Chapter 10 - His 'Awwwkwarrrd' Pauses

Being a doctor means having to answer a lot of questions that you might not be prepared for. Why couldn't you save them? Why won't my child be coming home? How is this fair? Sometimes if you're lucky you can come up with a suitable answer off the top of your head. But most of the time you get stuck in that little awkward hesitation while they expect an answer and you search your brain for what you can possibly say to make the situation better, when you know deep down that no words can make it right again.

It was a full five minutes later when Carla was finally done berating me and I stood awkwardly, letting her have her angry storm off. Everyone else still in the room was staring at me but the moment I scowled they all hastily turned away and the noise level in the ICU rose as they returned to work. I let out a small growl. Everyone enjoyed watching Jackass Cox get his ass handed to him. Tucking my hands deep into my pockets to shoulder the guilt that Carla had oh-so-successfully thrown on me, I made my way to Newbie's room.

Gandhi had left and the photo album was back on the table with the others. Instead Newbie had the shoebox in his lap, the lid tossed to the side, and he was rummaging through the photos curiously, glancing at each of the ones he pulled out with a look of intense focus. I leaned against the door frame, my arms crossed over my chest, and then cleared my throat quietly.

Newbie squeaked (can he get any more feminine?) and dropped the pictures he was holding. "Oh, Dr. Cox, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gotten into your stuff, I was just curious, and I'm real sorry, and–"

I laughed, cutting over the rambling apology. "Relax, kid, Jordan asked me to bring those in for you. I wouldn't have left it here if it was something private."

"Oh, okay, sorry," Newbie said, grinning sheepishly. "But who – who's Jordan?"

"My ex-wife," I explained and was amused by the look of sheer confusion on Newbie's face. I watched the kid's eyes travel to the gold band I still wore on my left hand. "Keeps the ladies off me," I said to the unspoken question. Okay so not exactly true, but believable enough coming from me.

"And your ex-wife knows me and is close enough that she sends me pictures to help me get better?" Newbie asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, surprised me too," I admitted. I came in and sat heavily in the chair beside the bed. "She's normally not, you know, nice to anyone. But I guess she figured she could help so I'd quit spending so much time at the hospital and actually go home and help with the kids."

"Wait, so you live with your ex and your kids? All together?"

I chuckled again, lacing my hands together behind my head and leaning back in the chair. "We're complicated," I finally confessed with a small grin.

We sat in silence for a moment until finally Newbie seemed to realize that I was not going to elaborate. Then he picked up the photographs he'd dropped across his lap and raised an eyebrow. "Got the time to fill me in?" he asked, lifting the pictures questioningly. "I have all these pictures but there's no names or dates or anything on 'em."

I grunted, scooting the chair a bit closer to the bed so I could see. "Okay, Juliet, what do you wanna know?" I asked, pretending to be reluctant. I knew the kid was really only doing it for the company, because all the pictures that were currently in his hands featured people he'd already met, namely the two of us.

"Who took these?" Newbie asked with a wide grin. "They're great. They're all so random, it's like no one knew they were being photographed. Are these all candid camera shots?"

I smiled appreciatively but fought back a wave of the closest to sadness that I am capable o coming as I thought about it. "His name was Ben," I started to explain slowly. It had been years and I had gotten over his death, but for some reason this time it took a lot of focus to not let my voice get thick. Maybe it was because I had to tell it to Newbie, who had been so present in everything that had happened with Ben. "He was my best friend, and my ex-wife's brother. He took these while he was a patient here a few years ago." I pulled the shoebox toward myself and rifled through the squares of photographic paper until I found the right one. "This is him."

It was probably one of the closest times Ben had come to taking a posed picture. He and I were standing in the lobby of the hospital on the day that Ben had arrived for Jack's first birthday, and Ben had pressed his face in next to mine to take an impromptu photo op. Newbie was surveying it with a vague smile. "Looks like a fun guy," he said and there was no joke in his voice as he said it.

"He was," I said. I instantly saw the change in Newbie's expression. The kid's memories might not be there but he had enough sense to tell the difference between past and present tense. But I was done talking about Ben for today. "Find anyone else in that box you're curious about?"

Newbie cleared his throat and began flipping through the photos again. "Okay, what about this one?" he asked and held one toward me. I glanced at it and grinned.

"That would be Jordan," I answered, thoroughly amused by the bizarre expression on her face. She'd clearly been in the middle of ranting at her brother when the picture had been taken. "Looks charming there, doesn't she?"

"Yeah," Newbie said uncertainly.

I laughed. "It's okay, you can agree with me there," I prompted. "I'm not going to go crazy on you for telling me my ex-wife looks weird. I tell her it on a daily basis." Newbie just laughed and plucked another photo from the box, showing it to me. My smile flickered. "That'd be Laverne, she was a nurse here since back when I was an intern," I said. "She was a real busy-body, knew e-he-verything about e-he-veryone in this hospital and was constantly spreading the gossip 'round to the other nurses. A real religious fanatic too, was always preaching to us about Jesus. Crazy woman." I gave a small chuckle. "She was a good woman though, even if she was loony. Died in a car crash last year."

Newbie's smile was wistful. "She sounds like a nice lady, wish I coulda met her." Then he seemed to pause and rethink his words. "Well, I mean obviously I met her, but I mean I wish I could remember meeting her."

"You've met Carla, that's pretty damn close," I offered. "Carla doesn't tell me that Jesus is judging my every movement, but she's got that same gossipy, girl-from-the-block attitude. And ever since Laverne died she's been doing a lot more of that believing in fate and 'all for a reason' junk. I swear to God, if I didn't know better I would think that Laverne was Carla's mother with how much alike they act. They were close. Laverne was sorta the one to show Carla the ropes when she started working, really acted like a mother hen sometimes. I know Carla sorta started thinking about her as this substitute maternal figure, especially after her real mom died."

"You sure seem to know a lot. Did you take over as the hospital gossip center?" Newbie asked with a teasing grin.

"Alexa, do I look like a gossip columnist?" I asked roughly, rolling my eyes. "For your information, I only know because Carla is a good friend of mine. We've worked together a long time, and her take-no-shit personality makes her one of the few people who can tolerate being around me for any length of time." Deciding that the topics were getting too personal, I pointed at the box. "Okay, next flash card."

We went on like this for almost an hour; Newbie drawing out a photograph with an unfamiliar face and me filling in the blanks as best I could. Carla popped her head in once and a while and occasionally stayed for a second to join in the stories but she always had to hurry away to get back to her job. I, on the other hand, was procrastinating on getting back to my own. One of the perks of being in charge.

I was in the middle of telling a story about one particular scene in which a very irate-looking Jordan was hurling herself towards poor Ben behind the camera. "She just threw herself at him, completely ready to rip him a new one," I said, leaning back in my seat and propping my feet on the edge of the bed. "I half expected her to shove that camera so far down his throat that I'd have to schedule him a surgery to get it removed and take the pressure off his spleen."

"You love her, don't you?"

The abrupt question left me stunned. I hated it when people could strike me speechless, it felt so uncomfortable to not being able to summon up a crazed rant to blow off anything that might become semi-personal or emotional. It took me a long time to string up something to say, deciding between going off on a ranting denial or just admitting the truth. "We tolerate each other," I said and shrugged. "It's sort of a mutual hatred, but because we're both twisted, emotionally-crippled people it just works out for us both."

"How – romantic," Newbie said with a laugh. Curiously, he began poking through the box again. "So you said you had kids?" I gave a shallow nod. "Got any pictures of them?"

I dug my wallet out of my pocket and slipped the piece of photographic paper from the plastic sleeve. It had been taken just a few weeks prior, showing the normally tornado-like Jack very carefully holding a smiling Jennifer like she was made of glass. "This is them," I said and offered the picture to Newbie. "That's Jack, he'll be five in a few months. And that's Jennifer Dylan, she's a year."

A bright smile slipped onto Newbie's face and I had to ask, "what you smilin' at there, Daisy," before getting anything outta the kid. "Jennifer Dylan," he said slowly. I knew instantly where this was going. "J.D. That's what everyone calls me, too. I knew we must have been close for me to remember you first but–"

"Don't go getting delusions of grandeur there, Scarlet, that's pure coincidence." Damn you, Jordan. For being a blank slate the kid was sure perceptive. "I did nawt name my daughter after you." When I looked up at him again, Newbie was staring at the picture with an unreadable look, something hurt and sad and concerned all at once. I cursed myself, forgetting that I had to ease up on my rebuffing the kid in this state. Before I could apologize, Newbie spoke again.

"Do I have any kids?"

I froze in shock and my feet slipped off the bed with a heavy thump. I had not been prepared for this question, not in the slightest. This wasn't supposed to come up until after Kim showed up, she was going to deal with it. How in the name of all that was terrible was I supposed to tell Newbie that he in fact had a little infant child that he couldn't remember? The minutes stretched by while I fought with myself about just what to say.

Newbie shifted uncomfortably. "Okay this awkward silence is getting just a little bit unnerving," he said, staring at me with intense concentration. "Just tell me, I want to know."

I took a deep breath, readying myself to say the words. It alarmed me just how worried I was about doing this, about how Newbie would react and what I could do to console him or whatever he needed. I ne-he-hever felt this concerned about people, except maybe my own kids and, on a rare occasion, Jordan. Steeling myself, I drew in the breath to answer.

"You do."

The breath rushed out of me in shock. Those were my words but they had not come out of my mouth. Both of our gazes switched to the door, where the blonde woman in a green turtleneck was standing. One of her arms was wrapped around her torso, hugging herself tightly, and the other arm hung at her side, carrying a blanket-covered child seat. She smiled at Newbie and then turned her eyes on me. "I changed my mind, I came back," she said. There was a hesitant pause before Kim added, "You were right."

"I know," I said but without the usual cynicism. Truth be told I was amazed to see her standing there, but I was glad she was. This conversation wasn't for me to have, this was for the parents to share. After all, I barely knew the little kid at all except for having seen him a few times when Newbie'd brought him to the hospital, and all I knew about him was that his first name was Sam.

Newbie looked between us with a mounting level of confusion on his face. "Um, what have I missed?"

"Sounds like you're missing quite a bit right now," Kim said, trying to sound light. She approached the bed slowly, much in the same way that Carla had at first, and leaned against the side with the baby carrier still at her side. "You really don't remember me?"

Newbie was quiet, his face pulled into a look of focus as his curious blue eyes surveyed every detail of her face. "I want so badly to say yes," he said softly. His tone was nothing but sadness and desperation. "I have that same feeling like I should know, but it's not coming to me. I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't be sorry," Kim said and she placed one of her hands on his. "It's not your fault this happened." At this I squirmed slightly in my seat. "And I'm sorry I didn't come up as soon as I found out. I just, I needed time to think things over and all."

Newbie nodded in understanding. I shook my head; Newbie was too forgiving. "So you – are you my wife or girlfriend or something?"

"I'm not that lucky," Kim said with an over-bright laugh. I made a noise of warning in my throat, to which Kim's only response was, "Oh butt out, Dr. Cox." She turned back to Newbie. "Anyway, I'm neither. We dated for a while, off and on mostly, but things just never worked out between us. But we did have a kid together. A son."

"A son," Newbie repeated, sounding slightly dazed and a fuzzy smile had slipped onto his face. "I have a son."

"You want to see him?" His eyes lit up when Kim lifted the child carrier onto the foot of his bed and he struggled to sit up as she pulled away the blanket. I quickly stood and tucked an arm behind his back, helping to prop him up. Newbie stared in open-mouthed wonder at the little boy who was blinking blearily, having been woken up by all the motion. Kim extricated the boy from the buckles and then set him carefully in Newbie's expectant arms. "JD, this is your son–"

"Sam," Newbie said gently, smiling at his son. Kim and I exchanged surprised looks. It took a few silent seconds before Newbie looked up, seeming to realize what he'd said. "Wait, that's his name right? Sam?"

Kim was the first to recover and nodded. "Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian," she answered. This startled me and I looked over at her, my brows pulling together. Perry?

Before I could question them about the name though, Newbie was beaming excitedly. "I remembered something," he said in awe. "My son, I remembered my son's name." He lifted the little boy to kiss his forehead and Sam let out a pleased squeal.

"Way to go, Newbie, about time you got something through that head of yours," I said. "Besides, you know, the rock that got you in this mess in the first place."

Newbie wasn't bothered by the comment, still grinning down at his little boy. Finally he glanced up at me. "See, I can name my kid after you, why can't you admit you named yours after me?" he said jokingly. A flash of guilt shot through me and apparently it showed on my face because Newbie quickly muttered, "Sorry, was only kidding."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. I shifted anxiously, crossing my arms and pitching my weight from one foot to the other. Kim was toying with her hair, trying to act as though she wasn't watching for my reaction. And Newbie seemed to be caught between the son he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of and the doctor who he was waiting for to break the silence. That was when I fell back onto the oldest trick in the doctor's handbook.

I faked a page.

Whipping it out dramatically, I pretended to read the blank screen. "Damn, patient's coding, gotta go," I said quickly. I shot a look at Kim. "Do not, I repeat na-hawt overwhelm him." When she rolled her eyes I gave Newbie a small nod and then left the room quickly.

Stopping by the CoffeeBucks only long enough to grab a large, black coffee and answer Bobbo's typical greeting with a 'blow it out your ass, Bob' I returned to my office and sat down behind the desk. Time to actually do my job now, I thought ruefully, pulling a stack of forms closer.

Two mind-numbing hours of paperwork later, I needed a change and headed out to the nurses' desk. I had taken it upon myself to cover a few of Newbie's patients, or two of them actually. Just the ones I already knew and had worked with a little. The rest I piled onto the residents and interns. The first had been Mrs. Robinson, who'd died the same night that Newbie'd been in his accident. And the second was Lily Marks. I had grabbed her chart and readied to head to her room when I spotted Carla.

"Hey Carla, quick question," I said and she leaned onto the counter curiously. I lowered my voice and asked, "Newbie's kid, did you know he was named after me?"

Carla looked utterly surprised and it was her turn to feel awkward finally. "You mean, you didn't know that?" I shook my head. "But, he told you?"

Damn, awkwardness is back on me again. I shrugged. "Like I listen to half of what comes out of Barbara's mouth," I said and walked away indifferently. Inside I was thinking frantically. Had Newbie ever told me that? You'd think I would've noticed. I always noticed when the kid said 'Perry,' mostly just because it annoyed me to no end when the kid was trying to be buddy-buddy, first name basis with me.

Brushing those thoughts away, I stepped into Lily's room. "Hey there, Lily, how are you doing?"

Lily looked up, surprised. "Hi Dr. Cox," she said. "I'm okay." Even as she said it the tell-tale twitching in her left arm said otherwise. "Where's JD? He hasn't been around in a while. The other doctor that was in here yesterday wouldn't tell me anything."

I inwardly groaned. God when was today going to stop being so uncomfortable? That's it, first chance I had I am just bolting home to play legos and watch Finding Nemo. Hell, I'd even watch Lion King again just to get out of here. "He's not going to be working for a while," I said, hoping she would take it at that.

"Yeah, that's what the other guy said. C'mon Dr. Cox, you don't lie. What happened?" Damn, clearly not.

"He was in an accident two nights ago," I said solemnly. I was really getting sick of explaining this to people. "His car crashed."

Lily's eyes had gone round. "Is he okay?"

"He will be."

"Oh, I was starting to get nervous," she admitted with a tentative laugh. "He came and took my parents out to talk to them all serious like and then he just stopped coming by. I thought he was avoiding telling me I was gonna die or something."

Shit. This awkward thing keeps getting worse and worse. "Right," I said. Apparently the girl's parents hadn't filled her in on that little detail just yet. I longed to say something, just so she was prepared, but something stopped me. And it wasn't just the fact that I couldn't legally go behind her parents' backs and tell her. She was always so cheerful and carefree. If she knew she was dying, especially so soon, then she would get depressed and scared. I couldn't be the one to do that to her. However now the uneasy silence that had filled in after my words was getting stifling. I had to push it away. "So, any change? Learn any interesting gossip from those magazines you've been reading?"