at how pathetic his life had become.
"This'll be fun. I promise you'll have a good time with me," she patted his shoulder, "Ooh what kinda fur is this," she petted it some more.
"Feels like teddy bear. Can you please concentrate on the road Harley, I really don't wanna die dressed like this," Jonathan said.
Harley was not the best driver to begin with. He wondered if she had always drove like a maniac or if that came with losing her sanity. It didn't help that Jonny's lack of medication was continuing to give him hell. The only thing worse than being in a car with a reckless driver was watching the world outside morph into disturbing images as they sped by.
"Well I think ya look great. You can totally pull of the platinum blonde look," she said refering to his Marilyn Monroe like wig.
She glanced at him when he didn't respond, "Are ya sure you're okay? I mean, I know you're nervous but ya white as a sheet Jonny,"
He nodded gripping the armrests on his seats with sweaty palms.
"Ah here we go," Harley finally said pulling into a parking lot, "We'll go here,"
Jonathan looked at the grocery store at the end of the parking lot. It was huge. Harley was probably trying to find the biggest one in Gotham to show him off in. And if not him, herself for sure. She wore a tight leopard print skirt with a hot pink top. Harley's black and red hair was contained in a long blond wig and her usually clown make up was replaced with brightly colored eye shadows and lipstick. She was definitely disguised well, she did not look like Harley Quinn at all. Neither did she look like Harleen Quinzel.
She applied another coat of bright pink lipstick while she parked, "Ready ta go," she smiled at Jonathan stuffing the keys into a sequin covered purse.
"As I'll ever be," he sighed getting out of the car.
He immediately realized how much he hated heels, especially on the black topped parking lot. Harley linked her arm in his and headed inside.
She began to march past the carts and into the automatic doors, "Harley," Jonathan called.
"Yeah," she spun around dramatically.
"Don't we need a cart?"
"Hmmm. I don't think so," she replied.
Jonathan was confused, "You are planning on buying things aren't you. I mean, this whole trip wasn't to torture me was it. Or some sick mind game the Joker is playing... is it?" he asked.
An old lady stared at him as she walked out of the store.
"Why would I wanna torture you Jonny?" Harley asked looking genuinely hurt that he would suggest something like that.
"I guess you wouldn't. Um sorry. I'll get a cart just in case. Okay,"
"Okay," she said back to her bubbly, happy self shortly after Jonathan's apology.
She tossed her purse into the shopping cart and headed for the produce section.
"So what are we getting?" Jonathan asked.
"I dunno. I've just been noticin' how our Mistah J and I's apartment has like nothin' in it. And I'm gettin' kinda sick of P, B and J," she turned around and began to walk backwards, "How about you?"
He nodded a response and began looking around the store. He wondered when the next hallucination would start, he hoped if he kept his mind off it he could avoid them. At least for the time being, if he freaked out in public he would be hauled off to Arkham before he knew what was going on. That wouldn't be so bad if Harley wasn't with him. She would be Arkham bound as well.
Just then she startled Jonathan out of his thoughts by jumping onto the front end of the cart.
"You aren't allowed to do that you know," he said to the woman riding on the cart, not even thinking about the fact that they were both wanted criminals.
"I know," she shrugged.
Harley Quinn jumped off to grab a bag of apples before climbing back on to the cart. She faced Jonathan this time.
"Let's go to the next isle Jonny," she suggested.
"If you keep calling me Jonny someone is going to wonder why you're calling a "girl" that,"
"You're very negative aren't chya. And I'll say Jonny as much as I want because it's no one else's business," she retorted.
Maybe he was being a little negative, but with good reason. He was surprised when the two made it nearly the entire way through the store unnoticed. Well, not quite, people did do a lot of staring but it wasn't because of the criminally insane grocery shopping. He could not determine if the attention was on his cross-dressing or Harley's lack of clothing. Which he had just realized while she was bending over the cart rearranging a few items. And as much as he didn't want to, he could not help but stare. Great, as if he didn't feel awkward enough.
Harley positioned herself back on the edge of the cart and looked at Jonathan, "Are you staring at me?"
"No," he lied shaking his head.
Harley laughed, "Yeah ya were don't lie ta me. I saw ya lookin' at the girls,"
Jonathan felt his face grow hot, "I was not,"
A little boy standing in the frozen food isle near them became very confused as he watched the two.
"I could see where ya were lookin' Jonny. Oh but don't be embarrassed. It just means my disguise is working since guy's obviously ain't lookin' at my face," she burst into a fit of giggles, "Ya know it's kinda cute, you look all nervous and sweaty,"
He sighed, "Are we almost done here?"
"Yeah, we can go check out," she hopped off the cart and walked beside Jonathan, "Am I really makin' ya that nervous. Wow, I didn't know I could do that... unless all girls make ya nervous. Do they? Have you ever been out with a girl Jonny?" she rambled.
"Of course," he replied staring straight ahead now.
"Really. Well judgin' by your reaction ya ta me ya didn't get to far with anyone. Am I right?" she questioned.
"We shouldn't talk about this here,"
Harley gasped, "Jonathan Crane no way!"
"Okay people are seriously going to here you," he was getting frustrated now, but at least the horrible embarrassment was keeping his nightmarish hallucinations at bay.
"Sorry," she whispered, "You're kind of adorable, being all unexperienced," she playfully shoved him, as if he did not have enough difficultly walking correctly in heels.
"I never said that. Just stop talking," Jonathan didn't like how anxious Harley was making him, he couldn't discern where these feelings where coming from. He really was losing it.
"Don't be embarrassed. I know how it feels, well until I met Mistah J," she giggled, they walked up to the check out lane, "Do ya wanna touch em?"
After the intial shock of that statment Jonathan managed a startled and confused, "What the hell?"
He glanced nervously at the cashier, a young, bored-looking woman. Thankfully she seemed unmoved by Harley's "gracious" offer. For now at least, she noticed right away when Harley stuck out her chest and said, "It's okay, Mistah J ain't gonna mind, if that's what you're worried about. You, me and Mistah J are friends and friends do things for each other,"
Jonathan started handing groceries toward the cashier, "No Harley. We're in public what don't you understand," he whispered loudly to her.
"Kay so when we get home?" she offered.
"No, no, no. You are very attractive Harley but I do not want to touch your breasts," he said practically yelling.
Ha, nice going dumbass you just attracted all the attention in the store,Scarecrow added. As if the situation wasn't bad enough the Scarecrow had to give his input. But it was true, every one around them was staring.
Jonathan sighed, "I'll go wait in the car," he mumbled.
Well there ya go. Kinda made it up as I went along. I really wanted to do some light Harley/Jonathan since people rarely do anything with that pairing. But I saw it as being very awkward and Jonathan being kinda shy even though he's usually pretentious. And as for Harley... yeah, she's pretty comfortable with herself.
Joker was so much easier. I know I've probably said this before but it's kind of a pet peeve of mine and I want everyone to know that my fic isn't going this way; the Joker is not in love. However he's close to it. I think Harley is bringing out a little humanity in him, just a little. Enough to make him really confused and pissed with himself. Obviously Harley see things in him that no one else dose and I think that would have some effect on him no matter how homicidal and cold he can be.
I hope everyone liked it despite the lateness and the randomness of this chapter and of the previous chapter. Thanks to everyone who has faithfully reviewed so far, some of these chapters I write and think damn this sucks and then you guys make me feel better about it. Thank you so much. I'll try to get chapter 23 out soon since I actually know what I'm gonna do in it. :D Happy late St. Patrick's day... I think it was yesterday.