Edward glowered. "Hey Dad, where's Jacob?" he snarled. Why he should be getting so protective over his daughter's virtue NOW, instead of when she had first became a whore at Mr. Moarbucks' (he has moar bucks than you) behest, was beyond him. Maybe it was just the idea of Jacob violating his daughter.
Carlisle gave Edward a suspicious glance. "He's not here."
"Don't lie to me Carlisle."
"I'm not. He's really not here." Carlisle sat down on one of the several posh armchairs that were scattered around the room. He motioned for Edward to do the same. "You might want to sit for this."
Edward sat. "Now, would you mind telling me where Jacob is?"
"He was arrested by the M.O.D Squad, for crimes against humanity. And also for raping children."
"Oh, well, good riddance." Edward stood and started walking out the door.
"You know," Carlisle called after him, "We are going to have to go get him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what if I don't want to?" And he left.
Carlisle remained sitting, and put his feet up on the coffee table. Esme would yell at him, for sure, but he didn't really care. They were drifting apart as it was, what was another senseless fight?
"Helloooooo, NURSE!" came an exubrant cry from the door way. Carlisle looked up, and saw his First Wife, who was really just the most important of all his other concubines. She walked into the room, wearing an absurd robe and a pointy hat with stars embroidered on it.
"Are the fangirls secure?" he asked when she was standing in front of him.
"Of course they are. I even wizard-locked the door so they can't get into your underwear drawer again."
Carlsile scoffed (it was a sexier scoff than Edward's had been). "You are always talking about all these spells, but I've never actually seen you perform one."
First Wife pouted. "What's the matter? You don't believe me?"
"No, not really."
First Wife took her wand out of her sleeve and waved it around. "Well then, I'll prove it!" She chanted an incantation, and hit him on the head with her wand. A puff of sparkly dust surrounded Carlisle and cut off his vision. When the dust cleared, First Wife was snickering.
"What is so funny?" he asked sternly, and whinnied. Huh. That was odd. He had never whinnied before. First Wife pointed to a mirror that also happened to be in the same room. Carlisle looked in the mirror, and saw a unicorn looking back at him.