17

"So. Leaving. How's that gonna work?"

The abrupt shift in conversation took Tony by surprise, but he was more than willing to go with it. Give praise for small mercies. He'd thought that once the other man had his teeth into that train of thought, he wouldn't let go for anything. And there was no way that would end well.

Mind you, it wasn't like he was any too comfortable with the new direction, either. Ever since Gibbs had torn through the office that afternoon and left him with a mountain of curiosity and unwanted opinion to handle, he'd heard about nothing else. What more could possibly be said that he hadn't already had thrown at him?

Come to that, it wasn't like this conversation had gone resoundingly well on their last attempt, was it?

And what kind of a question was that, anyway? A stupid one, that's what kind. And this wasn't a man who asked stupid questions, meaning that buried somewhere inside was a hidden point.

Unfortunately, he had no idea what that point was, which meant the best he could do was try to avoid giving a stupid answer.

"Ah… Not sure I follow, boss."

"Easy enough. Boston calls, you answer. Then what?"

The look that Gibbs was giving him had him distinctly worried. But for an unnerving lack of aggression, it was familiar from three years of observing interrogations – sharp and curious and leading and knowing all at once. It said 'Don't bother. I already know.'

He didn't want to be on the receiving end of that look. It very rarely ended up on the wrong side of an argument. Which wasn't a good place to start from when he still couldn't see where this was headed.

No doubt he'd find out when it came round and bit him on the ass. "I move on and start over."

A flash of something unidentified lit through blue eyes, and he had the idea that he'd given something away, without any clue as to what. He'd just have to hope that it wasn't anything important.

"That simple? You just- what? Change your whole life like you'd change a shirt?"

He found himself torn between irritation at the sheer assumption in that question - and a sinking, yawning horror that despite as far as he was aware not having said anything about anything, still Gibbs could manage to cut straight to the heart of the matter in just a few words. Now that was something to regret about leaving. He'd really like to learn how to do that.

He dragged himself out of his musings, noticed the other man was waiting for an answer, still with that same look, and thought he'd better do something about it. "I guess so."

"You guess wrong. Leaving aside the fact that you've no need to start over, because you're doing a perfectly good job here, it's not going to be that simple."

Of course not. Could have worked that one out on his own. When had life ever been that helpful?

Still, if he was looking for a positive, it sounded like he wasn't going to be made to work to find out what he was missing.

Scratch that. On second thoughts, it just discomfited him more. It really wasn't like his boss to pass up the opportunity to provide a lesson for the lesser beings in his charge.

And a random thought was suddenly a reminder of everything that had slipped away, and it hit him full in the chest once again. There would be no more guidance. He wasn't in that circle any more. Somewhere along the line that wrong deep inside him had reared its head again, and now Gibbs knew there was no point trying to teach him anything.

He forcibly put the thought aside. "It won't?"

"No. Shall I tell you what will happen?"

"That's not a question, is it?"

There was an almost smile from Gibbs. "Right." He paused, and Tony tried not to flinch as that assessing gaze raked over him once more. It took just a moment, then he carried on. "You accept the job, and set your leaving date. Next thing you know, Abby and Kate have decided that because you're a guy, you can't be trusted to find your own place, so they find it for you, letting you come along for the ride."

He'd been ready for scathing, and sarcastic. For more of the angry and the impatient. Another confrontation where his boss would bite and bark, harangue and harass, and he'd find himself back in that defensive, bitter, desperate mindset that he hated so much, but couldn't seem to shake.

Instead he got this…

this…

…well, he wasn't sure he had a frame of reference for whatever this was. Sure as hell wasn't prepared for it.

He opened his mouth to respond, to try and get back in control of what was going on, but one look nailed his mouth shut. "Wait till I'm through."

He nodded, aware that it wasn't a request. But he had the definite feeling he'd be regretting it.

"Comes to your last day, and there will be a goodbye meal. McGee will get far too drunk, thanks to you and Abs. Abby will cry, and Kate will pretend she isn't, and you will feel like a bastard. As, incidentally, will the rest of us, even though we aren't the ones leaving."

There was no emotion in the delivery – just a slow, measured, relentless string of words that twisted and weaved and built and built around him. Utterly hypnotic. He couldn't predict them, or dodge them, which meant he had to listen to them. See them. Feel them.

Just how bad a person was he to have a part of him that could hope that these people he'd come to care about might… well… not like it when he left? That he could make them feel?

How much of a fool, to want to listen and to believe when he already knew the end of this story?

But Gibbs was speaking again, and expecting him to listen, and he really didn't have any other choices.

"And when you move, I'll be driving, and the girls will be giving the orders. Ducky will have brought groceries, knowing you won't have, and there'll be far too many chocolate biscuits. McGee will forget that he's half way to scared of you long enough to set up your computer, and make sure that not only are all communications working, but that you have no way of claiming you don't know how to use them."

He could feel the tightness in his chest, and in his throat, and decided he'd been so, so wrong. He didn't want to know. Couldn't listen to another word. Didn't need to hear this. To feel it. He wanted the anger back.

He swallowed hard, and shifted on the couch, and dropped his eyes.

"Tony."

Just one word. Just his name, and he knew what it meant.

Have I ever lied to you?

Well I'm not starting now.

Why was Gibbs doing this? Why couldn't he just drop it? Leave him alone to try and put the pieces back together?

"I'm not done."

I know that. I know. I know, but I can't. I can't…

"Look at me."

Light and quiet - but still an order, and he couldn't not obey, however much he wished otherwise. This might be the last chance he got. He didn't want to let the other man down again.

He swallowed hard against the emotions for a second time, and lifted his eyes back up. They met a pair of blue ones that were unusually gentle.

That in itself was almost enough to send him running for cover.

"Thank you." Gibbs paused, and waited, and Tony made sure to keep up the eye contact. He could see when the other man was satisfied that he'd got the message, with a slight nod and a softening of the expression. He steadied himself as best he could, and waited for the monologue to start again.

"So you leave. Abs'll be pestering you on a daily basis, starting approximately half an hour after we head back to DC. She will, at least twice a week, pretend that she hit the wrong number, and then talk for forty minutes. Ducky will visit on the very first weekend, concerned you're short of food and telling you he needed the break in any case. Kate will leave it longer, appearing out of the blue after three weeks with McGee in tow, who won't look you in the eye until his second beer is more than half empty, and then will tell you how Kate really wanted to come sooner but figured you'd tease her forever if she did, and wasn't going to give you the satisfaction."

No. No. No, this was a clean break. This wasn't how it worked. They wouldn't. They'd be glad to see the back of him. They had to be. They couldn't follow him. He wasn't worth it.

"Meantime, if I get a case that giving me trouble, I'll be on the phone, getting your input on what we're missing."

My input?

"And if I hear that tone in your voice that says you don't know why I'm asking you when I have my own team to draw on, you can be damn sure that I will be showing up on your doorstep to show you your thinking has gone awry. And while I'm there, I'll head back in to see your new boss again to make sure he doesn't forget me. Because I'll have met him before you ever moved, and I'll have made damn certain that he knows I don't care what it says in your file about Francesco DiNozzo being your emergency contact; if anything happens, then if I'm not the first phone call he makes, he'd damn well better be prepared to explain why to me in person."

Finally, finally, he stopped. Quiet began to seep back in to the apartment as Gibbs leaned back on the couch, still not dropping eye contact, and waited. Belatedly, Tony realised that for what felt like the first time in three weeks, everything was off. He wasn't thinking. He'd gone right through feeling and out the other side.

He was drained, and exhausted, and stunned.

And Gibbs was there, just there, being, and solid, and confounding everything he knew he knew, and he had to say something. He had absolutely no idea what.

"I… I don't…"

The small half smile was back. Gibbs looked extremely pleased with himself, and that finally managed to work something loose.

"You can't usurp a next of kin. Can you?"

He wasn't going to pretend it was the finest response he could have had. But it had words, in the right order, and they were relevant. Mostly. It would do for now.

Surprisingly, his comment punctured the other man's smile, and he watched in fascination as the expression was fleetingly taken over by a black, angry look.

"The next time you wake up in a hospital bed with a hole where there isn't supposed to be one, it will not be to a secretary signed fax telling you not to expect any help with the medical fees."

He'd seen that? How had he…? When had he…? "You saw that?"

"Only after you did, unfortunately. That idiot in charge in Baltimore kept a copy for your file. Legal documentation, he said."

"It's on file?" He hoped he didn't look as horrified as he felt. He was pretty sure he sounded it.

"Not any more, and only for a few hours. I burnt it, and tore him a new one."

Thank God for that. "Good."

"It was."

He'd just bet it was. Gibbs hadn't liked anyone who was anyone in Baltimore PD from the moment he set foot there. Still… "He is my next of kin."

"I know."

That smile was back, playing around the corners of his mouth, and his curiosity went on high alert. "What did you do?"

A raised eyebrow, and the smile got wider. "Nothing."

"Boss!"

"Nothing wrong with your instincts, are there?"

"Tell me!"

"Added a note to your file. He's still down as contact. Just says I have to be the one to contact him."

Oh God. "Can you do that?"

"I can when you never pay any attention to any of your personnel memos."

"But…"

"Did it, DiNozzo. And I'm not sorry. Get over it."

Completely at a loss, he sat and gaped, as Gibbs studied him unashamedly. Slowly, easily, the atmosphere changed, the shock and the distraction fading away and leaving him feeling raw and exposed. After a moment, he shrank back into himself, unable to keep contact when it felt like everything that made him him, all the bad and the wrong and the weakness, was open and on show.

Needless to say, the reprieve wasn't allowed to last very long.

"Tony?"

It took some effort, but he raised his head again, and came face to face with a look that was gentle, and compassionate and pulled at every scar he had.

"No. No, I… Don't. You can't. Please…"

"It's true, Tony. Every word. And if you don't believe me, then I'll keep going until you do."

He would. He would. "Please. Don't. Don't."

Another pause, and the response came through, soft and uncompromising. "You got a real problem with people valuing you, don't you?"

There was no answer for that. Not in any words he'd ever learnt. But he didn't need them, because Gibbs hadn't finished.

"You can't carry on like this. Like I said, I'm not gonna let anybody do this to you, and that includes you, DiNozzo. You deserve better. Talk to me."