from Bella Swan (bellaswanATemail. com)
to Rose (rhale-cullenAThale&partners. com)
date Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 4:43 PM
subject Morocco and some news
Hi Rose,
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've emailed. Morocco is amazing, so many sights and smells. The people are beautiful and so kind. My senses are in complete overload. I'm actually in a little internet cafe in Casablanca. Yes, Casablanca. A little cliche, I know, but I made Peter stop here because I had to see it. Do you remember how I used to tease Edward with "Play it again, Sam" when we were in Madison? Edward...I sent him a gift and a letter. Yikes. It was probably stupid, but I swear to you, it was something that I had to do. Hopefully he's received it by now. Let me know if he mentions it, okay?
So, the news portion of this email. It's been eight days since we left Santorini, and we've been sailing at a leisurely pace, but since we left Tunisia three days ago things have been a little strained between Felix and I. In fact, I actually put him on a plane today to Athens. It was all my fault, Rose. I just couldn't get past a few things, well, just one thing really. I'm still not over Edward, or the idea of Edward, or...I don't know, who he was when we were good or...maybe who I was when we were good. I'm a mess.
Felix was great. He is great, but...I was rash in getting involved with him. I was lonely, and he was persistent. That sounds like I'm not taking responsibility for myself and I am, but still, it was too easy to let myself get carried away. I can't deny I was attracted to him, but I realized after our time in Tunis that I was using him as a crutch, and I was not doing what I set out to do-- find myself. I was letting myself get wrapped up in another relationship because that's what I've been used to for my entire adult life.
God, Rose, the sex. It was wonderful and awful at the same time. He obviously knew what he was doing, but I couldn't help comparing him to Edward. Each touch, each kiss. My mind went to Edward and how he would touch me-- when he used to touch me that is-- and how his lips felt on my skin. I would find myself getting angry and sad, and I'd end the night a crying mess, and this poor man was just at a loss as to what my problems were. After I sent Edward his gift (it was a bunch of old sheet music for piano I found in a local market in Santorini) all I could do was think about him. About us. How we went wrong. What could have been different had one of us actually demanded we address things. I blamed him for so much of it, but I'm equally to blame. I let my fear of being unworthy rule me and then we were too far gone and nothing could save us. I knew then that Felix sailing with us was not what would be best for me right now. I need to figure out where my head-- and my heart-- are. It was unfair to make Felix be a part of that, so he flew home today. I'll miss him, but it was necessary.
Please don't say anything to Alice about this. I don't know what she knows, but I really don't want her to know that Felix and I were sleeping together. I'm sure she assumes that; she's been a little testy with me the past few weeks in her e-mails, but I want to tell her what's going on after I can process things. I just had to tell you, bestie. I miss you so much, Rose. I need a little of your snark to bitch slap some sense back into me.
Please kiss my beautiful godson for me. Hi to Emmett, as well.
I love you.
Bella.