Chapter 20: Assassin

A great, hollow, cold emptiness settled on me. It was like sitting and waiting for a rainstorm, hearing the distant thunder rumble while the earth goes deathly still and there's nothing you can do about it except sit…and be quiet…and wait.

This was not like other deaths I'd been through. Mother's death opened my eyes to all the responsibilities I needed to take on; Jet's death made feel inferior for not being able to save him, and caused me to redouble my efforts; these efforts were encouraged when I brought Aang back. Most recently, Hakota's terrible death pushed me completely over the edge. I believed I was in charge of the whole country, and I had to be so or others would end up like my dad. But Aang…what I considered to be his death destroyed my world. For the first time in my life I knew there were things that I couldn't control. I couldn't save Aang.

Admiral Tai found me on the ground, covered in dirt, blood, and tears. He and Azula had been on the ships during the battle too. "My Lady," Tai said; "they've made the mistake of not taking us prisoners. The violence must have disturbed them greatly for them to just walk away and leave us. At this rate, we still have a chance."

"What's the use?" I croaked. "We lost the palace."

"We can arrange lightning attacks and assassinations," Tai replied. "I'm sure we'll think of something. But you have to lead us."

I did not look up at him; I could not find it in my heart to do so. The ground suited my heart right now: it too was filthy, cold, and trampled. "I'm done with this war," I rasped. "Get somebody else to butcher all your soldiers. We lost the Avatar."

"What?" Admiral Tai stood there for several minutes in grief and shock. He was horrified by the news, and he knew that the whole world would share his sentiments soon. The Avatar was dead and a new one had to be found; and that was assuming that Aang hadn't been killed in the Avatar State, which was a likely possibility.

"Come to the caves with us, my lady," Tai said at last. "It's not far."

"Leave me," I protested.

Reluctantly, he did. He would still have a force of some six thousand survivors, if and only if they agreed to follow him. As the sun set, clouds moved in and blocked the vivid colors. By night I couldn't even see the moon. I remained on the hill wide awake and crying, until about midnight, when it started to rain heavily. I was soaked through and through, mud sloshing over my clothes and skin in rivulets. Random memories and dreams and nightmares came to my mind as I fell into a half-sleep, half-faint.

In the morning I woke up cold and alone. I was dirty, sick, and hungry too. I knew I couldn't go back to the palace and face Zuko, Sokka, or Toph. I stood up and felt pain all over my body—bruises from being jerked and grabbed in addition to potentially disfiguring injuries to my feet, thanks to Toph's metal bending. I started healing the worst of it, and then stood up. My red gown and dark sailor's cloak which I had donned for the battle were torn, sodden, and mud-soaked. Whoever saw me would have a hard time recognizing me as the famous Lady Katara.

But Azula did. She was impossible to fool. I saw her standing nearby, leaning casually against tree with her arms folded. Her hair was neatly tied back and freshly cut. A fire nation official combat uniform fitted her malnourished body. "About time you got up," she said with the slightest hint of sympathy. "You looked pretty bad just lying there."

Well, at least she was still loyal to me, I thought. But I was wrong again—I hadn't picked up on the sarcasm in her voice. I turned my back on her to look at the bay again. As soon as I did so, Azula bounded up and caught me in a choke-hold, dragging me down the hill.

Thinking quickly, I bended mud into her eyes. She dropped me, and I demanded, "What are you doing?"

"You should think twice before giving up your command over the army," she answered, calm, cool and ready to strike again. "Admiral Tai didn't last long. I'm in charge now."

"Then go away and lead them," I said carelessly. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"But you're forgetting one tiny thing," Azula told me, raising a finger. "I have my own goals, my own methods. To stand a chance, I need the greatest water bender in the world on my side."

"No." It was one thing if I was calling the shots—another if Azula was. I began stumbling away to the city.

"Where will you go?" Azula laughed coldly. "No one in that city will suffer a traitor like you. Not even your own brother wants you!"

I almost winced. Azula was manipulating me, trying to give me no other option but to serve her. I wished she would stop, but she kept going, picking on my sensitive places with every word.

"Can you face them? You're the one responsible for yesterday's carnage. You ordered your ships to kill the Lion Turtle. You made five hundred ships sink. You caused the death of the Avatar!"

My shoulders slumped. I looked defeated. But as Azula came close to me again, I whirled around and knocked the breath out of her with a kick. "Don't you ever talk like that to me again!" I roared.

Azula caught her breath and unhesitatingly shot blue fire at me. It caught on my coat, which I quickly took off and stamped out. Distracted with that, I couldn't keep Azula from jumping on me and swinging her fits insanely. I shouted, trying to block both her fists and her fire. We both fell onto the ground, rolling cats in an alley. I hadn't seen Azula like this since the day I defeated her. She was screaming like madwoman and trying to kill me without any order or plan. I realized later that this former princess was not wholly stable—she still had insane bouts of fury and emotion periodically.

I kicked her off of me and ran for my life, arms burning with pain from Azula's attacks. But my enemy was fast. She threw herself at me but fell short, managing only to catch my ankle, which she then bit into with animalistic savagery. "Get off!" I screamed, kicking at her head.

The hit must have knocked some sense into her, or else the insane fit passed on its own. Azula's eyes regained their intelligence and she cooled off. "I will make this simple for you, Katara. The only place you can go is the caves on the coast. Go anywhere else, and I'll kill you. In those caves are six thousand soldiers who know that twice their numbers died yesterday…because of you. They'll want to kill you. Logically, I'm your only chance for protection."

"Even if I do leave," I argued, "you wouldn't kill me. I'm too important to your plans."

"Not really. If absolutely necessary, I will do things by myself. You're just a potential helper. Come with me and kill the new leaders under Zuko. Don't come with me, and you die." She was still smiling and looking calm. "Very slowly," she added.

At the time death seemed like a nice option, but something held me back. I submissively walked along behind Azula, knowing that the tables had turned and she was my new master.

In our way to the caves, Azula and I walked along the broad bay. It was very early, and avoiding notice by peddlers and soldiers was easy; there were few around. As the waters of the bay started to light up, I noticed that it was tinged with red. Things, unrecognizable to me in my unaware state, floated in the mild waves. With a shaking hand I touched the slightly crimson water. "It's blood," I mumbled.

"A beast as big as that reptilian cat would have a lot of it," Azula confirmed. "Not to mention the hundreds of dead soldiers that would've been ripped part by the elephant-harks by now."

I felt like throwing up, but I silenced my queasy stomach with effort. To think that by doing this, I had been trying to prevent a petty political dispute. A few small battles put up by desperate noblemen would have ended all conflict had I not recklessly betrayed my friends and organized a full-fledged war. This was my fault. It would have been better to just let the noblemen suffer for a while, as painful as it would be, instead of encouraging their violence to secure their spoiled comfort zones. What an idiot I had been.

Tears flowed down my cheeks, and for no particular reason I waded into the filthy water. Azula did not follow. The world was turning and I suddenly became aware that I was only one small part of it—not higher or mightier than anyone else. The deepness in my deepest soul was stirred by the depth of the ocean, and desperately it cried out to whatever was listening, 'Lest I break, don't let me make the same mistakes. My so-called good is only killing me—slow suicide. The savior cries out now because it is she who needs saving.'

And there in the bloody water I wept my soul out.

**********************

The next few weeks passed without me remembering much of them. I was stressed and depressed, moving like a lifeless puppet under Azula's control. She became an assassin, organizing hit-and-run attacks on Zuko's newly appointed political figures. She brought me with her into the city a lot, so I could cover her while she eliminated the targets. She even forced me to do kill a member of the Royal Circle, which was now called the United Circle and was functioning better.

I remember the day well. It was an early winter night of full moon, freezing cold. I waited in the rafters of a lonely warehouse, and when the man walked past on his way to the palace, I simply blood-bended him inside. A long, sharp shard of ice through the heart was all it took—and he was dead. Today I was even more depressed—it had been a year since my father died. Killing an innocent was a huge moral blow, and for a second I considered putting the ice to myself, but again I managed to ward off total despair. These two things together were terrible enough—but the final blow came when I ventured into the palace. I couldn't resist one look in my dear Aang's room. Afterward I wished I hadn't—seeing it made fresh tears well up in my eyes. How was I to know that Aang still existed somewhere?

I met Azula outside the palace wall. "You treacherous little witch," she said cruelly. "Why were you in the palace? Giving information to our enemies, no doubt?!" She struck me wrathfully on the cheek.

I was in no mood for her cruelty and bossiness today. I pushed her against the wall and froze her in place. "Today is not my day!" I sobbed, running away.

As I ran from the palace my heart skipped a beat—I realized with a shock that I was being pursued. I ran faster, through the city and toward the bay, not even daring to look behind me in my terror. I sped up still more and kept going, out of the city and toward the wild caves a few miles away. Once safely away from civilization, I noticed there no more sounds of pursuit. Maybe I had just imagined it.

I didn't want to go back top the caves; not just yet. I needed time to be alone. All night I wandered through the cold wilderness. Not caring where I went as long as it was away from people. I stumbled through rocky valleys for hours and last rolled down a hill and lay where I stopped. Some time long after midnight, I finally fell into a peaceful drowse.

When I woke up, there was an extra heavy blanket on top of me and a campfire at my feet.