Different Shades of Grey

Chapter Ten

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

Fall for you-Second Hand Serenade

Night had crept over the castle. James sat in front of the common room fire, watching the flames endlessly flare against each other. The room was full of Gryffindor students, he noticed a certain dark haired girl who was walking by and settled at the water near him. 'Is she okay?' James asked Victoria as she made herself a drink.

She glanced over at his anxious stare. 'She says she's fine. She's just studying right now; I'm heading back up there soon. Would you like me to pass on a message?' James crossed his head unable to put a sentence together to explain how sorry he was. Victoria left him to continue pondering in his thoughts. He glared back into the flames his mind shadowing the warmth. It wasn't until he felt the pressure of Remus beside him that he came back into reality.

'It looks as if you're in a dilemma.' Remus started, 'Is there something wrong?' James shrugged. 'Did you tell her?'

James looked to Remus at these certain words. 'Tell her what?'

'How you feel about her.' James started to argue. 'It's quite obvious to those who observe. So what has happened to cause the dilemma?'

James sighed defeated. 'I think she knows I like her.'

'Are you sure?' Remus asked uncertain.

'I'm pretty sure. I think most definite she knows now.' He sighed once more and leaned against the couch restlessly.

'What did you do?' Remus asked concerned. The tone of voice made James feel a little edgy.

'I just… I don't want to talk about it.'

'You don't always have to be a big man James. Even at our weakest moments we need our friends to confine in. Take me as an example, I have a err... furry condition that I hid from everyone but Dumbledore. I was afraid that no one would ever accept me again, but you, Sirius and peter found out about my condition and helped me. I am not afraid to admit that it is one of my most precious memories I'll keep and I don't think you will ever understand how much that meant to me. Now I'd like to repay you with a little help of my own. At least let me try.'

James looked at his mate and gave him a small smile. 'Okay,' he started looking back towards the fire. 'There was mistletoe in the corridor and traditionally I kissed her. After the kiss she walked away and told me not to come after her. I think she knows I like her and probably just didn't want to have me around.'

Remus sat in silence for a moment. James watched him from the corner of his eye; he couldn't deny he felt incredibly tense to know what he was thinking about on his situation. Then right on cue Remus casually asked 'Did she kiss you back?'

James recalled the memory of their kiss; the thoughts of her lips dividing between his, feeling her warm breath against his cheek flooded his mind. 'Yes… yes she did. But it was because of the mistletoe.'

'Hmm. What did she do when she stopped?'

'Err she apologized and then left.' James racked his brains trying to remember the details. 'It was stupid of me. I should have pretended not to see the mistletoe.'

'And regret missing it and not knowing what could have happened?'

'Remus my friend, you are both to wise and smart for me. This is an uncomfortable conversation. It was good to get it out but it doesn't change anything.'

Remus stood and put his hand on James shoulder. 'I don't think you understand the situation properly. Think through it carefully. Go tell her how you really feel.'

'I can't' James answered agitatedly.

'No, you won't. You're afraid she'll leave.'

'If she hasn't already, yeah.'

'Give it a try Prongs.' Remus left him and went over to a study group in one of the common room corners. James continued to stare into the fire until he heard a name. Christina had called Lily's name out to join her by the sofas. James couldn't help but turn as she entered from the dormitory stairs. She walked over to Christina and several other girls followed by Victoria. James turned away from her. The thought of seeing Lily again did, as he thought would, remind him of the kiss. The fire seemed to remind him of the warmth that lingered between them.

'What you doing?' He heard Lily ask the girls.

'Discussing careers.' One of the unknown girls replied. James could see Lily in the corner of his eyes. She had taken off her cloak and was now in her sleeved vest. She was flicking her hair behind her shoulders, showing her beautiful green eyes. He caught eyes with her; she looked straight past him, and waved to a friend. James turned all his attention back to the fire.

'Go speak to her.' Remus called from the studying corner. James crossed his head. Remus just gave him a stern look and James stood up giving in. He walked over towards Lily.

'Err… can I please speak to you.' There was a pause before she turned around. 'In private.' Lily looked at him and then back to her friends. 'Please.' He waited. Hoping was all he had. She stood and he took her into a booth in which they had previously been in when she tutored him. 'Lily I am really sorry for what I have done.' James looked at her nervously, Remus words replayed in his mind. He crossed them out knowing a lie would be his only way to keep her. 'It was for tradition. If I knew you would have reacted like you did I wouldn't have done it. You're a great friend. That's all I think of you as. So please don't worry, I don't like you anymore then that.' He waited for her to say something. After a while he realized she wasn't going to. 'Come on Lily… what are you thinking?' She looked away. 'Please, just talk to me.'

'I'm sorry.' She said softly.

'It wasn't your fault, it's mine. I would have taken that kiss back if I could.'

Her heart shattered into pieces. 'James I have to go.'

'No. Let's talk about this. I want to make it clear that I have no other feelings but friendship towards you.' Her body felt numb, she was warming into a swell of erupting tears. She held them in. She couldn't bear to hear him continue. 'It was just a kiss.'

Lily held herself. He doesn't feel for me at all. He has changed...

'You told me to grow up, so here I am. I'm not letting a stupid kiss ruin this.' He said determined to win back her friendship.

And now it is my fault, I have lost his feelings. I can't do this, I can't be with him.

'Please.' He put his hand out to her.

She shivered. I can't handle feeling like this; I must leave and forget it. 'Let go.' She told him. He did as told and watched her as she glared at him. 'I can't be with you.'

'I understand why you don't believe me but think about it and-'

'I can never be with you. I have to leave, I am sorry.'

'Lily…' James gaped at her.

'Please just forget we were friends. It's for the best. Believe me it'll help.' Help me rid of these feelings.

'No!' James raised his voice. 'It wont.'

'You once helped me James Potter. Now I'm helping you.'

'No your not.'

'You don't understand.' She said desperately.

'I do. You think I'm still in love with you.'

Lily crossed her head aggravated. 'James as a friend would you do anything in your power to help me.'

'Of course.'

'So if I asked you something that could help me, would you do it for me and obey it.'

'Anything Lily.' He replied hopelessly.

'Okay.' She said without looking up to reach his eyes. Pain was stretching throughout her, her tears trying to find there way out. 'Leave me alone. Don't speak to me, contact me of any means find yourself in front of me from this day forth. If you care and are my friend you will obey my orders.' It was silent; she took her eyes from his body and stood.

'Why…' James said softly, pain coursing through his word.

''I'm sorry.' And then she left. The last time James would ever hear from her again. Her last words 'I'm sorry' echoed in his head and will be the words that will haunt his nightmares. He had lost everything he wanted. Lily Evans the meaning he believed to be his one true love.