A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "Nightmares and Daydreams" through "The Ember Island Players."

Chapter 7: Pondering the Burden

We reached the bay four days before the invasion. Aang grew increasingly nervous about fighting the Fire Lord, but the bed of sheep's wool did the trick. There were a lot of sheep here, and Sokka must have taken a liking to them because he never tried to hunt them.

When the invasion force arrived, we all got into the submarines. Before Aang left, I spoke to him on top of the surfaced submarine. I had long since thought of him as my closest companion. Still, I was surprised when Aang suddenly leaned forward and kissed me. He withdrew rather grimly and took off on his glider. I watched him fly away, confused. Perhaps Aang had been romantically attracted me for along time, but me—? Although I let Aang fawn over me, I didn't know if I loved him.

We broke into the capital city, bringing down the watchtowers and doing everything so diplomatically that we lost no lives. Dad was injured, and Sokka instantly volunteered to lead the invasion force. I hate to admit it, but he did a great job. However, I was the one responsible for saving Dad's life.

During the rest of invasion my stress level rose. Aang was tricked and beaten by Azula and the air balloons and air battleships were destroying the submarines. I helped bring down several balloons, taking my anger out the Fire Nation soldiers, and watching them fall to their deaths amidst cursing and wailing.

Even when it was apparent that we could not all escape, I refused to think about neglecting the other soldiers. What would they do without me and Aang to help them? I held Dad's shoulders and exclaimed, "We can't leave you behind! We won't leave anyone behind," I added, looking over my Dad's head at the other soldiers.

I don't exactly know how I got talked into leaving—it was very unlike me to do so. I guess it was because I saw Aang, bent over with grief and disappointment. I knew I couldn't let him suffer like that. I threw myself at Dad, hugging him goodbye, and then went to comfort Aang. He was crying. Still, he led us out of the danger zone and safely to the Western Air Temple.

A few days passed. We were all grim.

But Aang, desiring stress relief, decided to have fun at the air temple. As he ran to go play with Haru and the Duke, I picked up his staff and thrust it in his path. He ran into the staff and skidded to a halt. I knew my little actions of control would not bother him—Aang would let me treat him like a doormat if I asked! He was head over heels for me. I explained that we needed a plan, but before we got far in our talk we were interrupted.

…By Zuko.

The man who had haunted my dreams for half a year, the man I knew was beyond my control, the man who I had begun to slowly soften toward—until he betrayed me. Didn't he know how much I hated to be fooled? Or was he too selfish to even care? Sokka, Toph, Aang, and I were quickly on the defensive. I did most of the talking. As he begged to join us, my every word was full of hate. When Zuko offered himself up as a prisoner, I took out my bending water and splashed him so hard he went sprawling and landed on his back.

After Zuko left, Toph expressed her interest in letting him join us. That was just because she hadn't been hurt by Zuko. Not until she went to Zuko's camp at night, that is, and got her feet burned. The soles of her feet were red and oozing, but she hardly flinched. Just when we decided to go and attack Zuko, we were assaulted by the assassin that Sokka named "Combustion Man."

To our surprise, Zuko helped saved us from sudden death. However, Sokka did the work of causing Combustion Man's demise with his boomerang. After that, we all had to listen to Zuko blabber on about honor and destiny and all that. Everybody seemed willing to give him a chance. Even Sokka was open-minded—guess that shows how far he's come. Well, I respected Aang's opinion, and besides, it might be good having Zuko where I could control him. I agreed very reluctantly.

But when he was alone in his room, I followed him on a grim errand. It was safe to say that I was angrier at him than I was at Jet. I walked right up to Zuko—our faces were only a few inches from each other—and began to disclose my terms of acceptance. My face was hateful and my voice was grim.

"You make step backward, one slipup, give me any reason to think you might hurt Aang, and you won't have to worry about your destiny anymore. Because I'll make sure it ends, right then and there, permanently!"

I left him bleakly. I was completely obsessed by my need to control and protect others. Deep down, I knew it was impossible for me to save everybody, and that made me angry. It made me absolutely livid that I had been unable to save Jet and my Mother. So I took my anger and my bitterness out on Zuko. I threatened to kill him.

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Every day for the next few weeks I watched Zuko carefully. Having him there didn't just make me uneasy, it overloaded me. Every time I looked at him, I was reminded of the bad things he had done that I hadn't been able to stop. I was always aware of the need to protect Aang and Sokka from him. I was afraid something else would happen—something that I couldn't stop, like Jet's death and…my mother's death.

I must have started talking about my mother, because Zuko came to me and told me he knew who killed my mother. He told me he would help me find the man, and then I could do whatever I chose. He even made a point of downsizing Aang's "no violence" advice. I wasn't altogether sure that Zuko agreed with murder, but he was going to respect my wishes without controlling me. This both annoyed me and fascinated me, but I hardly had time to think about as we hunted down the leader of the Southern Raiders.

As we went, my desperation grew. I felt I was struggling every hour to hold up my incredible burden. I considered it part of my burden to destroy my mother's killer. I was desperate that I saw no reason not to blood-bend, the creepy skill I had learned from Hama earlier. Knowing that I had problems with controlling, I tried not to use blood-bending except when really angry. The first man we went after was not the one I was looking for, but we soon found the right one.

I told the retired commander that I was the last Southern water bender. He remembered killing my mother. Excited and grim, I prepared to kill my victim. I ignored the word "murder" as it forced its way into my mind. As the old General cringed, I bent some water into long, lethal spars of ice and shot the weapons at him. For less than a second the image of the old man cut to bits and bloodied by countless swords of ice hovered in my mind—

And then I stopped. The old man was unharmed.

I stopped because I realized that I understood this old fire bender. He was pathetic and empty, the sort of man who could not stand up for himself or think for himself. When he killed my mother, he was mindlessly following orders. This passive, enslaved man probably couldn't argue with his own mother. I did what was best for him—I left him alone. The last thing he needed was somebody else controlling—or ending—his life.

On the way back to our campsite, Zuko said, "I think you did the right thing. As soon as Sokka told me about your mother, I thought you needed this. And I wanted you to make your own choice."

I was steering Appa, so I didn't look at Zuko. "Aang wanted to do that too; to let me make my own choice," I stated. "I guess I did the same thing for my mother's killer. I let him have his own life." Suddenly my grip loosened on the reins and I felt shaky and lightheaded. "I really wanted to kill that man, but I didn't. This is…so unlike me."

Zuko took the reins. "You should rest," he said kindly. "I know how you feel. When I let Appa free in Ba Sing Sey, I actually got sick because it was so unlike me to help the Avatar. I still ended up betraying you and Uncle, but that sickness really was the start of my personal renaissance." He put his hand over mine. "Maybe this will be a renaissance for you, too."

I pulled my hand away. "No, I don't think so."

When Zuko and I returned, everybody was impressed with my decision not to take revenge—especially Aang. I still couldn't think of my mother's killer with kindness …"But I am ready to forgive you," I told Zuko.

Every nerve in my body screamed "No!" as I hugged Zuko. It was only a quick hug, and it must have surprised him as much as it surprised me. For a fraction of a second his strong arms were around me, and then I pulled away. There was a look in his eyes that said, "You're on the right track."

I turned away from his appealing eyes, doubting that I was really on the right track. I had one moment of clarity by sparing a man's life—but would that affect me?

I lay tossing and turning long into the night. I was plagued by a new and troublesome thought: Aang. He was the most passive boy I'd ever met; he let me trample all over him. I didn't want him to become like the commander of the Southern Raiders—but I was playing into his doom. Maybe I wasn't in love with Aang—maybe I just wanted to control his life so I could protect him. Zuko and Sokka's ideas could be right—respecting the decisions of others, even if they are about to do something stupid.

'No,' part of me screamed! 'You must control, or people will get hurt. How will you survive if you lose another friend?'

When we went to see the Ember Island Players and Aang started talking about us "being together" it only made things worse for me. I tried to fight the effects of Aang's big, imploring eyes. I told him that it wasn't the right time for romance.

"Well when is the right time?" Aang asked unhappily.

It was no good coming up with excuses. "Aang, I'm sorry. I'm just a little confused right now." I was taken by surprise as he quickly and boldly pressed his lips against mine. Jerking away, I snapped, "I just said I was confused! I'm going back inside!"

That was not a good night.