August
sunday august 23rd
my bedroom
raining (what else is new)
10:00am
My father has his stupid friend Freddie round today. Naturally they head up to my room at 9 in the morning to see what I was up to. I mean honestly, 9am during the summer! What do they think a 15 year old girl is doing?!? SLEEPING, duh!
Freddie's really quite bald and thinks he's hilarious. I swear if he asks me "Should bald heads be buttered?" one more time, I may shoot him. What does that even mean? I really want to yell at him, "I am 15 bloody years old! I am bursting with womanhood, I wear a bra! It doesn't matter if it's a bit loose, or if it rides up round my neck while I run for the bus. It's still a bra and my womanly potential is there!" But I think that may be a bit harsh…
Speaking of breasts, I'm currently worried I may inherit what the rest of the females in my family have, the uni-boob. It's like a shelf up there; they're so big you can balance things on them! Mum certainly uses it as one. At parties and things like that, she'll rest a sandwich, a drink, and a wee snack for later on it. It's very attractive, note my sarcasmness. I'd like a fair amount of breastiness. You know, like Mary Shell at school. I almost has a nervy-b (nervous breakdown) last year in phys-ed while everyone was changing. Mary's bra looked like 2 shopping bags sewn together! I certainly think she has an unnatural level of hormones in her body…. But I must admit, it's quite amusing watching her run. I'm surprised they don't come up and whack her in the face. Mitchie calls them 'bosoomer's'. Well, only the really big ones like Mary's….
still in my room
still raining
still Sunday
11:30am
I don't understand why I'm not aloud to have a lock on my door! Every time I bring it up my parents pretend to not hear me or just shake their heads! It's like living in a house full of broken neck deaf people! Or bobble heads, or a house full of…anyway… long story short, I NEED a lock on my door and my necessities are not being met by my parents. I really should call Children's Aid on them….
"But, why not?" I asked Mum reasonably, even though she says I whined. Which I did not!
"Because an accident might occur in your room and we couldn't get in."
"An accidently like what, pray tell?" I pressed.
"Well…you may faint."
Then dear old, dreadful Dad joined in on the action as well. "You might set fire to your bed and be overcome by fumes." Honestly, fumes?
What is the matter with parents? I know, they just don't want us teens to be put on the path to adulthood. That would mean they would have to go on with their own lives and leave me alone. Can't do that now, can we? Nope, we have to ruin Caitlyn's life! It's top priority!
still Sunday…oh joy
11:35am
There are 6 things very wrong with my life:
1. I have one of those under-the-skin painful pimples, that will never surface your skin but lurk in a red way for the next 2 years.
2. It's on my chin. THE BIGGEST MOST ANNOYING PART OF MY FACE!
3. I have a 3 year old sister, Missy, who may have used my room as her own personal toilet…. But I'm not sure.
4. In 15 days the summer hols (holiday) will be over and then it will be back to AGWP (All Girls Westdyed Prep) and Mrs. Evil-Pants (Principal Jenkins), equipped with her evil group of sadist 'teachers'.
5. I am very ugly and need to go into an ugly home.
6. I went to a party dressed as a cocktail weenie.
11:40am
Okay, that's it. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I found an article in Mum's Cosmo about how to be happy when you are unhappy. Sounds perfect for me, right? The article is called "Emotional Confidence." What you have to do it Recall … Experience … and HEAL! So you think of a painful incident and you remember all the ghastly details of it. Sounds pretty bad, but this is just the recall part. Then you experience the emotions and acknowledge them and then you JUST LET IT GO! Sounds easy enough…
2:00pm
Freddie has finally left! He actually offered to let me ride in the side car on his motorbike! Are all adults mental!?! I'm not 5! What am I supposed to say? "Sure Freddie, I would love to go in your sidecar and with a bit of luck the whole school will see me with some mad man and that will be the end of my social life! Thank you so very much!"
4:00pm
Mitchie came over. She was going on about how it took her forever to shimmy out of her skin tight catsuit after the fancy-dress party yesterday. I could really care less, but I took the high road and asked her why. That's me, always the polite thoughtful one…
"Well, the guy working at the dress shop was really cute," she answered. Like that was an answer!
"Yeah, and…?"
"Well, I lied about my size. I got a size 1 instead of a 3," she said sadly, like she was the fattest person on earth. I'd kill to be that size! I'm a 3 and a half! Half a dress size makes a huge difference!
I then told her about the Cosmo article and we spent a few hours recalling the party, otherwise known as 'the painful incident', and experiencing the emotions in order to heal. All though she has no healing necessary, other then those marks left on her neck and waist where the catsuit cut off her circulation.
I blame Mitchie entirely. It was my idea to go as a cocktail weenie, but she didn't stop me like proper BFF would do. In fact, she encouraged me. She helped me make the whole costume. It was even Mitchie's idea to die my hair, face and neck the color of a weenie. It was a good laugh in my room before the party though…. The trouble didn't start 'till the stairs. It was quite hard to bend my knees, making walking down stairs difficult. Then I had to walk back up them after my shitzu Molly had a wee tinkle on my shoes. I then proceeded to go BACK UP the stairs, change my shoes and go back DOWN the stairs.
She really is completely nuts though, Molly I mean. I got her during a trip to New York with my family. I should have guessed she would be trouble when I picked her up and she shredded my hoodie to pieces. But she was such a cute little thing. Even as a puppy she looked like a small Labrador, when she was supposed to be a very small dog. I had to beg for 3 hours to get her.
"She'll die here in the pet shop; she has no real owner or mommy or daddy!"
My dad thought he was hilarious in saying, "She probably ate them." Honestly, he can be so callous. I worked hard on convincing Mum since she was usually the deciding factor, and by the time we were in the car for our 16 hour drive home I was holding Molly in my arms; while she scratched them up. I used to take her for walks, but know I'm not aloud. She 'provokes' other neighborhood pets and ate her leash.
Anyway, after my Molly incident, I couldn't get in my Dad's Volvo. "Why don't you take the weenie bit off? You've still got a shirt and tights on underneath, right?"
Really, what's the point? I said, "Dad, if you think I am going to sit next to you in a T-shirt and tights, you're mad!"
He got really angry like parents do when you point out how useless and stupid they are and said, "Well, then I guess you'll have to walk. I'll drive along side you with Mitchie and you can walk on the side walk."
"If I have to walk there, why don't Mitchie and I just walk there alone?"
Well, he then flipped his lid. "Because I want to know where you'll be and that you're safe! I don't want you wandering the streets at night!"
"Yeah, 'cause I'm really gonna go party at some club in a cocktail weenie costume!"
Mitchie smirked, but Dad turned bright red with anger. "Don't you give me lip, otherwise you won't go anywhere!"
At this point, I honestly didn't care.
When we finally did arrive at the party (I walked alongside the car which was driving at 5 miles/hour) I had a terrible time. Everyone laughed at me but then more or less ignored me. At one point I had a sudden urge of confidence and began dancing by myself, but when I began knocking things around me over, the host asked me to sit down. In the end, I was at the front door waiting outside for my Dad for a full hour.
Mitchie, on the other hand, had a wonderful time. She said she was surrounded by boys dressed as Tarazans, Robin Hoods and James Bonds.
In a spur of the moment surge of jealousy I blurted, "Well, I could have been surrounded by boys as well if I hadn't been dressed as a weenie!"
"Caitlyn, you thought it was funny, I thought it was funny…. It was all great, but you need to remember that boys don't think girls are for funniness."
She gave me one of those all knowing and mature looks. What the hell did she know about boys, anyways? She didn't have a boyfriend…
"Oh yeah, so that's what they want, is it? Skinny, booby girly-girls in catsuits?" I said annoyed.
"Yes, yes they do. They want girls who are soft and not so, well…you." I gave her a glare before she stood up from my bed suddenly. "I have to go. We have an early supper tonight," she said lamely. Early supper? Come on…
11:00pm
I can already feel myself getting fed up with boys and I haven't even had anything to do with them yet.
midnight
I really hope I don't have to be a lesbo…
12:10am
What do lesbians do for well, you know…the…oh, don't make me say it…
How do lesbians have sex, exactly?
monday august 24th
5:00pm
I haven't gotten any phone calls today. It's like I'm dead. I think I'll turn in early tonight…
5:30pm
Missy, my little sister, just climbed into bed with me, snuggling up to me. She's really nice, although a bit smelly…
7:00pm
Ella and Peggy called me! They took turns speaking to me on Ella's new cell phone…a new present from her dad, who is never round. The poor life of Ella…. Hope you caught my sarcasm. I wish I had a rich Dad who was never around and bought me stuff…
We're going to meet up in town tomorrow. Should be fun…at least I'll have someone to talk to rather then Smelly Missy and Molly.
10:30pm
Wearing a face mask made from gross, sticky egg yolk. Gotta look good incase we see any hot guys tomorrow
tuesday august 25th
9:00am
Woke up and I thought I had some weird skin disease. It was quite frightening, my skin was all tight and I couldn't open my eyes properly. Then I remembered the egg mask…must have fallen asleep with it on…
11:00am
Talked to Ella and Peggy and arranged to meet at the local McDonalds before our walk through town. We agreed we would all dress 'rocker casual,' so I'm wearing some black converse, gray skinny jeans, a cool colourful top, with a tight fitted hoodie. I'm going for the Taylor Momsen look which is quite sad, because:
a) I'm nothing like her
b) I haven't got blonde hair, which is, as we all know, her trademark
I would have blonde hair, but my house is quite like a jail cell. My dad has the mentality of a BooBaa (you know those annoyingly fluffy colored creatures that say "BOOBAA" on TV?) only not so developed. I said to my Mum, "I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde. Do you recommend any products?" She went on dressing Missy, like I hadn't said a word. Dad on the other hand went ballistic.
"Your 15 bloody years old! You've only HAD it for 15 years…. How bored are you going to be with your hair by 30? What color will you be up to by then?"
He really does seem to be making less and less sense lately…
"That's odd, I thought I heard a noise…must be my imagination," I said to my Mum, completely ignoring my Dad.
As I ran from my house I could hear him going on about how being sarcastic and being able to apply eye liner in a straight line wouldn't get me anywhere in life. Honestly, this wasn't about my amazing sense of humor or about how well I could do makeup. I thought it was about dying my hair blonde!
noon
Me, Ella and Peggy walked up and down Main Street, only speaking French. It was hilarious asking passersby for directions, when they hadn't a clue what we were on about.
Then, this really cute boy walked by. Ella and Peggy refused to go up to him, but I did. I'm not too sure why, but I did.
"Excusez-moi. Je suis francaise. Je ne parle pas l'anglais. Parlez-vous francais ? "
Luckily, he looked completely flabbergasted. It was quite adorable.
Anyway, McDreamy said, "Are you lost? I don't speak French, I'm sorry."
I gave him my best confused face.
"Look, don't be frightened. Follow me."
I looked back at Peggy and Ella, who both had looks of shock on their face. He was the cutest thing and he was taking ME somewhere. Not for very long though. He took me into a French café, where he left me to 'speak' to the lady behind the counter who was French.
8:00pm
In bed. The French woman went on for centuries. I nodded for as long as I could possibly stand before getting really bored and hightailing it out of the café. The gorgey (gorgeous) boy looked really surprised by my actions.
I really will have to dye my hair now if I ever want to go shopping in town again.
wednesday august 26th
11:00am
I officially have no friends. Not one single friend! No one has called, or showed up at my house. Mum and Dad are at work and Missy is at Daycare. I may as well be dead.
Perhaps I am…. I wonder how you would know if you were dead? If you died in your sleep and woke up dead, who would let you know? Ah, the senseless ramblings of Caitlyn Gellar!
But, just think about it. It could be like in that movie where you can see everyone, but they can't see you 'cause your dead. Oh, whoa! I've really creeped myself out now!
noon
I wonder… if I did die, would anyone show up. I supposed Mum and Dad would. They have to…and besides it would be their fault I was depressed enough to commit suicide.
Why can't I just have a normal family like Ella and Peggy? I mean, they've got normal brothers and sisters. Their dads have weird beards and lawn mowers. Mum won't let Dad use a lawn mower since last summer when he nearly ran Missy over. Not that anyone would really miss her….
When the plumber came about to fix the dish washer, he said to Mum, "What idiot wired this thing up? Was it someone who really doesn't like you?" It was Dad. Instead of being a good handyman and all that jazz, my Dad talks about his feelings. Why can't he be a proper dad? He really is pathetic!
I don't mean I want to be all old fashion, the man all tight lipped and physical. I want my boyfriend to be emotional… but only about me. I want him to be like Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. But it doesn't really matter. I'll never get a boyfriend because I'm too ugly.
2:00pm
Looking through the old family photo albums. I'm not so surprised I'm ugly anymore. Dad was a terrifyingly ugly child. His chin was huge too. It took up half his face. In fact, he was literally just a chin. Could have attached arms and legs to it and sent it off to school.
10:00pm
Missy has just woken up and is forcing me to let her into my bed. It's not half bad…although she does smell a bit like hamster.
midnight
I was having the most amazing dream where a gorgey boy was carrying me through the warm waters of the Caribbean. Turns out it was just Missy peeing on my leg.
Changed the bed sheets. Missy wasn't bothered in the slightest with the wet sheets and pajamas. In fact, she slapped me in the face and called me a 'Bad Boy'.
thursday august 27th
11:00am
I've just started freaking out about what to wear for the first day back at school. It's only 11 days away now. I wonder how much makeup I can put on my ugly face before it looks unnatural. I hate my eyebrows though. There is no makeup to cover those two caterpillars up. Well, it's really just one long one… I must find Mum's tweezers. She hides things from me now because I 'never put things back'. I'll have to look through her drawers.
2:00pm
Found the tweezers. Why Mum thinks I won't look in Dad's tie drawer is beyond me. I did find some other very interesting items in there though…. Some apron like-thingy. I really hope Dad is not a Tranny. I don't think I could put up with that. Me, Mum and Missy watching as Dad shuffles about the house in one of Mum's little nighties…ugh, gag worthy!
God, plucking is pretty painful! I need to take a wee break. The pain is awful and it's making my eyes water.
2:30pm
I've only plucked about 5 hairs and my eyes are swollen to twice their normal size!
4:00pm
Forget this! I'll use Dad's razor.
4:05pm
It's a bit sharper then expected. I've taken off quite a bit of hair with just one stroke… I'd better even out the other eye as well.
4:16pm
Fuck this! It looks alright… I think, it looks like I'm a bit surprised in my left eye. I'll have to even the other one out now.
6:00pm
Mum nearly dropped Missy on her head when she saw me.
"What the hell have you done, you stupid girl!?!" she yelled at me. Isn't she nice…?
God, I hate parents! Me, stupid? That's like saying the Pope is athiust! Parents are so stupid! She just wishes I was still 4 so she could dress me up in ridiculous clothing and rule my life.
7:00pm
When Dad came home from work I could hear Mum and Dad talking about me.
"She WHAT?"
I then heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
"Caitlyn, what on earth have you done, now?"
I kept my head under the covers, refusing to look up at him. "At least I'm a real woman!" I shouted at him.
"What the shit it that supposed to mean?"
Honestly, he is so dense…
10:00pm
Maybe my eyebrows will grow back over night. It can't take THAT long, can it?
friday august 28th
11:00am
Eyebrows are still M.I.A. Not that they were ever in action… or missing, because I know exactly what happened to them. Okay, so they aren't M.I.A. then, they just still haven't grown back. Poo!
11:15am
Mitchie just phoned and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her today. Apparently there is this new makeup that looks so natural, it's like you've got none on!
"Do they by any chance have eyebrows?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"You know, those hairy bits above your eyes!" God, Mitchie was stupid sometimes!
"Of course they haven't got eyebrows. Who needs spare eyebrows? Everyone's got them," she responded.
"I don't. Not anymore at least. Shaved them off with my Dad's razor by mistake…"
"Don't move! I'm on my way!"
noon
When I opened the front door Mitchie just sorta stared at me rudely.
"You look like an alien," she said to me.
She really is quite stupid. She's more like having a dog than a friend, actually.
6:00pm
Mitchie left. Her brilliant idea to 'help' me was to draw me some new eyebrows with eyeliner. I obviously can never go back into public. I really look like an alien now!
7:00pm
Dad is seriously the most horrible father ever. He simply walked into my room, looked at me, began laughing and then walked out. But not for long. He came back. But not alone. He brought Freddie to come look at him. Freddie laughed just as hard as Dad did. He then decided to make a joke about how if my eyebrows don't grow back we can go into the showbiz and imitate billiard balls. Isn't he just the funniest? Note the sarcasm, once again.
8:00pm
The only caring person in this house is Smelly Missy. She stroked my forehead, where my eyebrows once sat and kissed them. She then brought me a dog treat and said I was a 'good boy'. FML
You know what, I'm going to turn out just like Miss. Poxy my biology teacher. She is ancient and still single. I should probably start taking notes:
-Have cats and warm milk
-Wear huge underwear
-Listen to the radio
-Be interested in…things that are not interesting
God, looking at the list just makes me cringe. I may as well kill myself. I can't be bothered to though. I'm too depressed.
saturday august 29th
10:00am
Mum and Dad went into town to go shopping today. Mum offered to buy some school shoes. I then looked down at her shoes, and declined the offer. I mean, honestly! It's quite sad that someone at her ancient-ocity still tries to keep up with the younger, more fashionable half of the population. Yesterday she tried to wear some low-rise jeans. I saw her HUGE underwear. So did everyone else…
11:00am
Ella, Peggy and Mitchie just phoned and said they are on their way to my house. They are just in town and apparently Mitchie's seen a guy she really likes. I guess this is just the beginning of my Miss. Poxy life. I shall stay at home and live vicariously through my friends with boyfriends and beauty.
noon
Just read an article in 17 Magazine and it had a list of kissing techniques, photos and all. But, I'm still a bit confused. How do you know where to put your hands, or what side to lean to…. Life is such a mystery, especially when it comes to boys. Not that it really matters if I know these rules and techniques. I'm staying in my room for the rest of my life. The only way I'm getting a boy is if one wanders off the street, into my house, up the stairs and into my room. Fat chance of that happening…
12:15pm
Since I will never leave my house again, I should probably use my time wisely. I think I may organize my room.
12:17pm
God, I hate cleaning. I've already given up.
12:18pm
If I ever get married and get my own house I am definitely hiring a maid. I'm terrible and this 'cleaning' business. Mum says I'm just lazy, but the truth is I can't tell the difference between tidy and untidy.
Mum'll ask me to tidy the kitchen. So I walk in, look around, see some things in the sink, a few bowls scattered on the table. It's not THAT bad, so I consider it tidy. Apparently Mum does not and that's how the fight begins.
7:00pm
Had a brilliant afternoon with the girls. We all tried on different makeup and such. But Mitchie, the totally senseless and unthinking girl that she is, says my lack of eyebrow makes me look like I've escaped from the loony bin. How rude, right?
Ella, the makeup guru says if I play up my mouth and grow my bangs a bit longer the attention will be drawn away from my eyes. I guess that means I'll be wearing a lot of lip gloss from now on…
We were all lying about on my bed listening to my radio when Mitchie decided to tell me about the boy she saw. He works in this shop and apparently she heard someone call him Shane so that must be his name. We all agreed that we wouldn't go in to check him out until I had my eyebrows back and was free to leave my house.
Then we began to talk about kissing. Don't ask me how the topic came up, because I don't know, but it did. Ella told us about a Christmas party she attended. Apparently some boy brought mistletoe and kissed her under it. That sure caught out attentions.
"What was it like?"
"A bit wet," she said truthfully. "It sort of felt like warm jelly…"
"Was his mouth open or closed?"
"A bit open"
"What about tongue?"
"Stayed in their own mouths…" Ella laughed.
"What did you do with your teeth?" I felt the need to ask.
"I took them out, obviously!" Ella said sarcastically. I was only asking… "I can't remember it exactly. It was a while ago. But I know he had a girlfriend so nothing came of it. He probably just thought of me as a little 14 year old who didn't mean much…"
"He was right," I agreed. Apparently the other 3 did not.
10:00pm
Missy kisses me on the mouth a lot…. But I don't think sisters count. Unless I'm a lesbian, which in that case means I better get all the practice I can!
11:00pm
I can see the moon through my window. There are so many people out there in the world who can see it as well…. Wonder how many of them haven't got any eyebrows?
sunday august 30th
11:00am
Thank God! My family is all going out, with out me! My parents have been going on about how we should all spend some 'family time' together.
"Dad, we are 4 people who, through great misfortune, happen to be stuck in the same house. Why make it worse by hanging around in parks and going for walks together?" I explained to Dad one day. He didn't agree…
Anyway, it doesn't matter. Because Miss. Poxy in the making doesn't go out! She just stays in her room for the next 40 years so that she isn't laughed at by people on the street.
It really isn't fair! I'll never get a boyfriend! And some really stupid and mean people have boyfriends! I mean look at Zoey from school! She has a boyfriend and her ears stick out…. Her boyfriend must be blind or have ears that do the same thing.
1:00pm
Still haven't spoken to Dad about his apron that I found in his tie drawer.
1:15pm
God I'm bored! I can see the neighbors in their greenhouse. What do you do in a greenhouse, anyway? If I ever marry a man like my neighbor, I'll shoot myself. He has the biggest, fattest butt I've ever seen! One day his butt will get so big, it won't fit through the greenhouse door and he'll be stuck in there forever.
1:22pm
Oh no! Molly is sitting in the bushes staring at the neighbor's bunnies. She is going to eat them both soon. I better go stop her. Oh, wait it's all right. My neighbor has just thrown a brick at Molly.
11:00pm
What a boring and long day! I swear, boring people who have no friends invented Sunday! I hate them! But on the bright side, I'm seeing some shadow of where my eyebrows should be!
Okay, so if you've read Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging you'll see that the stories have very close plot lines. Im sorry if you dont like this, and Im not trying to steal Louise Rennison's story. So if you dont like it please dont read. Oh, and please review! AND I DONT OWN ANGUS, THONGS AND FULL-FRONTAL SNOGGING !!!!! All rights go to Louisse Rennison!
REVIEW!