The weirdest feeling in the world is to hear everything that is going on around you, but have no thought about it. No opinion. No internal voice or commentary - just blank, silence. I heard every conversation, felt every touch, but did not respond. And now looking back I can recall things that I had heard, things that should have evoked some sort of emotion or feeling or thought. But I'd had nothing. Empty.
I think therefore I am. But if I am not thinking, how could I be sure of my existence?
That was the first conscious babble of thoughts that I remember having, and then that thought evoked within me a sense of fear. The first emotion. What if I didn't exist? Or rather, don't exist. Is this death? But wait, I am thinking now even if I wasn't before. Am I still dead?
And with that a steady beeping that had forever been beating beside me at a constant pace, picked up. It got faster and I could feel the adrenaline flow through my veins. Hey wait, I could feel that? So I have to be alive then, right? Well, I have veins… And last time I checked, spirits that were moving on didn't have veins.
I took a mental inventory. Gently acknowledging the aches and pains in my body. Well, my head hurt really badly (so I have a head and it hurts and I am aware that it is hurting, so I can't be dead, right?). And there was a great pressure on one of my legs, which might have been elevated; it felt kind of funny. I couldn't move my left hand, there was something blocking it. Although in the same hand there was some warm pressure on my fingers. And both my arms were wrapped in what felt like cardboard or paper. The inside of my right elbow felt strange, like I shouldn't move it, like it was on a wire. And my chest seemed to be on fire. The whole thing (my chest) was wrapped up like a Christmas gift and it just hurt. It was tender and sore. And breathing was like fire too. I coughed, and the pain exploded leaving me to watch stars beneath my closed lids.
Didn't I notice any of this before? I hadn't thought about it until then.
So I was banged up pretty bad. The beeping got louder and faster again, and I opened my eyes, surprising myself by being able to. I'd forgotten that I could open my eyes, but now that I had, I thought it was silly that I'd forgotten. I'd always been able to see.
It was so bright, I automatically started squinting my eyes. It was too bright in here. I was in a hospital room, in a hospital bed. I didn't consciously think about who I was or why I was there. It just hadn't occurred to me yet, my mind was still moving pretty slow. I blearily looked around the room, and saw all the machines. The one that was beeping persistently was connected to a finger, keeping my pulse. So that's why it had sped up when I thought I was dead; my heartbeat had increased.
And then I noticed her. The girl, asleep in the chair next to me. She was holding my hand (the warm pressure on my fingers), and I remembered her voice. "Shawn. It's me. I love you. And I wish you would wake up. Please wake up." She had definitely said that to me just a few minutes before, and I hadn't responded at the time. But I did now. I held her hand tighter.
I didn't try to remember who she was, the only conscious thought I had was a vague, That's funny. I didn't know that Angels could sleep…
And then a counter thought replied obnoxiously in the depths of my brain, Well, you did get hit by a truck in New York City! Obviously some angel was asleep on duty!
And it slowly dawned on me as I accepted the thought as truth, Oh yea, I did get hit by a truck, didn't I?… But I had no memory of it, I just knew that it was true. Then I closed my eyes and saw a bright green truck, a screeching of brakes and the man behind the wheel who's piercing brown eyes shown pure panic. Then I was here…
I opened my eyes again coming out of the flashback and grasped the girl's hand tighter. I wish I knew who she was, or what was happening. I tried to say something, I don't remember what, but as soon as any sound came out of my mouth I was coughing. It felt like the sides of my throat were coated in acid, and I'd just scraped a fork across them. Note to self; talking = pain. If my arms had been movable I would have grabbed my throat in pain. But as it happens my left one was in a splint and in the angel's hand, and my right one was attached to an I.V. Huh, so that's the wire I felt before. Who knew?
My eyes began to tear up in blind pain, but gradually the coughing died down. Then all I felt was the scratchy pain I'd felt before, and the odd sense of relief that the pain had numbed down a bit.
After my coughing attack, my eyes starting to drop shut again and I realized how tired I really was. I really wanted to sleep. I was too groggy, my mind moving too slow. So without thinking I closed my eyes and let sleep take me, quietly hoping I'd wake up again. I needed to find out her name.
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"Miss Moore?" I opened my eyes blurrily to see a nurse sanding before me, a hand on my shoulder. She was gently shaking me awake. I checked the clock on the wall; 9 o'clock. I sighed.
"I'm afraid it's time to leave. You can come back first thing tomorrow though. I'm sorry, rules are rules." She really did look apologetic too.
I wiped the sleep out of my eyes feeling disappointed. I'd come to visit Shawn and I wound up sleeping the whole time. I looked down and realized his hand was still in mine. I wished I never had to let go. "Alright. I know the drill."
I collected my things then brought Shawn's hand to my lips, kissing it. I then kissed his forehead as well. If I didn't know better, I would have said he was smiling at least a little bit. "Bye Shawn. I love you." I whispered. Then started walking out of the room.
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I heard the nurse tell her she had to go, and once again I was actually awake! I had thought again, that was good. And I was so happy, preoccupied by the fact that I could think again. It was a relief, not to be under water anymore, just listening in silence without any internal input at all. I was awake! I smiled. But I didn't process what was being said because I was so distracted by my reacquired ability to think.
Until she let go of my hand, the angel. Then I realized what was being said. My hand opened and shut a few times, searching for her warmth. Then I found it. Her hand was in mine again, and I felt her raise it up and kiss it with her lips. I smiled happily. Then she kissed my forehead too and said such tragic words, "Bye Shawn."
My brow furrowed as the contentment left my face. NO! She can't leave me! Where is she going? Why are they taking her?!
I tried to speak again in vain, but my throat was on fire still. But I couldn't give up, I couldn't let the angel leave without a fight! I pushed past all the pain and I managed with an almighty groan to push out a few syllables. Just barely managing to say, "NO! Bad things happen when the angel leaves!"
The words were extremely raspy and sounded like they came from a ninety year old man who'd smoked for 85 years - but they came out. And then I was coughing, hacking out the acid. Probably dying, with those being my last words. There was silence in the room, other than my incessant hacking. Had they disappeared? Was this a dream? Had I died? Once again I was forgetting that I could open my eyes. So I just kept opening and shutting my hand, searching for warmth and hoping it wasn't too late. The hand not in a splint was over my mouth, trying to abate the explosion from my throat. The beeping following my heart beat went wild in fear.
Then her voice, her beautiful beautiful voice, "Did he just…?" So quiet. I wanted to say yes. But I couldn't talk anymore yet. I was still painfully coughing over the last sentence I'd said, But I nodded my head 'yes'.
"Shawn? You're awake!?!" She shouted. Happier now, excited. I wished I could stop coughing, could be happy with her, but I nodded again.
Then I heard the nurse in the corner, probably on an intercom, "Can I have Doctor Kale in Room 715. Dr. Kale to Room 715 please." And then the Angel took my hand. "Shawn. You're awake. Oh God, you're awake!!" I think she was sobbing. I wanted to hold her in my arms. If angels shouldn't sleep, they certainly shouldn't cry. But I was only now starting to be able to take shallow breathes without my lungs attacking me. Seriously, I think they were on fire, if I could speak I'd ask someone to put them out.
"Shawn" And then I felt her take my face in both of her hands, "Shawn, look at me, please?" Oh yea, I can see. She had asked so sweetly, quietly, a whisper just above my face.
And then I opened my eyes. And I was looking into hers. Her beautiful chocolate brown eyes, red with tears, and a hysterical grin on her face.
She started to laugh-sob as she stroked my face. "Shawn." She murmured. "Oh God Shawn. I've missed you." And I wanted to say I missed her too, and hold her forever. But I wasn't about to speak again. I think my eyes filled up with tears too. Then she kissed every inch of my face; my nose my cheeks and finally, my lips. And she held my head as she gently kissed me, so as not to hurt me. But it was the most comforting kiss in the world. "I love you." She whispered. And I opened my mouth, mouthing the words back without straining my vocal cords. My hand carefully moved up my chest pointing from me to her as I mouthed back at her, "I love you too. I love you too.". Then she collapsed onto my bandaged chest, laughing and crying in relief. My arms folded around her and even though my whole body ached and I was barely able to breathe, all was right in the world.
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The doctor needed to speak with Shawn. So I excused myself to call my friends. I was shaking and barely able to get my phone out of my pockets, never mind dial to make the call. I couldn't stop crying, and I knew I must have looked ridiculous, but I was just so relieved. He'd woken up. The love of my life, the doctor's had been saying he might never open his eyes again, but he had. He'd woken up! And he'd said, "I love you too!"
I placed a hand over my mouth and sat down in a hospital chair in the waiting room, sobbing and laughing, and not really knowing what to feel. I think overwhelmed works for this situation.
I'd just been so afraid, that I didn't want to have hope. And now as I cried and was unable to dial Cory's number on my phone, I realized I'd been hoping all along. And he'd pulled through. He woke up!
He'd sounded so raspy, and just saying one sentence had thrown him into a coughing fit, but he'd spoke. What had he said?
"NO! Bad things happen when the angel leaves!"
I put my head between my legs as my heart broke a little bit at the memory. It was a reminder of all the pain I'd caused. I took a few deep breathes unsuccessfully trying to regain control.
My cell phone rang in my hands and I jumped. Cory's name lit up the screen as the ring tone played on. I picked it up immediately, wiping my eyes and trying to control my voice. "Cory…" I sniffled a bit.
"Hey Ang. We're here to pick you up if you're ready to -"
But I cut him off with my stern, "Angela is serious" tone of voice; "Cory! Get inside, now, bring Topanga! Come in, now!"
"What? Why? He hasn't… - Now?"
"Right now!" I stressed, holding onto the phone like a lifeline.
There was a silence on the other end for a few seconds. Then Cory said in a panicked voice to Topanga, "She says we have to come in, right now. Alright Angela, on our way."
Cory was using his, I'm in a rush voice, and suddenly I realized how it must have sounded to him. I wanted to explain but he'd already hung up, and he was coming in anyway. I imagined him finding a place to park at ninety miles an hour, Cory tended to do reckless things when he was worried, especially about Shawn.
Not three minutes later (despite the fact that this ward was ten stories up and the elevators don't move very fast), both Cory and Topanga were literally running toward me down the hall. Tears were still running down my face and I'd given up trying to make them stop. I stood up and Cory grabbed onto my arms just as he drew to a halt, looking over my shoulder at the door to Shawn's room.
"Oh God Angela. What's wrong? What happened? Is he - did he-?" Cory couldn't even form the words he was fearing most. Topanga had a hand on Cory's back, staring at me with pure fear in her eyes.
"He woke up!" I stated, my voice breaking. I sniffled.
Cory's head snapped from the door to my eyes in confusion. Topanga's face was one of surprise. "What?" He said, "Did you just say -?" He let his question hang in the air, tilting his head and squinting his eyes in trademark Cory fashion.
I nodded, and sobbed again, my face bursting into a grin. "He woke up! Cory, Topanga, he woke up! He woke up! HE WOKE UP!"
Topanga got it first. She put a hand over her mouth and squealed in excitement. Cory was longer on the uptake. He hadn't cracked a grin until my second, "HE woke -" But when he got it his face became more elated then a little kid on Christmas. "He woke -" He said slowly, as if not believing his own words. "Oh God! Angela!"
And with that Cory grabbed me and lifted me into the air, spinning me around in a hug. He was laughing ecstatically, and I think I even heard him dry-sob. But unlike me he didn't cry.
"He woke up!" Cory said placing me back down, all of us were laughing. "Topanga he - "Cory said, turning to his wife. She finished for him, her own manic smile on her lips, " - woke up!" And then he threw his arms around her and they hugged and it was sweet. Then both of them had grabbed me and we were in a group hug out in the hall, laughing like maniacs. But we didn't care.
Shawn was awake! He woke up...
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A/N: hiya! :) Yea, so it only took 7 chapters and alot of angst but he woke up! I didn't thik i could take anymore, this reason was the whole reason why I wrote this story. Please review. -FA