Hopeless

Chapter Eleven

Its been a month. Only a month and things have changed as if it has been a year. I sit here like I usually do at this time, this place for the last month. Pouring my thoughts into the fire before me, listening to her voice from afar. That's all I can do here on out, listen from afar. Sneak glimpses every now and then. That's all any of us really see of her lately. She's become independent. I've never seen her this determined in her work before. She isn't eating much, she's lost some weight. She's never around. Only occasionally she lingers around her friends giving a laugh. Just a laugh, no more. I can see there trying to get her back on track. They believe her unusual behavior over the last month is because of her parent's loss. But I question that. It was me. But I don't understand why she's taking it out on everyone else. Is it something more or have I completely broken her down?

No, it wasn't just me. It must be more about her parents. I wish she'd just look at me. Just to realize I exist. I miss her. I keep hoping she'll come back. But I'll just hurt her more. She's right. This silence is for the best. I can't be with her because I won't be able to let go and I can't stand this distance either because I ache for her. Why? Why do I love someone who I shouldn't? Why can't I forget my feelings and move on? I want to hold her, to get myself into her head. But I don't want to hurt her any more then I have… lily… James sighed putting a hand through his hair in frustration. I've gone loopy.

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Lily picked up her books from Charms and headed out the door for Transfiguration. Victoria waved goodbye and headed in the opposite direction for Divination. It was a cool day. The wind was screeching outside the castle windows. A perfect day: Grey clouds, slight ran, freezing gusts of wind, trees swaying dangerously. She felt like running into it, letting out her screams. She held herself tighter for warmth and dropped her Transfiguration books. She went to pick them up.

James kneeled down and handed it to her. There eyes locked for a brief moment and she quickly retrieved the book and turned. Her body shook from the sudden shock of seeing him. She gripped the book tighter against her chest hoping it would ease down the thumping in her heart. She had convinced herself that human emotions and feelings can be handled if determined enough with thought. She didn't expect him to come out of no where and take her breath away.

She could feel his presence walking behind her. She shook off her emotion pretending he was someone else. But it was as if her heart had targeted its desire. She considered being out in the storm screaming again. This one accidental surprise had created such an explosion inside herself. She picked up her pace, staying as far as she could get from his strong familiar cologne.

James watched her turn down another corridor feeling helpless. Sirius came up beside him laughing. 'Silvia Pia just accused Snape of rubbing his head against her seat. I put grease onto it. Classic! You should of seen his face. It was two pranks in one. What's with you, you morbid bunch of seaweed?'

'Seaweed?' James raised his eyebrow at him.

'Yup! You doing Quidditch practice still today?'

'Nah, it's too rough out there. They cancelled practice.'

'Good. You can help me with my History of Magic homework.'

'Why are you asking me to help when there's' Remus? Why are you even doing that subject?'

'I thought it would be an easy subject. Hmm Moony, good idea. See you helped me already.' They walked into professor McGonagall's class and found Remus and Peter sitting at the back of the room.

'Everyone take a seat, Lily and Remus can I please use your assistance at the front.' Both Lily and Remus stood and made there way to the front. 'You are to be captains of two teams. But before you are all divided into teams I will explain what we are doing. First of all you should all be able to transfigure a still object into an object of movement. You will each be versed against each other. The one who has the most creativity will win points for their teams. Any questions?'

Sam had his arm up. 'Yes Mr. Bilody?'

'So we are using 'Usellue' to change the still object into one that can move?'

'Yes, it could be as simple as an animal. It is your imagination. Just as long as it moves, now Remus you can decide who you want for your team. We'll go two at a time.'

Remus turned to the classroom and called out 'James and Sirius.'

'Lily.' McGonagall probed as Sirius jumped up and told Lily she was going down.

'Christina and Sarah.'

'Back to you Remus.'

'Jim and Zoe.'-

'Krystal and Tracy.'-

'Scott and David.'-

'Christopher and Brendan.'-

The list went on until the last students were chosen. McGonagall lined them up parallel to each other so that the two teams were facing each other. 'I am going to call a name from each team and they will verse each other first. Peter Pettigrew and Sarah Colony please step up. They both stood in front of the teacher. She placed two goblets onto the desk. 'On the count of three. One… two…' They both raised there wands and called out 'Usellue'. Sarah's goblet turned into a chicken. Peter's goblet on the other hand didn't do anything. Lily's team cheered as professor McGonagall pronounced Sarah the winner. 'You're through to the next round. Peter please take a seat and I advise you to learn that spell. It will be in our next exam. Christopher and Todd, wand to the ready, go.'

They both called the enchantment. Christopher turned his goblet into a bouncy ball. Todd had made his into a writing quill. 'Hmm, they are both good. I'll give the point to Todd.' Remus's team roared in applause. 'Lily Evans and Zoe Pierre.' James watched Lily carefully as she walked passed him to the front. 'You may go.' They both called out 'Usellue'. Zoe made an ant while Lily did some fireworks. Zoe automatically sat herself down before the teacher could. 'Excellent Lily, Sirius Black and Christina Whyte.'

'You're going down Chrissie.' Sirius smirked.

They raised there wands. Christina's goblet turned into a flag that was swayed by invisible wind. Sirius had created a toilet with it on flush. Everyone fell in laughter. 'Alright' McGonagall gave a small smile. 'You're in the next round. David Phemn and Tracy Mia.' They both came forward and pronounced the spell. Tracy's goblet turned into a hamburger with walking legs. David's made a dancing ballerina.

In the end it was Remus, Lily and James.

'It's obvious it was going to be those three. Remus and Lily are the smartest in the year and James, well James is the best at Transfiguration in our grade!' Sarah let out. McGonagall choose to ignore the comment and asked Lily and Remus to step forward.

'and wands to the ready. Go.' Remus had created a waterfall. Lily made a small plane. It flew across the room and a few tiny men jumped out with parachutes as the plane exploded. 'Lily you gain that point, now James and Remus. James if Remus beats you Lily automatically wins. Remus you can either become second or third. You may start.' James created a mini Quidditch field. You could see tiny people on broomsticks in red and orange against silver and green. One of the reddish figures flew up to McGonagall and grabbed the snitch. It was an unmistakable junior James Potter. 'Extraordinary.' McGonagall let out as the class awed. 'That's high standard work that is.' Remus gave James a cheer and sat with the rest of the class not bothering to beat him. 'Lily and James. Team head to head! On the count of three. One… two… three…' Lily took her wand and created wind. It took the room by surprise. Papers spilt everywhere. Lily stopped her enchantment and called out 'Seulles.' To turn it back into a goblet. The class then looked at James for his. He flicked his wand and the goblet disappeared. Soon it reappeared in words that floated in the air. The words 'Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, ring the Hogwarts bell' wavered then turned into a ribbon that tied itself together and grew mistletoe. It disappeared once again and two figures replaced it. It was hard to see who they were, James had blurred there faces. One was pointing towards the mistletoe, then they kissed and the other pulled away. They disappeared and the words 'I am sorry' placed out in cursive. The class applauded bar Lily and Remus who had clearly noticed what James had created.

'Who were the people?' Sirius called out in a lavvy dovy tone.

'They could be fictional' some one else called out.

McGonagall calmed the class down. 'Now Lily and James both gave wonderful examples, how ever Lily, you didn't turn yours into an actual object. In any means it was not solid or see-able. So the point goes to James. Remus team wins.'

James ignored the cheers he was given. He was watching Lily who was still looking at James words 'I am sorry'. He took advantage and made the words turn into 'I really am sorry, please forgive me.' The bell rang and Lily immediately grabbed her books and headed out the room without even glancing at James to show she acknowledged his words.

James headed up to the common room with the others. He felt completely drained. Not physically, but emotionally. He sat by one of the windows and looked out at the growing wind. The trees were swaying madly. Remus stood beside him.

'Pretty bad weather.' He commented.

'Looks like it.' James replied dully.

'Back in Transfiguration, I don't think that was a good idea.'

'I realize that.'

'hmm..-'

'Hey! What's that?' James looked closer out the window. 'That's Lily. Lily's out there!' Remus followed his gaze and just saw the red flecks of her hair swaying frantically in the wind. 'I have to go out there and bring her back in. Its dangerous out there, she'll freeze!'

'But will she listen.'

James took this in and took a moment to think. 'Well if she doesn't want me then I'll have to be something else.'

'Your crazy. Do you even know what you're saying?'

'I'm an animagus. I'll help her as a stag.'

'You'll frighten her.'

'Hopefully enough to get her back inside!'

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Lily ran out to the lake. The wind was throwing her in all sorts of directions. She flicked it back and ran passed the oak tree towards the forest barrier. The trees were swaying dangerously. Lily looked back to the lake. The giant squid wasn't seen through the ripples of water. She let the wind carry her closer to its depths. Her eyes were filling up of tears from the pain she felt. The cold sprays from the lake cooled her skin. She started to feel numb. If only my thoughts could be so numb. Then he wouldn't be so full in them. Tears poured from her eyes. She screamed into the winds wail and let herself fall to the ground to weep in her arms. She gave another weep hoping James would come to help her as he had when she found out her parents had died. A thousand more tears had erupted. Mum… Dad… She thumped the ground. James… She had lost those most precious to her.

There was a noise behind her. She tilted her head up and listened for it again. Lily turned her head back and gasped. A beautiful creature stood on four legs, meters behind her. It gave her a lopsided head gesture. She puzzled and continued to stare at the stag. It took a step forward. Lily went to stand uncertain whether it was dangerous or not. It stopped and gave her another lopsided head gesture. It couldn't be harmful. Just look at him. 'You're very cute.' Lily sniffed, wiping her tears. She let it walk up to her and kneel beside her. She held out her hand and patted its head. She was overwhelmed with how confident she was to let a stag in her arms. Especially one that would of come out of the forest. But its lopsided look was so warm, so familiar. The stag was soft against her arms. It rubbed its cheek against her own and then laid its head on her leg. She smoothly rubbed his stomach. 'I shall call you... Harry.' The stag lifted his head to her. She looked into his eyes. 'You're a peculiar animal. It's almost like I've met you before. Ha. I'm talking to an animal how pathetic. My mind really has gone insane.' The stag licked her hand. She gave a small laugh. 'Do I taste good?' The stag licked her other hand. 'Harry.' She giggled. She held his head up and pressed her nose against his and smiled. 'Are you a message sent to tell me something… are you a sign?' Lily's smile faded. 'I've seen you before… so familiar. Who's sent you Harry? Was it… was it my mum?' A tear trickled down her cheek. Harry wiped it away with his furry cheek. 'You're an intelligent animal.' She starred into his eyes carefully, tying to get an answer. 'Hmm' she held herself from the cold. The stag lifted his head under hers trying to stand her up. She crossed her head. 'No I don't want to leave here. I don't want to go back.' The stag kept trying until she gave in and stood. The stag pushed her forward trying to make her walk up towards the castle. She slowly but gradually ended up in front of the oak doors. She turned to the stag and lowered her head. 'Hope to see you again.' She cupped his face and went to kiss his forehead. The stag moved from her reach before her lips made it. He waited until she had left inside the oak doors before transforming back into his human form.