Title – Lucky

Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(.

Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst.

Rating – T

Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.

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She looked like a sick child, one that lost her parents. Her chest rose and fell in even paces, her arms were limp by her side and her skin was deathly pale that if the steady beeps reassuring him that yes her heart was beating, he'd guess she were already dead. After seeing Debbie Marlin on that metal slab in the autopsy room, so lifeless and such a look a like to Sara… he was haunted every day by his nightmares. Right now seeing her so still and lifeless, with the lack of color and a tint of grey to her skin he shivered just thinking about Sara on that metal slab. Every case he sent Sara on he had to wonder if he'd get that call, the one that would crush his soul.

He sat in the room for hours just sitting with her, holding her lifeless, cold hand. Her dark hair was always a nice contrast to her pale skin, but now it looked uncanny against her milky skin. Dark circles around her eyes and cracked pale lips were the same images he had in his nightmares, and here she lay before just as was.

He was sipping on his coffee when he glanced in the hall way. A few people walked by, he wanted more privacy, but for now Sara was to be placed in an observed room considering her … actions. A little girl in a pink dress was running around asking about her brother, she looked no more then four.

The parents breezed by, the father's face was stony and emotionless, the mother was blotting her eyes. He hated hospitals. He turned around taking another swig of his coffee and almost spit his drink out when he saw Sara's ocher ones looking right at him.

"Sara…" he whispered.

She just continued to stare, giving away no emotion. First she was detached, then as her eyes began to set she frowned, and tears sprang to her eyes. She turned her head away quickly and brought her palm to her face. Her knees curled and he watched as her back shook. She was sobbing… and he felt helpless. He knew why she was in despair… she was mortified.

He sat with her as her sobs broke his heart. How much of this was she holding in? Was this only her embarrassment or was this going deeper? His hand itched closer to touch her arm but she only flinched and he'd pull away. He left her alone but never left her side. They sat like that for almost an hour until Sara basically collapsed from exhaustion and lay on her side, back facing him. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks. This was going way deeper then he imagined.

"Sara honey…" he stroked her back, and the same thing she pulled away from him.

"Miss Sidle!" Dr. Mike strolled in, "You are awake… oh dear." He muttered when he caught a glimpse of her face.

"Mr. Grissom, would you please step outside while I examine her?" His eyes told him everything.

These kinds of patients were feeling vulnerable and didn't want anyone near them. He respected her whishes and left to the waiting room.

The same parents he witnessed earlier were now signing papers, the mother's tears were endless and the little girl in the pink dress still continued to ask about her brother and why her mommy was crying. God he hated hospitals.

He was leaning against the wall as if the white panels could take his frustration away.

"Mr. Grissom?" Dr. Morgan asked coming around the corner. He spotted the CSI and directed him to some chairs near by. Once they were seated he continued, "She's in pretty bad shape."

"Well since we suspect she just attempted suicide I would imagine she would be in bad shape." He added bitterly.

"I am not sure if she will be stable enough to go home… I looked at her file, she got off the hook for a DUI and has had to have sessions with a PEAP. I spoke with the man who was her counselor and told him my plans to send her to a mental hospital. He strongly advised against it, saying with Miss Sidle's history it would not help her any bit. I can't keep her here in this hospital, I am sure this consists of the same thing as a mental one. So I had a long talk with her counselor and he advises staying with her emergency contact."

Grissom's eyebrow rose, stay with him?

"Now I know this may seem like a strong leap but she needs to be with someone familiar, someone she trusts to help her. She will be seeing her counselor three times a week but you will be there at all times to watch her, and keep her away from harming herself."

"But I have a job… I mean I would love to care for her but she doesn't exactly like me at the moment…."

"I know Mr. Grissom this can seem over whelming, but I have taken the liberty of writing out a leave of absence for both of you. I know the fields you work in, but at least a month with her giving her your undivided attention might be what she needs. I wrote a list of things you would need to do, for instance locking up any sharp utensils, knives, scissors, as well as razors. Now I know women do not want to be hairy so you will have to watch her." He chuckled at Grissom's blush, "Perhaps watch her take a bath and explain the severity of the situation, and turn your back, make sure you listen to every detail. Talking helps in cases like this. Chemicals will need to be locked up also."

"Are you sure all of this is necessary? I am sure she will resist." He was shuffling in his seat, growing uncomfortable.

"Oh of course she will resist. She is strong and independent and refuses to admit something is horribly wrong. But it is obvious there is something in her mind that is telling her it's over. This will be no easy ride, but I think after that spell right now, I believe she is so devastated of being caught in this position by you. You are close to her, if not now you will be." He was a speaker, he kept his back straight and made eye contact, especially through the hard parts.

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Sara had a day before being released so Gil took the time to settle things at work, Catherine would be put in charge. Someone from swing shift was being brought in to help the night shift out. He talked to Brass, only small details, emotional breakdown something fatal put her in the hospital and she needs watching over. Dr. suggests Emergency Contact.

Brass didn't say, but he knew what Sara did and his heart went out to her. So many times he thought the same thing, but just kept thinking his job is what kept him going. How bad off was Sara to not realize her fellow co workers would be on her case? How far gone has she been for none of them to realize? He noticed her alcohol addiction, he recognized the signs. The tiredness in her eyes told him she didn't sleep at night, consistent with nightmares and worries. She was always maxing out her overtime and at first it was considered dedication, but now it was obsession.

Sara Sidle was self destructing right before their eyes and they failed to notice.

Ecklie was irritated and explained the lab could not afford to loose two CSI's but could not argue against the medical leave. His despise for Sara ran deeper then Grissom realized. Ecklie knew nothing, only that Sara had a mental breakdown, and what made Grissom sick was that the bastard never asked if she would be alright, just how selfish she was.

After the lab was settled he stopped by the store picking up veggie meat and food he saw her eat on her breaks. After that he went home and tidied up the spare bedroom, making sure to lock up everything the doctor said. It broke his heart to take away Sara's trust, but at this time Sara's life was so delicate…. How easy it is for her to just slip away.

By the time he was finished with everything it was nightfall and as tempted as he was to skip out on sleep he couldn't. He knew Sara needed him alert and plenty energized so he decided on a quick nap before he went to pick her up, this way she will be safe while he slept.

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A mere four hours of sleep was like a full eight hours of sleep for Grissom. He headed off to the hospital. She was waiting for him in the lobby in her outfit she was emitted in. She was frail, but the color was back in her face.

He tried having a conversation with her but she wouldn't answer back, was this how she felt every time she talked to him and he would give her short answer?

She was probably upset, the Dr. Morgan told her about everything how she was going to be watched by Grissom in order to keep her out of the mental hospital. She asked for someone else, it broke his heart. The doctor explained that since Grissom was her emergency contact it was the most obvious choice. If she wanted she could be sent to the hospital, wait for the paper work for a new emergency contact and then wait for a background check and then she could have the new person take her home. It seemed too difficult so she glared at Grissom and went home with him.

They dropped by at her place to pick up all the stuff she would need and once that was done they went straight to his place. She had been here once before when he was suspended. Back then she had blushed taking a peek into his bedroom and having fantasies of them tousled in the bed sheets.

But that was a long time ago, she gave her everything to him, even risked her pride for him and he shut her down. Oh so many times. Whatever they had at San Francisco was dead. She left her life, the ocean, her mother, everything to come to this desert for him. This city filled with sin and selfish people was tearing her apart. How could people be so … evil?

What they had in San Francisco was obviously not just innocent student teacher interaction, they were full on flirting and even shared a brief kiss. They continued to e-mail and stay in contact and she still hoped for more knowing there was something between them. She could feel it, and see the way he looked at her.

When the call came for her asking to join him in Vegas she was so excited, they could probably have a relationship! But as playful and flirty as he was he was not making a move. He broke her heart time after time by asking other woman out even when she asked him out herself.

Her self esteem fell through the roof. She hated it here in Las Vegas, and now that the only person keeping her here showed no interest she decided it was time to leave.

Sara ignored Grissom's words and went straight to the spare bedroom following his finger. She shut the door and lay on the bed praying for the tears to go away.

He would confuse her so, tell her she was beautiful, flirt with her subtly but it was still there and then when she asks him out to dinner he refuses. But the minute the chance comes around he takes Sofia out.

Her love for him will never die, she can feel the connection and knows they would be compatible but without his returning love it would be meaningless. Over time her breaking heart has come to a dull throb which only shows up when she is around him. Gilbert Grissom is the least of her worries at the moment, lately living in this town was bringing back so many memories of her past that it was causing a meltdown.

After a case where they found a dead woman's body battered and bloody near Lake Mead. The woman looked similar to her mother, the way she can remember her. Long waist length hair fair skin and a loving face with too many bruises. The husband beat her for years and she took it, for the sake of her family she took it. As long as the children were safe she continued to stay with him.

One night the husband Richard Allan struck the youngest son and the mother lost it, she struck him back trying in vain to protect her two sons. He beat her to death and tried to make a run for it with the boys but he was caught.

It touched too close to home for Sara, way too close. She struggled with this case. Normally she just became obsessed with the cases of abused women but this one was so similar to her background that she broke down once the case was solved. She went home and packed her bags draining vodka as she went. She hated vodka, it was foul and made her sick to her stomach but at this moment she wanted to be detached from the world as quickly as possible.

Suicide was not her initial plan, she wanted to go back to San Francisco, figure things out back home, but she knew she had to get out of this town before she really did die.

While intoxicated and packing to get away the thoughts started forming. She would be better off dead, her whole life was a joke. She wasn't saving people, the crime rate was growing and they weren't even putting a notch in it. She was drowning in death and her past.

While she was packing she found the pills and popped it open swallowing pills after pills.

Everything was a blur after that. But when she woke up to find Grissom staring at her she knew she had failed at her attempts. She didn't necessarily want to die, she was stronger then that but it just happened… and she was okay with that. But she was not okay with being found in this state of depression and helplessness. The humiliation of being caught in a lie when she said she was fine was demoralizing.

And now she had to be baby sat by Grissom, the man she wanted to get away from the most. She knew she forgot to change her emergency contact. She put him on there as a joke. When she first got hired she didn't know anybody and said well I will just put you so you can come save her.

He laughed, and she smiled as she wrote his name.

She regretted it, for the past year she has been meaning to change it to Jim Brass. He caught on to her when others didn't. That told her something about him that he could possibly know what she might be going through.

She couldn't really place what she was going through herself… so how were others to know? She only knew that lately she felt so tired that she couldn't sleep and so in turn she continued to work day after day. Watching Grissom slowly drift from her and talk to the new girl Sophia was not helping her conflicting emotions. With these cases of abused children and a brutal flash from the past her mind was reeling and nobody was around to help her through it, except for the alcohol.

After a mind rape of a case involving abused, neglected foster children Sara decided to look up on her mother. After years of not speaking or any kind of contact Sara decided it was time. She kept getting distracted by Sophia flirting with Grissom in his office next door. She tried her best to ignore them and drove into her research.

Then when she was suffering from her past and her depression another case came along, a mail order bride case and just as before she fell hard for this case. It grated on her nerves and she snapped at Catherine and Ecklie. She was placed on suspension and Grissom came along where she spilled a part of her life to him. He didn't need to hear anymore, just the basics, she was breaking down and needed to confide in someone.

After that, since she was on her suspension she took off and went to visit her mother. Her mother got out last year and was still living in San Francisco, but now she was living with some women who had bad pasts in China and came to the US to start their lives over. They accepted her mother and she seemed content. She was quiet and reserved but Sara at least knows she was alright living with these women.

They still never talked about that night. Sara needed closure and without it, she was starting to build up anxiety, hence the recent take on pills.

Sara was on a downward spiral and before she hit rock bottom a ledge caught her. It hurt like a bitch, but she would live… unless she scooted off the edge.