Title – Lucky

Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make our own CSI together haha.

Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst.

Rating – T

Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.

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Grissom leaned against the door frame adjoining their room to the bathroom and shook his head. Since he woke up three hours ago Sara hasn't moved from her position and he was sure as hell that she was in the same position since she first fell asleep. She lay on her belly and took up the whole bed. Her right leg was curled at the knee coming close to her abdomen, and her other leg was splayed straight but more towards the other side of the bed. Her arms were bent at the elbows and on each side of her. He could see her face, even under that head of hair, she looked content and he almost wanted to let her sleep but ten hours of sleep was more then enough shut eye.

He shuffled over to her and shook her by the shoulder blades, "Wake up now. Come on Sara, time to wake up." But she wouldn't budge. Now he was getting irritated, how many damn pills did she take?

He tried again, harder and this time he got a response, a kick to his thigh and a mutter of incoherent obscene words.

Oh that does it, he grabbed the sheets and pulled them hard away from her, "Sara Sunflower Sidle!"

That did it, her head popped up and her eyes turned to slits once she realized Grissom used the unspoken word. Only he and a few rare select people knew Sara's middle name.

"I'm up… you didn't have to go there." She grumbled. She hated her name. Her parents were probably high on weed when they named her. True hippies they were. They owned a Bed and Breakfast in Tamales just a few miles from San Francisco and had huge fields of golden corn crops and weeds. When Sara wasn't being punished she would spend her days running through the fields getting sweaty and dirty. She would sing songs like California Dreamin' or San Francisco (Be sure to wear flowers in your hair). Then night would come and she would be punished for getting so dirty. But it was worth it. Her middle name was a reminder of her hippie past, but secretly… even having to endure the abuse she was still happy to have been a hippie.

In fact during her day journeys she learned to be appreciative of bugs and more loving towards the animal kingdom. That was why she secretly liked her middle name… maybe if she hadn't lived the life she hadn't she wouldn't be who she it today, a strong, willed, passionate CSI. Although… she probably wouldn't have break downs…

Grissom looked at her with a frown and held his hand out, "where are they?"

She sat up cross legged and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "Where are what?"

"Don't play stupid with me Sara, I'll go search everything you have if I have too. The pills, where are your sleeping pills?"

Sara's chin fell down, she has been caught, "Griss… I can't… I … they help me sleep. I swear I only have a tiny bit."

Grissom sighed heavily and sat on the edge of her bed facing her and set her sheets back on the bed, "Look … I know they help you sleep but… Sara you will grow an addiction. You probably already have. Give them to me, If I see you absolutely can't sleep then I will give you them."

She looked appalled, and who wouldn't he was treating her like a child. But he had to protect her and right now that was keeping her away from pills that could very well put her system into shock. She just had her fucking stomach pumped!

"Please." He added giving her those sad marine blue eyes.

She gave that defeated sigh and stood up walking towards the bathroom. Fine, she would give him the pills… he was right. She was becoming dependent on the damn things. They gave her dreamless sleep though… if anyone were in her shoes they'd want them too. She grabbed the contact case and handed them to him and slammed the bathroom door shut.

He flinched but this was for her own good. He couldn't have her popping pills to help her sleep every night… this is what got her here in the first place.

He heard the water running in the shower but since he was so close to the door her sobs were unmistakable. His heart felt heavy again. He leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor feeling horrible again. He hated to hear her cry… he hated anything that made Sara upset. He laughed at the irony at that. He was constantly upsetting her. He couldn't just grab her by the arms and crash his lips on hers and make every little bad thing she felt go away. It didn't work that way! He was her boss and she was his subordinate. They both had issues they need to work on, both were work-a-holics and both too stubborn to even listen to each other.

He put his face in his hands, god he was an idiot, they were perfect for each other… so why was it so hard to tell her? He wanted nothing more then to be her friend, to protect her, to guide her and love her as far as a supervisor can. And he does do all of that… at times. He thumped his head on the wall and came to a conclusion, he was sick of running from her, he stood in the rain before, and he will do it again. If she came to him in hopes of a relationship then he will take her. He won't pursue her and confuse her. He will wait for her, after all he messed it up in the beginning so for him to pursue her on his own time would just be greedy. No…. Sara had to come to him.

Stupid! So stupid! She got caught, of course she got caught, he was one of the top CSI's in the US. She let the cold water rush over her body, she was shivering and that made the tears show up easier but at this point she didn't care. She was so embarrassed. Not to mention so ashamed. She slid to the bottom of the stall and sat trying to contain her emotions. She was not weak and would not cry. Stop it! She yelled at herself. If she could deal with having her jaw bashed in as a child then she could handle shame from Grissom.

Who was she kidding? Any negative thoughts from Grissom were torture on her psyche.

After her shower she toweled off and got into clean clothes, Grissom was on his bed thumbing the contact case and looked at her as she appeared hair wet and curling around her cheeks.

"I um… I'm sorry for getting angry at you." And left it at that, she didn't need to go into a whole pity party about how every choice he has made it best for her. She wouldn't admit she needed help right now.

"Sara…" he picked up the white case and handed it to her, "I trust you Sara. I am not going to lie that last night when I saw you pop the pill I freaked and sat up listening to you breathe the whole night, making sure you were still breathing. But… in my personal experiences dealing with things like this I think… trusting you will be a better choice in helping you recover. Besides I think my disappointment in you would hurt worse then a reprimand if you chose to go back." He smirked passively.

Sara smiled and reached for the case feeling pride again. God what wasn't there to love about this man? She had that confident smile, the one that told Grissom she had just put some asshole away to jail and chucked the pills out the port hole away in the ocean.

"You're right, I don't need them, just when I can't sleep your staying awake with me." The smirk on her face told him she was serious.

He gave her an arched eyebrow and stood up, breakfast?"

"Starving."

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After breakfast the scientists gathered and did some more studying. Tonight would be their last night on this ship and mark the arrival in Australia. Then the occupants would do some land research, that is where Grissom and Sara split off. They are heading on their own journey, getting home will be by plane once they are done in the rainforest.

After hours of having an overcast day filled with laughs and jokes they cleaned up and went for dinner. By the time Grissom and Sara left the eating table they were surprised to find it raining steadily.

"We're getting closer to land, rainclouds form better near land." Grissom explained.

Sara shivered and wrapped her fingers around her upper arms, "The wind sure is crisp."

"Come on, we'll spend the night watching the storm in our room." After a sharp jerk from a strong wave crashing onto the side of the boat Sara agreed and followed Grissom down the stairs to the safety of their room. She smirked at that thought, they were floating in the middle of nowhere with only metal shafts protecting them from drowning.

Grissom was ahead of her and she was walking slowly along… thinking and reliving memories. The sway of the ship was rambling her brains, and thoughts. Her eyes would shift to the rusty pipes and water stained iron walls. The smell was brining back memories, iron casting off of the walls, the noises and creaks reminded her of the many footsteps in the house trying to get the little girl away from the scene.

So many incoherent voices were speaking to her, but she could not understand them. The men on the ship were talking and again they weren't making any sense to her … all she could remember was voices speaking to her.

She never realized that she stopped in the middle of the ships hallway staring off into space until Grissom's warm fingers grasped her around her wrist.

"You okay?" She looked at him with hazy eyes and nodded.

"I'm fine,"

"Really? Because I have been calling you for over two minutes."

Sara frowned, maybe it was time she explained everything to him, told him for once what she was feeling instead of covering up with an, 'I'm fine'.

"Grissom? I think… we need to talk." When his eyes reached hers he knew what she meant and he nodded leading her back to their room. Once there he sat down on his bed and waited for her next movement.

She walked over to the port hole looking outside where a dangerous, yet amazing storm was.

"When I was younger… I have always considered suicide. But I would read mystery novels all day long and knew I never wanted to have my body found and discovered. I didn't want my secrets opened up like that, everyone would know what a life I had and take pity on me instead of see the real me. They would just see the abused girl. So I kept telling myself it would get better, just wait."

She took a moment before continuing and Grissom waited for her, "I have issues, I have some serious issues… and I … I have ignored them for the longest time." She was keeping her back turned from him purposely, "As time goes on I see these abuse cases and I get flash backs of my past. They just keep hitting me and I can't stop the memories, they get stronger and stronger until… I can't focus anymore all I see is justice. I loose my sense of time and reality as I dig into these cases."

Sara turned around to face him and his heart broke when he saw her cheeks were flushed and her eyes shinning bright with unshed tears. "When it's over the thoughts are still there. I go home and drink myself to sleep but the nightmares consume me. You have to understand that when somebody is put under that much negative and trauma it is hard to see clearly."

She wiped furiously at her eyes and sat heavily on the bed across from Grissom. "I have been fighting this for a very long time Grissom and lately… god I hate to sound as if I am begging for pity but I'm not. Lately the way you have been ignoring me has gotten to me. You see I've had … men in my life but it seemed our relationship was only based on sex. But with you… you see me for my brains, you have an understanding of… something in me."

It was true, he saw an intelligent young girl in his class and the minute she gave him the time of day requesting more knowledge he knew he wanted to know more about this girl. Time went by he became obsessed with her, he wanted her to learn more, he wanted her to be his pride and joy and show her off to every CSI he knew. But that was a stupid fantasy, she is fifteen years younger and it would never work out. So he pushed her away, knowing she was starting to show some sort of fascination with him. He knew she just wanted a mentor figure since she never really had one.

"As time went on I wanted your approval and knowledge," She continued to talk, "I craved your compliments but then you started to push me away and see me every single day but not really seeing me. I would go by day after day and watch you walk in the halls of the lab and you would just ignore me. Before I would be able to handle cases because you would be there at the end of shift to give me some kind of knowledge to mull over."

"The last few months were hell, my drinking was getting worse and my past was coming at me full force. I had no comfort and no friends to talk to. I planned to leave, pack up everything and leave, get away from Vegas. I was so scared of walking away from life that I kept drinking to calm myself, I don't remember much but apparently I must have gotten into the pills and you know the rest."

"Sara…" He didn't know what to say. She was right, he was a total asshole. He ignored her for his selfish reasons, he didn't want to get into trouble and he didn't want to lead her on. So instead of being her friend he became a jerk.

She stood up and walked over to his bed. His heart was thumping hard against his rib cage and he prayed she wouldn't sense his fear. She leant on her haunches and smiled, "My problems shouldn't involve you. You taking me out here I appreciate it, I love it, I can forget and just live but, you do not have to feel guilty about anything."

She must have sensed the doubt in his eyes because he felt her finger on his chin, he flinched ever so slightly, "Gil?" he looked at her surprised, she has never used his birth name, "do not feel guilty, just remember what happens or has happened has nothing to do with you, my problems run deep into my core. All I ask of you is to be my friend, and if you feel you can not do that then it is okay."

Whatever she said got to him and he wrapped his arms tightly around her pulling her tightly between his legs and perfectly against his chest. Feeling her body shake against his and feeling the wet warmth spread on his shoulder he too broke down and help her tight as he felt that horrible throb in the back of his throat as he tried desperately to swallow his sob. But it escaped and he just held her tighter. His fingers were buried deep into her hair cupping her neck. She wrapped her long arms around him and cried harder.

Whatever pain they have been holding was being released. Sara was thankful for the comfort, she needed someone to cry on. Not once in her life has someone held her comforting her and told her it would be alright, not ever, not even when she still dated. When she left Hank nobody was there to comfort her, not even Catherine, she just bought her a beer and called it a night.

Grissom felt so ashamed and the fear of loosing her forever prodded at his mind. So he held her tighter and just let the tears flow. Because even though his mother held him and comforted him while he cried when his father died he has never taken comfort in the arms of another person and he was sure as hell that Sara has never been hugged like this in her life.

"I didn't mean it." She whispered her hot breath against his neck sending cold shivers down his spine. "I didn't want to die… I just wanted to sleep."

"I know." He stroked her hair.

"I just couldn't take the images anymore."

"I know."

"I didn't mean it." Her voice was now hiccups.

Hey guys, sorry this chapter is so short and it took forever to get out. I got kind of stuck but I think we are ready to move this story foreword. I just needed a little shove. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and ideas, keep sending them a long I love them!