Ch2: It's not a good idea to approach a dog with food poisoning
All of a sudden, a glaring spotlight appeared on the stage, illuminating the figure of Princess Kagura who was sitting on a throne. Unsurprisingly, she was munching on sukonbu as usual.
"'Sup y'all," she said in a very unprincesslike manner. She looked around at each of the suitors. "Hmm.... you're a bit better looking than I expected. (Munch, munch.) I haven't really seen a lot of dudes apart from Papi, so I thought you suitors would look like him, but perhaps with more hair..."
"OY!" said King Umibouzu, who had appeared by the throne. "Watch your mouth, young lady!! Or I'll confiscate your sukonbu!!" His wig had slipped a bit when he shouted and was now dangling on the side of his head, revealing a completely bald head underneath. The baldness caught the light and emitted strong flashes of light in the direction of the suitors, who yelped and writhed in pain. "AUGHHH!!" "I'm blind!!! I'm blind!!" they yelled.
"Humph! A bunch of wimps," muttered King Umibouzu, who was oblivious to his slipping wig. "Attention! Princess Kagura is going to announce the second challenge."
The suitors stood to attention, despite tears streaming from their eyes.
"Alright. If you want to marry me, you'll have to love what I love. You've all passed the first test which means you like sukonbu, so congratulations. Let's see if you can pass the second test too." Kagura got up and whistled loudly.
For the first few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the ground beneath their feet started to tremble, with the increasing intensity of an earthquake. Suddenly, a huge, white and fluffy dog crashed through the walls, which crumbled as though made of sand. The dog leapt onto the stage, giving Kagura a friendly lick in the face which to normal people would cause instant suffocation. "This is Sadaharu," said Kagura to the suitors. "Your task for the Second Challenge is to keep him entertained for an hour. Me and Papi are gonna watch your progress from a hidden camera in the other room. If Sadaharu doesn't like you...you're OUT. Good luck!" Kagura waved at them and left the hall with King Umibouzu.
The door slammed shut behind them. Instantaneously, the big white dog turned towards the suitors, baring its teeth and salivating. Its fur was bristling and it looked like it was considering which one to eat first.
While the rest of the suitors stood there not knowing how to 'entertain' this monstrosity, Prince Hata, the purple alien, suddenly stepped out, his arms outstretched towards the creature. "Come here, doggie!" he said, his eyes turning into heart shapes. "Who's a good doggie then? Who's a good -" He never finished his sentence, for the dog had leapt forward, seized Hata's protruding forehead antenna and promptly swallowed the antenna. 'AUGGGHH!!!!" screamed Hata in agony, clutching his head as blood gushed out from the wound. Sadaharu, on the other hand, looked like he had ate something rotten and turned slightly greenish.
"AHAHA!" said Sakamoto, being his usual optimistic-idiot self. "Don't worry about the horn. It'll grow back," he said to Hata. He seemed not to hear Hata's objections of "It's an ANTENNA!! Not a horn!!". Sakamoto approached the dog. "All dogs like to be petted! Let me demonstrate!" he instructed the others. "Good dog.. Nice dog.." he said, stroking Sadaharu's thick, Yeti-like fur. Sadaharu emitted a low grumbly noise in response. Sakamoto took this as a sign of approval and continued to stroke its fur, until the dog suddenly reared its head and puked on him. (Apparently, Hata's 'horn' had not coped well with Sadaharu's digestive system.)
The others watched in horror as Sakamoto emerged from the pool of dog puke. Amazingly, he was still in a good mood. "AHAHA! It's good to de-toxify your system once in a while!" he said to the dog. "I needed a shower anyway. See ya!" He left the hall, leaving a disgusting green trail behind him. "Well.. that's two people out," Gintoki remarked (ignoring Hata's indignant interjections of 'Hey!! I'm still here!!!").
Meanwhile, Sadaharu, who had recovered his attitude after emptying the contents of his stomach, had found a new challenger in the form of Elizabeth. The two alien creatures had their foreheads pressed against each other, staring aggressively into each others eyes. After 10 seconds of the death-staring match, they began to 'argue' which took the form of Sadaharu barking maniacally, and Elizabeth raising sign boards at ultra speed (Somehow they understood each other, although the humans didn't).
"WOOF!!! ARFF!! WOOFF!!" said Sadaharu. (Something along the lines of "Why the hell are YOU in this competition anyway, duck?!")
To this, Elizabeth raised a board on which it had written,"Being human wasn't a requirement to join, you mutt, and FYI, I ALWAYS beat you at every popularity ranking. Eat that!!"
"ARR ARR!! WOOFF!! GROWL!!" ("I'll always be the most popular pet in the series!!")
"WHAAT?!! Are you kidding?! The most popular pet is ME" said Elizabeth's board.
"You call yourself a pet?! Everyone can see those hairy legs under your sheet, you're actually an uncle underneath a cloth, aren't you?!"
This was too much for poor Elizabeth and angry tears began to well in her huge, blank eyes. She raised a board: "I WAS BORN LIKE THIS!!!" Then she whacked Sadaharu on the head with the board and flounced out.
"Elizabeth!!" Katsura yelled after his beloved pet. "She's a very fragile creature! You've wounded her emotions, dog!!" he snapped at Sadaharu. "You'll pay for this someday!!" he then ran out after Elizabeth, calling "Come back!! He didn't mean it!! I still think you're cute!"
Apparently, an hour had already passed and Kagura came back into the hall. "Man, you guys are crap," she said. "Nobody understands my poor Sadaharu. Are you all cat people or something?"
"Um.. Sorry to interrupt, Princess, but your dog is biting my head," said Gintoki. (Okita seemed to get some ideas from this and started sprinking Hijikata's neck with dog biscuit crumbles, trying to tempt the dog without his superior noticing.)
"Anyway, congratulations. An hour's gone, so even though none of you tried to play with Sadaharu, you're all through to the next challenge, all four of you. Glasses, scary man, person who's putting biscuit crumbs on scary man ("OI!!!" yelled Hijikata) and natural perm, you've all passed."
"HEY!!! I'm still here!! What about me?!" yelled Prince Hata indignantly.
"You're too ugly," said Kagura simply. "Everyone else, follow me."
Not knowing what to expect, the four of the remaining suitors, Gintoki, Shinpachi, Hijikata and Okita followed Princess Kagura out of the hall, into the world beyond.
(Next up: the Third Test)
- TBC -