Chapter 8
Chuck said hoping the emotion shaking in his voice was inaudible:" Blair , I was passing through a … hard time. I was drinking , taking drugs , acting….to be numb.
You were making me feel."
Then Chuck coughed nervously.
She knew his cool composure would be back any second , so she needed to grasp this chance to be honest and emotional.
She said:" Chuck , you should go back and live with Lily. She loves you."
Chuck was not looking at her , she doubted he even heard her , he looked pained.
She held put her hands on his face and turned it toward her.
She said:" Chuck –"
He said:"Its been exactly 2 months."
Blair said:"What?"
Chuck said :"Since the day my father…"
She cringed at not remembering that Bart died the 14th of the month.
Today was the 14th.
Abruptly she hugged him.
He found comfort in the smell of her hair
She felt whole with her arms around him.
She then looked into his eyes and said , softly:" I love you."
He looked taken aback.
He said:" Good attempt, but this is not what I wrote."
He regained his composure, from sadness in his dark eyes, to confidence and self reassurance.
Blair felt like her words were nothing to him.
She needed to revenge, her words that were her heart and soul , were garbage to him.
She felt like garbage to him. She honestly forgot about the game , and he thought she just said that to win?
She lied:" This is what I wrote , say them and you will win again."
He said:" You are doing that thing when your mouth doesn't match your eyes . You are lying."
This was the last straw
Blair took one of the chocolates Willow had on the chocolate box she had on her desk.
She thought of how she had to lie ,play a game, and beg to hear three words.
She took another one thinking of how angry he was when he thought that Blair might be pregnant with his child, and the look of relief Serena told her he had when he found out she was not pregnant.
She took another one thinking of how she is in a therapy setting because of Chuck, and how in two settings she admitted that she loves him twice.
She took another one thinking how she had to kiss a guy she barely knew to just see a flicker of emotion in his eyes.
She took another one thinking of how stupid she was constantly worrying about him . Where he was, how was he feeling, andwith whom he was, when she would be damn throwing up.
She took another one , thinking about how she completely loves this guy.
Chuck watched helplessly as Blair ate the whole chocolate box that wasn't even her's.
He wanted to tell her that she was going so over board that this would make her vomit. Then he realized in horror that this was what she was going to do sooner or later.
He approached her and took the chocolate box from her hands.
She said:" What the hell?"
He said;" If you keep it up , you will throw up."
He hated how she looked weak grasping for the chocolate for dear life.
She said:" Maybe this is what you wrote. Maybe you wanted to see me miserable and a mess."
Disbelief came in his eyes as he said:" You may be a mess , but you are my mess. Miserable? You think I like seeing you miserable? Waldrof I'd kill to see that smile of yours"
She smiled then suddenly she ran to the garbage can to throw up.
Chuck looked at her realizing that his girl looked beautiful even when throwing up.
Every painful sound she made as she emptied her stomach , were like a snab of knife in his heart.
He approached to soothe her back , but she said in a weak voice:" Don't look at me when I…"She threw up again.
How can she do this to herself? It was killing him , literarily.
She sat on the ground leaning her head on the wall.
He felt like he've been kicked in the stomach seeing her sitting on the floor in the office , helpless.
She took a breath mint from her purse. He smiled at how Blair Waldrof was always ready.
He is smiling , thought Blair.
Really he was smiling , how can he?
She thought she would be used by now to the fact that he loved her pain. He said so once I so enjoy to see you fail publicly.
She asked meanly:" What are you smiling at? Are you smiling because I look like a mess? Are you smiling cause I just ate a whole chocolate box and threw it up in a therapist's office? Are you smiling cause you Chuck Bass finally succeeded at destroying me?"
He cringed at the words that came from her mouth , and said:" Blair I was smiling at how you are always ready , I was smiling because you look beautiful even when you throw up , I was smiling because you always know how to deal with the unexpected.."
She said:" I wasn't ready for the unexpected , genius. This happens almost every day."
He went and sat beside her on the floor.
He put his hand around her waist as they sat in silence.
He asked, shaking his head: "What were you thinking?"
She said as if in defeat:" You , this is all because of you."
She did not say it in an angry voice or a sad one. She just sounded tired.
Minutes passed in silence.
He said :"I still cant get over that you slept with my uncle."
Her body tensed.
Blair whispered:" I am sorry."
He said:" It is not enough."
She said;" You know I paid for this mistake , okay? If my tears do not count, take my disease as the price , or is that not enough too?"
Chuck looked away.
After minutes her body was still tense , so he asked:" If I told you what I wrote and let you win would it cheer you up?"