Surprise! I've finally been able to come up with an idea about our next victim—er, guest! (I think Ichigo is more of the victim) Like I promised, this one is about Byakuya, and part of the reason for such a slow update has been that I've struggled the most with him, since he's pretty much a mellow guy and there's not that much to poke fun at.
Anyway, my source of inspiration came when I was chewing gum. If any of you have seen those new "Extra" gum containers, then you'll know that there is some weird suggestion or whatever on it. On the one I just bought a few days ago, it said, "Try explaining the taste of bubble gum to someone who has never tasted it." I sat there, wondering what poor soul had never been exposed to the wonders of bubble gum, and then that thought progressed to what would happen to a person who was experiencing it for the first time, then my mind drifted over to what would happen to Byakuya, and seeing as how I originally wanted to do his chapter with something along the lines of hair—you know where this is headed, right?
Enjoy!
Oh yeah, reviewers! Thanks a bunch: gaara itachi1, CandleLight-Soul, Rawiyah-Taliesin, xXHistsuxSakuXx, and A Bibliophile (3)!
Ichigo lay idly on his bed, wondering who else would be sent to his house as the temporary shinigami representative. He and Yumichika both had enough yesterday at the mall when that girl thought they were going out, and after glancing at each other, they proceeded to scream at her furiously, and Ichigo actually had to hold Yumichika back. The shinigami was prepared to throw the remainder of their food at her, and while Ichigo whole-heartedly agreed, he didn't want to deal with the repercussions.
Due to the experiences of the last few days, Ichigo decided that Hitsugaya was torturing him on purpose, probably to prove the point that him being down there was the best option, and that if Ichigo infuriated him then the little taichou would make his life unbearable.
If this goes on for much longer I'm gonna have to beg Toushiro to stop, not matter how humiliating it is, because I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
The teenager sighed and reached into his pocket for a stick of bubble gum and popped it into his mouth. Once he had chewed it long enough he tried to entertain himself by making the largest bubble he possibly could.
"Ichigo!" Kon wailed, bursting out from under his bed.
"What is it?" he growled, blowing another bubble. Kon watched in fascination as the bubble grew in size until it was almost as big as his head, and then popped.
"Teach me! Teach me!" the plush toy asked energetically, stars in his eyes.
"No way!" Ichigo protested. "It would seal your mouth shu—" He paused and appeared to think it over.
"Actually, here you go," he said kindly, a mischievous smirk on his face as he handed the Mod Soul a piece. Kon appeared to not have noticed and eagerly snatched it from Ichigo's hand before tossing it into his mouth. He chewed in exhilaration for a few seconds, but then froze. The toy waved his arms in the air furiously as he tried to open his mouth. Ichigo cracked up at the sight while Kon's muffled attempts at speech made no sense.
"Gum is sticky! It's something a baka toy can't handle!" Apparently, Kon didn't find his current predicament as funny as Ichigo did, and after a few more futile efforts to free himself, began attacking Ichigo.
"Fine! I'll help you out," Ichigo muttered, holding the plush toy away from his face, disappointed that his fun ended so quickly.
The substitute shinigami thrust his fingers into Kon's mouth and yanked out the majority of the wad of gum out, then searched for some tweezers in one of his drawers before picking out the stray pieces that were left. If he had thought ahead to what the mess would be like afterwards, Ichigo probably wouldn't have played the joke in the first place, because it was more trouble than he felt it was worth.
Suddenly the familiar sliding doors appeared in his room and Kon watched in awe as Ichigo grumbled and tried to guess who it was. To his surprise, out walked . . . Byakuya.
"Hello, Kurosaki," the taichou greeted civilly.
All Ichigo can do is stare. And stare. And . . . stare.
"Wha—what are you doing here, Byakuya?!"
The shinigami's eyebrow twitches slightly. "How many times are you going to refer to me by my first name? I had a free day and was asked by Kenpachi to fill in for a little while." He paused and glanced around Ichigo's room. "And I haven't been down to the human world for a while, so I consented."
Ichigo started panicking, but after a moment's of reflection realized that nothing could go wrong with Byakuya! He wasn't going to try and kill Ichigo on sight—although he had a strange feeling he would if he could—or want to kill everything, he didn't have a narcissistic attitude or would bring Ichigo all around town for useless things, or anything else.
This might actually be a nice day!
"Pull up a chair," Ichigo suggested. He rolled his sliding chair towards the Gotei taichou who calmly accepted it. There was absolute silence as the two stared at each other, not really knowing what to do or say. Surprisingly, it was Kon who broke the silence.
"So you're a taichou, Byakuya?" he asked, walking to the edge of the bed and peering at the shinigami suspiciously.
He nodded. "Although I would prefer you to refer to me as Kuchiki-taichou."
Byakuya's eyes widened in surprise as Kon jumped into his lap and glanced up at him happily.
"Are you related to nee-chan?" he asked with hearts in his eyes.
Utterly alarmed, Byakuya looked to Ichigo for help, who was doing his best to control his laughter.
"Y-yes, Kon. This is her 'brother'," Ichigo smirked.
Kon appeared even more impressed. "Can you tell me when nee-chan will be back? I miss her so much, and I've had to be stuck here with Ichigo for far too long! I need to see her beauty!" he wailed while hugging the noble Kuchiki around the neck.
Byakuya apparently had enough of the toy, so he grasped its torso and flung it against the opposite wall, as far away from him as possible while still remaining calm. Realizing that this was not a person to mess with, Kon picked himself off the floor and hid in the closet, sobbing quietly to himself about when he could see Rukia again.
With the hyperactive distraction out of the way, Ichigo and Byakuya resumed their tense silence, with Ichigo having no idea what to do while Byakuya sat there, showing no emotion at all.
Unable to come up with any small talk, Ichigo continued to blow bubbles with his gum. Byakuya inspected the process intently for a few minutes and then asked, "What is that?"
"Huh? Oh, this?" Ichigo blew a quick bubble for a demonstration. "It's just bubble gum."
"How do you acheive that?" he inquired curiously.
"Blowing the bubbles?" This was beginning to be a strange conversation. Of all the things they had to talk about—bubble gum?
"Well," Ichigo began, scratching his head. "You pretty much just chew on it until it gets soft enough, then position it in between your teeth, and then blow, I guess. It's one of those things you have to learn yourself. Here, have one," he said as he tossed one to Byakuya. The shinigami carefully unwrapped it, handling it with as much care as an archaeologist would with a million-year-old bone, then delicately put it in his mouth. His eyebrows slightly lifted in response to the strange texture and taste, but other than that his expression did not change.
After a few seconds of chewing, Byakuya blew a small bubble that easily popped.
"Heh, you're gonna have to do better than that," Ichigo smirked, showing off with the largest bubble he had blown that morning.
Byakuya watched the process with rapt fascination, then after a moment's reflection, blew a bubble only slightly smaller than Ichigo's and once it popped he glanced at the boy with a small snide expression.
"Beginner's luck," Ichigo scoffed.
"Kurosaki," Byakuya sighed, "I can surpass you in anything."
"You wanna take that bet?" the teenager challenged. "Whoever makes the largest bubble wins!" He turned to the closet. "Kon! KON!"
"What?" his muffled voice came from the closed door, furious at being interrupted in his pity session.
"We need you to be the judge of our bubble gum contest!"
"YOSH!" the plush toy declared energetically, bursting out of the closet with a nice black suit and a tiny, portable microphone. "It is up to me, the WONDERFUL KON, to judge today's competition of Bubble Gum Blowing!"
"Where did he get the suit?" Byakuya whispered, leaning towards Ichigo.
The substitute shinigami simply shrugged. "Absolutely no idea," he whispered back, "but I think it's best if we don't know."
"Get ready!" Kon announced, getting more drawn into his role than he should, "On your mark . . . get set . . . CHEW!!"
On the command Ichigo began chewing furiously to get his gum nice and soft, just pliable enough to expand to make the perfect size, counting on his years of experience to aid him, while Byakuya sat there calmly, no change in his tactics.
"BLOOOWWW!" Kon commanded, after giving them enough time to prepare.
The two shinigami then began to blow their bubbles, willing them to get larger than their opponent, and once they both got as large as Ichigo's head, Ichigo's popped and covered his face. Flustered, the boy angrily plucked it off so he could see. To his amazement, Byakuya was still going, the bubble now twice the size of his head, and Ichigo began to get worried.
"Oi! Byakuya! You can stop now. You won!"
He was not heeded, however, as the bubble continued to grow. Once it was the size of a large beachball did it finally break, sounding like a small firecracker. Ichigo and Kon shielded their eyes, with Kon seeking shelter behind Ichigo's back, and when they felt it was safe to look, they erupted in hysterical laughter.
Byakuya's entire face was smothered in bright pink, sticky gum, some of it touching his hair. For a moment it was as if they were looking at the back of Yachuri's head.
"KUROSAKI!" Byakuya's muffled voice yelled. "GET THIS OFF OF ME!"
"Ju-just use yo-your hands!" Ichigo chuckled, clutching his stomach. "I—it should come off!"
Immediately the shinigami taichou began fiercely yanking the sticky substance off his face, but it was all so thin and sticky that he was only able to get the main part of it on his face off and now it was on his hands.
"Kurosaki, if this gets into my hair you will die," he said darkly. The effect was lost on the intended target because he looked so comical with strings of gum hanging off his face and some of it sticking to his smooth, black hair and white kenseikan that styled his hair.
"KUROSAKI!" Byakuya bellowed, not seeing how any of this was funny at all. The pure anger in his voice was enough to stop Ichigo from laughing, but it wasn't enough to wipe the grin off his face.
"U-um, let's go to the bathroom and—clean you up," Ichigo suggested, doing his best to contain his laughter. Byakuya nodded strictly, trying to regain his dignity.
Ichigo peered outside his door nervously, making sure his sisters or father wouldn't come bursting through any moment, then ran to the bathroom and motioned Byakuya to follow him. Once they made it inside, Byakuya glanced at his appearance in the mirror and appeared mortified.
"It's in my hair, Kurosaki," he hissed. "You had better find a way to get it out or I will personally use Senbonzakura against you to shred you into so many pieces that you will be mere dust in the wind!" Ichigo gulped, not doubting the threat at all.
"I've heard that you need to use peanut butter for hair, I-I'll go get some!" With that he sprinted out of the bathroom and flew downstairs, threw open the cabinets, and snatched the container of peanut butter. When he tried to run back up the stairs, Karin stood there with her arms folded.
"And where are you going with that?" she asked skeptically, not knowing if she should be suspicious or not.
"To my room," Ichigo replied in annoyance. "I was hungry and decided to have some."
"Just straight peanut butter?" She obviously wasn't buying it.
"Yes, and it's very healthy for you," he scoffed, not having time to deal with his sister at the moment.
"Says who?" Ichigo groaned and pushed his sister aside, eager to get the peanut butter to Byakuya as fast as possible so as not to incur his wrath.
"Brothers," Karin scoffed as she continued her way downstairs for a snack.
Ichigo and Byakuya then spent the next ten minutes meticulously pulling out the gum with their fingertips dipped in peanut butter. The former felt incredibly awkward the whole time while the latter's only concern was salvaging his hair.
Once they were finished Byakuya sighed in relief and inspected his appearance in the mirror. He would have to take a bath as soon as possible, that was certain; he couldn't be walking around with peanut butter all in his hair! Appearances were everything for nobility, because it was their duty to serve as an example for all, and proper hygiene was at the top of the list.
He coughed noncomittally. "Shall we return to your room, then?" Ichigo sighed and led the way, making sure Karin wasn't sneaking around anywhere.
I hope it was worth the wait, even though it's been a while. Byakuya was really hard. Sorry it's one of my shorter ones though.
Who should be next?