NOTE: While this entire story has been inspired by this song, this interlude was especially influenced by Jill Hennessy's song "Ghost In My Head."

December 1999

If I knew beforehand exactly how this was going to go, if I knew when and where this was going to end, I wouldn't have become so invested in you. Screw intrigue. If I knew that you were going leave me like that, I wouldn't have even tried. I wouldn't have put my heart into this. I wouldn't have given everything to you. I probably wouldn't have even gone to the restaurant that night, to see if you would be there again.

I was foolish. I thought that the whole thing with Grace early on would be the worst thing we would have to go through. I wish I wasn't so willing to think that you would cheat. I know that you're not that kind of person. But it made me realize that I am. I went into our relationship with strings attached. I went into it without knowing that much about you. I went into it without caring about how anyone else felt. And I realized that I shouldn't have expected you to love only me. It's ideal, but nothing in life is ever perfect.

But then I found out that there was no other woman. I found out that you loved only me. And even though I wasn't perfect, this relationship was.

I've been trying to figure out when that stopped.

Maybe it started when I first stepped foot in that office. Even though you were the one to say that I should go to Grace Adler Designs, it was a step into your world, into her world. You were here every day, usually in multiple trips. You came to visit her, and in the beginning, you would come to spend time with me. As much as Grace said that she just wanted you to be happy, I knew that deep down, it pissed her off to have to share your time and attention with me. It was one thing for you to go off with me alone, but now I was in her world. And she wouldn't have any of that going on in her world.

You told me how she felt, as if I was completely oblivious to her during the day. You told me that you didn't care. You told me that she would come around eventually, and until then, you would keep doing what you were going to do. You told me that she wasn't going to be the deciding factor in our relationship. You told me that she wasn't going to come between us. And I believe you.

Just goes to show me that I didn't really know you at all. You're just a ghost in my head.

I remember so clearly the day I learned that you were no longer mine. I didn't hear it from you; I had to hear it from her. She was the one to break my heart, so you wouldn't have to. I guess you were the one to put her up to it; she seemed so nice to me that night in the park. She only wanted you to be happy. She'd do anything for you, even if it meant talking to the other woman in your life and convincing her to stay. Maybe it wasn't fair to Grace. It wasn't fair to thrust me into her life like that. But you told me it would be okay, you told me that she would be fine with it.

Maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did. Maybe you've got the same problem with Grace as I do with you.

Our days at the office are filled with silence. The only time she talks to me, the only time I'm ever willing to talk to her, is when she asks me to do my job. I never really listen to her orders. She once told me that things would have went better if I wasn't in her life so suddenly, if she didn't have to deal with me. So I just sit there, killing time, thinking that I'm getting her back for her comments, her actions. If she doesn't want me in my life, I should act like I'm not there; why do anything for her? I know it makes me look like a bitch, but I was like this when I was devoted to Stan. And it's making me realize why I kept this façade going for so long.

You can hide anything with a snide remark. It's like a homemade invisibility cloak. I get to hide the fragile woman I really am to the point that no one else knows that she still exists. They may not like it, but it works for me.

I'm standing underneath the arch, thinking about the first time you took me here, about all the times after that when we ended up here, even though we promised each other we would try new things. There's something about the park that screams safety, even though many would disagree, with the ones who make this park their home, the fact that it's so dark, you don't know what's lurking there. But they don't know what they're talking about; it's four in the morning, and the lights are still on. I remember walking down Fifth Avenue, and when we got to the corner of West Eighth Street, we could see the arch through the trees. If I stand here now, will you come down to Eighth and Fifth and see me underneath this thing? Will you be able to see past the trees in the dark and find me alone and wanting you?

Will you come back to me?

Grace wins, I guess. I shouldn't have thought that I ever had a chance against her. You knew me for a little over two years. You have fourteen years invested with her. It was a no-brainer. It only took me until now to figure that out. What can I say? I was in love; I let that cloud my judgment. I'm still in love, but I've had enough time away from you to open my eyes to what was going on around us.

I want to know how long it will take until this place becomes just another patch of grass to me again. I want to know how long it will take until this place once again becomes a place that I was forbidden from exploring as a child, a place that I would always wonder about but never actually step foot in. I want to know how long it will take until I can look at downtown Manhattan the way I used to. I want to know when I'll stop thinking of you.

True, I don't want to stop thinking of you. But I haven't seen the Will Truman I knew and loved in months, and mourning the loss isn't helping me. I'd like to think that it wasn't you at all who wanted to end it; I'd like to think that Grace was just jealous that you were spending time with someone else, and she decided to take matters into her own hands. But you've made no attempt to see me. I know you haven't. I've been to all the places you took me to, hoping I would run into you, or you were searching for me just when I was trying to find you. I would skip out on work and move from building to building, coffee shop to coffee shop, bookstore to bookstore. I was even tempted to take the subway to Coney Island, remembering the one day you took me out there to walk along the beach as the sun set. We only went there once, but it was worth a shot.

I never made it out there. Maybe you were there the entire time, and I missed my change.

I don't want to blame you for any of this. And as much as I say I blame Grace, or any other outside influence for that matter, I can't. I knew what I was getting into. I knew what was at stake. I didn't care. I was reckless. It was fun, but I always wondered how long I could keep going like this. Sooner or later, recklessness always leads to someone getting hurt. I just didn't think that would happen with us.

I've had my heart broken so many times in my life. People come and go; I learned that at seven years old when my mother sat me down on the couch and told me that Daddy was dead. It was reiterated when the ones I loved started losing interest in me. But for some reason, that didn't stop me now.

It was my fault, all of this was my fault. I don't deserve to find you in the bookstore or the coffee shop or even Coney Island. I don't deserve you finding me underneath the arch, even if you're on the corner of Eighth and Fifth. I don't deserve Grace coming out here again to tell me how miserable you are without me. I set us up for disaster.

But you loved me anyway.

Maybe you realized where we were headed before I did. Maybe you wanted to stop us before we crashed into reality and couldn't recover. Maybe I should be thanking you instead of wanting to turn back time and hold you in my arms just one more time.

Or maybe I should just realize that true love was never meant for me.