Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. The content, ideas and intellectual property of this story and the 'American Vampire Series' in its entirety are owned by Just4ALE.

Chapter 12: Roam If You Want To

EPOV

After two weeks in St. Petersburg, I felt that I should do something other than lie in a ball in the corner of the room. I'd love to tell you that I quickly became a productive, useful member of society… but you should know me by now. Bella had made me whole and now I was in pieces, despite my outward appearance to the world. I was a fucking mess. I craved familiarity but still needed distance and separation from anything that would remind me of her.

So I went to Egypt. In the past, I used to love to go to Egypt just to immerse myself in its rich culture and long history, but I found no joy in being there as I once did.

While there, I sought out another of our family acquaintances, the Egyptian coven: Amun and his partner Kebi, and Amun's protégé – for lack of a better term – Benjamin and his partner Tia. Benjamin had a fascinating gift more powerful than mine. I could manipulate energy: Benjamin could manipulate the elements. While he and I spent time discussing the usefulness of this gift and how/whether this could be used to help ease global warming, Amun's thoughts centered more on how this power could be used for other purposes. Luckily, young Benjamin was strong and I could tell that he would not allow himself to be manipulated. I found myself really comforted by the thought that good still existed in this world in many forms.

And he motivated me to get back out there and try to do something useful with my time. I signed up for a Habitat for Humanity project there in Egypt and threw myself into the work. I was able to outlast any of my co-workers, obviously, and put in long hours to complete the construction projects. From there, I moved on to other such projects in Zambia, Botswana and South Africa. Each project lasted a week at a time and so I was able to fill up the next two months easily.

Well, I only filled up the days. The nights were still empty and so lonely. I tried to stay away from the photos and was thankful for the times when I had no access to electricity and my computer battery died. It gave me a reprieve from torturing myself. Every time I went to delete the photos, I vowed that I'd only look at them once more and then delete the next time. 3,857 views later, I still hadn't gotten rid of them.

I didn't call my family during that time period. Even they reminded me of her. They wanted me to be with her. They'd never seen me so happy… and the truth was that I never had been as happy before and wasn't sure if I could be again. That realization hurt. My body and soul craved her… craved the emotional connection that I had allowed myself to have with her. It craved the physical contact of having her near me, on top of me, below me. And it craved her blood. That hadn't gone away.

So I forced myself to stay in isolation during those two months, but I felt like I needed a drastic change. I began to wonder if I could go back to my old ways and allow myself physical contact with someone, knowing that it would never compare to the complete relationship I had had with her. Could I do it? Could I live the life I once knew?

And so I found myself in San Francisco. I needed to know.

As I stood outside one of the Victorian 'Painted Ladies' houses on Steiner Street, I hesitated briefly. Could I? Should I? I took a breath and strengthened my resolve, then I knocked on the door.

Irina answered. Would you look at what the cat dragged in. She shook her head. "Edward."

I nodded. "Hello, Irina." She gestured me inside.

You sure did a number on Tanya up in Denali last year. Are you here to screw her up some more?

I didn't understand the statement. Screw her up some more? What did I do? "Excuse me?"

She changed the subject. "Haven't heard from James in a while," she said, closing the door after me. "Would you know anything about that?" I stayed silent.

Tanya walked into the living room. Her eyes were wide… and puzzled. "Hello Edward." She looked around. "Where's Bella?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about her, Tanya."

She stood like a statue, looking me over. I could hear her thoughts and was surprised by the tenor of them. Doesn't want to talk about her and is standing here in my living room. Huh. Not sure this is a good thing.

She wavered for a moment and then made up her mind, taking me by the hand and leading me to her bedroom. She closed the door and moved me to sit on her bed. I moved back, sitting up against the headboard. I looked at her as she sat down next to me.

Why are you here Edward?

"I don't know."

"Where is Bella? Did something happen to her?"

"I left her," I said.

Her eyes were wide. "When? Why?"

I looked down at my hands in my lap. "Almost three months ago. I wasn't good for her. She deserves better..."

She was quiet. I heard her next question coming. "I know that James was interested in her. He didn't…"

I winced. "He tried."

"I hope that you put him down." I looked at her, surprised. "Bella is tough, but neither you nor she would make it through that. You know that I enjoyed James's company… but him with her… it would be unforgivable."

While I had always known there was a soft side to Tanya, her charitable feelings toward the woman who had thwarted her efforts touched me. I reached for her hand and squeezed it.

She looked at her hand in mine. Did you come here for sex, Edward? To escape through physical contact?

"Yes," I admitted. But suddenly I felt off balance. I shook my head. "No." I took a deep breath and exhaled. "Maybe. I'm not sure. I'm just here." I let go of her hand and ran my fingers through my hair. "I've been wandering around for the past three months. I haven't been able to return to Denali. I don't know where I'm headed next. Somehow, I started roaming again and I ended up here."

Tanya was silent and then she moved to straddle my lap. I looked at her, pushing some wisps of hair from her face. Then I removed the clip from her hair, spilling her long strawberry blond hair down over her shoulders. I touched her lips with my fingers. And I looked into her blue eyes… her blue eyes that were not the soft chocolate browns that I'd gazed into for the past year. These were not the eyes that used to look at me with love and understanding. I looked down.

She nodded. "Yes, that is what I thought," she said softly. She cupped my face. "Edward, at one time there was nothing I would have liked better than to have you back in this bed with me. You're hurting so much and I have to admit that I've missed you." She removed her hands from my face and pulled away a little. "But you told me a year ago that your heart was Bella's and that you had nothing to give to me. I can see it in your eyes… you still have nothing to give to me. I won't take nothing. I deserve better than that. And so do you..."

"...And so does Bella," she finished. My eyes met hers.

Tanya took a deep breath and looked away, gazing out one of the windows to the right of her bed. "I don't know what happened to make you leave her, but I can't help but feel that it is wrong. I saw you with her. I know the bond. You've made me wish that I could find that bond someday… can you believe that?"

Then she looked back at me, got up off of my lap and stood at the edge of the bed. Reaching for my hand, she smiled. "Let's get out of this room before you do something that you shouldn't. We'll go for a walk. Talk to me."

We walked for a long time in silence, heading out from Alamo Square through Pacific Heights and the Marina down to Fort Mason. And when I could speak, I told her about Paris, about James, about our engagement, about the baby. And about the bite. She was silent through most of it, asking questions on occasion but mainly letting me vent my feelings to someone who hadn't been intricately involved in the situation.

We continued walking past the Wharf and made our way along the Embarcadero, near the financial district. I had my hands in my pockets and Tanya put her arm through mine. "You look awful, Edward. You're a shell of what you were."

"Thanks. Glad to know that I look as good as I feel."

"You know what I mean. This is tearing you up. When I knew you… before Bella… you never let anything get to you. You just took action and moved on. Now, you look like you're barely holding it together. Like even walking is a burden."

"Now you know why I've been hiding out for all of these months," I said.

"I think it is pointless. If you were going to turn her, there must be some way to have that still happen without hurting her. You just need a safe haven…"

"If she'd even have me at this point…"

Is that Edward? I recognized the voice I'd only heard for a brief hour or two over six months ago. I looked up. Bella's friend Angela was standing on the sidewalk, stopped mid-stride. Her eyes were wide as she looked at me and at Tanya's arm though mine, and at Tanya's general sexy appearance altogether.

She pressed her lips together, shook her head and put her eyes down, starting to walk past me.

If you can hear me, I hope that you know that you are the BIGGEST scumbag ever. If I had a machete, I'd slice your head off right here, right now on this sidewalk.

I was shocked at the difference in this Angela and the one I met with Bella at the pub last November. That Angela's thoughts were straightforward, yes, but generally kind. I stopped and reached out to her. "Angela, it's not what…"

She recoiled as if she'd been touched by acid. "Edward, don't you dare touch me." She looked back at Tanya… up and down. "Let me guess. Tanya, right?"

I closed my eyes. I could see the image in Angela's head of Bella sitting on a bench by the lake in Chicago. Bella looked ragged and thinner. Her eyes had dark circles beneath them.

"Hey, do me a favor, okay? If you see him in San Francisco, don't tell me."

"Why would I see him?" Angela asked.

"He knows someone there. A woman from his past: Tanya. If you see him, I don't want to know," Bella said.

Edward, who is this? Tanya thought.

I exhaled. "Tanya, this is Angela Weber… one of Bella's best friends."

Tanya grimaced and stepped away from me. "Edward, I'll let the two of you be alone. I'll be at the house." Come back if you still need to talk, but you know my opinion. She nodded at Angela and walked toward Market Street.

Angela glared after her and shook her head. Then she looked back at me. She threw up her arms. "What, Edward? What?"

I tried to explain. "It wasn't what it looked like. I'm not with Tanya. I just came here to… find a friendly face."

"Who gives a shit?!" she said angrily. "You know what's funny? As I sat with her in Chicago and she was partially catatonic those first few days, I thought of all the things I would say to you if I ever saw you again. As I packed her up to get her the hell out of your house, I vowed I'd give it to you if I saw you. But now, none of the things I wanted to say matter. Nothing compares. There is nothing I can say that can EVER begin to make amends for the shell that you left behind."

I shook my head. "No, Bella is strong. I knew that it would hurt her but she'd deal with it in her logical, smart way. She has to know that I only did what was best…"

She cut me off. "Bella IS strong… you're right. But why put her in any situation where you're making her retreat back into herself? Why would you ask that of her? Didn't you like the person she'd become? Didn't you love HER as she was?"

"Of course I loved her. I love her still," I said quietly.

She shook her head and looked off across the street. "You don't know the amount she cried over the years about Jacob when we were at BCG together. She didn't shed a tear here. Not one. And she loved you more. She's gone dead inside. You make Jacob Black look like Prince Charming," she said bitterly.

"And then the timing of it all! Who does that, Edward? Who? Who leaves their fiancée so soon after she miscarries? Is this part of the 'code' that you neglected to explain to her? OR, did you want a kid so badly that you couldn't stand to look at her anymore?"

I was surprised at Angela's perspective. "Angela, I didn't leave her for that reason. Didn't she tell you?"

"She doesn't know why you left! Your note didn't exactly shed light on the situation!"

All of a sudden, it hit me. Bella didn't remember anything. She didn't know. Well, good. Maybe she'd hate me for it and move on. It was what was necessary for her.

"I almost killed her, Angela," I said in a low voice. "That's why I left."

She looked around and pursed her lips. She took in the fact that we were on a busy street in broad daylight with strangers around. And then she stared at me.

Correct me if I'm wrong but, technically, you're not 'alive'… your heart doesn't beat, right?

I stood immobile, my eyes glaring into hers. She took that as a yes.

And if I understand from what I could get from her, you were going to turn her… in which case, she wouldn't be 'alive' either. Correct?

I nodded.

She threw her hands up in the air. "So what am I missing?" You were going to take her human life anyway. "So what I see is another chickenshit man who ran when things got too tough. When she needed you the most!"

I stepped in close to her in a move that might have been a little faster than it should have been. Her eyes went wide as I spoke standing less than a foot away from her.

"Nobody is more important to me than Bella," I hissed. "I could have killed her that night. Not turned her: KILLED her. I removed the danger from her life. I made a choice to save her…" And then I turned away to go.

"No Edward, you're killing her anyway." I stopped and looked at her. She did a thumbs up sign at me. "Good going," she said sarcastically. And then she spun and started to walk away. But her parting thoughts shocked me.

Asshole. She still has your damn mark on her and now she looks abandoned. Thank God Alice still cared enough about her to keep her safe when she was in Italy.

I gasped, "What?!"

Angela stopped and slowly turned back to look at me. A smug smile came on her face. "They didn't bother to tell you? Good. Now I like them more than I did before."

I stepped forward, reaching for her arm but she recoiled again. "Angela, what happened to her? Is she okay?"

Screw you, Edward. You don't deserve to know. Then she stormed off.

~#~

I was on the phone immediately.

"Hi, Edward," Alice answered. She had me on speakerphone.

"Alice!" I snarled. "Did you look for Bella? What the hell did you do?"

Jasper growled. "Edward, I've told you before don't you take that tone with her!"

"I said to stay away from her," I hissed.

"We've stopped listening to fools, you ass," Emmett's voice came. Great, they're all in on it.

Alice spoke. "It's not like I can turn this off, Edward. I love her too. We all do. And when the vision appeared, there was no way we weren't going to help her. You'd die if anything happened to her, despite how you're acting right now."

"When did this happen?"

"About two weeks after we spoke with you... so two months ago," she answered.

"And no one bothered to tell me?!" I shouted. "I had to find out from her friend Angela!"

"So what? You've decided to stay out of her life," Rosalie snipped. "We don't owe you an explanation."

"Everyone, stay calm," Carlisle said. There was a pause before he spoke again. "Edward, come home. We can talk more rationally here. It was a group decision to interfere. We all agreed it would be best."

I felt betrayed. Even Carlisle, who'd always stayed above it all, had jumped in.

He continued. "Son, we know you better than you might know yourself right now. We're your family. But Bella was supposed to be part of this family too… and she still could be. We weren't willing to let her get killed…"

Killed? Jesus. My body froze and I stopped walking. "How bad was it?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

Alice spoke again. "She's a vampire magnet, with or without you. She was attacked. Jasper and Carlisle saved her and the rest of us took care of them."

"Son, just come home," Esme pleaded. "We can figure the way forward together."

~#~

I made my way back to Denali. When I arrived at the house, I could see the lights on in the house and I could hear them engrossed in their respective normal routines. However, I was in such a black mood, I wasn't ready for the shitstorm that I'd walk into, nor did I want my mood to infect them, particularly Jasper. So, instead of facing the music right away, I went to the garage to be alone for a while. I put my bags down and sat on the floor facing the wall, leaning on my Aston Martin passenger door. I knew Alice would know that I was home and I hoped that she'd see that I wanted to be left alone.

Eventually she entered the garage.

Hi, Edward.

I didn't look up or say anything. She sat on the ground next to me leaning against my car.

You look like hell.

"Thanks."

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know that you've been hurting."

"I deserve it, Alice."

"No, you don't. And neither does she." She was quiet. "I saw what happened in San Francisco. I know you couldn't allow yourself to be with Tanya. Don't you see Edward? You're meant to be with Bella."

"Meant to be? I've done nothing but harm her over and over!" I said, throwing my hands up in the air. "According to Angela, even the mark I left on her almost got her killed in Italy!" I leaned my head back against the door and looked at the ceiling. "What happened there?" I asked quietly.

Alice showed me the events that took place. Bella thrown around by the two vampires. My family arriving on the scene. Bella bitten and groaning in pain.

"Her ribs are broken and I think that she's bleeding internally." Touching her forehead, Carlisle said. "Bella, I could let the venom spread if you'd like. You'll heal that way."

Bella looking around wildly as she writhed in pain, at last managing to focus on him, a look of defeat in her eyes. "No…" she moaned. "Just drain me and get it over with."

Jasper speaking to her calmly. "No, Bella. It isn't your time yet. Please don't say that. He still loves you."

Carlisle sucking out the venom and Jasper giving her blood to heal her injuries. Another vampire carrying her off to safety.

Wait, another vampire? Who the fuck was that? Shit, he was good looking! I felt a pang of jealousy that I had no right to feel. Still, I groaned at the possibility.

"You see, Alice? Almost killed due to me!"

"I will admit that Italy was your fault," she said. I was a bit surprised at Alice's admittance. I nodded as she continued. "She never would have gone away had you not left her. Edward, don't you see, your decision to keep her safe by staying away had the opposite effect!"

"It is the best choice for her."

"Is it really?" And then I heard her thoughts.

Figures. When it rains it pours. Fuck.

I looked at her. "Why do you ask, Alice?"

She answered. "I was just wondering, do you think she could be happy with him for a little while? Do you like this Jacob Black guy?"

A/N: Ruh roh, what did Alice see now?

For those of you still out there, thanks for reading so far. And unlike Edward, I cannot read your thoughts... please review!

Post A/N: Thank you to MrsEdwardCullenP and Loves2Read205 for talking me out of giving you a five line HEA chapter after Ch 11 and being done with it. LOL. At the time, I was hungry and thirsty and my eyes were black. Once I was fed, all was right with the world... I'm a brown-eyed girl again. More chapters cometh.