Chapter Eleven: Pain

A/N: Edward's POV. Mentions "he" a lot. You really have to read for context because he switches between who "he" is. Sometimes it's Al, but most of the time it's Roy. But he also uses "he" to say Edo, and other times it's Erik-although I try to use Erik's name. Just read for context, 'kay? I don't want reviews saying "Who was he talkin' about?!" Although I guess I should welcome any review I get...|o| Title: "Pain" by Three Days Grace. Listening to the chorus...

She was the only one I cared about. I would have given my life if only to protect her. When she died, I think that part of me died with her seeing as how I was never the same. Even innocent little Alphonse could see that. But I had to live. For him. I couldn't die so selfishly to join her like I wanted. I clung to life for him with the belief that after it was all said and done he wouldn't mind if I went to her. In fact, when I decided to trade my life with his, I almost longed for death. I would have saved my brother, and been reunited with her. But I was foolish to think it would be so easy. Instead of getting to see her again, I was forced to live in a look alike world with look alike places and faces. It was worst than hell. I couldn't help but to walk around like a half-dead corpse. But as I was dying, he was thriving.

Even when I was reunited with Al and later Roy, they only talked with part of me. I was broken beyond repair. I had always despised guns, but when I went to Germany and was stripped of my alchemic abilities, I found myself messing with them more and more. But I was always a coward and hid them away before I could do anything with them that couldn't be reversed.

When I returned home, I thought that maybe things would get better. I might have to fake a smile at first, but I believed-begged- that after a short period of time, the smiles would become genuine and I could put the past behind me.

But nothing I ever begged for ever came true.

Never.

"I rather like him here. Until I get what I want from you, Ed will be at the other end of Karik and Marik's EVR. But go ahead, deny our demands. By the looks of things, Fullmetal seems to be quite the masochist. He takes pain like it was a stroll through Central. Strange little fellow, isn't he?"

That's right. I am a masochist. The feeling of pain makes me feel alive. When I feel pain, it makes me feel. Otherwise, I try to be as detached as I can. That's why...Erik...he could never get a decent rise out of me. Because whatever he did just...made me feel alive.

Finally. Now you're seein' the light little Edward. We don't need Roy. Now let me take over...

Maybe I had already given up when Edo said that. After all, I had been wanting death to claim me. Wouldn't I be "dead" if it wasn't me controlling my body? Is that why I didn't fight harder? Is that why I fought half-heartedly? I gave in. I ran like a coward. But I didn't die. I was kept alive in the back of my own mind, having to bear witness to everything Edo did as me. Including nearly killing Roy.

"Roxas and Roxanne have missed you."

"What about you? Have you missed me?"

Was it all a lie? Did he really miss me? Why didn't I feel anything when he said that? Was it because Edo didn't feel anything?

"Close your eyes. I've got something to show you."

I didn't even cringe when I knew Edo was going to kill him. Maybe a part of me was hoping to end his suffering. I was never coming back. I resigned myself to this. I didn't need him to suffer too.

"I don't mean that you can't kill him. I mean, what about Edward? Don't you think he'll try to stop you?"

"I don't think he'll be a problem."

That's right. I'll go along with it all. I'll let you abuse me and my body until there is nothing left.

"That's all I ever really wanted, Roy."

I lied. I really just thought that perhaps he could take away my loneliness. But I was wrong. But where did it go wrong? Was it the fact that he was either always at work or always out on business? Or was it that I felt he really wasn't seeing me? If he did see me, why didn't he question why I had a new scar or two every week? Was he truly that blind? Or was he pretending not to see? Or maybe I was frightened by the fact that maybe, he loved me too?

"Do I get to kill Mustang?"

Would I really allow Edo to kill Roy? I...

All I seem to do is lie.

"R-Really? Roy, I want you to kick their asses!"

No. Forget about this. Forget about me. Go back to Central. Find yourself a nice wife who won't cause you any trouble or anxiety.

"I didn't want to make you sad..."

No. I was being selfish. I wanted to leave no trace that I ever existed in your world.

"But I have to."

No. I could have backed out. I could have hid myself away. I didn't have to leave. But...I wanted to. For you?

"I'm sorry Roy, but this is for the best."

The best...But for who? I was aiming for you.

"Now do you have everything you've ever wanted?"

No...

She's still...

Gone.

"I took off of work so I could be with you..."

You're a fool. You always have been. Why? Why couldn't you see that I was falling apart at the seams? With every kind word...You were killing me with kindness. You just didn't know it. Every word you spoke, made me feel as guilty as sin. Why? Because I knew, that if I left, you wouldn't be smiling. But I had to go. Or, so I told myself. All your words made me want to stay.

"The only reason it's special, is because you're here."

Quit lying! You would have been better off...

"Where are you going this early in the morning?"

It would have been better if...

"The person on the phone...was Archer. Frank Archer."

Better off...

"I love you."

If we never met.

Then maybe...

"Congratulations! You'll be going to the front lines in Xing!"

Maybe if we never met, then maybe you would have been...happier. Without me, you wouldn't constantly have to worry. You could have someone else, who was happier staying close.

I'm sorry.

"B-but! Xing? They have terrorists there Ed! You could be killed!"

"So?"

Would it bother you if I was speaking the truth? For once...would it kill you? Or would you feel glad? Relieved even?

"Oh. Oh! You mean that black haired guy?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, we killed him."

Does everyone lie? Everyone I've ever met...They've always lied. Did you lie too, Roy?

"What you said to Edward earlier about wanting him to love you..."

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love you. I mean, I did. For the longest time. But...

It was one sided. All I ever did was burden you. You didn't have to say it, I could tell. I wanted to see what your life would be like if I freed you from all your personal demons. I betted myself you would be more handsome than ever before. But I realized all too soon, perhaps your biggest demon...was myself.

When he said that he loved me, I could tell the he was lying. Not to me, but to Edo. He really did love me. His reasoning was beyond me. But regardless...

"Well don't get jealous if he starts liking me better than Mustang, babe."

I don't know why he would love me. Not at all. But it was...different. I didn't love him. So, I didn't feel bad burdening him with all my problems. But the more we were together...in that room...

"It's alright Al. It doesn't hurt..."

It felt wonderful.

"I see you were able to escape from Garik's clutches for the time being. Even put him in a coma. Wow. Or was that that woman that was shadowing you? The one with the gun?"

See? You don't need me. You have others who are willing to die for you. So let me go. Please. This is all for you. And for her.

"He's an interesting character and I happen to like him. Does that bother you, Colonel? "

Why should it? Put me behind you. Move on. It will cause you less heartache to stop loving me. After all, I was already dead when we first met.

"Let's just see how much the Cold Flame's pet can really handle..."

No. I don't want to be your weakness. Not me. I'm not worth it.

"Maybe by the end of this, you won't want to go back to them. Maybe you'll stay with me, by my side..."

I had no intentions of going back to him. I'll go to her, and I'll end everything, whether he wants me to or not. Whether I'll stay by your side remains to be seen. How useful are you Erik? Can you give me what I want most? Can you fill the gap? When I'm done with this, will you be able to forget? After all, I don't want to burden you too.

"I want you to love me."

Fine. I'll love you. I won't run. Just...leave him alone. Forget he exists. Focus on me. Give me pleasure. Give me what I want and I'll return the favor. The world is about equivalent exchange. Why should love be any different? I'll fill the gap that my look alike gave you. You give me what I want, and you'll always have me until my death. Right Erik? Isn't that what you want? You followed Archer until you found me, and then you were fine, you have no further use of your number one pawn. But why me? Why would you love someone as twisted as me? Just because we look alike? That's hardly a good reason.

But who am I to judge? Let's switch roles. I'll be your torturer and you can be my victim, I look like your lover, and you can keep loving me. You would like that wouldn't you Erik? You and I are alike. Masochists. We'll both do anything for the one we love most of all, and we relish in the pain it brings.

Too bad I don't love you most of all.