Chapter 1 - Reflections
After much reflection I've decided that holding this inside of me isn't helping my any and I've decided to see what writing it down does for me. Here goes. I feel so stupid for doing this, but anyway.Here goes.
Dear Diary, I guess, I mean I don't keep a diary, but I need to get this out and there's no one else to tell it too. I'll likely burn this when I'm done writing it but I hope putting it into the physical realm and out of my head brings me some peace.
I'm so tired of it. Being here with him. Held back by fears that I think are so childish. I mean, I'm scared of being alone, without him. But I'm alone anyway. I don't know which would be worse. Being alone and not having him in any sense, or staying here and having him in only sight ways that just skim the surface of what I feel for him. I mean, mentally he's already left me anyway. I wish he'd just leave me totally so I don't have to do it, be the one that ends it. He knows I won't anyway. I can't. I'm held back by those same childish fears of being alone and lonely. Just like I was before I got him, before he saved me.
When I was a little girl and my dad would hit me I always knew I could run to him. He would be my rock. He always acted like I was a pain in front of his guy friends but it was just an act back then. He didn't want to look less adult because he had a little girl tagging along. But he didn't really think I was a pest. He had to keep up his appearance was all. I knew that, and so did he but we didn't let on. It was like we had this great secret that no one else shared. Contrary to Mia's belief I didn't have a crush on him then. That came later. But he was always there for me. I don't think I can pinpoint just when it changed, when he withdrew from me, but he has, he did and I can't bring him back to me. I've tried. God knows I've tried.
I know he's not happy, this man of mine. The love of my life. He's miserable, I'm miserable too, and I don't know why he doesn't end things. He's the one who'll have to and I think he knows it. I try to tell myself that he's gone. He's gone even though he's still here with me. I wish he'd just leave. If he's going to leave then he should just LEAVE! He took his heart back from me a long time ago anyway, he only left his body and for the first while after things changed it was enough. It was enough to still have him in my life, even in that purely physical way that barely skimmed the surface of the bond we use to have.
The wounds that I got in that final car crash have healed. I'm as good as new on the outside, but the wounds that he's given my heart haven't healed. You'd think by now they would have. That I would have grown some sort of defence mechanism to protect myself. But the damn wounds in my heart just won't heal. The pain is too much to take sometimes and I think of ending it in the most permanent way. But then I think of the rest of the guys and Mia. I know I can't. Plus I don't really want to. I want to say he's not worth it, but he is, and that pisses me off even more. He's worth everything to me but I get the feeling I'm not worth much to him anymore. I'd hoped time would either fix us, or at least fix me, but it hasn't. It might, if I wasn't still here, still trying to let this shell of a relationship be enough to satisfy me, even though I've had all of him and I know this will never, ever be enough.
What the rest of the world, the rest of the team doesn't know is he's always had nightmares. They terrify him. He wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming his beautiful head off. Then he turns to me. Then he acts like I'm still the one. I don't tell anyone because he's the tough guy, it would kill him to know that others knew he was a mortal as the rest of us, and he could be hurt and be scared just like anyone else. When I wake him from one of these terrifying night terrors or he wakes himself he turns to me then, pulls me to him to hold him while he cries. And like the lovesick fool I am I let him use me like this.
I know as soon as the sun shines it's warmth in our window, well, his window, he'll be right back to treating me like one of the guys. Not like the woman he said he loved. Like the woman he is still sleeping with. I hate him now. I hate him for a lot of things. I think its hate. Whoever said the line between love and hate is a thin one was more right then they ever knew. Unless they went through something like I am. I love him so much. Then when he's not around me, when I can't see the beautiful face, I hate him more then I ever hated anything else. Even my abusive dad, who he use to be my savoir from. It's like I have this wonderful, caring, sweet, and vulnerable midnight lover and this cold, unfeeling, uncaring daytime boyfriend. I know what they say about me. I'm supposed to be the girl that's not scared of anything. Yet here I am, scared of doing something as easy as leaving a guy who doesn't seem to care if I stay or go anyway.
When he first looked at me with new eyes, eyes that saw me as a woman and not a little girl that needed him it was so good. As Mia likes to say, he's like gravity and he pulled me in like he pulled in everyone else. But I pulled him in too. He didn't cheat on me once the whole first 2 years we were together. Not only was the 2 years a record for him so was the not cheating thing. I thought that was it, we were meant to be together. He was my every girlhood dream come true. I was tough then too, but he saw the soft side of me, he's almost the only one who knows I have one, who still sees it. I don't think anyone else remembers that I'm not only a tough woman, but one that needs to be cared for too.
At first it was like I was a flower that needed sun to grow and Dom was my sun. I guess I figured if a guy like Dom wanted me then I must be something special. I was totally enthralled with him, just like a sunflower that follows the sun's path across the summer sky, I turned my face into his light and grew. I had so many dreams for our future together. I see so many of them in tatters and the shards they broke into around my feet now.
First he cheated on me once. But it was always a mistake. He always apologized so well, so nicely. And I kept taking him back. I mean I was pulled into his gravitational pull. Haha. I'm never telling Mia she was right about that, no matter how right she was. He haunts my every thought and I don't have the strength to pull myself out his sphere.
And every time I see him it's like all those girlish dreams are thrown right back in my face. And then broken. They're all broken and nothing can put them back together. Both of us know what to do with broken cars, neither of us know what to do with this broken relationship and I don't think we'll ever figure it out. It's just that I've been fighting his fears and mine for so long now and not getting any help or support for doing it that I think some finite source of love or something inside me is all used up now. That's why I'm finally thinking all this stuff out, telling this story. If you knew me, you'd know how strange it is for me to talk about any of this stuff. Even if it is just in my own head.
I've told myself that he's been gone from me in his head for so long now that it shouldn't matter if I leave him. But then he'll have another nightmare and it'll be so sweet while we hold each other in the night. And that'll make me think, if he still turns to me like this then he must still care about me. There's just something going on that makes him act cold and unfeeling toward me during the daytime. But the daytimes are the more convincing of the two.
It's so unfair. I get to hold him in the night, hold his hand, while he gets to hold all of me, mind, body, and soul. I gave him my heart. I don't think I can take it back. I don't know how. But I get to hold his hand, while he holds all of me. I get a small piece while he gets the whole thing. I deserve better.
I looked up from my writing as I heard a noise behind me. First the door opening then heavy, masculine footsteps entered the room a few paces. I paused, pen still to paper for a moment, then set the pen down slowly and carefully and schooled my face into an impassive mask. Then I turned around to face the door. And there he was. And the words I'd been both longing to hear and dreading just as much left his sinful mouth.
"Let, we need to talk."
Chapter 2 - Tough, But Tender.
We need to talk he says and God help me I know why. I know what he's going to say. Much as I've been wishing for it, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. I try to push the nausea down. I know what he wants to talk about and it makes me sick. I want to run and throw up but I don't want him to know how upset I am either. So I settle for setting my face in my typical bad ass expression. If he's going to break up with me then he's not getting any help from me, nor is he getting any satisfaction such as tears out of me either.
"What do we need to talk about Dom.?" I sigh. I want him to know he's interrupting me, bothering me. Well he's not, but I don't want him to know that. I want him to think I'm just being Letty the bad ass.
"Well." He trails off, like he's not sure why he came in here. We both know why he's here and I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. "We need to talk about us." He sits on our, or rather his, bed and pats a section of comforter beside him on the bed.
"I'll sit here if you don't mind." I retort back at him with considerable bad attitude. Like I said if he's breaking up with me then I'm not helping him do it. Not going to go easy on him. Sit beside him all happy and tell him it's ok. It's not ok and it's mostly his fault. I tried at first, but he never did. That makes this his fault. Besides that if I end up on or in that bed with him all that's going to happen is sex. And not the I love you, beautiful slow kind we use to have but the raunchy knock them down drag 'em out rough sex that we use to have every once in a while for fun but that is now the only kind we seem to know how to have. And because of that I'm making this hard on him.
"Letty." He sighs and looks at me. Begging me with those big brown puppy eyes not to make this harder on him then it already is. But I'm not that nice. He never made anything easy on me. Even when he promised he would. So this should be hard on him. It's going to be hard as hell on me after all.
"What is it Dom?" I ask him again. I wish he'd get to the point already. It's killing me to sit here and wait for him to drop the bomb like I know he's going to. I gag slightly, the nausea almost winning but I manage to keep it down and keep it from him. I school myself to remain calm, like I don't know what's coming. Like I wasn't just writing about the very same thing.
"I think you know that things haven't been right between us for a while now Letty." Dom started, looking upset and nervous all at the same time. I'm like the only one who can read his expressions so accurately. Me and Brian could most of the time, could before he ran off after making sure that Tran paid for what he did. Left the team. Left Dom. I think that was the beginning of the end for us. Dom really liked Brian and Brian taking off on him really hit Dom hard. The rest of the team thinks Dom either looks perpetually angry or happy, no emotions in between. I can tell what he's feeling all the time and no matter how much he'd like to deny it, his emotions run the gamut same as everyone else's.
"Tell me something I don't know Dom." I answered him. I almost felt bad when I saw his face fall, but I hardened my heart. After all, I'm not the one who hasn't been trying. I've been trying so hard. I've been nice to him. I've tried not to be such a bitch to him. Tried to trust him and not ask him where he's been or what he's been doing. And what do I get for my efforts? I get dumped that's what. Or at least that's what he's trying to do. Not that successfully I might add.
"Letitia." He says my name on a sigh and trails off again. I bet he is again wishing I'd go easy on him. Fat chance. I cut him off.
"Don't call me that." My full name has a meaning, an origin. It means joy or gladness. I don't have any joy in my heart and no gladness for Dom. I don't want to hear my full name leave his lips. Like he understands he nods.
"I don't know how to do this any other way so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. You've always been the tough girl and we've never had to sugar coat things between us before." Dom says as he looks at me.
No, we've never had to sugar coat anything. Of course it's hard to sugar coat the fact that the man you love will sleep with any skank who can get her skirt up high enough to spread her legs far enough open. But I wonder if telling Dom that is smart. Fuck smart. I decide to go out with a bang if this is to be our last fight as a couple.
"Nope, but it's hard to sugar coat the fact that your boyfriend sleeps with any girl who'll drop her pants for him, sometimes even in our own bed. Then promises not to do it anymore and does it again anyway. Then comes up with a harebrained scheme to make money that almost sees two of our best friends killed, sees me hurt, sees Mia lose her love, sees someone else dead. Then decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but keeps fucking me because I'm convenient. Then after months of using me for sex and for comfort comes into the room where I am and tells me he's not going to let me down easy he's just going to tell me." I almost made myself cry there. I reduced our relationship to the lowest common denominator, and as much as I know I'm correct it also hurts like hell to think of him using me like that, like he has.
"Letty. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend ever, especially over the last few months. But there hasn't been anyone but you in my life for a long time. And I kept sleeping with you because I hoped that it would make everything right. But it won't and I can't go on hurting you like I am. I love you Letty but at this point in my life I'm just going to continue to be a horrible boyfriend and I have a lot of shit to work through on my own before I'm going to be fit to be in my own life, let alone in someone else's. I can't find my own happiness Let, let along be responsible for yours too. The physical part of our relationship has never been an issue for either of us, it's always been the communication part that didn't work and I know that's mostly my fault. I've told you so many times that I'm sorry for cheating on you but I'll tell you again. I truly am sorry for every time I ever did that, ever hurt you. But I'm not fit to be in anyone's life right now."
He was taking the easy way out then. Telling me that he was the problem and that someday, with time when he was better then we might have a chance. I can't believe this is how it's going to end. I've been in love with Dominic Toretto since I was about 13. Known him since we moved here when I was 10. I've had him fighting my battles for me from almost the day I moved into this neighbourhood. Now it seems I'll have to start fighting them on my own. Especially since if he's breaking up with me I'll have to leave this house, maybe even LA and that means I won't have V anymore either. It's scary.
"So you're breaking up with me?" I asked him. I was fairly sure that was where he was going with this whole thing, but I wanted to clarify and put it in totally certain terms before I really flipped out.
"Not really Letty. But we need to take a break. Take some time apart." Dom said and the look on his face was really sincere. But he's always been good a faking sincere with me too.
"Dom there is no such thing as a break. Either we're together or we're not. I refuse to wait around for you while you screw other girls. I refuse to wait for you to take your break and come back to me. If you want to be with me that's fine, we'll try to work things out. But if you don't want to be with me then you don't and we're broken up. There will not be 'a break' in this relationship. Either we still have a relationship, or you are effectively saying we've thrown away the last 6 years of our lives. I will not hang around this house and wait for you to finish playing at being single and come back to me. I will not wait on you." Again I reduced things to the lowest common denominator for the sake of clarity and watched his face fall. He'd hoped I'd give him his break to try to see if he could do better I suppose.
"But I have things I need to straighten out Letty and I can't do that if I know I'm making you miserable at the same time and I know I am." He looked at me and I swear I could still see love for me in his eyes. If there's still love for me in him then why is he doing this to me? "I'm not doing this so that I can be single again for awhile or something Let. I have some real issues to work out."
For Dom to admit that is one hell of a feat. I know that. But at the same time it's just breaking my heart to lose my Dominic from my life. I don't know what he was thinking anyway. I mean he must have known how much it would kill me to be around him in his life and not be able to call him my man.
"So you're telling me that we are broken up then because you have issues you need to work out on your own."
He nodded at me with a look of pure sorrow on his face that almost did me in again. That almost made me decide I could let him have his break if it meant for sure that one day he would decide he wanted to be with me again. But I am a woman in every sense of the word and I deserve better. I deserve to have a man in my life that is wholly in my life, not playing at being my man or being my part time lover while he tries to make up his mind what he really wants or how he really feels. I nodded once to show I understood the decision we had reached and got up.
I walked up to our, or rather, his closet and took out my duffle. I started to pack my clothes out of the closet into the bag. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to smack Dom around. I wanted to hit him hard. I'd broken down and hit him hard enough to bruise him once before, when I'd caught him in the middle of fucking the whore in our bed and it had felt so good. But it also let him know how much I cared about it. I wanted to throw a kicking, screaming temper tantrum on the floor. But I didn't. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt me or upset me that much. So I calmly packed my stuff into my duffle.
"What're you doing Letty?" Dom asked me, shock replacing the sadness on his beautiful face.
"What'dya think Dom? I'm packing my shit." I told him with an exasperated tone. I don't know what the boy thought. That'd I'd keep living in his bed, in his room and in his life after he effectively managed to do what no one else ever had, break my heart. Sometimes Dom Toretto is the densest, thickest boy I know. He puts hard headed Vince to shame every once in a while.
"I can see that Letty but why? You don't have to leave."
"What'dya mean I don't have to leave Dom? You just broke up with me. Told me you needed your space. Told me you didn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. You thought what? That I'd keep sleeping in your bed and living in your room afterward?"
The look on his face clearly told me that he while maybe he hadn't thought that, he hadn't thought what would happen after through at all either. He'd just known our relationship was sick and he'd thought that ending it was the best thing to do. However the practical things like where I would go after he did this and the fact that I wouldn't be saving him in the night any more had never occurred to him.
"I don't want to lose you from my life Letty. I just don't want you to hurt anymore. I never thought you'd leave home. Leave the team." Leave me. It was in his eyes but he didn't say it to me. He'd broken up with me but he didn't think I'd leave him. He was so selfish. He both wanted his space and wanted me in his life. He never thought he couldn't have both because he was so used to getting his own way in everything. He couldn't have his way in this.
Just how selfish Dominic Toretto really was hit me in a wave and made me so angry. I started throwing stuff into my bad even more violently.
"Don't run away from me Letty, from the team. We don't want to lose you. Just because you and I aren't together for awhile doesn't mean you have to leave the house." He pleaded with me. Dom never pleads, but when he knows he's fucked up with me. Then he'll beg. But I know he's only doing it because often the shock value of seeing the great Dominic Toretto humble himself is enough to make people grant him his way.
I should really thank him I guess. That act on his part was enough to grant me the strength to pull myself free of his gravitational pull. For now.
"I'm not running! You're sending me away. I love you Dominic Toretto. In the forever and ever kind of way. But you don't love me. You just told me as much. You've been killing our relationship ever since august when all the shit went down. You are easily the most selfish man I've ever met."
"Letty." He said my name like an entreaty. It was like he was begging me to listen to him. I had no intention of doing so.
"Don't interrupt me Dominic. I'll admit that I was really mad at you after I'd rolled my car and you sent Leon back for me instead of coming yourself and letting Leon get V. But V was your best friend and I guess on some level I understood that since you'd effectively gotten him into the mess you had to get him out. I'll admit I was madder then hell at you while I watched them take V away in that chopper. I'll admit I was hard on you at first for being the one that had to go through with everything even after we all begged you not to. But I got over it. I got over it and so did everyone else. Mia got on with her life after Brian never showed up again. Vince worked his ass off and got the use of his arm back, got over the scars and got on with his life too. Jesse worked his ass off and he's almost as good as new. Leon's back to normal. I tried my best but you.You just sort of gave up Dom. Just decided that it wasn't worth fighting for and gave up. That means that you decided that I wasn't worth fighting for, that it was easy for you to give up on me. I can't make you try harder, nor can I make you change your mind. If you want space to be on your own and think and try to work things out you can have it. But I'm not going to hang around and wait on you to come around Dominic. If you ever do come around you can look me up."
And with that, since I'd finished packing all my stuff while I ranted I shouldered my bag and headed for the door. I was proud of that rant. That was tame for me. I didn't yell or scream. I didn't hit him or throw things. I'd kept my dignity. The very thing he'd tried to strip me of time and time again even though he didn't think about it and didn't really know he was doing it.
I had my hand on the knob when I heard my name. I thought I was imagining things at first because it was said softly in a trembling voice. For Dom's voice to tremble he'd have to be crying. Crying in the daytime over something other then his father's death. And that just never happened. Had never happened in all our time together. I turned to look at him and he was staring at me with a single tear track leading all the way from his left eye down to his chin.
"Don't leave my life Letty. I never wanted that to happen. I just want to get back to where we were before and to do that I need some time. Please don't leave me." I watched as another single tear ran it's way down his face. I almost broke down and stayed. I steeled myself. Dom needed to grow up. And in a lot of ways so did I. Maybe this time apart was what we both needed. Maybe he hadn't planned it to come out this way but maybe it was also for the best. I wasn't a cruel person. Sometimes Dom drove me to cruel acts but I wasn't cruel by nature. Tough, but tender inside. That was me. I'd had to grow that tough outer shell to protect my tender inside. That wasn't Dom's fault. That had been my dad's fault but Dom sure hadn't helped me not need the tough shell any, that was for sure. I often think of what in the world made me fall for Dom. Is there some higher power who wanted to see me suffer? I couldn't stay here and that meant I had to go. Don't leave me, he'd begged, after he'd just broken up with me. He was so fucking selfish!
"Dom, maybe you thought we'd keep playing house while we were broken up but it doesn't work that way. Maybe you didn't see this happening but it's likely for the best. If you work your way out of the hole you're in then look me up." With that I opened the door to our, no his, I need to remember that this house was never mine, this room was always his and until he grows up it always will only be his, room and walked out. Closing the door to my past behind me and walking down the stairs of the house into my future. Bleak as it was likely to be without my sun in it.
At the bottom of the stairs I looked around the living room one last time. Seeing V's chair with his guitar propped up beside it. Just waiting for the man in question to burst in the front door, plop down, pop the top on a cold corona and pick it up and strum a chord or two. Then grin at me and ask me what I wanted him to play for me. Vince. The second love of my life in a strictly older brother kind of way. I'm going to miss having him around. And Dom is likely to have the world's biggest headache ever after he gets the lecture that will no doubt come his way from Vince over this whole situation.
I walked slowly into the living room and spotted a few more items. Leon's Playstation. No matter how much he practises he can never beat me at racing games. He can beat me on the streets. Not easily, and I've beaten him a few times, but he can't beat me at any racing games. Not for lack of trying. It's so funny to watch. That's why when we play Grand theft auto he's always picking up hookers. Because he knows it's the one thing he does better then me in the whole game. But it always makes me smile. My eyes land on Dom's chair, the chair where we watched so many movies curled up together, his arms around me and his breath tickling the side of my neck. I looked away quickly from that sight.
Next I see Jesse's laptop. He's never without that thing. I don't know where he is that he left it behind. It's waiting on his end of the couch for him to bound in the door with his endless energy and one track mind and pick it up to start designing our next race car or surfing for the endless amounts of porn that kid looks up on the internet. I've never seen any group of guys as sex crazed as this bunch. Of course all of them but Dom are confirmed bachelors. I guess they all are now. I almost lost my composure at that thought but I held on and headed into the kitchen. Mia's domain.
I can see her at the counter now. Making some of our favourite foods. I can see her with Brian behind her at the counter looking happier then she ever had before, with his arms around her waist. She might complain but she loves to take care of us all. She has more mothering and denning instinct then any one woman deserves to. I think she got my share as well as her own. She takes care of us all, and worries about us. Mia and I are the same age almost to the day, but in so many ways Mia is so much older then I am and in so many other ways I feel ten times older then her. But when we get together it's like we cancel each other out and we both get to be crazy 22 year old girls. I was so looking forward to Mia being my sister by law and not just by a love so strong for each other that we think of each other as sisters. But I guess it'll never happen now. I know Mia and I couldn't be more different but we still love each other like family. Maybe her bloodlines are as Italian as mine are Latin but we were bound together by years of friendship and love and a mutual love of the man in our life. Dom.
We should be family or we should see that possibility in the future. But Dom and his selfishness took that away from us. Why did it take me so long to see just how selfish Dom really is? I mean, he's a good man too, but so selfish in a lot of ways.
No matter how long I stand here and think about it it's not going to change things. Dom will get his way as he often does and we'll have our break. My only question now is what will I do with my life? He threw my life out of order to try to give his some. That's fine for him. He gets to keep the team, the garage, his life. All the things that give his life meaning and routine are still available to him. I on the other hand am now lost. My family is this team. My blood family are not worth thinking of. My abusive dad and junkie mom. They stopped being family the day I moved out of their house and into this house with my real family.
I thought of them again for a moment. My family, my team.
Vince and his almost perpetual need to fight something or someone. His constant but unacknowledged need to be taking care of the weaker people in his life. His total and complete but sometimes undeserved loyalty to Dominic. His total and, I'm proud to say, deserved loyalty and love for me. I love him right back. He's always got my back. And I always have his. Unlike Dominic, who whether he'll admit it or not tends to use Vince to do his dirty work because it's easy to do. His sad but true love of Mia. How I wish Mia could love him back. But she can't. And what so many people don't see is the fact that she wishes she could. But he's been her second older brother for too long. She does love Vince, don't get me wrong. But she loves him the way she loves Dominic and that's never going to change. But Vince will look out for her for the rest of his life. I just hope that Vince doesn't loose track of the fact that he deserves some happiness too. I hope the girl that'll knock Mia off her throne in his life comes along soon. I love Vince. He's my V. What more can I say.
Leon and his need to be the peacemaker. To have us all around him and happy. To keep us safe in his own way. To watch for the cops at race night. To calm Dom down when his temper gets out of control. To watch out for Mia and I on race nights and in life. His need to try and make sure that Vince doesn't sell himself short or get taken advantage of. I think Leon is the only other person but me that sees how easy it is for people to take advantage of Vince if Vince cares about them. Vince is so damn loyal to us that he'll do anything we ask of him, even if it's dangerous. But Leon sees that and tries to stop it, but he does it with his tact and Vince never knows. His need to keep Jesse safe and happy. His unflagging, dogged determination to beat me at a race game, and race game. His beautiful smile and gorgeous green eyes and terminal fear of commitment. The fact that if it were possible he'd marry that fuckin Skyline. Her name is Kimi and woe to anyone who doesn't think she's real. Leon sure does. The name is Japanese and it means literally 'she who is without equal'. And that is how Leon sees his car, so no girl he's ever been with has been able to equal his car in his affections so he's single. Till he finds a girl who can throw Kimi out of his affections on her ear he always will be. But he's so gorgeous that girls fall over themselves for him, and because he can't have sex with his car he gets with them but it never works out. I love Leon too.
Jesse. Jesse is always in a good mood. He's the smartest person on this team and he doesn't even really know it. He thinks he's stupid because he failed in school. As if. Jesse could go anywhere or do anything if he put his mind to it. And there in lies the problem because he has ADD and he can't put his mind to anything for too long before he gets bored then sidetracked. But he's so sweet. And innocent too. I mean, not totally innocent but in a lot of ways he really is. Leon looks out for Jesse a lot. Jesse loves Dom blindly. Too blindly by times. But Jesse lost his father at a young age to the California state penal system and Dom took him in. And Dom became like a father figure to Jesse. Jesse needed one but I'm not sure that Dom was the best choice. But Dom looks out for Jesse as best as he can and Leon fills in the blanks. And Jesse is the best damn mechanic this side of New York. But if Vince is big brother to me then Jesse is my little brother. He's taught me a lot of what I know about tuning imports. Dom's father gave me my mechanical background but Jesse taught me about small engines with big horsepower, NOS and turbos, upgraded piston rings and running large amounts of boost, coil covers and advanced timing and cold air intakes. I love him for it as much as I'm going to miss watching out for him and trying without success to steer him toward nice girls while he goes out of his way to get with skanky ones. Jesse's my boy. I love him. I'll miss looking out for him.
Finally I turn my thoughts to Mia. The sister I never had. The sister that should be mine. The feminine counterpart to my tomboy, tough girl. Between the two of us we were one hell of a woman. She cooked and cleaned. I fixed and raced the cars. We both loved her brother, albeit in different ways. I grin with that thought. Poor Mia. I can't count the number of times she's caught me and Dom looking at each other 'that way' and made her grossed out face. I can't count the number of times she held me close while I'd cried about Dom cheating on me, again. The number of times she held ice on my swollen knuckles when I just had to fight that skank who'd looked at Dom too long or that guy who'd shot his mouth off. Or anyone who pissed me off in any way if Dom and I were fighting. She was always there for me but this time I had a feeling she was going to be there for Dom and I was going to be all on my own. Maybe it was time. I'd had Dom and Vince to help me fight my wars for a long time and I really think I'm ready to fight them on my own for awhile. But it still hurts like hell. I was going to miss her almost most of all. Mia understood me. She's seen all there is to see. Happy, sad, upset, angry, out of my mind, ready to kill, high on adrenaline, drunk. She's seen it all. And she still loves me anyway. I hope I find a girl where ever I end up to be half the friend to me that Mia is. But I doubt it'll happen. It hurts to think of leaving Mia almost most of all. Of never walking into that stupid café and saying "How you livin' girl?" To her while I offer Dom a drink.
Last but certainly never least in my book my thoughts turned to Dom. The only man I ever wanted for my own. I'm not stupid. I've seen the way other guys look at me. I could have any one of them. But I don't want any of them at all. I want Dominic. I had him. But not totally. I always had to share him with the racer chasers. He always tried to tell me that it was all part of his image. That he had to look like a big player so that he wouldn't lose respect around races. But I knew, and Dom never figured it out. They only wanted him for the image same as those other guys only wanted me because I was his girl. Other guys wanted to be the guy that took me from him. And other girls got to be the girl who took him from me. At least long enough for him to screw them. Maybe he hadn't cheated on me in as long as he'd said, but he'd done it enough in the middle three years for a lifetime.
And there is another example of his selfishness. He says he loves me, said he loved me then, but for some reason guys thinking he was a playboy was more important then my pride and my happiness. He knew that other girls thought he was cheating on me even when he wasn't. He always just told me that it didn't matter because he wasn't cheating on me. So he said since I knew the truth that it shouldn't matter what they said.
But when I pointed out that if that was the case then it shouldn't matter what other guys thought of him for being in love with his woman and not wanting the attention of the skanks when he knew he had something better at home he clammed up and said in his mumbling, annoying little boy tone that it 'was different' for him then it was for me. But he could never tell me how.
I shook my head to clear the cobwebs and headed for the front door. I paused for a moment with my hand on the doorknob and turned around to study the house from the inside once more. I wanted to remember how it looked and felt to be a member of this team instead of the outsider I was about to become as soon as I walked out the door with no idea when, if ever I was coming back. No one will ever know the strength it took to keep me moving out the door and out of that house. Out of his sphere.
But I did it. I turned the knob slowly to the right and stepped out onto the porch in the glaring afternoon sun, shutting the door softly behind me. I walked down the three steps that lead to the walkway down to the curb where my car was parked. I hoped the team didn't come home before I got away. I don't know if I would have had the strength to leave if my guys had begged me not to. I'd used up all the strength I had to leave anyway when Dominic had begged.
If Vince turned those big baby blues on me and begged me to stay I might just have to do it. If Leon looked at me with his gorgeous green eyes clouded over with worry about things not being peaceful in his world and asked me to stay I might have to. If Jesse broke down and cried like the little boy he was inside in front of me I wouldn't be able to leave him. If Mia told me she couldn't make it through the pain that Brian leaving her had left in her life without me then I might have to pull her close for a change and stay for her sake. And I knew for my sake I had to go. So no matter how much I hated to hurt my family it was time for me to put Letitia first and leave. At least for a time.
I got up to the side of my car, inserted the key into the lock and then paused again, shooting a look up at the house, at the window that I use to consider mine. If I'm not mistaken I think he was watching me leave. Begging me with his gaze not to. I saw the curtain in his room twitch. But with another burst of strength I didn't know I possessed I opened the car door and flipped the seat forward. Then I tossed my bag in the back and slid in.
Sliding behind the wheel of my car was like coming home. For the first 30 seconds. Then is was a constant reminder of Dom helping me build him. His name was Raidon, who was the Japanese god of thunder. How appropriate for a Japanese 240sx Silvia. He was a thunder god. But Dom was in every fibre of the upholstery, every grain of the dash, every spin of the CD player. Dom and I had christened this car. In the back seat, on the hood, in the front seat. While he was driving with me in his lap.
And those memories were no easier to suppress then those of Me and Dom and Vince and Mia as kids playing. Dom was such a part of my life that I still wasn't clear on how I was going to go on without him. I know I could have if I still had the rest of the team. But losing Dom and the rest of the team in one fell swoop was crushing me. I didn't start the car right away. I sat in it and just let the sorrow crash over me. The adrenaline of the scene with Dominic was wearing off and a bone crushing weight of sorrow was pressing me down. How was I going to live my life without the one person who'd both known I really was as tough as I looked to the word, and knew that while I was that tough I also had a soft side that was just begging for someone to take care of me too?
Then the tears started. I wouldn't let Dom see me cry but that didn't mean I wouldn't cry about what had happened. But now that I was crying I had to go. I had to leave before Dom or any other team member saw me crying. Because while I did occasionally have to cry, I never let anyone but Dom and one time Vince see me do it. It was my secret.
I started up the car with a practised flick of my wrist and engaged first. With one more quick look up at the house I let up on the clutch, gave my car some gas and pealed off our street. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. I allowed myself a few moments of worry for the guys and Mi. Then I decided to turn over a new leaf of only looking out for myself for awhile and I headed the car east.
I drove out of California and into Texas that first day. I cried the whole drive. I hate myself for that. That's too much crying for anyone. Let alone for me. I still had no idea where I was going. It was dark and I felt the need to stop for a rest. I started looking for a motel that didn't look like someone named Bates owned it.
It's hard to find a motel that doesn't look like that in Texas. Or at least it is when you can hardly see because your eyes are so blurry from both fatigue and from crying so much. I finally just picked a motel. I didn't care what it was like anymore if it had a shower and a bed for me to get some sleep. And I figured I should call the team and let them know I was ok. Dead inside but otherwise ok. Not Dom mind you. He deserved to worry about me. But the rest of them didn't. I didn't know what I was going to tell them though. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing so it was going to be hard to tell them.
I signalled for the right hand turn and pulled into the Motel. After getting a room with my fake ID to help lessen the chance of any of the team finding me if they should happen to be out looking I took the key they gave me and walked up a flight of stairs to the second floor and opened the door to room number 213. Great number, I thought to myself as I opened the door.
I walked in and took in the terrible but clean décor. It seemed I had chosen well, even if it was by random. I headed straight to the bathroom. The whole day I'd had had made me feel dirty somehow and I needed a hot shower first and foremost. I closed the blinds, turned up the A/C and started shedding my hot, dirty, sweaty, grimy clothes in a trail up the bathroom and I was naked by the time I reached the door of the bathroom. I turned on the water and waited for it to heat up. I was hotter then hell already but I knew the only thing that was going to make me feel better was a hot shower. Thus the A/C for when I got out and tried to get some rest.
I stepped under the relentlessly hot and strong spray of the shower and turned my face into it. It was good for a minute or too, then it made me think of him again. Of taking showers with him in the morning. Of the way he'd soap my skin, the way he was so gentle with me. The way he'd have me shave his head for him when we got out because he always cut himself but I could do it smoother but all without cutting him at all. And I started to sob again. I'm really starting to hate myself.
I cried myself out again in the shower then got out and dried myself off almost roughly out of my anger at myself over all the crying. Once I was dry I left the bathroom still naked as the day I was born and headed over to the phone.
I stared at that phone for about 10 minutes before I realized it. I only came to because I was getting so cold. I was damp to begin with and the air conditioner I'd turned up before my shower was really efficient.
I picked up the receiver and listened to the dial tone for a further minute trying to screw up my courage to make the call. And that made me mad at myself all over again. I wasn't scared of anything, let alone of calling some of my best friends. So why couldn't I dial the familiar numbers that would connect me with one of my friends.
I knew the root of the fear I was experiencing stemmed from not wanting him to answer. I could handle talking to any of them but him. But I didn't want Mia to worry all night like I knew she would if I didn't tell her I was ok. I slowly started to dial. 1 323 555. It took me a whole minute to impute the whole phone number. But I did it. My hand shook the whole time.
One ring. Then two. I almost hung up but kept it together. Three. Still no answer.
Four. Still nothing.
Five. A sleepy hello. It was only 12am. Why where they asleep?
"Hey V." I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell Vince where I was so he'd come get me and make it all better like he had when I was a kid and some chick had picked on me for being to skinny or too good with cars. But instead all I said was hi V and waited for him to say something back.
"Let. Where the hell are you?" All traces of sleep were gone from his voice now.
"Somewhere else." I answered and I knew it was lame. But I didn't really want him to come for me, much as I did. "He left me V."
"I know." He sighed out and I knew that things in California were not going well either. "Are you ok Let?"
"Yeah." I lied. I think he knew that but there wasn't really much he could do about it if I wouldn't tell him where I was. And I wanted to tell him so bad. But I'd told myself it was time for me to start to fight my own battles and I couldn't do that if Vince came to do it for me.
"Letty. Come home. He'll come around. You know he's been in a funk lately. He just didn't think what he said through." Vince growled in his attempt at crooning to me. I'm the only girl this side of Mia he'll turn that beautiful voice onto in that tone. The tone that makes me think of people talking to scared animals. But if he has that tone of voice it means he cares about people too much so no one can know he has that voice stored away. But I know.
"I think he knew what he was doing V. It seemed pretty well planned out and to be honest I was wishing he'd do something about how thing's had gotten for some time before he did it. I think I need some time for me as much as he needs his space to get over whatever it is he thinks us being apart will help him get over."
"Ok, so both of you needed some space, some time apart. Did you really have to run away from us all Letty? Couldn't you have moved downstairs with Me'n Leon'n Jesse? Or got a place somewhere close by so we could still see you." Vince sighed in frustration.
"I can't see him V. If I'm gonna get over him and get my life back then I needed to be in a place where I wouldn't see him at all. I just can't handle seeing him." This was Vince. I had to convince myself it was ok to tell him the rest. "I.I can't see him when he takes home other girls Vince. I can't see him moving on with his life. It would kill me to see that." I almost broke down again.
"I don't think that's what he has in mind Let." Vince answered. "He's broken. He hasn't come out of his room since we got the story of where you were and what happened out of him. He's just in your room with the lights all off. I think I might have heard him cry."
"Don't Vince."
"Don't what Let?"
"Don't try to make me feel bad for him. One, it was never our room. It was his room and he let me stay there with him because it was easier for him if I was already there when he wanted me then to have to come to my room and get me. Two, he's the one that didn't try. You know how hard all of the rest of us have been working to get back to normal. To put the past behind us. He's the only one who hasn't put the effort in Vince and you know it."
"Yeah, but I don't know that he can put the effort in without you Let. And I don't know how to hold this team together without you either." I could hear the genuine worry in his voice.
"You don't have to hold the team together V. That's his job. It's his team." I sneered, getting mad at Dom again. I was on an emotional rollercoaster and I really wanted off. I was happy one second, sad the next and madder then hell the next. And though it all I wanted Dom. I wanted to hold him, have him hold me. Kiss him on his bald head, his beautiful mouth. Watch him while he kissed me in all the places I liked.
"But if he won't do it Letty then you know it's gonna fall apart around us all."
Yeah, it likely would. But this was where taking care of me first came into play. I wouldn't be there to see it all fall apart because I couldn't be. I couldn't take it. Not only could I not take seeing Dom fall to pieces, I couldn't trust myself to stay strong enough not to fall back into comforting him if he did.
"Much as I love you all V that's not my problem right now. He's been selfish for more years then I can count and I need my turn to be selfish for a while too. I'm sorry that in doing that I have to hurt you and the others too but I don't see a way around that." Vince sighed.
"You're right Letty. You do deserve a chance to be happy. I just wish you could find your happiness somewhere that I could see you."
"Me too Vince. But hey, it's not like I won't take him back. I think I will at least. If he comes around and looks me up when he's done finding himself or whatever he's doing and I haven't moved on by that time then I'll be willing to give him a second chance. Or maybe I'll move on and then I'll be able to come home again. If I can put in into a friend's role in my life then I can come home."
"I just want things to go back the way they were."
"Me too." I said to Vince and it was one of the most heartfelt things I've ever said. "So now that you and I have gotten that out of the way is there any way I can talk to Mia?" I had to try to explain to Mia too. God I miss her. I miss them all already. How am I ever going to do this? If I can't get through one day how can I get through weeks? Or months? Or maybe even years?
"I'll get her." Vince says and I hear his bed springs creak as he gets up. I wonder why he was already in bed. I heard the familiar squeaking of the stairs up from his room in the basement as he walks up them and it breaks my heart a little more. That house is home. I know so much about it. The way the stairs squeak to the basement. The way to jiggle the light switch in the porch to get it to turn on. "Hey Mia. Phone." I hear Vince shout out.
"Hello?" Her waivery voice comes across the line.
"How you liven girl?" I ask her like I have so many times in the past.
"Oh Letty. I'm so glad you're ok." She sobs out at me.
"Of course I'm ok Mia. I'm really upset but otherwise ok."
"When you coming home Letty? We miss you already."
"I know and I miss you all too but I don't know when I'm coming home. I can't come back till he decides he wants me back and I can't come back till I know I'm ready to go." I didn't have a better answer then that for myself, let alone for Mia.
"He misses you so much already Let. The fact that you left is killing him inside. He never expected you to up and leave and now he thinks he drove you away from us, from your family."
"I know that Mia. But you guys must know that I can't stay and watch him live his life. Especially not if that life should ever involve bringing other women home. That there's no way I can move on if I have to see him every day. You must understand that Mia. I mean you must get it almost better then anyone else."
"I understand totally Letty but it doesn't make it any easier."
"No it doesn't. But it makes it make sense." I answered her back. And it did make sense for me to leave. But it making sense didn't make it any easier, Mia was right.
"Where you going?" She asked me next. No doubt so she can send Vince after me. But I don't know where I'm going so I can't really answer her anyway.
"I don't know yet Mia. But I'll call again when I get there ok?"
"You better. Any messages?"
"Tell Jesse to keep on designing my new car because I'll be coming home to have him build it with me some day. Tell Leon that he can't marry his car and he needs to find a real woman for himself. Tell Vince to look out for himself for a change and tell Dom that." Tell Dom what? What did I want her to tell Dom I'd said. I knew I wanted her to tell him something. "Tell Dom that if he ever wants to get us back he has to put in the work this time. He can't just sail out of this one and he has to realize that he can't just have his way all the time, that some things are worth working for, worth fighting for." I paused for a breath.
"I'll tell them all Letty. I love you."
"I love you too Mi. Get some rest. I'm going to and then I'm going to try to figure out where I'm going. I promise I'll call when I get there.
"You better." She answered and hung up. I hung up too and just looked at the phone for a minute before I crawled under the covers and turned out the light with a sigh. I wished for the thousandth time that day that Dom was there to hold my hand and make this better. But he wasn't here, he wasn't going to be there with me for a long time and it was time I accepted that fact and tried to move on.
But it was still with thoughts of Dom and our life that I fell asleep with. It was his name I called out in the night when a bad dream woke me. And it was his name I sobbed out while no one was there to comfort me or dry my tears or hold my hand. As the whole day came crashing back onto me one more time I curled up into a ball in the center of the bed and wished for Vince, Leon, Mia, Jesse, anyone who could make me feel a little less alone.
It's a very scary feeling to leave the center of a team like mine and strike out on your own. I'd never been totally alone before. When it finally hit me that I was totally and utterly alone in the world it broke me again. I cried and cried and cried. I'd thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong. I finally fell asleep, curled in on myself, hugging a pillow for dear life.
After much reflection I've decided that holding this inside of me isn't helping my any and I've decided to see what writing it down does for me. Here goes. I feel so stupid for doing this, but anyway.Here goes.
Dear Diary, I guess, I mean I don't keep a diary, but I need to get this out and there's no one else to tell it too. I'll likely burn this when I'm done writing it but I hope putting it into the physical realm and out of my head brings me some peace.
I'm so tired of it. Being here with him. Held back by fears that I think are so childish. I mean, I'm scared of being alone, without him. But I'm alone anyway. I don't know which would be worse. Being alone and not having him in any sense, or staying here and having him in only sight ways that just skim the surface of what I feel for him. I mean, mentally he's already left me anyway. I wish he'd just leave me totally so I don't have to do it, be the one that ends it. He knows I won't anyway. I can't. I'm held back by those same childish fears of being alone and lonely. Just like I was before I got him, before he saved me.
When I was a little girl and my dad would hit me I always knew I could run to him. He would be my rock. He always acted like I was a pain in front of his guy friends but it was just an act back then. He didn't want to look less adult because he had a little girl tagging along. But he didn't really think I was a pest. He had to keep up his appearance was all. I knew that, and so did he but we didn't let on. It was like we had this great secret that no one else shared. Contrary to Mia's belief I didn't have a crush on him then. That came later. But he was always there for me. I don't think I can pinpoint just when it changed, when he withdrew from me, but he has, he did and I can't bring him back to me. I've tried. God knows I've tried.
I know he's not happy, this man of mine. The love of my life. He's miserable, I'm miserable too, and I don't know why he doesn't end things. He's the one who'll have to and I think he knows it. I try to tell myself that he's gone. He's gone even though he's still here with me. I wish he'd just leave. If he's going to leave then he should just LEAVE! He took his heart back from me a long time ago anyway, he only left his body and for the first while after things changed it was enough. It was enough to still have him in my life, even in that purely physical way that barely skimmed the surface of the bond we use to have.
The wounds that I got in that final car crash have healed. I'm as good as new on the outside, but the wounds that he's given my heart haven't healed. You'd think by now they would have. That I would have grown some sort of defence mechanism to protect myself. But the damn wounds in my heart just won't heal. The pain is too much to take sometimes and I think of ending it in the most permanent way. But then I think of the rest of the guys and Mia. I know I can't. Plus I don't really want to. I want to say he's not worth it, but he is, and that pisses me off even more. He's worth everything to me but I get the feeling I'm not worth much to him anymore. I'd hoped time would either fix us, or at least fix me, but it hasn't. It might, if I wasn't still here, still trying to let this shell of a relationship be enough to satisfy me, even though I've had all of him and I know this will never, ever be enough.
What the rest of the world, the rest of the team doesn't know is he's always had nightmares. They terrify him. He wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming his beautiful head off. Then he turns to me. Then he acts like I'm still the one. I don't tell anyone because he's the tough guy, it would kill him to know that others knew he was a mortal as the rest of us, and he could be hurt and be scared just like anyone else. When I wake him from one of these terrifying night terrors or he wakes himself he turns to me then, pulls me to him to hold him while he cries. And like the lovesick fool I am I let him use me like this.
I know as soon as the sun shines it's warmth in our window, well, his window, he'll be right back to treating me like one of the guys. Not like the woman he said he loved. Like the woman he is still sleeping with. I hate him now. I hate him for a lot of things. I think its hate. Whoever said the line between love and hate is a thin one was more right then they ever knew. Unless they went through something like I am. I love him so much. Then when he's not around me, when I can't see the beautiful face, I hate him more then I ever hated anything else. Even my abusive dad, who he use to be my savoir from. It's like I have this wonderful, caring, sweet, and vulnerable midnight lover and this cold, unfeeling, uncaring daytime boyfriend. I know what they say about me. I'm supposed to be the girl that's not scared of anything. Yet here I am, scared of doing something as easy as leaving a guy who doesn't seem to care if I stay or go anyway.
When he first looked at me with new eyes, eyes that saw me as a woman and not a little girl that needed him it was so good. As Mia likes to say, he's like gravity and he pulled me in like he pulled in everyone else. But I pulled him in too. He didn't cheat on me once the whole first 2 years we were together. Not only was the 2 years a record for him so was the not cheating thing. I thought that was it, we were meant to be together. He was my every girlhood dream come true. I was tough then too, but he saw the soft side of me, he's almost the only one who knows I have one, who still sees it. I don't think anyone else remembers that I'm not only a tough woman, but one that needs to be cared for too.
At first it was like I was a flower that needed sun to grow and Dom was my sun. I guess I figured if a guy like Dom wanted me then I must be something special. I was totally enthralled with him, just like a sunflower that follows the sun's path across the summer sky, I turned my face into his light and grew. I had so many dreams for our future together. I see so many of them in tatters and the shards they broke into around my feet now.
First he cheated on me once. But it was always a mistake. He always apologized so well, so nicely. And I kept taking him back. I mean I was pulled into his gravitational pull. Haha. I'm never telling Mia she was right about that, no matter how right she was. He haunts my every thought and I don't have the strength to pull myself out his sphere.
And every time I see him it's like all those girlish dreams are thrown right back in my face. And then broken. They're all broken and nothing can put them back together. Both of us know what to do with broken cars, neither of us know what to do with this broken relationship and I don't think we'll ever figure it out. It's just that I've been fighting his fears and mine for so long now and not getting any help or support for doing it that I think some finite source of love or something inside me is all used up now. That's why I'm finally thinking all this stuff out, telling this story. If you knew me, you'd know how strange it is for me to talk about any of this stuff. Even if it is just in my own head.
I've told myself that he's been gone from me in his head for so long now that it shouldn't matter if I leave him. But then he'll have another nightmare and it'll be so sweet while we hold each other in the night. And that'll make me think, if he still turns to me like this then he must still care about me. There's just something going on that makes him act cold and unfeeling toward me during the daytime. But the daytimes are the more convincing of the two.
It's so unfair. I get to hold him in the night, hold his hand, while he gets to hold all of me, mind, body, and soul. I gave him my heart. I don't think I can take it back. I don't know how. But I get to hold his hand, while he holds all of me. I get a small piece while he gets the whole thing. I deserve better.
I looked up from my writing as I heard a noise behind me. First the door opening then heavy, masculine footsteps entered the room a few paces. I paused, pen still to paper for a moment, then set the pen down slowly and carefully and schooled my face into an impassive mask. Then I turned around to face the door. And there he was. And the words I'd been both longing to hear and dreading just as much left his sinful mouth.
"Let, we need to talk."
Chapter 2 - Tough, But Tender.
We need to talk he says and God help me I know why. I know what he's going to say. Much as I've been wishing for it, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. I try to push the nausea down. I know what he wants to talk about and it makes me sick. I want to run and throw up but I don't want him to know how upset I am either. So I settle for setting my face in my typical bad ass expression. If he's going to break up with me then he's not getting any help from me, nor is he getting any satisfaction such as tears out of me either.
"What do we need to talk about Dom.?" I sigh. I want him to know he's interrupting me, bothering me. Well he's not, but I don't want him to know that. I want him to think I'm just being Letty the bad ass.
"Well." He trails off, like he's not sure why he came in here. We both know why he's here and I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. "We need to talk about us." He sits on our, or rather his, bed and pats a section of comforter beside him on the bed.
"I'll sit here if you don't mind." I retort back at him with considerable bad attitude. Like I said if he's breaking up with me then I'm not helping him do it. Not going to go easy on him. Sit beside him all happy and tell him it's ok. It's not ok and it's mostly his fault. I tried at first, but he never did. That makes this his fault. Besides that if I end up on or in that bed with him all that's going to happen is sex. And not the I love you, beautiful slow kind we use to have but the raunchy knock them down drag 'em out rough sex that we use to have every once in a while for fun but that is now the only kind we seem to know how to have. And because of that I'm making this hard on him.
"Letty." He sighs and looks at me. Begging me with those big brown puppy eyes not to make this harder on him then it already is. But I'm not that nice. He never made anything easy on me. Even when he promised he would. So this should be hard on him. It's going to be hard as hell on me after all.
"What is it Dom?" I ask him again. I wish he'd get to the point already. It's killing me to sit here and wait for him to drop the bomb like I know he's going to. I gag slightly, the nausea almost winning but I manage to keep it down and keep it from him. I school myself to remain calm, like I don't know what's coming. Like I wasn't just writing about the very same thing.
"I think you know that things haven't been right between us for a while now Letty." Dom started, looking upset and nervous all at the same time. I'm like the only one who can read his expressions so accurately. Me and Brian could most of the time, could before he ran off after making sure that Tran paid for what he did. Left the team. Left Dom. I think that was the beginning of the end for us. Dom really liked Brian and Brian taking off on him really hit Dom hard. The rest of the team thinks Dom either looks perpetually angry or happy, no emotions in between. I can tell what he's feeling all the time and no matter how much he'd like to deny it, his emotions run the gamut same as everyone else's.
"Tell me something I don't know Dom." I answered him. I almost felt bad when I saw his face fall, but I hardened my heart. After all, I'm not the one who hasn't been trying. I've been trying so hard. I've been nice to him. I've tried not to be such a bitch to him. Tried to trust him and not ask him where he's been or what he's been doing. And what do I get for my efforts? I get dumped that's what. Or at least that's what he's trying to do. Not that successfully I might add.
"Letitia." He says my name on a sigh and trails off again. I bet he is again wishing I'd go easy on him. Fat chance. I cut him off.
"Don't call me that." My full name has a meaning, an origin. It means joy or gladness. I don't have any joy in my heart and no gladness for Dom. I don't want to hear my full name leave his lips. Like he understands he nods.
"I don't know how to do this any other way so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. You've always been the tough girl and we've never had to sugar coat things between us before." Dom says as he looks at me.
No, we've never had to sugar coat anything. Of course it's hard to sugar coat the fact that the man you love will sleep with any skank who can get her skirt up high enough to spread her legs far enough open. But I wonder if telling Dom that is smart. Fuck smart. I decide to go out with a bang if this is to be our last fight as a couple.
"Nope, but it's hard to sugar coat the fact that your boyfriend sleeps with any girl who'll drop her pants for him, sometimes even in our own bed. Then promises not to do it anymore and does it again anyway. Then comes up with a harebrained scheme to make money that almost sees two of our best friends killed, sees me hurt, sees Mia lose her love, sees someone else dead. Then decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but keeps fucking me because I'm convenient. Then after months of using me for sex and for comfort comes into the room where I am and tells me he's not going to let me down easy he's just going to tell me." I almost made myself cry there. I reduced our relationship to the lowest common denominator, and as much as I know I'm correct it also hurts like hell to think of him using me like that, like he has.
"Letty. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend ever, especially over the last few months. But there hasn't been anyone but you in my life for a long time. And I kept sleeping with you because I hoped that it would make everything right. But it won't and I can't go on hurting you like I am. I love you Letty but at this point in my life I'm just going to continue to be a horrible boyfriend and I have a lot of shit to work through on my own before I'm going to be fit to be in my own life, let alone in someone else's. I can't find my own happiness Let, let along be responsible for yours too. The physical part of our relationship has never been an issue for either of us, it's always been the communication part that didn't work and I know that's mostly my fault. I've told you so many times that I'm sorry for cheating on you but I'll tell you again. I truly am sorry for every time I ever did that, ever hurt you. But I'm not fit to be in anyone's life right now."
He was taking the easy way out then. Telling me that he was the problem and that someday, with time when he was better then we might have a chance. I can't believe this is how it's going to end. I've been in love with Dominic Toretto since I was about 13. Known him since we moved here when I was 10. I've had him fighting my battles for me from almost the day I moved into this neighbourhood. Now it seems I'll have to start fighting them on my own. Especially since if he's breaking up with me I'll have to leave this house, maybe even LA and that means I won't have V anymore either. It's scary.
"So you're breaking up with me?" I asked him. I was fairly sure that was where he was going with this whole thing, but I wanted to clarify and put it in totally certain terms before I really flipped out.
"Not really Letty. But we need to take a break. Take some time apart." Dom said and the look on his face was really sincere. But he's always been good a faking sincere with me too.
"Dom there is no such thing as a break. Either we're together or we're not. I refuse to wait around for you while you screw other girls. I refuse to wait for you to take your break and come back to me. If you want to be with me that's fine, we'll try to work things out. But if you don't want to be with me then you don't and we're broken up. There will not be 'a break' in this relationship. Either we still have a relationship, or you are effectively saying we've thrown away the last 6 years of our lives. I will not hang around this house and wait for you to finish playing at being single and come back to me. I will not wait on you." Again I reduced things to the lowest common denominator for the sake of clarity and watched his face fall. He'd hoped I'd give him his break to try to see if he could do better I suppose.
"But I have things I need to straighten out Letty and I can't do that if I know I'm making you miserable at the same time and I know I am." He looked at me and I swear I could still see love for me in his eyes. If there's still love for me in him then why is he doing this to me? "I'm not doing this so that I can be single again for awhile or something Let. I have some real issues to work out."
For Dom to admit that is one hell of a feat. I know that. But at the same time it's just breaking my heart to lose my Dominic from my life. I don't know what he was thinking anyway. I mean he must have known how much it would kill me to be around him in his life and not be able to call him my man.
"So you're telling me that we are broken up then because you have issues you need to work out on your own."
He nodded at me with a look of pure sorrow on his face that almost did me in again. That almost made me decide I could let him have his break if it meant for sure that one day he would decide he wanted to be with me again. But I am a woman in every sense of the word and I deserve better. I deserve to have a man in my life that is wholly in my life, not playing at being my man or being my part time lover while he tries to make up his mind what he really wants or how he really feels. I nodded once to show I understood the decision we had reached and got up.
I walked up to our, or rather, his closet and took out my duffle. I started to pack my clothes out of the closet into the bag. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to smack Dom around. I wanted to hit him hard. I'd broken down and hit him hard enough to bruise him once before, when I'd caught him in the middle of fucking the whore in our bed and it had felt so good. But it also let him know how much I cared about it. I wanted to throw a kicking, screaming temper tantrum on the floor. But I didn't. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt me or upset me that much. So I calmly packed my stuff into my duffle.
"What're you doing Letty?" Dom asked me, shock replacing the sadness on his beautiful face.
"What'dya think Dom? I'm packing my shit." I told him with an exasperated tone. I don't know what the boy thought. That'd I'd keep living in his bed, in his room and in his life after he effectively managed to do what no one else ever had, break my heart. Sometimes Dom Toretto is the densest, thickest boy I know. He puts hard headed Vince to shame every once in a while.
"I can see that Letty but why? You don't have to leave."
"What'dya mean I don't have to leave Dom? You just broke up with me. Told me you needed your space. Told me you didn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. You thought what? That I'd keep sleeping in your bed and living in your room afterward?"
The look on his face clearly told me that he while maybe he hadn't thought that, he hadn't thought what would happen after through at all either. He'd just known our relationship was sick and he'd thought that ending it was the best thing to do. However the practical things like where I would go after he did this and the fact that I wouldn't be saving him in the night any more had never occurred to him.
"I don't want to lose you from my life Letty. I just don't want you to hurt anymore. I never thought you'd leave home. Leave the team." Leave me. It was in his eyes but he didn't say it to me. He'd broken up with me but he didn't think I'd leave him. He was so selfish. He both wanted his space and wanted me in his life. He never thought he couldn't have both because he was so used to getting his own way in everything. He couldn't have his way in this.
Just how selfish Dominic Toretto really was hit me in a wave and made me so angry. I started throwing stuff into my bad even more violently.
"Don't run away from me Letty, from the team. We don't want to lose you. Just because you and I aren't together for awhile doesn't mean you have to leave the house." He pleaded with me. Dom never pleads, but when he knows he's fucked up with me. Then he'll beg. But I know he's only doing it because often the shock value of seeing the great Dominic Toretto humble himself is enough to make people grant him his way.
I should really thank him I guess. That act on his part was enough to grant me the strength to pull myself free of his gravitational pull. For now.
"I'm not running! You're sending me away. I love you Dominic Toretto. In the forever and ever kind of way. But you don't love me. You just told me as much. You've been killing our relationship ever since august when all the shit went down. You are easily the most selfish man I've ever met."
"Letty." He said my name like an entreaty. It was like he was begging me to listen to him. I had no intention of doing so.
"Don't interrupt me Dominic. I'll admit that I was really mad at you after I'd rolled my car and you sent Leon back for me instead of coming yourself and letting Leon get V. But V was your best friend and I guess on some level I understood that since you'd effectively gotten him into the mess you had to get him out. I'll admit I was madder then hell at you while I watched them take V away in that chopper. I'll admit I was hard on you at first for being the one that had to go through with everything even after we all begged you not to. But I got over it. I got over it and so did everyone else. Mia got on with her life after Brian never showed up again. Vince worked his ass off and got the use of his arm back, got over the scars and got on with his life too. Jesse worked his ass off and he's almost as good as new. Leon's back to normal. I tried my best but you.You just sort of gave up Dom. Just decided that it wasn't worth fighting for and gave up. That means that you decided that I wasn't worth fighting for, that it was easy for you to give up on me. I can't make you try harder, nor can I make you change your mind. If you want space to be on your own and think and try to work things out you can have it. But I'm not going to hang around and wait on you to come around Dominic. If you ever do come around you can look me up."
And with that, since I'd finished packing all my stuff while I ranted I shouldered my bag and headed for the door. I was proud of that rant. That was tame for me. I didn't yell or scream. I didn't hit him or throw things. I'd kept my dignity. The very thing he'd tried to strip me of time and time again even though he didn't think about it and didn't really know he was doing it.
I had my hand on the knob when I heard my name. I thought I was imagining things at first because it was said softly in a trembling voice. For Dom's voice to tremble he'd have to be crying. Crying in the daytime over something other then his father's death. And that just never happened. Had never happened in all our time together. I turned to look at him and he was staring at me with a single tear track leading all the way from his left eye down to his chin.
"Don't leave my life Letty. I never wanted that to happen. I just want to get back to where we were before and to do that I need some time. Please don't leave me." I watched as another single tear ran it's way down his face. I almost broke down and stayed. I steeled myself. Dom needed to grow up. And in a lot of ways so did I. Maybe this time apart was what we both needed. Maybe he hadn't planned it to come out this way but maybe it was also for the best. I wasn't a cruel person. Sometimes Dom drove me to cruel acts but I wasn't cruel by nature. Tough, but tender inside. That was me. I'd had to grow that tough outer shell to protect my tender inside. That wasn't Dom's fault. That had been my dad's fault but Dom sure hadn't helped me not need the tough shell any, that was for sure. I often think of what in the world made me fall for Dom. Is there some higher power who wanted to see me suffer? I couldn't stay here and that meant I had to go. Don't leave me, he'd begged, after he'd just broken up with me. He was so fucking selfish!
"Dom, maybe you thought we'd keep playing house while we were broken up but it doesn't work that way. Maybe you didn't see this happening but it's likely for the best. If you work your way out of the hole you're in then look me up." With that I opened the door to our, no his, I need to remember that this house was never mine, this room was always his and until he grows up it always will only be his, room and walked out. Closing the door to my past behind me and walking down the stairs of the house into my future. Bleak as it was likely to be without my sun in it.
At the bottom of the stairs I looked around the living room one last time. Seeing V's chair with his guitar propped up beside it. Just waiting for the man in question to burst in the front door, plop down, pop the top on a cold corona and pick it up and strum a chord or two. Then grin at me and ask me what I wanted him to play for me. Vince. The second love of my life in a strictly older brother kind of way. I'm going to miss having him around. And Dom is likely to have the world's biggest headache ever after he gets the lecture that will no doubt come his way from Vince over this whole situation.
I walked slowly into the living room and spotted a few more items. Leon's Playstation. No matter how much he practises he can never beat me at racing games. He can beat me on the streets. Not easily, and I've beaten him a few times, but he can't beat me at any racing games. Not for lack of trying. It's so funny to watch. That's why when we play Grand theft auto he's always picking up hookers. Because he knows it's the one thing he does better then me in the whole game. But it always makes me smile. My eyes land on Dom's chair, the chair where we watched so many movies curled up together, his arms around me and his breath tickling the side of my neck. I looked away quickly from that sight.
Next I see Jesse's laptop. He's never without that thing. I don't know where he is that he left it behind. It's waiting on his end of the couch for him to bound in the door with his endless energy and one track mind and pick it up to start designing our next race car or surfing for the endless amounts of porn that kid looks up on the internet. I've never seen any group of guys as sex crazed as this bunch. Of course all of them but Dom are confirmed bachelors. I guess they all are now. I almost lost my composure at that thought but I held on and headed into the kitchen. Mia's domain.
I can see her at the counter now. Making some of our favourite foods. I can see her with Brian behind her at the counter looking happier then she ever had before, with his arms around her waist. She might complain but she loves to take care of us all. She has more mothering and denning instinct then any one woman deserves to. I think she got my share as well as her own. She takes care of us all, and worries about us. Mia and I are the same age almost to the day, but in so many ways Mia is so much older then I am and in so many other ways I feel ten times older then her. But when we get together it's like we cancel each other out and we both get to be crazy 22 year old girls. I was so looking forward to Mia being my sister by law and not just by a love so strong for each other that we think of each other as sisters. But I guess it'll never happen now. I know Mia and I couldn't be more different but we still love each other like family. Maybe her bloodlines are as Italian as mine are Latin but we were bound together by years of friendship and love and a mutual love of the man in our life. Dom.
We should be family or we should see that possibility in the future. But Dom and his selfishness took that away from us. Why did it take me so long to see just how selfish Dom really is? I mean, he's a good man too, but so selfish in a lot of ways.
No matter how long I stand here and think about it it's not going to change things. Dom will get his way as he often does and we'll have our break. My only question now is what will I do with my life? He threw my life out of order to try to give his some. That's fine for him. He gets to keep the team, the garage, his life. All the things that give his life meaning and routine are still available to him. I on the other hand am now lost. My family is this team. My blood family are not worth thinking of. My abusive dad and junkie mom. They stopped being family the day I moved out of their house and into this house with my real family.
I thought of them again for a moment. My family, my team.
Vince and his almost perpetual need to fight something or someone. His constant but unacknowledged need to be taking care of the weaker people in his life. His total and complete but sometimes undeserved loyalty to Dominic. His total and, I'm proud to say, deserved loyalty and love for me. I love him right back. He's always got my back. And I always have his. Unlike Dominic, who whether he'll admit it or not tends to use Vince to do his dirty work because it's easy to do. His sad but true love of Mia. How I wish Mia could love him back. But she can't. And what so many people don't see is the fact that she wishes she could. But he's been her second older brother for too long. She does love Vince, don't get me wrong. But she loves him the way she loves Dominic and that's never going to change. But Vince will look out for her for the rest of his life. I just hope that Vince doesn't loose track of the fact that he deserves some happiness too. I hope the girl that'll knock Mia off her throne in his life comes along soon. I love Vince. He's my V. What more can I say.
Leon and his need to be the peacemaker. To have us all around him and happy. To keep us safe in his own way. To watch for the cops at race night. To calm Dom down when his temper gets out of control. To watch out for Mia and I on race nights and in life. His need to try and make sure that Vince doesn't sell himself short or get taken advantage of. I think Leon is the only other person but me that sees how easy it is for people to take advantage of Vince if Vince cares about them. Vince is so damn loyal to us that he'll do anything we ask of him, even if it's dangerous. But Leon sees that and tries to stop it, but he does it with his tact and Vince never knows. His need to keep Jesse safe and happy. His unflagging, dogged determination to beat me at a race game, and race game. His beautiful smile and gorgeous green eyes and terminal fear of commitment. The fact that if it were possible he'd marry that fuckin Skyline. Her name is Kimi and woe to anyone who doesn't think she's real. Leon sure does. The name is Japanese and it means literally 'she who is without equal'. And that is how Leon sees his car, so no girl he's ever been with has been able to equal his car in his affections so he's single. Till he finds a girl who can throw Kimi out of his affections on her ear he always will be. But he's so gorgeous that girls fall over themselves for him, and because he can't have sex with his car he gets with them but it never works out. I love Leon too.
Jesse. Jesse is always in a good mood. He's the smartest person on this team and he doesn't even really know it. He thinks he's stupid because he failed in school. As if. Jesse could go anywhere or do anything if he put his mind to it. And there in lies the problem because he has ADD and he can't put his mind to anything for too long before he gets bored then sidetracked. But he's so sweet. And innocent too. I mean, not totally innocent but in a lot of ways he really is. Leon looks out for Jesse a lot. Jesse loves Dom blindly. Too blindly by times. But Jesse lost his father at a young age to the California state penal system and Dom took him in. And Dom became like a father figure to Jesse. Jesse needed one but I'm not sure that Dom was the best choice. But Dom looks out for Jesse as best as he can and Leon fills in the blanks. And Jesse is the best damn mechanic this side of New York. But if Vince is big brother to me then Jesse is my little brother. He's taught me a lot of what I know about tuning imports. Dom's father gave me my mechanical background but Jesse taught me about small engines with big horsepower, NOS and turbos, upgraded piston rings and running large amounts of boost, coil covers and advanced timing and cold air intakes. I love him for it as much as I'm going to miss watching out for him and trying without success to steer him toward nice girls while he goes out of his way to get with skanky ones. Jesse's my boy. I love him. I'll miss looking out for him.
Finally I turn my thoughts to Mia. The sister I never had. The sister that should be mine. The feminine counterpart to my tomboy, tough girl. Between the two of us we were one hell of a woman. She cooked and cleaned. I fixed and raced the cars. We both loved her brother, albeit in different ways. I grin with that thought. Poor Mia. I can't count the number of times she's caught me and Dom looking at each other 'that way' and made her grossed out face. I can't count the number of times she held me close while I'd cried about Dom cheating on me, again. The number of times she held ice on my swollen knuckles when I just had to fight that skank who'd looked at Dom too long or that guy who'd shot his mouth off. Or anyone who pissed me off in any way if Dom and I were fighting. She was always there for me but this time I had a feeling she was going to be there for Dom and I was going to be all on my own. Maybe it was time. I'd had Dom and Vince to help me fight my wars for a long time and I really think I'm ready to fight them on my own for awhile. But it still hurts like hell. I was going to miss her almost most of all. Mia understood me. She's seen all there is to see. Happy, sad, upset, angry, out of my mind, ready to kill, high on adrenaline, drunk. She's seen it all. And she still loves me anyway. I hope I find a girl where ever I end up to be half the friend to me that Mia is. But I doubt it'll happen. It hurts to think of leaving Mia almost most of all. Of never walking into that stupid café and saying "How you livin' girl?" To her while I offer Dom a drink.
Last but certainly never least in my book my thoughts turned to Dom. The only man I ever wanted for my own. I'm not stupid. I've seen the way other guys look at me. I could have any one of them. But I don't want any of them at all. I want Dominic. I had him. But not totally. I always had to share him with the racer chasers. He always tried to tell me that it was all part of his image. That he had to look like a big player so that he wouldn't lose respect around races. But I knew, and Dom never figured it out. They only wanted him for the image same as those other guys only wanted me because I was his girl. Other guys wanted to be the guy that took me from him. And other girls got to be the girl who took him from me. At least long enough for him to screw them. Maybe he hadn't cheated on me in as long as he'd said, but he'd done it enough in the middle three years for a lifetime.
And there is another example of his selfishness. He says he loves me, said he loved me then, but for some reason guys thinking he was a playboy was more important then my pride and my happiness. He knew that other girls thought he was cheating on me even when he wasn't. He always just told me that it didn't matter because he wasn't cheating on me. So he said since I knew the truth that it shouldn't matter what they said.
But when I pointed out that if that was the case then it shouldn't matter what other guys thought of him for being in love with his woman and not wanting the attention of the skanks when he knew he had something better at home he clammed up and said in his mumbling, annoying little boy tone that it 'was different' for him then it was for me. But he could never tell me how.
I shook my head to clear the cobwebs and headed for the front door. I paused for a moment with my hand on the doorknob and turned around to study the house from the inside once more. I wanted to remember how it looked and felt to be a member of this team instead of the outsider I was about to become as soon as I walked out the door with no idea when, if ever I was coming back. No one will ever know the strength it took to keep me moving out the door and out of that house. Out of his sphere.
But I did it. I turned the knob slowly to the right and stepped out onto the porch in the glaring afternoon sun, shutting the door softly behind me. I walked down the three steps that lead to the walkway down to the curb where my car was parked. I hoped the team didn't come home before I got away. I don't know if I would have had the strength to leave if my guys had begged me not to. I'd used up all the strength I had to leave anyway when Dominic had begged.
If Vince turned those big baby blues on me and begged me to stay I might just have to do it. If Leon looked at me with his gorgeous green eyes clouded over with worry about things not being peaceful in his world and asked me to stay I might have to. If Jesse broke down and cried like the little boy he was inside in front of me I wouldn't be able to leave him. If Mia told me she couldn't make it through the pain that Brian leaving her had left in her life without me then I might have to pull her close for a change and stay for her sake. And I knew for my sake I had to go. So no matter how much I hated to hurt my family it was time for me to put Letitia first and leave. At least for a time.
I got up to the side of my car, inserted the key into the lock and then paused again, shooting a look up at the house, at the window that I use to consider mine. If I'm not mistaken I think he was watching me leave. Begging me with his gaze not to. I saw the curtain in his room twitch. But with another burst of strength I didn't know I possessed I opened the car door and flipped the seat forward. Then I tossed my bag in the back and slid in.
Sliding behind the wheel of my car was like coming home. For the first 30 seconds. Then is was a constant reminder of Dom helping me build him. His name was Raidon, who was the Japanese god of thunder. How appropriate for a Japanese 240sx Silvia. He was a thunder god. But Dom was in every fibre of the upholstery, every grain of the dash, every spin of the CD player. Dom and I had christened this car. In the back seat, on the hood, in the front seat. While he was driving with me in his lap.
And those memories were no easier to suppress then those of Me and Dom and Vince and Mia as kids playing. Dom was such a part of my life that I still wasn't clear on how I was going to go on without him. I know I could have if I still had the rest of the team. But losing Dom and the rest of the team in one fell swoop was crushing me. I didn't start the car right away. I sat in it and just let the sorrow crash over me. The adrenaline of the scene with Dominic was wearing off and a bone crushing weight of sorrow was pressing me down. How was I going to live my life without the one person who'd both known I really was as tough as I looked to the word, and knew that while I was that tough I also had a soft side that was just begging for someone to take care of me too?
Then the tears started. I wouldn't let Dom see me cry but that didn't mean I wouldn't cry about what had happened. But now that I was crying I had to go. I had to leave before Dom or any other team member saw me crying. Because while I did occasionally have to cry, I never let anyone but Dom and one time Vince see me do it. It was my secret.
I started up the car with a practised flick of my wrist and engaged first. With one more quick look up at the house I let up on the clutch, gave my car some gas and pealed off our street. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. I allowed myself a few moments of worry for the guys and Mi. Then I decided to turn over a new leaf of only looking out for myself for awhile and I headed the car east.
I drove out of California and into Texas that first day. I cried the whole drive. I hate myself for that. That's too much crying for anyone. Let alone for me. I still had no idea where I was going. It was dark and I felt the need to stop for a rest. I started looking for a motel that didn't look like someone named Bates owned it.
It's hard to find a motel that doesn't look like that in Texas. Or at least it is when you can hardly see because your eyes are so blurry from both fatigue and from crying so much. I finally just picked a motel. I didn't care what it was like anymore if it had a shower and a bed for me to get some sleep. And I figured I should call the team and let them know I was ok. Dead inside but otherwise ok. Not Dom mind you. He deserved to worry about me. But the rest of them didn't. I didn't know what I was going to tell them though. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing so it was going to be hard to tell them.
I signalled for the right hand turn and pulled into the Motel. After getting a room with my fake ID to help lessen the chance of any of the team finding me if they should happen to be out looking I took the key they gave me and walked up a flight of stairs to the second floor and opened the door to room number 213. Great number, I thought to myself as I opened the door.
I walked in and took in the terrible but clean décor. It seemed I had chosen well, even if it was by random. I headed straight to the bathroom. The whole day I'd had had made me feel dirty somehow and I needed a hot shower first and foremost. I closed the blinds, turned up the A/C and started shedding my hot, dirty, sweaty, grimy clothes in a trail up the bathroom and I was naked by the time I reached the door of the bathroom. I turned on the water and waited for it to heat up. I was hotter then hell already but I knew the only thing that was going to make me feel better was a hot shower. Thus the A/C for when I got out and tried to get some rest.
I stepped under the relentlessly hot and strong spray of the shower and turned my face into it. It was good for a minute or too, then it made me think of him again. Of taking showers with him in the morning. Of the way he'd soap my skin, the way he was so gentle with me. The way he'd have me shave his head for him when we got out because he always cut himself but I could do it smoother but all without cutting him at all. And I started to sob again. I'm really starting to hate myself.
I cried myself out again in the shower then got out and dried myself off almost roughly out of my anger at myself over all the crying. Once I was dry I left the bathroom still naked as the day I was born and headed over to the phone.
I stared at that phone for about 10 minutes before I realized it. I only came to because I was getting so cold. I was damp to begin with and the air conditioner I'd turned up before my shower was really efficient.
I picked up the receiver and listened to the dial tone for a further minute trying to screw up my courage to make the call. And that made me mad at myself all over again. I wasn't scared of anything, let alone of calling some of my best friends. So why couldn't I dial the familiar numbers that would connect me with one of my friends.
I knew the root of the fear I was experiencing stemmed from not wanting him to answer. I could handle talking to any of them but him. But I didn't want Mia to worry all night like I knew she would if I didn't tell her I was ok. I slowly started to dial. 1 323 555. It took me a whole minute to impute the whole phone number. But I did it. My hand shook the whole time.
One ring. Then two. I almost hung up but kept it together. Three. Still no answer.
Four. Still nothing.
Five. A sleepy hello. It was only 12am. Why where they asleep?
"Hey V." I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell Vince where I was so he'd come get me and make it all better like he had when I was a kid and some chick had picked on me for being to skinny or too good with cars. But instead all I said was hi V and waited for him to say something back.
"Let. Where the hell are you?" All traces of sleep were gone from his voice now.
"Somewhere else." I answered and I knew it was lame. But I didn't really want him to come for me, much as I did. "He left me V."
"I know." He sighed out and I knew that things in California were not going well either. "Are you ok Let?"
"Yeah." I lied. I think he knew that but there wasn't really much he could do about it if I wouldn't tell him where I was. And I wanted to tell him so bad. But I'd told myself it was time for me to start to fight my own battles and I couldn't do that if Vince came to do it for me.
"Letty. Come home. He'll come around. You know he's been in a funk lately. He just didn't think what he said through." Vince growled in his attempt at crooning to me. I'm the only girl this side of Mia he'll turn that beautiful voice onto in that tone. The tone that makes me think of people talking to scared animals. But if he has that tone of voice it means he cares about people too much so no one can know he has that voice stored away. But I know.
"I think he knew what he was doing V. It seemed pretty well planned out and to be honest I was wishing he'd do something about how thing's had gotten for some time before he did it. I think I need some time for me as much as he needs his space to get over whatever it is he thinks us being apart will help him get over."
"Ok, so both of you needed some space, some time apart. Did you really have to run away from us all Letty? Couldn't you have moved downstairs with Me'n Leon'n Jesse? Or got a place somewhere close by so we could still see you." Vince sighed in frustration.
"I can't see him V. If I'm gonna get over him and get my life back then I needed to be in a place where I wouldn't see him at all. I just can't handle seeing him." This was Vince. I had to convince myself it was ok to tell him the rest. "I.I can't see him when he takes home other girls Vince. I can't see him moving on with his life. It would kill me to see that." I almost broke down again.
"I don't think that's what he has in mind Let." Vince answered. "He's broken. He hasn't come out of his room since we got the story of where you were and what happened out of him. He's just in your room with the lights all off. I think I might have heard him cry."
"Don't Vince."
"Don't what Let?"
"Don't try to make me feel bad for him. One, it was never our room. It was his room and he let me stay there with him because it was easier for him if I was already there when he wanted me then to have to come to my room and get me. Two, he's the one that didn't try. You know how hard all of the rest of us have been working to get back to normal. To put the past behind us. He's the only one who hasn't put the effort in Vince and you know it."
"Yeah, but I don't know that he can put the effort in without you Let. And I don't know how to hold this team together without you either." I could hear the genuine worry in his voice.
"You don't have to hold the team together V. That's his job. It's his team." I sneered, getting mad at Dom again. I was on an emotional rollercoaster and I really wanted off. I was happy one second, sad the next and madder then hell the next. And though it all I wanted Dom. I wanted to hold him, have him hold me. Kiss him on his bald head, his beautiful mouth. Watch him while he kissed me in all the places I liked.
"But if he won't do it Letty then you know it's gonna fall apart around us all."
Yeah, it likely would. But this was where taking care of me first came into play. I wouldn't be there to see it all fall apart because I couldn't be. I couldn't take it. Not only could I not take seeing Dom fall to pieces, I couldn't trust myself to stay strong enough not to fall back into comforting him if he did.
"Much as I love you all V that's not my problem right now. He's been selfish for more years then I can count and I need my turn to be selfish for a while too. I'm sorry that in doing that I have to hurt you and the others too but I don't see a way around that." Vince sighed.
"You're right Letty. You do deserve a chance to be happy. I just wish you could find your happiness somewhere that I could see you."
"Me too Vince. But hey, it's not like I won't take him back. I think I will at least. If he comes around and looks me up when he's done finding himself or whatever he's doing and I haven't moved on by that time then I'll be willing to give him a second chance. Or maybe I'll move on and then I'll be able to come home again. If I can put in into a friend's role in my life then I can come home."
"I just want things to go back the way they were."
"Me too." I said to Vince and it was one of the most heartfelt things I've ever said. "So now that you and I have gotten that out of the way is there any way I can talk to Mia?" I had to try to explain to Mia too. God I miss her. I miss them all already. How am I ever going to do this? If I can't get through one day how can I get through weeks? Or months? Or maybe even years?
"I'll get her." Vince says and I hear his bed springs creak as he gets up. I wonder why he was already in bed. I heard the familiar squeaking of the stairs up from his room in the basement as he walks up them and it breaks my heart a little more. That house is home. I know so much about it. The way the stairs squeak to the basement. The way to jiggle the light switch in the porch to get it to turn on. "Hey Mia. Phone." I hear Vince shout out.
"Hello?" Her waivery voice comes across the line.
"How you liven girl?" I ask her like I have so many times in the past.
"Oh Letty. I'm so glad you're ok." She sobs out at me.
"Of course I'm ok Mia. I'm really upset but otherwise ok."
"When you coming home Letty? We miss you already."
"I know and I miss you all too but I don't know when I'm coming home. I can't come back till he decides he wants me back and I can't come back till I know I'm ready to go." I didn't have a better answer then that for myself, let alone for Mia.
"He misses you so much already Let. The fact that you left is killing him inside. He never expected you to up and leave and now he thinks he drove you away from us, from your family."
"I know that Mia. But you guys must know that I can't stay and watch him live his life. Especially not if that life should ever involve bringing other women home. That there's no way I can move on if I have to see him every day. You must understand that Mia. I mean you must get it almost better then anyone else."
"I understand totally Letty but it doesn't make it any easier."
"No it doesn't. But it makes it make sense." I answered her back. And it did make sense for me to leave. But it making sense didn't make it any easier, Mia was right.
"Where you going?" She asked me next. No doubt so she can send Vince after me. But I don't know where I'm going so I can't really answer her anyway.
"I don't know yet Mia. But I'll call again when I get there ok?"
"You better. Any messages?"
"Tell Jesse to keep on designing my new car because I'll be coming home to have him build it with me some day. Tell Leon that he can't marry his car and he needs to find a real woman for himself. Tell Vince to look out for himself for a change and tell Dom that." Tell Dom what? What did I want her to tell Dom I'd said. I knew I wanted her to tell him something. "Tell Dom that if he ever wants to get us back he has to put in the work this time. He can't just sail out of this one and he has to realize that he can't just have his way all the time, that some things are worth working for, worth fighting for." I paused for a breath.
"I'll tell them all Letty. I love you."
"I love you too Mi. Get some rest. I'm going to and then I'm going to try to figure out where I'm going. I promise I'll call when I get there.
"You better." She answered and hung up. I hung up too and just looked at the phone for a minute before I crawled under the covers and turned out the light with a sigh. I wished for the thousandth time that day that Dom was there to hold my hand and make this better. But he wasn't here, he wasn't going to be there with me for a long time and it was time I accepted that fact and tried to move on.
But it was still with thoughts of Dom and our life that I fell asleep with. It was his name I called out in the night when a bad dream woke me. And it was his name I sobbed out while no one was there to comfort me or dry my tears or hold my hand. As the whole day came crashing back onto me one more time I curled up into a ball in the center of the bed and wished for Vince, Leon, Mia, Jesse, anyone who could make me feel a little less alone.
It's a very scary feeling to leave the center of a team like mine and strike out on your own. I'd never been totally alone before. When it finally hit me that I was totally and utterly alone in the world it broke me again. I cried and cried and cried. I'd thought I was done crying but I guess I was wrong. I finally fell asleep, curled in on myself, hugging a pillow for dear life.