Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. The content, ideas and intellectual property of this story and the 'American Vampire Series' in its entirety are owned by Just4ALE.

Um, and other than my copies of the book and DVD, I don't own the The Shawshank Redemption either - that belongs to Stephen King and Castle Rock Entertainment.

Chapter 8: Erasing My Memory

EPOV

I drove like a bat out of hell, not having a clue as to where I was going. I needed to get as far away from her siren call as possible, but with each mile that I put behind me, I heard it louder in my head… and in my heart. I also felt it in my blood. The distance made my body ache.

It didn't help that her scent permeated the car. Only a few hours earlier, she'd been laughing in the passenger seat, giggling on my lap. I could still smell her arousal. I could still feel her mouth on me. I was going to go insane. I drove with the windows open, gasping for fresh air, hoping for any other smells that would help to mask hers.

As soon as I could find one that was open, I stopped at a car wash and purchased the deluxe cleaning, desperate to rid myself of the reminder, but I would need a lobotomy to truly cleanse my mind. Her face was burned on my brain, and I saw the ghost of her beautiful chocolate eyes in front of everything that I looked at...

For a very short while, I listened to the radio hoping to drown out the night's events with some soothing music. But every song I heard reminded me of love or loss. And finally, when 'Brown Eyed Girl' dared to mock me with its unholy words, I ripped the fucking thing out of the dashboard and tossed the God damned radio out of the car.

I fought myself the whole way down to New Orleans, which is where I first ended up. You might wonder why, if I felt this way, was I denying myself? She wanted me, and I her.

Because I couldn't trust myself to go back and not kill her. More importantly, because deep down I knew I never should have wanted what I wanted. I shouldn't have wanted this life for her. Good, wonderful beings such as Bella were rare gems… and they were meant to live their one life, make their small impact and then move on to the afterlife. It was the normal course of existence. A vampire was an abomination that defied what should have been. And those two words - Bella and abomination - were such polar opposites, I knew that I needed to do right by her.

As I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was absolutely the correct thing, a few lines from her favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption, swirled around in my brain:

'I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place that you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone… I guess I just miss my friend.'

I'd have given anything to be human again… and to live only one lifetime with Bella, in a world where I'd do her no harm and love her as she deserved. As it was, I had nothing to give her but her freedom. It was wrong of me to try to cage her, to tie her to a vampire's life with me… And I would do my best to live knowing that she was free.

~#~

The first month was torture. I went from day to day, minute to minute, willing myself to stay far away from Chicago. When I arrived in New Orleans, I checked into a hotel in the French Quarter near Bourbon Street looking to be distracted. This area of town was busy day and night and would be a welcome change from the quiet, peaceful home life that I had been establishing with Bella.

Or so I thought.

It ends up that my hotel was on the route for one of the city's Ghost and Vampire tours. New Orleans was filled with real vampires and several of them actually decided to tease tourists by taking them on tours of the famed haunted houses and give them a small bit of 'Nawlins' darker side. Of course, these tours were aimed at perpetuating the stereotypes we'd created to fool humans. So each night I watched dozens of gullible tourists listening to the bullshit stories their human tour guide was telling.

And, each night, I watched a buffoon of a man following the tour. He was dressed in a gray tuxedo with tails and a top hat. His hair was brown, scraggly and hung down to his chest and he had a mustache and a small soul patch. He wore little round sunglasses with blue tinted frames.

I would have thought nothing of him but for the tour that paraded by my hotel the sixth night that I was there. As I sat on the balcony of my room overlooking the street, I watched the tour make its way around the corner per the typical nightly time. Suddenly, I was startled when I saw a slender young woman with brown eyes and long chestnut-colored hair that hung down to her mid-back turn the corner, bringing up the rear of the tour. The young woman looked to be in her mid-20s and was accompanied by her dark haired father. I froze, holding my breath, until I realized that it wasn't Bella and Charlie.

The young woman kept looking back at the tuxedoed man who was following the group. And then, when there was a pause in the tour guide's explanation of my 'haunted' hotel, she made her way to the front to speak to the guide. "Who is that guy following us?" she asked.

The guide looked back and shrugged. "Some nut case. He thinks he's a vampire."

She looked back at the tuxedo-buffoon and said, "He looks like Gary Oldman in Dracula."

"Yeah, I think that's the look he was going for. He likes to follow the tours. I heard the guy legally changed his name to Vlad the Impaler," the guide said, shaking his head.

The woman fell back as the tour continued, letting her fellow tourists go by as she reconnected with her dad who had stayed at the rear. They continued to walk down the street with the group and 'Vlad' followed them. I heard his thoughts as they passed below me.

Ah my brown-eyed, brown-haired beauty. You're the best one of this bunch. I'll go for you first.

Suddenly I was furious. No, the young woman wasn't Bella, but she could have been, and no one should have to deal with an idiot like that.

Looking quickly up and down the street to make sure there were no witnesses, I jumped off the balcony, ghosted to Vlad, grabbed him by his ridiculous tuxedo jacket and ghosted him back into an alley.

"Do you really want to be one of us, Vlad?" I hissed in his ear as I shoved him up against a wall. "I don't think you'll like how it happens."

His eyes were wide as he took me in. I grabbed one of his arms and brought his wrist toward my mouth. "One bite. One bite is all it takes. One small bite and several days of excruciating pain." I stared at him. "Is that what you really want?"

"Jesus, man!" he cried out. "I only do this to get chicks! Chicks LOVE vampires."

Chicks love vampires. What the fuck?

I released his arm, straightened up and began to walk away from him. But then I ghosted back, put my hand to his throat and pinned him against the wall again.

"You cut this shit out," I muttered, "or you'll see how much this vampire LOVES you." I released him and he collapsed to the ground. I could hear him resolving to change his modus operandi to something more tame to hit on women… like 'lost foreign exchange' student. Asshole.

I made my way out of the alley and looked down the street as the tour turned the corner. My Bella look-alike was looking down at her feet as she walked, and then she and her dad disappeared from view.

It was a mistake to go to New Orleans. Very few New Orleans vampires lived the civilized life and watching them stalk humans night after night disgusted me. And seeing the young woman being targeted by the fake vampire only reminded me of my own inexcusable behavior when I began stalking a similar young woman a year and a half ago. I left that night to move on to Savannah, Georgia.

Which was no better. Because walking around Savannah, a town that very much embodied the beauty and style of the old South, I became aware of couples strolling arm in arm everywhere. Fucking couples. Is this some sort of honeymoon destination? Jesus!

I stayed only two nights in Savannah, using the time to figure out where to go next. I longed to be with my family, but I couldn't face them just yet. I craved familiarity and yet I wanted to avoid places that reminded me of her. Finding no previous reminders in Ireland, I decided to visit some of our friends there. I drove back to Atlanta, hopped a plane, and made my way to Shannon, Ireland to visit our friends Siobhan, Liam and Maggie.

It was nice spending time with them, albeit difficult. Siobhan and Liam were a bonded pair and I struggled to avoid feeling empty watching them together. And little Maggie was ultra perceptive due to her own special talent of knowing when someone lied to her. So I heard her thoughts when we discussed how my family was and how I was doing, but she never said anything until several days had passed.

One night as I stepped outside for a long walk to give Siobhan and Liam some privacy – and frankly to avoid hearing any more passionate cries in the night, human or vampire – I became aware of small footsteps behind me. Then I heard her. Edward, don't be so sad.

I sighed. "I would love to tell you that I'm fine, but I know that I can't lie to you Maggie. However, I'm not in a good place to speak about it."

I heard her thoughts again and realized that she knew. "I heard from Alice a little while ago. I emailed her yesterday telling her that you had arrived here. She told me about your Bella."

"I don't have a Bella anymore, Maggie," I choked.

"By your choice, as I understand it," she said softly. I didn't look at her. "Here is what I know," she said. "The truth is that you're hurting, despite what you tell us. I don't need my gift to be able to see that: we can all see it. You're running to forget her, but you're horribly guilty for what you've done to Bella… and to yourself."

I flinched every time she said Bella's name. I looked at her in my peripheral vision as she finished her thought.

"The only way you'll get past this is to see her one more time and let both of you begin to heal. I truly believe that." She touched my shoulder as she made her way back to the house.

I left a day later for my next destination, once again not quite sure where I would go. As I drove to the Shannon airport, I thought of Siobhan's final words to me.

"Edward, I read Alice's email and I know what you and Maggie discussed. I know you're struggling with this. My 'gift' isn't even close to what Carlisle believes of me… but if I have even one fraction of that skill, know this: I am thinking positively for a good outcome for you and Bella, together, as your family believes you should be... and as you truly wish for in your heart."

~#~

Making my way from Shannon to Dublin, I looked at the flight departure list in search of a destination. Nowhere would bring relief. Japan reminded me of her Karate classes. China and India would remind me of her favorite foods. I wanted out of Western Europe because it was too close to Paris. No Spanish speaking countries, which knocked out Latin America and most of South America – Bella spoke some Spanish. I had to avoid New Zealand and Australia because of her collection of Lord of The Rings and Baz Luhrmann movies, respectively. Finally, I settled on St. Petersburg because I couldn't find a connection to her there.

Once settled in a hotel, I finally decided to make the call I'd been avoiding. I hooked up my internet connection, powered up the laptop and dialed Carlisle's Batphone.

Rosalie's face appeared first. Shit. "Esme," she said looking offscreen, "I'm warning you now, my language isn't going to be pretty." Then she turned back to me. "You asshole! What did you do? How could you?"

I was torn between wanting to really let loose on Rose and letting her rake me over the coals. I deserved the coals. I stayed silent.

"Seriously, Edward, how could you up and leave her in the middle of the night? She was pregnant with your child not a month before! You shit!"

"Rosalie, are Carlisle and Alice there?" I asked politely.

"Don't try to avoid the fucking question!" she snarled. Emmett then stepped into view, putting a hand on Rosalie's shoulder.

"Babe, calm down. You're not going to be able to virtually kick his ass in any way that is satisfying so just let it go." She huffed and crossed her arms, looking away. Emmett looked at me.

"Dude, we're trying to understand… why?"

"Didn't Alice tell you?" I asked.

"Alice saw it as it was happening…"

"Yes, thankfully, Carlisle's called and stopped me," I said, grimacing.

Emmett shrugged and shook his head, trying to understand. "So why did you run? The poor kid didn't know what had happened."

"The same reason I didn't turn her after James. I had nothing to stop me. There was no safe haven. I was on my way to draining her completely."

"Shit," Emmett breathed.

Rosalie looked back at me one more time. "You owed her an explanation Edward. You could have called to tell her afterward, once you were a safe distance away."

Carlisle's voice came from offscreen. "Rosalie, Emmett, let me talk with him." They stepped away and Carlisle sat down.

"Son, how are you?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

I took a big breath and exhaled. It physically hurt to do that; my lungs felt so tight, although I didn't need the air. "I've been better."

"I understand you've been on the move. Are you finding what you're looking for?"

"I'm not looking for anything, Carlisle. I'm running as far from her as I can."

"Son, the bond you feel…"

I took another big breath and held it this time. The bond I felt. Yes. I could still feel it thousands of miles away. Even this far, her pull was magnetic.

"I have to bear through the pain," I said looking down. "I can't call her, Carlisle. I'd only go back and end up hurting her again. It is what is best for her." Then I dared to ask the question I had no right asking. "Did she call?"

"Just once," he said quietly, "when she awoke in the middle of the night to find you missing. It was a brief conversation. Alice spoke with her." He paused. "Edward, what will you do next?"

I looked back up at him. "I don't know. I'm taking it day by day for now. You'll have to forgive me if I don't stay in touch. I… I think I just need to get lost for a while."

Carlisle's eyes were gentle. He nodded. "We're here for you, son. Call when you need us."

"Thank you. That is more than I deserve," I said. "That's an understatement, you rat bastard!" Rosalie's angry voice came from off camera. "Rosalie! That's enough," Esme hissed.

I closed my eyes. "May I speak with Alice?"

"Hi Edward," she said softly. I opened my eyes and Alice's face appeared on screen. Carlisle had stepped away.

"Alice, please, I beg of you. Don't go looking for her future. Leave her be."

"Edward, I don't think that is the best thing…"

I cut her off. "Bella deserves a normal human life. Hanging around the Cullen family isn't normal. We should all leave her alone."

"But Edward, she's my friend! I love her! We all do!" Alice cried. "And so do you," she whispered.

I looked down at my hands in my lap and nodded. "And because of that love, I have to let her go." I looked back up at the screen again. "Please. Promise me Alice."

She looked at me sadly. "Okay," she whispered, "I won't go looking for her future." She looked off to the side and spoke again. "You're going to be on the move for a while. Do yourself a favor. Use your laptop as little as possible."

My brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

She turned to face me again. "Just trust me Edward, for your own good. Use it only when you need to make reservations through the internet or to call us when you need us. We love you. Be well." I saw her reach off camera and then the screen went dark.

I went to the bed to lie down and meditate. I soon found myself crumpled in a small ball in the middle of the bed, wishing I could erase my memory the way one erases a hard drive. I needed a delete button.

And each day that passed got worse rather than better. Here, in this far section of the world, I tried desperately to forget her, which was very hard to do... because I had a laptop full of pictures of her.

Like a traffic accident that you can't stop yourself from staring at, I tried not to look and I managed to hold off for about a week after the call with my family. However, the photos - like the rest of her - called to me. I thought back to Maggie's words about seeing each other again once more and then convinced myself that by allowing myself to view the pictures, I could look, erase them and begin to heal. And that somewhere, on the other side of the world, Bella would do the same.

I opened one of the more recent files that I had. It was a series of photos that I had taken of her with the new camera her mother had sent her in advance of her graduation so that she could take pictures of her friends. I braced myself for the images that I was about to see as I pulled up the photo album. I put them on slideshow mode so that it looked like I was watching a living, breathing Bella, not a series of stills; I remembered everything that happened, every word spoken, every thought I had at the time.

These were taken during the last week of school. She sat on her papasan chair in her apartment studying for her final exams while I sat on the bed nearby:

Photo 1: Looking down at her notes, her capped highlighter poised on her bottom lip. She had been tapping it against her lip as per her usual habit. Jesus, Bella, I wish I were that pen.

Photo 2: A little smirk on her face, her head still down but her eyes peeking up at me. "I heard that Edward. I'm trying to study. Don't distract me."

Photo 3: Pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Me? Distracting you?

Photo 4. Looking at me, her hands on her notes, her mouth open forming the word 'Hey.' "Hey, stop taking my picture!"

Photo 5. Her face in a state of shock. Her jaw had dropped open and her eyes were wide in reaction to the poem I'd just started making up to really distract her. Bella gets an A in class, I will FU-

Photo 6. Her brow furrowed, her mouth forming the word 'Oh,' the index finger of her right hand up pointing at me. Her energy level had bumped up two notches on the surprise alone. "Oh no, Mister," she said, cutting me off. "Unless you're about to finish with 'I will FEED you largemouth bass,' NOTHING rhymes with class as far as your poems go! Not ready for that. Try me again in 20 years." Excellent.

Photo 7: Her eyes closed, a small smile on her face, her cheeks pink. "Edward, I can't believe that you're excited about waiting 20 years for THAT, you horn-dog."

Photo 8: A closer photo, her hand palm up outstretched in front of her, trying to block her face from the camera as I started walking toward her. Her energy level had escalated even higher due to my thoughts and her annoyance. "Seriously, stop taking my picture!"

Photo 9: An even closer photo. Her face looking downward, the fingers of her right hand combed through her hair holding her bangs off of her face, her head leaning on this hand as the right elbow was propped up on her right leg. Okay, I give up.

Photo 10: A close up on just her face. My fingers touching her chin as I raised her face to look up at me, her beautiful brown eyes shining and her mouth smiling widely. She was like a radiant sun, my own personal glowing star; she lit up the darkness that had been my life. I love you, Edward.

The slideshow ended on this last photo and her face was still smiling at me on the screen. I selected all photos and right clicked on them, the mouse arrow poised over Delete.

And then somehow my traitorous hand listened to the whispers from my frozen heart... and the two betrayed my mind as my hand instead moved the mouse arrow over the Replay Slideshow button and clicked it to show the photos again.

And again...

And again.

A/N: Sigh, another sad chapter. But Edward wanted you to know his perspective... his masochistic, asinine perspective. Yeesh, that boy can torture himself.

Don't despair. We're at the end of the downs... The action will pick up from here. Life goes on...

If you're still out there, thanks for reading so far. Please leave a review!

Post A/N: FYI, that Vlad guy did follow my tour in New Orleans but he was no Gary Oldman/Dracula. Not by a long shot. LOL.