A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "The Library" through the season finale.

Chapter 5: The Burden Grows

Spring heated up the world and my group took a few weeks of vacation. However, our focus shifted from relaxation to immediate action when we went to the lost library in the desert. Sokka stole some scrolls from the Library. That and the fact that we were going to use this knowledge to start a war greatly irritated the owlish knowledge spirit. Sokka told me and Momo to get to safety while he and Aang got the date and necessary information about the eclipse. Even though I obeyed Sokka for once, the knowledge spirit still cornered me.

I found myself frustrated when Sokka saved me yet again. Why did he always have to be so perfect? Well, on second thought, he's definitely not perfect. He stole information after telling me that stealing was wrong. But when we were out of the Library and Toph told us that Appa was gone, I quickly forgot about the question of thievery.

Then came the long trek through the desert. Sokka seemed off his nut that day—first there was the stealing, and then he was stupid enough to have some juice from a cactus which made him go temporarily insane. I had a sneaking suspicion that he felt guilty about stealing the scrolls, and wasn't thinking things through. And he couldn't think clearly at all with the cactus juice in his system.

For the first time, I openly led the group. Aang was cranky, Sokka was insane, and Toph didn't volunteer, so I led the way. It felt good, being in charge, but it also heightened the stress and emotional pressure that I had already inflicted on myself. Who would lead if not I?

Most of us were overjoyed to get out of the desert, but not Aang. He was so bitter about losing Appa. Next we tried to get a boat ride through Serpent's Pass, but Aang gave up that opportunity to help a man and his pregnant wife cross on foot. As soon as we got across the Pass, the woman we were escorting gave birth. Sokka was worried and stressed about it the whole time, and he got so flustered that he actually fainted. I was the one who did all the work. When the baby was clean and clothed, Aang peeked into the earth tent and looked at the new child. Her name was Hope.

Aang took me aside and explained that he had been trying not to think about Appa. He was trying to be strong. "But seeing this family," he told me earnestly, "so full of happiness and love…it's reminded me of how I feel about Appa. And how I feel about you."

I smiled at him, touched. The significance of someone outside my family saying "I love you" was immense. Aang had a big heart, and he really did love me. I wondered if he loved me in a romantic way, and if I could return that kind of affection. My understanding of love is quite limited—all I know is I have to control the people I love so I can have peace of mind about their safety. Bato of the water tribe once gave me "the mark of the brave," but the truth is, I wasn't brave enough to change.

Then there was the giant drill. Controlling is my thing, and yet I can't stand it when somebody gives me an order. I can't stand it when somebody just doesn't need me. That day I was angry at Sokka again; he was unusually successful. He came up with the method of destroying the drill. When he cheered us on as we worked, I took it as patronizing. I know he was just trying to find his place in our group, but it was immensely annoying. I flung slurry in his face and knocked him down.

We found Aang a teacher and made it to Ba Sing Sey—now we just had to get the Earth King on our side. I remember going around Ba Sing Sey putting up missing posters for Appa, and thinking that things were going well. I continued to have my say-so in everybody's lives; I was the unspoken coordinator of the group. Oh yes, I thought happily, things are going well indeed!

"Hey Katara, I think I can help you."

Crash—there went my theory about things going well! The voice that had just called to me was unmistakably Jet's! I turned to face him, my nemesis who had betrayed me. My cheeks flushed red with fury as I bended water out of nearby troughs and prepared to attack.

Jet's face turned from cool and collected to stricken with fear. "Katara, I've changed!"

I didn't listen. I used the water to force him against an alley wall, so at least I had him cornered. Then I stopped attacking for a minute. Over the last few months, my attitude toward Jet had softened just enough that I no longer wanted to kill him. Maybe hurt him, but not kill him. Jet quickly told me that he wanted to help me find Appa, and he dropped his weapons to prove it. However, I kept a close eyes on him and saw his hand reaching for something behind his back—a knife?

I froze my water into ice and shot it at him in sharp, lethal shards. The ice daggers pinned him to the wall by his clothes but never pierced his body. Playfully, I allowed one of the shards to land close to his head. Control felt good.

Aang, Sokka, and Toph joined me. They wanted Jet's help, but I was infuriated. Eventually agreed, but I watched him like a hawk. When we found out that Jet had been brainwashed, I knew I was his only hope for regaining his memory. I used healing water to calm the nervous workings of his brain and unlock its jarred memories. Jet must have a lot of faith to let me into his head with no complaint.

Soon we unraveled the mystery of Lake Laogi and went there ourselves. We started fighting the Long Feng, the treacherous advisor to the king, and his agents. We were winning before he sealed most of us out. Now it was only Jet, Long Feng, and Aang in one room, and me and the others unable to get through to them. I nearly went mad with worry.

"Toph, earth bend the door down!" I ordered.

"What do you think I'm trying to do, sugar queen?" she bit back. "Long Feng or his agents are holding the rock in place and it's kind of hard to get them to let go!"

At last Toph broke through, but what we found in the next room was not good. Aang was fine, but Long Feng was gone and Jet was injured on the floor. Despite everything I had done to him and everything he had done to me, I cared about Jet. I examined his injury—broken ribs, a punctured lung, internal bruising—and was suddenly clouded by despair. I couldn't fix this for Jet. He was too far gone, and I hadn't learned how to heal internal injuries. I couldn't save him.

"We're not leaving you," I told Jet, looking him in the eyes for the first time since our reunion. Even if I couldn't fix him, I had to give him some kind of comfort.

"Don't worry, Katara," Jet smiled weakly but charismatically. He held my hand. "I'll be fine."

I knew he was wrong—he wasn't going to be fine, he was going to die. I felt crushed. Vaguely, as if in a dream, I followed Sokka out of the death chamber. I left Jet behind. Appa saved us from Long Feng and we flew out of immediate danger. We flew toward a safer place on the lake where we could plot our next move.

Everything around was warm with spring, but I felt cold on the inside. I wished for somebody who could help me and understand me. I looked at Sokka, but all I felt was guilt. He wouldn't help me because he was the only person who knew how messed up I really was. I looked at Aang hopefully, but all I saw was a child too passive to do anything but stare at me in adoration. He could never challenge me, he could never find fault with me—he was too busy loving me.

I heaved a sigh and slowly, wearily picked up my emotional yoke. I remembered that I had to run this group, to mother it, to manipulate it. I had to protect everyone here so they didn't end up like Jet. I couldn't afford to drop this weight now—Jet's death had made it so much heavier.

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We lost no time talking about our next move. Sokka was optimistic about meeting the Earth King, and he tried to cheer me up. I thought about how different Sokka was compared to a few months ago—he was so much more patient and open-minded than before. In fact, he was more patient and open-minded than I was. Aang took Sokka's side, but Toph and I wanted to get out of Ba Sing Sey; she was sick of aristocratic company, and I just was sick of being around this place. This place where Jet died.

I was pleased when I found that Aang and Sokka wouldn't go to the Earth King until they had my approval. Without my agreement, they couldn't do anything. Feeling assuaged, I agreed to the plan. We convinced the Earth King about the conspiracy theory with some difficulty. Sokka's serious speech to the Earth King about defending his city was actually pretty inspiring. In the end, Long Feng was arrested and things were looking up. Sokka went to visit Dad, Aang went to see the Guru, Toph went to see her mother, and I listened to General Howe's attack plan.

I refused to think about Jet, and I was actually pretty happy. In fact I felt like getting a cup of tea. But when I went into the guesthouse where the tea was being served, my jaw dropped and my eyes went wide. For just one second I was frozen in place—looking at the tea servers—Zuko and Iroh in disguise! Shocked, I ran to see the Kyoshi Warriors who were now staying in Ba Sing Sey.

But these were not Kyoshi warriors. It was Azula and her friends in disguise. I was too shocked and appalled to react quickly. Clumsily, I tried to water bend, but Azula's friend Ty Lee attacked me in the way I hated most in the world—she temporarily took away my bending and paralyzed me. I once confessed to Aang how much I hated and feared the thought of having my bending taken away…how much I hated being helpless.

I was thrown down into a pit in the Crystal Catacombs of Ba Sing Sey. My prison cell was cold and lit up in a surreal blue-green light reflected everywhere by the crystals. I was furious, but I could not escape. Even if I had water to bend, I don't think it would have helped.

In a few hours, I heard the door at the top of the pit open. A guard's harsh voice called, "You have company!" A young man with dark, shaggy hair was thrown down. He yelled in pain as his body slammed against the rock floor.

I recognized him at once. "Zuko!" The strangest mix of rage and fear came over me. Without my bending, I was completely at Zuko's mercy. However, this fear was soon forgotten as all the aggravating memories of what Zuko had done came back to me. "You're a terrible person, you know that?" I shouted at him. "Always following us, hunting the Avatar, trying to destroy the world's last hope for peace!"

Zuko did not answer, only sat with his back turned to me. Being ignored was almost as bad as being manipulated. I scowled at Zuko ferociously. "But what do you care? You're the Fire Lord's son. Spreading war and violence and hatred is in your blood."

At last he acknowledged me, stubbornly snapping, "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"I don't?!" I was screaming now, and fighting back tears. "You have no idea what this war has put me through—me personally!!! The Fire Nation took my mother away from me."

Zuko turned his head, looking at me for the first time. His expression was kind. "I'm sorry," he said earnestly. "That's something we have in common."

There was a long silence. I began to think that Zuko wasn't as evil as I had previously believed. I might be able to help him, and he might accept the help. No, perhaps I shouldn't be so lenient after all. Whenever Zuko looked at me—it's hard to describe—he made me feel challenged and haunted.

Zuko confessed he'd come to the conclusion that he didn't need to obey the Fire Lord. He was free to live his own life, he told me, even if he could never be free of his blood-red scar. That made me think. Was I living my own life, my destiny? It sounded almost selfish, being able to live out your own dreams with no regard to a father's wishes. I never imagined myself as self-centered; everything I did was for the good of my group. Was I forgetting myself in the process?

Being a very caring person, I was easily won over by Zuko. I don't need to repeat how much I love rescuing people—it's my addiction, and like an addiction it comes with a price. The price was that I had to carry the burden of being everybody's servant and savior. Still, I was not thinking of that burden now. I was thinking about healing Zuko. I would use the spirit water from the North Pole and relieve him of his scar. Zuko seemed ready to let me try it.

To steady his head while I worked, I had to touch the side of his face. My hand tingled as it made contact with his cool, pale skin and felt the hard-set cheekbone underneath. This close touch made me strangely uneasy. Although Zuko's face was relaxed and calm, something still made me irritated. What was it about this Fire Nation Prince that made me feel so challenged and uncomfortable?

Before I could apply the spirit water, Aang and Iroh broke through the wall. I was overjoyed to see Aang and instantly threw my arms around him. But we did not have much time for talking. In a second's notice we were fighting for our lives against Azula and Long Feng's agents! Zuko joined in the fight, and I can't even describe how shocked, angry, and hurt I was to see that he was fighting against me. He seemed so humble one moment, and so cruel the next. Things got worse and worse until Aang finally went into the Avatar State. By entering that state, he was risking all our lives. He was attacking, no longer focused on preserving my life or Sokka's or Toph's. He must save the Earth Kingdom from evil, but I might pay the price.

That seemed to be a common theme in our adventures—giving up something for the greater good. Yue had given herself up. Sokka gave up his ardent hate of theft, stealing the Library's scrolls in order to get information that could save the world. Now Aang was giving up me. Oh, how I wanted to justify some of my actions like that! But I couldn't. Stealing the water bending scroll was done selfishly; nothing "greater good" about it.

Things turned from hopeful to devastating when Azula struck Aang with lightning. My world seemed to break. Everything changed in a single instant. Partially thanks to Iroh, I escaped with Aang in my arms. Sokka, Toph and the Earth King were already on Appa, and I joined them. I looked at Aang's horrible wound as we flew. There was a black feeling inside me and a lump in my throat.

My hands trembled as I took out the spirit water. I applied it to Aang's wound, all the time thinking, 'Please don't leave me, Aang. You're my best friend. You've always wanted me there for you, and I need you. I need you to need me. I'm your protector. Don't abandon me…like my mom and my dad and Jet…don't leave…

Aang moaned softly and opened his eyes. Instantly my tears started flowing—Aang was alive! I held him while he slipped into unconsciousness. I drew his body up to mine—his light, childish body. When he woke up, he would be his childlike, trusting self again. He was mine; I had saved him.

The burden I was carrying was getting too heavy, and by almost losing Aang, I had stumbled under the weight. By the skin of my teeth, though, I was still able to fulfill my role as savior. …But how much longer could I keep it up?