Title – Lucky
Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make our own CSI together haha.
Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst.
Rating – T
Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.
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The waves crashing against the Rusty USS was relaxing and majestic at the same time. They have been at sea for a day now and dinner was served in the eating quarters, a rather large table put in a small room. The men would talk about what they have learned or what they are doing here. During the day they would pull sea creatures up and either save them from a horrible death due to pollution or study them for a few hours and then release them into the blue sea. The sun danced off of the waves and their boat danced along. It was truly magnificent, being out in the middle of sea with no lands or other people surrounding them. It was also deadly terrifying and relaxing to have no one around to help in case of danger.
The sights would have been more magnificent if Sara wasn't crouched over the side puking her guts out and having the dolphins follow their boat and swim off every time Sara puked.
Grissom was kneeling on the ground next to Sara taking pictures of sand dollars and telling her to take a look and all she could do was give Grissom, 'are you serious' look. Daniel made his way to the two and smiled sympathetically at Sara.
"I told you to bring your sea legs dear." He looked at her wrist and saw the pressure ball wrist band.
"She's been like that all night. Will it get better?" Grissom asked as he photographed some more.
Daniel sat next to Grissom and they both watched as Sara hurled again. "Yes. One day she will wake up and be perfectly fine, like it never happened."
Gil nodded and picked up the sand dollars and headed over to the side and dropped them back down to be released in their natural habitat.
They spent the whole day yesterday getting to know everyone. Most men were either divorced or lost their wives to death or just on a learning experience. There was only one female on this ship, her name was Emma and she was married to the captain. She was about ten years older then Sara but was sweet and gentle just like a sea guppy.
She told Sara that these men were harmless and not at all like sea men would normally behave. These were just lonely or curious men looking for adventure and knowledge. Some where like family and other's were just like she and Grissom, travelers.
They ate dinner and shared stories. Sara and Grissom stayed silent only observing and when it was time they all left to their sleeping corridors. Grissom slept soundly, but Sara woke up in the middle of the night puking her guts out. And been like that all day.
Grissom was upset that Sara couldn't enjoy the view, especially when he stood up he could see nothing but the vast blue ocean, jumping dolphin's and sometimes he would see flocks of seagulls heading towards land. The air was so crisp and he could even taste the salt when he licked his lips.
After awhile he left Sara on a bench to rest, sun light was what she needed, not to be cooped up in a bed where she would get clammy and have a fever. He joined some marine biologists catching fish, crabs, and a turtle in a bucket of water. Each were studied, examined, documented and sent back to their home. Gil watched in fascination until a red headed Scottish man called him over.
"Eh, ye get over here! I see ye watchin' in interest." Gil was sure his name was Seamus. His accent was thick but He was sure he got his words down.
Grissom nodded, "This is my first time. Her's too," He nodded his head over to Sara who was now sleeping with her arm over her eyes.
A tanned boy nodded, "She your lover?" Todd was his name.
"No she is my colleague, we are here on an experience… although she is learning sea isn't her area."
Seamus laughed, "Give her some ginger tea, we've got plenty. And feed her plenty o' crackers."
Grissom nodded, "thank you, I will do that." He looked over and saw Sara disappeared. He frowned but shrugged guessing she was probably heading down to her bed. Instead of following her just yet in case she needed her privacy he plopped down and copied what the other men were doing. Study, examine, document and send back the sea creatures.
After awhile he stood up and groaned at his aching knees. It was time for him to find Sara. Since it wasn't a huge ship it didn't take him long to get some ginger tea and then head back to their tiny room. He knocked softly and as usually, no reply. He opened the door slowly and he frowned, Sara was on her side lying in bed. She had a trash can by her side.
He sat at the end of her bed and placed his hand on her ankle, she was warm, "Hey Sara… you doing alright?" stupid question but he preferred the formalities.
"You know once when I was about six my father took my mother and I on this boat he borrowed from a friend. At first it was fine, until we got further into the ocean, my parents started fighting … again. I got out of their way like usual and hid under one of the seats. I heard a crack and knew he hit my mother again. It must have been a good one because the arguing stopped." She took a deep breath and moved her hand down to rest on her belly.
"I heard footsteps and I guess at that time I was sea sick also, plus mixed with stress and fear because I threw up on my father's shoes. He was so mad and grabbed me by my hair yelling at me. My mother yelled something about putting me down. So he did. He threw me in the ocean."
All Gil could do was listen even though the anger was boiling in his veins. He hated her past, it broke his heart but he was thankful she was telling him and not keeping it hidden anymore.
"I was a good swimmer, so I kept my head up, I kept screaming begging that I wouldn't be sick anymore but he wouldn't listen. My mother came and started yelling at him again. They ignored me… and I began to sink. I think… that was my first close look at death. I was sinking further in the ocean, too tired to move my arms or legs, my lungs hurt so bad and my eyes stung because I never shut them. My ears and head began throbbing from the sinking… and I think I was ready to die so I closed my eyes."
Grissom's frowned deepened and his brow was furrowed tightly. His fingers were tighter on her ankle. What could he say? He was never good with words. He wanted to take the bad memories away and replace them with childhood memories of playing in the backyard listening to Credence Clearwater Revival playing Barbies.
"The next thing I remember was my father standing over me blocking the sun looking strange… almost… guilty. Laura just kept yelling." She smiled and sat up slightly, "I've always loved the ocean… but that fear of drowning always kept me away. When you brought me aboard I was so excited, because I knew I would be safe with you." She smiled and he returned it, once again reaching for her hand.
"Sara… this probably isn't the best time… but did you know my mother is deaf?"
She cocked her head and stared at him, "no… but … that would explain how you can sign."
He nodded, "My father died when I was nine, and my mother's disease hit her sometime before that so my childhood was mostly lived in silence. I couldn't understand why it was so loud at school and so quite at home."
"Is it hereditary?"
Grissom smiled and nodded, "I was loosing my hearing a few years back, about two years ago. Remember when you asked me out to dinner?"
Sara nodded, "You declined."
"I was afraid. I was loosing my hearing, and without my hearing there would be no career for me. So I began to loose self confidence in myself. That day you asked me, I was scheduling an appointment for surgery."
Her eyes widened slightly and she looked green.
"Need the trash?" when she nodded he handed her the bin and she puked. It sounded painful, especially since nothing was in her stomach anymore.
When she was done she wiped her mouth and muttered sorry, "I wish you would have told me… then I wouldn't have thought you were an ass haha."
"Oh I'm still an ass… for ignoring you all those years. I've treated you bad Sara… and I think when you are ready we should talk."
Sara nodded her head in agreement.
"Oh! I brought you something," He reached over to his bag and pulled out a thermos filled with hot ginger tear, "Here it will make you feel ten times better… or so I'm told."
Sara smiled her thanks and sipped away at the tea until she fell asleep into a comfortable sleep.
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Daniel was right. That night Grissom went to sleep making sure to check on Sara and the next morning he heard the shower running. When she came out fully dressed her cheeks were rosy and the color was back to her skin. She said she felt great and couldn't wait to start doing something other then laying in bed.
After Grissom's shower they joined the other men for breakfast and laughed at the teasing jokes Sara received.
"Forget your sea legs doll?"
"Did the tea help?"
"We thought it was morning sickness for a moment!" Sara and Grissom blushed at that comment.
After breakfast they headed to the main research port on the small ship. Grissom and Daniel showed Sara what they were doing the day before and the twinkle in her eyes was showing. She was happy, truly happy.
When she helped solve crimes her eyes used to shine, she was excited about helping people, not only catching the bastard that killed them, but closure for the family. Now she would just sit there frowning in frustration, forget closure they didn't even need to loose their loved one.
But now she was washing off a turtle's back with Dawn's dishwasher soap smiling and cooing at the small reptile. The turtle's back was covered in oil, must have happened a while ago and they happened to have caught the little guy. She was sitting Indian style with her legs crossed, hair pulled up in a pony tail, and scrubbing away at the turtle's back. She would laugh when his head popped out or coo at him when his claws scratched her.
She was beautiful, and oh so kind. She was a strong, passionate woman and he always believed she belonged in a preschool full of kids or work at a Vet. But she chose a dark profession. Such a sweet soul for a morbid career.
It was taking a toll on her, not only was her past a factor, but he was a factor, and the job was a factor in her breakdown. What bother's him most is that he knows what a troubled past she has and yet he still continued to berate and disregard her. He always knew from her infatuation and drive that her will to fight was strong that … he forgot she was as frail as any human with unsteady emotions.
"Here you go Speedy, all better!" She cooed to the reptile, he was sure she was going to kiss him, but she refrained and set him in the pan ready to go back home.
"Speedy?" Grissom asked, he viewed her silently sitting across from her, brushing off some star fish.
Sara just smiled and picked up a few clams studying them.
After a few more hours taking pictures and hearing Sara's squeals of delights the men packed up and showered, getting ready for dinner. It was around this time that the hot water ran out, so they were left to take cold showers, but nobody complained, because this was where they want to be.
Sara was exceptionally pleased when she found out everyone on board didn't eat meat on voyages. Since meat would rot during their voyage they did not keep any. Fish was an option, but after studying them everyday they refused to eat them, seeing them alive and then eating them did not seem civilized.
Surprisingly Grissom did not complain either, he only complimented on what he was eating.
"So freckles," Todd, the young tanned boy said addressing Sara. He thought she was adorable and intriguing. He reminded Grissom of Greg, "You weren't bothered at all staying in the heat all day and getting dirty… do you do this kind of thing everyday?"
Sara shrugged and ate some more noodles, she didn't want to talk about her career right now… she was already having enough trouble's thinking about going back and facing the embarrassment and pity. "I went fishing a lot." She lied.
"You would'n notice wit your sickness." Seamus gave a laugh that was deep within his belly.
Sara laughed lightly also. These men weren't pigs, they were nice and humorous. She was even forgetting what happened back at home just being out on sea and with Grissom helping her along. She really owed him an explanation. It was the least she could do.
Once the sun set and dinner was over, Sara spent the rest of her evening watching the moon dance across the waters. Weird lights would shine beneath the surface and if she remembered correctly from her marine biology classes it was the chemicals and salts mixing that caused a light show.
Grissom said he was going to read for a bit unless she wanted to sleep. She said she wanted to take a walk. So she did, until she made it to the front of the ship. The view cultivated her, and now understood why back then men would leave their families and sail the big ocean blue in search for adventure, because at night it was just them and beauty.
Sara sighed heavily and leaned against the rails. What a week… being found by her neighbor near death must have been traumatizing. To Sara, she has seen death everyday and knew what it looked like, but she has never seen anyone she knew. She grew attached to the victims and a bond was formed immediately to abused victims but she still never knew them.
She also knew that Grissom and Catherine worked secretly trying to hide her personal business from the lab, but sooner or later, when she got back it was going to leak out and the pity gazes would not seize.
"You look lost dear." Sara turned fast to the voice that pierced the silent night.
Daniel Hanes. "In a way I am." She spoke softly.
The blonde haired man came up and stood next to her, "You know when I first joined this volunteer ship I had just retired and a year after that I caught my wife cheating on me. I left her, I gave her everything, money, children, a home and for seven years she was cheating on me. Once the divorce was final and she was to receive nothing from me, I left and went to sea. It took me awhile but after being out here with these guys for so long my grief subsided. Trust me dear, I know when someone is running from something or confused."
Sara looked at him with sympathy, "Now don't look at me like that, I've wanted that look for a long time, but now… being out here with fresh air and pure nature I get sick thinking about how I used to be. I don't want pity, nor do I want revenge, I just want … to enjoy my life."
Wasn't that what she wanted? She didn't want to be pitied for what she did, she just wanted to get away from it all and start over, start new. "Happiness can only exist with acceptance." She whispered.
"Sorry?"
She turned to look at him once more, "Grissom once told me, that happiness can only exist with acceptance. I don't know why or how, but he must have known … how unhappy I was. I am like you, I do not want pity so he took me away, and I am happier running away."
Daniel nodded, "I have found my purpose out here, when you feel it is right, you will go back home."
Sara nodded and looked back out to the ocean.
"Go on dear, get your rest, when we get to Australia you will wish you had rested." Sara wasn't sure what he meant, but she believed him and went back to her sleeping chambers. Grissom was already asleep so she took her time in the dark getting ready for bed. She stood by the window port and gazed longingly out. She wished things were different. Her whole life was a huge fuck up. It wasn't her fault; she made it the best she could by getting a good education and getting a great career instead of turning to sex and drugs.
She leaned her warm cheek against the cold metal of the ship's walls and let her tears fall. She was a fucking crab. She spent her life acting hard and cold, hating other's who hurt and caused harm. She took them down and sent them to prison, it was her life's goal to lock up people like her parents, and yet she was weak. She was crumbling inside, everyday she got a glimpse of her past and the little girl that would hide under her bed was coming out once again. Sara thought she was dead; she wanted nothing more then for her to be dead. But that just wasn't the case…
Instead she a loud her inner emotions to consume her that night and in turn almost killed herself. She wiped her tears and stood up straight. Sidle was coming back, she was strong and kicked ass, but sometimes Sara got in her way, and caused problems.
"Everyone has problem's Sara…" She whispered to herself and slowly crawled into bed, determined to forget the past and focus on the future.
Sara wasn't afraid to admit it, she needed help. When she had time to think and be by herself she would grieve and have nightmares when she was awake. She would imagine the beatings when faced with abused victims. Sometimes when she saw blood she would get flashbacks of standing there with wide scared eyes in the corner of the room, watching the blood slide to the floor making a sickening dripping noise as it added to the huge red puddle. The iron stench would be forever imprinted in her mind and it made Sara dizzy, yet still she watched and examined the blood.
Sara sat up, she couldn't sleep. And how her thoughts were going tonight she'd be having nightmares all night. Sara didn't want to scare Grissom. She stood up and went to the tiny bathroom where she stored her toiletries. Sleeping pills were hidden in an eye contact container. Grissom took all of her pills away so she had to do something. She took one and swallowed. After mere seconds of trying to make it to the bed she stumbled, she was feeling the affects. Good, she thought, and collapsed on the bed dead asleep.
Grissom's eyes closed the second he heard her waltz in the room. She looked at him and walked to the window apparently thinking he was sleep. She needed quiet time, so he'll pretend for her.
But as soon as he heard her cheek thud against the cool metal and the sniffling his heart went out to her. She grieved during the night. He wanted nothing more then to hold her and take her pain away… but he couldn't because she wanted to be left alone.
He watched as her silent sobs wracked her body, she looked so far away and yet only a few feet away from him. She stood tall and wiped her tears away saying, "Everyone has problem's Sara." It was so quiet but he heard it.
Only the unfortunate ones had problem's like you dear. He thought silently. She doesn't understand that it's okay to hurt, and ask for help. What she had to face as a child is traumatizing and is taking an affect on her adult life.
He watched as she crawled into bed, and tossed and turned for a few minutes before she sat up and went straight to the bathroom and grabbed something from her bag. She popped something into her mouth and the minute she hit the bed sound asleep Grissom knew she smuggled some sleeping pills in. He would find them in the morning, but for now he was glad she was getting her rest. His sigh was for her and as always his heart went out to her.
Whew!! So sorry for this long chapter!! I just kept writing and I was still going on until I realized how long this was…. So I cut it off haha. I love the reviews you guys are sending my way! Keep them up, make my ego as big as Bono's! :D