Closure

Chapter Eight

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
your impossible to find
-Second Hand Serenade

Lily walked into her Care of Magical creature's class with Victoria and Mel. Professor Hatchet gathered the students and led them towards the edge of the forest to see Ridtail snails. Lily barely listened to the chatter around her, her mind was drawing to another place. James had been in every thought she had that night, and stuck in every thought this morning. Her stomach clenched at the guilt she felt for Sarah for kissing her boyfriends neck. For putting him in the position they were mingled in. She had defiantly fallen for him, and there was no doubt in her mind that he had moved on. Last night was proof of that. The so familiar feeling of loss ran through her and she remembered her parents. The thoughts of them gone were stopped last night, when she was in his company. Lily trailed off the thought and watched the odd looking snails glide there way ever so slowly across the grass.

_

James sat in the Quidditch change room with his fellow team mates. They were talking about tactics they could use against the up coming game with Ravenclaw. He excused himself and went out onto the field to breath in some fresh air. He was obviously caught up about last night with Lily. I had almost kissed her. My feelings haven't changed one ounce. I can't do this to her. She needs a friend. Someone to try and help her and I come along and take advantage of her vulnerability. She doesn't need this and neither does Sarah. I can't do this to her.

_

Lily sat in the common room that afternoon with some of her friends. They were talking about new dress robes that had just come out in Hogsmead. Sarah walked over, with a group of her friends trailing her. Lily looked up at her and gave her a smile. Her friends stopped their conversation and watched as Sarah gave Lily a filthy smile back.

'You can have him now.' She spat sourly.

'Excuse me?' Lily puzzled.

'You can have James now. You don't have to have your little meetings behind my back or your little strolls.'

Lily's face lit scarlet. 'We weren't doing it behind your back Sarah. He was helping me.' She replied coldly, keeping her temper at a minimum.

'With what.' Sarah said coolly, 'Helping your lips to his.' Her group of friends nodded with sour faces.

'No!' Lily said angrily. 'James is not like that.'

'That's funny. You always said he was a player before.'

'He has changed now Sarah.'

'No, he has never changed Lily. He loved you before and he still does now.' Her face shifted a little, a sign of sadness tinting her eyes. 'No one can change that. Not even you.'

Lily looked at her dumb founded and highly irritated. 'He does not. He might of in the past but he doesn't anymore.'

'He dumped me. That's saying something.'

Lily looked at her in shock. James entered the common room with Remus and Sirius by his side. Neither girls noticed there presence.

'You don't need to have any of your secret little meetings anymore.' Sarah continued.

'They weren't secret.' Lily said her temper rising.

'So what did use do? What were the secret meetings about?'

That was it. 'THEY WEREN'T SECRET.' Lily raised her voice in a slight scream.

Sarah ignored her distress and continued her bitterness 'I thought you were a beautiful person, I didn't think you'd-'

'My parents were murdered from death eaters! James was helping me. HAPPY? Is that good enough!' Lily stood, her cheeks flushing crimson that almost shaded the color of her hair. 'James found out and was trying to stop me from hiding in a little hole. I'm sorry if that hurt you.' She had tears trembling down her face. The whole common room had watched the tension between the two. A few of Lily's friends went to comfort her.

Sarah looked down and muttered, 'I'm sorry for you loss.'

Lily wiped her eyes. 'And I'm sorry for yours.' She pulled away from her friends and went up to her dormitory.

_

Lily didn't come out until ten the next morning. Her friends had tried talking to her, but she blew them off. She got out of bed and went for a cool shower. It would have been second period by now. She dressed and walked into her Transfiguration classroom.

'Your late Miss Evans.'

'I am sorry professor McGonagall, I-'

'Please tell me after class. Take a seat.'

Christina gave Lily the seat next to her and professor McGonagall continued the lesson. Lily opened her book and took out her quill. Christina leaned into her to whisper. 'James was worried about you last night. He was in the room while you told her… while you were yelling. He was going to run up after you but Victoria told him to let you be alone. He waited for you in the common room. Thought you'd like to know.'

'Is Sarah alright?' Lily whispered back.

'She feels real bad. They all thought you and he were cheating behind her back.'

'Is she okay with James?' A little too eager…

'Dunno?'

'Evans, Moore! You're interrupting my class. Do I need to take points off your houses?' They both crossed there heads. Lily looked over towards James. He was starring out the window. She sighed, looking back at McGonagall and writing notes down.

She met up with Victoria for her next class, Charms. They took seats by the window, for the fresh air. Sarah walked up to there desk. 'Hi.' She said uncomfortably. 'Lily, look. I'm sorry. I got carried away. I knew if I went out with him he'd still have feelings for you. He even warned me. I know he was trying to help and all and that's cool, and don't worry about me getting dumped. I'm fine.' She smiled. 'There's plenty of fish in the sea!'

'Sorry, for asking but, why did he leave you?' Lily asked.

'I guess there's always an ending for everything. But I do know why.'

'What's that?' Victoria asked.

'You can't go out with someone when they love someone else. It hurts to say it but aye-I'm Sarah, I aint gunna get upset over a break up. See this face, I aint gunna ruin it up with tears. I'm over it!' She walked back to her own group of friends and Victoria looked at Lily with a giggle.

'Problems much? I think she's a little insane.'

Professor Flitwick walked into the room and told everyone to take a seat. James took a seat at the back of the room with his comrades. Sirius was in tears of laughter over something. James pushed him and Sirius fell off his chair. James cracked up at the sight of his legs dangling in the air, until Remus told him to settle.

_

Lily stood as her history class ended and walked out into the open air, strolling across the courtyard. The sun was blazing today. She looked up to it, feeling its nice raze of warmth. 'Lily.'

She turned to the familiar voice. 'James.' She replied, the tingles under her skin prickled.

'Can I talk with you for a moment?'

'Sure.'

He took her to the closest seat and sat down beside her. 'I'm sorry about last night. How Sarah had a go at you.'

Lily looked at him wanting to say so many things. She had all rights to! I have fallen for you, Sarah was right to be suspicious… 'Why did you break up with her? I thought use were great together.' She concluded.

He looked away from her and watched the courtyard. Choose my words carefully He thought. 'There was something nagging inside of me. I couldn't keep feeling it.'

'What was it?'

You. 'It's personal.' You don't want to know the truth Lily. He faced her with his lopsided grin. 'Maybe I'll tell you one day.' That's if I ever want to lose you…

'Is it that bad?'

'Depends in which way one looks at it.' Take you for example-You'd run far away.

He looked away nervously and watched the courtyard once again. Lily watched fascinated. 'You okay?'

'Yeah I am. I'm sorry she had a go at you.'

'I'm glad she did. I was dragging you down not telling them why you were with me. I should be the one apologizing.'

'Nah. I didn't mind.' Lily smiled appreciative. He had changed a lot. He was not the same arrogant selfish boy she once knew.

'So are you going to be a player now?' She asked cheering the mood a bit.

'No.' He replied simply.

Lily shifted in her seat a little. He looked so solemn. Something she wasn't use to with him. 'So you've finally matured aye. I'm proud.'

He laughed. 'Thank you.' He looked over to her, 'What are you doing for the Christmas holidays?'

Lily smiled happily, then reality hit. The color in her face went pale and she looked down, tears starting to well in her eyes. James realized what he had just asked her and felt ashamed with himself. She was stuck at Hogwarts. Her parents wouldn't have much Christmas spirit in coffins under the ground. She shivered. 'Lily, I am so sorry.'

Lily held her tears back. 'It's fine. I just need some adjusting.'

He took her face in his palm. 'That was stupid of me.' She crossed her head. 'No, I knew what happened. I should have thought before I spoke.'

'I didn't think before I remembered. Even?' She gave him a weak smile.

James couldn't watch her so helpless. 'Meet me at the oak doors at eight.'

'We're not allowed in the corridors after curfew.'

'We're head students remember Lily. We'll make up some story of finding some kid down there if we come across someone. I need to make it up to you. No buts okay. Just do it.' She nodded her smile turning back into high spirits.

'Cya then.' He left and she carried on towards the Great Hall for lunch.

__

'Where are you going?' Lily called in the darkness of the night. James led them to the Quidditch stadium. He grabbed two broomsticks out of the locker room and gave Lily one.

'You can fly right?' He asked.

'Of course I can. I'll race you!' They did. James beat her by a quarter of the field. 'That was luck. You gave me the dodgy broom.'

'Yeah right.' James laughed. 'Wanna play tag?'

'That's for kids'.

'Then I'm a kiddo for tonight.' He counted to fifteen. Lily quickly rode away, hiding behind the Gryffindor posts. 'I'll get you easy.' He teased. 'You're like a turtle.'

'Am not.' James flew to the direction of her voice. At the sound of his broom Lily quickly rode off towards the Syltherin posts. James saw her from the corner of his eye and turned swiftly catching up to her in no time.

'I reckon we should change brooms. You jinxed my one. Let's swap.' Lily told him.

'Come on then, jump onto mine.' James pulled up beside her. 'Don't worry, I'll catch you.' She hesitated but carefully leant on the top of her broom, reaching out towards his own with her legs. James swung his broom around so that she could easily drop onto the front of him. When she was secure in place of him, he took Lily's unused broom and dropped it onto the ground. Then he reached his arms under her own to reach the top of their broom to steer. He directed them out of the stadium and flew around the lake. It was around eleven when they snuck back up the Gryffindor common room.

'So did I make it up to you?' James asked taking off his cloak and placing it on the back of the closest couch.

'You didn't have to in the first place.''

'Christmas is soon, we'll have to have a snow fight.'

'Yeah alright.'

They both grabbed glasses and filled them with water and settled by the fire. 'So...' James started as they watched the flames in silence. 'Was it good not having your face in a book?'

Lily gave him a piercing glare. 'My heads in a book because I'm learning and doing assignments, unlike you mister.'

'I never understood how you could put so much effort in.'

She shrugged. He got up and refilled another glass. 'But thanks for everything James. You have helped me a lot and you've also shown me a lot as well.' He looked back at her and starred into her emerald eyes. She looks so gentle and fragile.

She gazed back at his face; he looked at her with a strange sort of expression. She couldn't work it out, but it held such a power in them. Something she had never seen behind those eyes.

'Lily.' He said softly.

'Hmm' she murmured, mesmerized by his uncertainty of speaking her name.

James kept on watching her, the warm flames glowing off her features. Her beautiful green eyes were beckoning him. He opened his mouth and hesitated. I love you… no, but I do? I shouldn't, why not? She's my friend. James mouth closed and he felt his heart sink. He wanted to tell her how he felt about her, but was worried more than anything that he would lose this new friendship.

Lily watched his mouth close. Her heart, which was thumping as hard as it had when she kissed his neck stopped and fell limb. He turned to put his drink away leaving Lily to be puzzled. He returned back a moment later with empty hands. He watched Lily's puzzled face and smiled. 'I was gunna say thank you.'

Oh… 'For what?'

'I dunno. That's why I didn't finish.' He laughed, but it didn't reach his normal cackle. 'Thanks for being a friend after everything I did to you. I was a git back then, but there is no need to worry any longer Lily. It's all in the past now.' He lied. 'I'm over all that.' He said regretfully.

Lily smiled. But inside herself she was disappointed. 'So you don't like me anymore?' She asked, although she was unwilling the answer. She didn't want to hear a no, yet she didn't want to hear a yes either.

James sat beside her. 'No.' He felt ashamed, lying through his teeth. He couldn't tell her, he couldn't loose her now. He remembered the night when they had been inches away from kissing. Why did she do it? He often wondered since. Vulnerability? 'It's late. You should go to bed.'

'Me? You should.' She argued.

'Ladies first.'

'Then off you go.' She poked her tongue out.

James made a dramatic gasp. 'How dare you.' He put his hands on his hips and gave her a girly pose. 'I'm not a girl. I'm a man.'

'Boy!'

'I'm too big to be a boy.' He winked at her.

Lily raised an eyebrow. 'Too much information James.'

He smiled.

'I never imagined this.' Lily said sighing.

'Imagined what? Lily Evans you better not be imagining how big-'

'James. Of course not. I meant this… you and I… friends.'

'Oh.' He smiled.

'I thought I'd end up killing you.'

'Well you don't want to know what I thought we would end up doing or being.'

'What did you think?' She asked curious.

'It was in the past.'

Lily could see the flecks of scarlet on his cheeks. 'Come on.'

James crossed his head. 'Nah its best I don't mention it.'

'James… I told you mine.' She whined.

He looked at her; again he had that face, that strange look. 'I saw us ending up together.'

'Together.' She repeated. The words settling around her mouth.

'Hmm, yeah. My arms around you, lips against lips. Weird past huh!'

'Didn't know you were so mushy.' He nudged her, his face gleaming in crimson. 'Too bad I didn't know you were like this before.'

'Whys that?' He asked anxious.

'If I saw you like this I would have said yes.'

His chest lurched at her words. If only… she's vulnerable James, don't take advantage! He held her hand softly. 'Then I guess it was best that you didn't see me like this.' She starred at him confused. 'I think we better get some sleep. We have exams all week. And then the train comes Friday to pick up students for the Christmas holidays.' He tightened his grip on her hand and lingered it for a moment before leaving it. 'Night Lily.'

'Night James.' She said wanting to reach out for him. He went off to his dormitory. He had stated in so many conversations that he did not feel the same as he used to. Just friends, nothing more… nothing less. She couldn't be with him feeling more. She didn't want to mess with his heart now that it had settled. But she couldn't just stand by him with her heart throbbing to be with him a little closure. I have to stay away from him for awhile. To get rid of these feelings for him. She crossed her head angrily. No, these are stupid irrational thoughts.