Later the next day, Susan pulled the vanity from the door and ventured out into the quiet apartment. There was a note on the formica table from Winnie, who had gone to work for the evening. Her shift ended at eight, when the cafe closed, and she imagined she would be home shortly thereafter. In the back of her mind Susan felt oddly guilty. She made some coffee but it didn't taste right in her mouth. She tried a bit of toast but it was bland and made her stomach churn. Then, since she vaguely understood she had to eat or drink something, she filled a large glass with water and waded back into her room, stacked to the brim with Pevensie treasures.

After her unsettling dream (or rather nightmare, though the events still eluded her), she had emptied the boxes one by one and categorized the items. Books were stacked neatly in the corner next to her nightstand. Eventually they would need a bookshelf, but she couldn't imagine trying to find one at the moment. All articles of clothing were hung in her closet or draped over the edge of her headboard. Edmund's scarf and Peter's blazer were given a prominent place right beside her pillow. Jewelry went into the drawers of her vanity. Hats were put into an empty box until she could find a hatrack. Shoes and slippers were thrown into another corner of her room, along with a few stray socks she assumed had come from Edmund's room.

She sat lightly on her bed and looked around at all the clutter. Her room had always been slightly messy, unless her mother was coming over, but now the green carpet was barely visible through the myriad of trinkets and items, the boxes stacked like towers in the midst of it all. Susan decided they were completely out of place and she threw them unceremoniously out into the hallway. Winnie would take care of it later and that is how she sated herself to finally take a sip from her water.

Her eyes drooped lazily as she leaned back into her pillows but she knew she wouldn't let herself sleep. There was a warm ray of sunshine coming through her window and she rolled her bare leg into its path. It must be a beautiful day outside. Her eyes closed. It was a few minutes before she opened them again. She wouldn't sleep. The ray of sun became too hot and she retreated. She needed a bookshelf and a hatrack. How long had it been since she had left the apartment? Susan frowned when she couldn't remember. It was the funeral. That was it. But that was...How long ago?

She sat there as the room became dark utterly confused. What day was it? What month? What year? Her eyes narrowed but nothing came to her. Suddenly, the door opened. She jumped as she recognized the figure, silhouetted by the hallway light.

"Are you going to help me with these boxes?" Winnie quietly asked, still in her uniform. The skirt was shorter than usually, showing her knees, and the tiny little white apron barely fit her notepad and pen. Her hair was pinned back into a fashionable hairnet. She looked different and Susan couldn't pinpoint why.

"Where am I?" She asked, knowing that it wasn't the question she was supposed to ask, but not bothering to stop herself. Winnie frowned and came into the dark room. She sat motherly at the foot of the bed and touched Susan's bare foot. Susan didn't flinch from her hot hands though she was surprised that she had wanted to.

"You're in your apartment. It's Thursday." Susan nodded as if she knew what that meant. "Did you eat?" She had probably seen the half eaten toast on the table.

"I tried. I had water instead. I need a bookshelf and a hatrack." Susan said blearily. Winnie nodded compassionately.

"We can go to the second-hand shop four blocks over tomorrow if you'd like. I think they're having a sale this weekend." She suggested warmly. She stood and stretched a bit before tugging at Susan's leg. "How about those boxes, love?"

"Sure." Susan answered. She didn't feel like it but something about the way Winnie stood waiting for her made her think she didn't have much of a choice. It reminded her of her mother.

It was a rare vacation to come back to Finchley for the weekend and Susan was ready to enjoy being away from the dormitories and the unending sea of girls. Her old room still smelled the same and she breathed in deep as she set down her small suitcase. Her bed, small and modest, covered in a red and yellow handmade quilt, sat just next to the small window seat on the opposite side of the room, while Lucy's stood just to her left. She didn't mind having to share but Lucy couldn't make it back with her due to a field trip her class was taking and she smiled at the thought of finally having a space to call her own, even if only for a few days.

Peter was busily arranging his own things in his and Edmund's room. She could easily hear him through the partially closed door of her bedroom. She too began to settle herself in. The homework she had been given for Monday went directly to the small desk they had moved into the room for just such an occasion. Her clothes remained in her suitcase which found a home at the foot of her bed. After fluffing the pillows, she flopped down on the quilt and snuggled, smiling at the feeling of being here again. She missed it terribly.

After dinner she came straight back to her room and sat down with her homework. Peter had teased her with the idea of a walk down to the park the next day, but only if they could get their academic obligations out of the way beforehand. Mother and Father looked at each other and agreed. It was supposed to be a fine day, they could all go. Perhaps have a picnic. There was a familiar twinkle in Father's eye that she noticed. He'd caught her looking at him and for a moment, across the dinner table, they simply stared at each other. She smiled and he returned the gesture, except it wasn't his normal wide grin. Hers had faded at the distance he held in his mouth, as if she was the one who had changed and not he. She offered to help her mother with the dishes. Mother refused, saying she would rather have her finish her homework, but Father set his napkin down firmly and said it was still plenty early in the evening.

"Susan should help with dishes." He said like it had always been that way. Mother frowned but agreed then and Susan helped clean the table and do the dishes. She then retreated to her room, almost thankfully, to avoid the piercing gaze of Father as he pulled Mother aside as she ascended the stairs.

The algebra book was sitting prominently on the corner of her desk and she sneered at it, but cracked it open and began her equations. After a couple of minutes, she had completely the first one, with only twenty-three more to go. That was just the first chapter. Susan sighed. Absentmindedly chewing on her pencil, she looked longingly out the window at their back yard. It was unbelievably green and lush. She wanted to go outside and play, but she didn't know what. Just then, her door creaked. Susan jumped in her seat.

"I'm sorry, I didn't disturb you did I?" It was Mother. She had put on her evening cardigan, a long woolen thing that battled the chill she often felt in evenings. Susan nodded her head quickly.

"No, I'm just doing Algebra. It's a bore really." Mother nodded distractedly. She sat down on Lucy's bed as if it were not her own. Susan frowned. "Is everything alright?"

"Oh. Yes, everything is quite all right dear."

"Did you...want to talk to me about something?" Susan asked warily. Mother looked up. Her face was tight but she smiled, a pained thing that Susan had seen before, when she had put on a brave face at the train station for them.

"You'll be eighteen soon." Mother stated baldly. Susan nodded. "Graduating in the spring." Mother continued. She looked out the window as Susan had been doing. Her eyes narrowed, the same calculating brown eyes as Edmund. She looked as if she was looking for something. Susan remained silent. "Your father and I have been thinking. The war...The war has ruined things terribly for us. I'm afraid you didn't quite get the normal girlhood I thought you might."

"I don't understand." Susan finally said. Mother looked somewhat surprised to hear her voice.

"Well, it's just that, you're so quiet really. And you'll be eighteen soon."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Susan asked blankly.

"Your father and I were married by the time we were eighteen." Mother said wistfully. She did not look at Susan. Then, suddenly, she jumped to her feet and paced, ending by standing with her hands on her hips. "We think its time you begin to focus on what you'll be doing after graduation." She fidgeted with her pocket for a minute before pulling out two crisp white envelopes.

"What are those?" Susan asked, taking them when proffered to her. Mother's demeanor changed from nervous to stern.

"We've been receiving these in the mail for awhile. Apparently you put them back in the mailbox at school." They were beautifully addressed to Susan Pevensie and she recognized them quickly. They were invitations to parties the more well-to-do girls at school held. Some were for birthdays, some were for holidays, most were just an excuse to socialize with the boys next door. Susan looked up confused.

"What do these have to do with anything?"

"Why don't you go?"

"I don't know anyone. I...I don't want to go." Susan replied. She looked at them again in mild disbelief.

"You should. It's a great way to meet people, to meet...fine young men." Mother bit her lip for a minute. "I already sent replies to these."

"You what?" Susan practically yelled.

"It's why you came back for the weekend. We're going dress shopping."

"But-"

"No buts. It's time to grow up Susan." Mother left, leaving the door hanging open, and Susan looked up helplessly across the hall at Peter, who was watching soundlessly from his room.


They flattened the boxes and piled them near the front door. It was a bothersome pile.

"We'll take them out tomorrow when we go shopping, mm?" Winnie said with a half-smile. Susan nodded, picking at the hem of her dressing gown. "If you still want to go that is. I don't want to rush you." She added quickly.

"No, I need what I need. My room...My room is a mess." She laughed slightly even if it wasn't funny. Winnie did too. The sounds were empty.

"I can help you organize if you want." She offered but Susan shook her head.

"Going shopping will be enough." Winnie nodded distractedly. Susan frowned deeper. There was something she wasn't saying but would say soon enough.

"Do you want a drink?" She suddenly asked. Susan shrugged.

"Sure." Winnie took two crystal glasses from the cupboards and then reached beneath the sink where they kept their liquor. She pulled the dark bottle of cheap rum from the far corner. "Highballs are alright, right?"

"Whatever. As long as it makes me numb." At this comment, Winnie froze. Susan watched as she stood still at the countertop and then she shook her head and threw the rum under the sink. "What are you doing?"

"That wasn't the right thing to ask you. A drink is the last thing you need right now." She murmured softly. When she turned to Susan, her big round blue eyes were glistening She swallowed thickly and motioned towards the hall leading to their rooms. "You've been sitting in that room for days. I was afraid I'd never get you to come out. They've been asking about you down at the cafe. Jonathan said to take as long as you need, but I'm not sure how long that's going to be, Susan."

Susan remained silent. She stared into the nothingness above the tabletop.

"It's not healthy."

"What's not?" Susan asked. Winnie rolled her eyes gently. She grasped Susan by her shoulders. Susan found herself again wanting to reel from the contact.

"You can't bury yourself with them." She stated boldly. Susan blinked and shrugged off her hands.

"That's not what I'm doing." She replied stupidly. Suddenly the urge to run back to her room filled her. Back to what remained of her life. Bury herself? Couldn't Winnie see that she was struggling to survive? She found a surging of angry feelings well up in the pit of her stomach until she thought for sure it was boiling. "You don't understand at all!"

"You're wasting away!" Winnie followed hot on her heels as she made for her room.

"It's all I have left!" She shrieked, turning around and pushing Winnie roughly against the wall. The blonde looked at her, terrified for an instant, and then painfully. Susan squeezed her eyes shut against it. This is what happens, she thought blindly, this is what happens when I leave. This is what I have to look forward to without them.

"Leave me alone." She whispered. And then she was gone.