Cory unlocked the door, swung it open and held it for me as I walked in. I looked around nervously, not really sure how I should feel. It was dark. Cory walked in behind me and slid his hand along the wall, finding the switch and turning the light on.
It was small, and cozy, and so very -Shawn. My breathing hitched a little bit. I was standing in a small living area. There was a comfortable looking arm chair along the wall, with a small standing table next to it. The chair was right next to the window and across from the television on the opposite side of the room. I say the other side - but it was really only about ten to fifteen feet away because this part of the apartment was so small. On the table were a few books, all his favorite poetry; and there was a forgotten coffee mug, empty, but unwashed and scuffing the small table where obviously no coaster had ever been. The fact that he ruined a perfectly good table should make me see a character flaw in him; but instead all I saw was an endearing imperfection.
On the other side of the armchair there was a bookcase. I immediately walked to that first, my eyes glancing over the filled shelves. A few shelves filled with books of more poetry. One toward the top had a stereo on it and all sorts of music. There was of course all of his classical music albums (which was most of the "music" shelf), but a few new ones. He'd taken to listening to a little R&B, I knew from our nightly phone conversations, and smiled when I saw an album he'd just been passionately describing to me recently by an artist newly discovered by my love named Bob Marley. I ran my fingers across that one knowing that he'd just touched it days before.
There were a few notebooks here and there, and there was half a shelf devoted to movies. Most of them were either international films, or, to my pleasure - horror. We loved watching horror films, both of us, especially together.
"Oh come on. We already know he's gonna get killed."
"I don't know Shawn, theres almost always one or two survivors - I'm rooting for him - I like it when the scrawny shy kid makes it out alive.
"Well, there ya go! scrawny and shy - he's definately murdered!"
And then I'd snuggled tighter into his arms a bowl of popcorn between us, and he'd kissed the top of my head. But neither one of us had pried our eyes off the screen. I don't remember if scrawny kid lived or died. I'd started to doze on his shoulder that night by the end of the movie - and if I remember correctly he'd carried me to my bed, as we'd been in my dorm room.
And that was only a few months ago. I sighed, bringing myself back to keep examining the bookshelf.
There was a shelf of books, some classics, some good novels, a few I'd mentioned to him that I'd read. And naturally there were some study prep school books. As I searched through the rest of the shelves my eyes came to the bottom one on the floor which was oddly turned into a drawer. Puzzled, I knelt on the floor and opened it, only to gasp. Cory walked up behind me, and honestly until he did I'd forgotten he was still there.
"This is his "Angela" drawer." Cory said simply, "He'd said he wanted it to be separate part of the bookshelf, a "secret place to keep his heart.""
The drawer was filled with pictures of me, of us, of ones I'd sent him from Europe. There was a whole shoebox filled with my letters. And There was Vivaldi's four seasons on top of some pieces of paper, that I saw had some of his most emotional poetry. You can always tell when he writes with passion because his handwriting always gets harder to read. And this pile of various poems and writings were all scrawled messily, but still able to be read by me. Right in the corner of the drawer was a picture of us his arm around me and with me smiling - it was prom our senior year. This picture was framed, and under the glass in a little speech bubble was my handwriting cut out from one of my letters. It read, "Shawn Hunter, I love you forever and I always will." Also in the frame, at the bottom, was a paper cut out in the shape of a small heart with his scrawled writing, "And Angela Moore, I will always love you too." I picked it up gingerly, and felt my fingers brush paper on the back of the frame. I turned it over curiously and saw another small bit of paper held onto the back by scotch tape, with the words written very small (if writing could be whispered this would be it), "Which is why I wish you would come home."
I put a hand over my mouth, and felt the tears coming on, but tried to keep them at bay.
I looked up at Cory, who had put a hand on my back and I hadn't even noticed. "Is there a pen in here?" I asked him quietly.
"Yea, sure." he said, and walked over to the coffee table on the other side of the chair, he opened a drawer, hesitated a moment then got a pen out and tossed it to me.
I took it and leaned forward, placing the frame and paper on my knee. With my shaky hands I scrawled my words in a fashion like his, messy and passionate, "I'm home now, and I'll never leave you again. But it's only home if you're here beside me." I heard Cory shutting the table drawer behind me but paid him no mind as I shut the "me" drawer and stood up, dabbing at my eyes and holding the picture to my chest like a life vest.
"You wanna show me to his bed?" I asked Cory still quietly. "Yea, this way." he said instantly, taking his hand out of his pocket and walking through the room to a door just past the tv. I noticed as I walked by that there was another small room, about the size of a nook, adjacent to the wall that the door was on. I stuck my head in to see a tiny kitchen with a microwave oven, a fridge, a few cabinets, a coffee-maker, and a sink. Then I followed Cory into the bedroom, which was the roomiest one of the place.
The bed was queen-sized, and was just right. After months of hotel bedding that was either pure springs or purely cushioned bedding (neither of which felt natural, or like home), I sat down on Shawn's bed to test it out. It sank a little but supported me too - like it had been slept in, and not by strangers who had had the room before me - but by him. His bedroom smelt of his cologne and I was lost in the bliss that he still used the same scent I remembered.
I laid back inhaling the smell and feeling his bed and pretending he was right there beside me, his arms around me, stroking my shoulders like he used to do. Cory shifted on his feet, and though I had my eyes closed I still heard him do it. So I got up placed the picture on a bedside table which had a lamp on it.
"Right - the closet is here" Cory said, opening a door. "And that is the bathroom there" he said, gesturing to another door. "I have no idea whether or not the man even owns clean towels, so if there's anything you need feel free to knock; any time of the night." He said with a hint at humor, but sincerity in the invitation at the same time.
I smiled at him genuinely, and he seemed relieved to see it. "Thanks Cory, I really appreciate all this."
"No problem." He said, "Really." returning a smile and tapping his pocket absent-mindedly. "Well, uh, I'm gonna get back…" he said pointing a thumb toward Topanga's direction. "You sure you're gonna be alright here?"
I nodded. It felt right, being here. The only thing that was missing was Shawn, I sighed internally, but made a show of smiling for Cory. It was easier to feign happiness here, I almost felt like Shawn would walk out of one of these doors at any time, because the place was so genuinely him.
"Ok." He said, and then Cory gave me a hug and began toward the door.
"Hey Core, wait." I said suddenly, a thought occurring to me. He'd opened the closet door before to reveal the turmoil within. I remembered when Shawn's whole room had been that messy, but there was something else in the closet that piqued my interest. A comfortable little doggy bed I remember Shawn telling me went unused, because the animal he'd bought it for always came up on the bed, or preferred pillows on the floor.
Cory turned back around immediately, concern on his face.
"Where's Little Cory?" I asked. Cory paused, then broke into a smirk and responded, "He's staying with Eric, he likes Eric's sheets better. But Lord knows he always comes to our place for a good piggy treat."
I giggled, happy that someone was caring for the pig. That pet meant the world to Shawn, and he told the most interesting stories about the little fella.
"Ok." I said, "That's good… Although…" Cory regarded me patiently, "If he ever wanted to come home, I wouldn't mind pig-sitting when I'm here. I mean, he'd be more comfortable here, and he is practically my family." Now it was his turn to laugh. "I'll talk to Eric in the morning..."
"ok." I said and we both smiled, somewhat genuinely. "Goodnight Angela."
"Goodnight Cory." I said and waved as he left the room and a few seconds later- the apartment.
I sighed observing all of Shawn's things and feeling utter jubilation. And then reality set back in and I grabbed a pillow clutching it to my chest as I realized that; here I was in my lover's apartment. And I'm more alone then I've been my whole life. And with that the tears began, and didn't stop until after I'd gotten ready for bed and drifted into a fitful sleep, too comfortable in his perfect, yet empty, bed.
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I opened the door to my apartment, then shut it and leaned back against it closing my eyes and sighing shakily. I'd just nearly had a hearty attack while showing Angela Shawn's apartment, and on top of the way I'd already felt about the uncomfortable situation, having my heart jump out of my chest wasn't helping.
"Cory, is that you?!" Topanga called from the other room.
"Yea." I said, opening my eyes. But she didn't come into our living room, so I walked in, intent on finding my wife. I found her in the bathroom with the door ajar.
I immediately knelt to the ground, concern for her welling up uncontrollably. "Oh, Honey. Not sick again..?" I asked, as she was sitting on the ground next to the toilet. She just nodded weakly, looking pale. She put her arms around me in a hug and allowed me to lift her to her feet. Then without being prompted I picked her up bridal style and carried her to our bedroom.
"Maybe we should take you to the doctor, you might be coming down with the flu or something…" I said. But she read the concern on my face and dismissed it.
"No. Cory, I'm fine, alright. I'm just a bit tightly strung by this whole situation. - And you didn't need to carry me, I'm perfectly fine to walk." She reprimanded me as I laid her on our bed and crawled on next to her.
I felt my eyebrow go up and she read the skepticism with a sigh.
"Really, Cory. Trust me… when my parents first told me they were going through their divorce, I couldn't keep anything down for a week or two. And you remember when we took the SAT's?"
"Yea. I didn't talk to you for a week because you had your head inside a book 24 hours a day." I said fondly, recalling the memory of my very frazzled Topanga at the age of sixteen. She'd been cute back then, but not nearly as beautiful as she was now. She smiled at my response and I addictively ran my fingers along her face.
"Yea that's because I didn't leave my room for that whole week except to pad to the bathroom and puke my nerves out." She finished bitterly.
"Why? You got over an 1800 and accepted to Yale!" I reminded her.
She shrugged and cuddled closer to me, laying on my chest and her arms around me like a child holding a teddy bear. "That's just always what happens when I get nervous or stressed out. And I'm both" Her tone turned darker, dropping the momentarily happy glint. "… Cory, I'm scared."
Her grip tightened around me and I felt my own stomach twist itself up.
"I know" I murmured, holding onto her too. "Me too." I kissed the top of her hair, anxiety tearing me apart as well.
"Oh my God! I nearly forgot!" she said suddenly wrenching herself out of my arms and sitting up in bed sending a panicked look in my direction.
"What?!" I said, my voice reflecting her panic, but most of my brain preoccupied by missing her presence in my arms.
"We have a problem. The ring! Shawn left the ring in his apartment! What if Angela finds it?! He was supposed to propose and she wasn't supposed to see it coming!! And what if…" She paused looking scared but I knew she had more to say so I didn't interrupt letting her continue. Her eyes looked scared as she stumbled through the words, "What if he never wakes up?"
Unintentional anger filled my gut. He would be fine. Why would she even suggest that when I knew Shawn would be fine?!
But I stopped myself from saying this aloud. Part of my mind knew she had a point. But that was the quiet whispering part. And I knew I wasn't mad at Topanga, just mad at that whispering doubting part of myself. So I screamed him down in my own head, instead of my beautiful wife. I missed the last part of Topanga's prattle, which she was monologue-ing at ninety miles an hour.
"If he doesn't than she'll have found the ring and be even more heartbroken knowing exactly what would have happened instead of what could have happened! And that would be awful! We have to stop her from finding that darn ring! I know it's in there, but was it in the dresser or the bedside table or the - "
"Cory!!" she yelled after a few seconds bringing me back into the conversation forcefully.
"What? Oh, right, sorry - the ring." I said uncertainly. I'd been staring off into space, trying to lasso my thoughts back in and away from the dangerous cliff of despair.
She looked furious, but I only smirked. "Don't worry about it I said." And she looked confused.
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So yes, I am aware that the whole "Little Cory" business was a total tangent, but I was rewatching that episode the other day sand fell in love with Shawn all over again when he took in that pig. And you know he kept him, he made a reappearence once in season 6 i think. And I just really think that was a character they should have reused. The fact that Shawn owns an abandoned pig just makes me happy, and darnit - I miss the little fella too! So I wrote him in, hoe you don't mind. And just in case you have no idea what I'm talking about watch Season 3, episode 6 "This Little Piggy" on Youtube. And Little Cory's reappearence is in season 5 episode 12 "Raging Cory" but only for a one line joke reference.
I love that pig. :)
Hope ou enjoy the chap - please review, and sorry for how long it take to update, its finals week in school . Ugh. :(