Chapter 12 – His Newton's Law
Newton's Laws technically do not fall into the category of things that a doctor should have to remember. What with all the protocol and diagnosis's and procedures that we have to remember, basic physics is just not that important. Unless of course its knowing that if you push the old geezer's wheelchair down the hall, he's just gonna keep rolling until he hits something. Newton's first law of motion, folks. Yes, I am all knowing. However, while they might not pertain to medicine, sometimes it seems like they might just apply to life. Once the ball gets rolling, it's bloody hard to stop it. Progress is affected by just how much force you put into moving forward. And every action and choice is gonna have some sort of opposing repercussion. Or maybe that last one is considered Karma…I can never tell.
Okay, there would be no sitting around with Newbie all day today. I had an entire stack of paperwork on my desk that needed to be completed by tomorrow or else I'd have to listen to that bumbling idiot of a lawyer following me around all day whining about some potential lawsuit about medications or improper documentation or something else equally boring. Dear God, if someone had warned me just how much paperwork was required in being a doctor before I had gotten into med school, well I would have just dropped out and become a male model/actor instead. I was sure I would look great on a commercial for exercise equipment…certainly a lot better than Chuck Norris. And then maybe I could meet Hugh Jackman and give that man the kick in the groin he so deserved. This thought put a smile on my face and daunting paperwork at the back of my mind.
Still, there was no escaping the truth of the matter as I pulled my precious car into the parking lot. I paused to grin at that beautiful sign that blared 'Reserved: Dr. Percival Cox, Chief of Medicine.' God I never got tired of seeing that. Reserved parking spaces, now that was power. Finally I clambered out of the car, holding back a shiver at the chill air of the morning. It was just past six and I was here a lot earlier than necessary but I wanted to make sure I had time to get everything done. Besides, I wanted to get out of the apartment before Jordan woke up. She was still a bit pissy with me for sending Jack in to wake her up the morning before.
"Morning, Dr. Cox," a cheery young resident said as she was walking out of the building, clearly just getting off the night shift.
"Bup, bup, bup, puh-lease, do nawt speak to me this early in the morning, Nameless Peon," I replied, making a face as if I was in pain to demonstrate just how much her chipperness was killing me. "I might just have to hurt you, I really might."
Sally Sunshine seemed to be just about as phased by his remarks as Carla was and she simply shrugged and continued on her way with a short wave. I found myself wondering just how on earth anyone could be that happy after being on-call all night. I was usually ready to commit murder by that time. Oh wait, I was usually ready to do that by the time I got to work, that didn't make sense. Shaking it off, I made my way into the hospital. All I needed to do was check on the two patients who I was currently attending to, who would both likely still be asleep at this hour anyway, and then it was into the office where I'd be trapped the rest the day.
My first stop, Lily, proved to be out like a light when I got there. I stayed long enough to check over her vitals and dismally note the jerky movements of her limbs, even in sleep, before leaving. Outside some male nurse scoffed and shook his head.
"You got something to say there, Pinky?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"That one caused me a bit of trouble last night," the guy replied, almost scathingly. "Snuck out of her room after hours. Turns out I find her an hour later fast asleep in another patient's room."
"Who?" I barked, instantly fearing where this was going.
The guy looked confused. "That girl, the blonde one in there," he said as if it were obvious.
"No, you moron, who's room was she in?"
The nurse folded his arms indignantly before spitting out, a little sardonically, "Your lap dog." When I gave no visible reaction, although my insides were a raging inferno, the nurse continued, "That goofy doctor who's been chasing you around as long as I can remember. Dorian. Seems he thinks he can draw on his connections to your power because he was completely unbothered by just how many hospital rules he was breaking, just telling me that they were friends and were talking. Yeah, because it's not totally horrible that a dying patient leaves her room in the middle of the night, or that a young girl is sleeping in the same bed as a much older man like–"
Nurse Numb-Nuts never got any farther because in that second my hand flew out and closed around the front of the nurse's scrubs, dragging him close and nearly lifting him from the ground. I felt satisfaction at seeing the fear spark into his eyes. "Now you listen here, and you listen good," I said in a threateningly low voice. "You're gonna nawt keep talking about JD like that if you want to keep that ridiculous looking head attached to your scrawny giraffe neck. As attending physician for both Lily and JD, I say that they can visit each other as much as they damn well please. That little girl needs someone to comfort her and JD has always been that guy, because he has better bedside manner than anyone else in this hospital and she trusts him. And never for a second think that I will hesitate to end your career here because, quite frankly, it'd take about a hundred and seven of you to even come cah-lowse to the raw talent that JD has and if that kid needed any transplant I would personally reach into your miserable chest and rip the organs straight out of your body to keep him alive. Understand me?"
A few spluttered words escaped the nurse but nothing coherent. Feeling certain I had sufficiently scared the idiot, I released the front of his scrubs roughly, sending the guy staggering back a few awkward steps. He smoothed the front of his top and then turned round and left with his metaphorical tail so far between his legs it was threatening to curl into his belly. I smiled in satisfaction. I hadn't been able to berate someone like that in a long time; it felt good. And I was also grateful that Ted wasn't here yet because I knew that rant might have crossed into the area of harassment and I didn't want to hear about how that idiot nurse could file charges and how it would reflect on the hospital, because honestly everyone knew that there was no way Ted could win a case even if he was representing God Almighty.
Feeling a lot better now that I had relieved that growing urge to rail into someone, which had been getting almost physically painful in the last few days, I made my way back toward the elevator to head up to ICU and check on JD. Wait a second… I stopped short in the middle of the hall, my brow furrowed. Had I just used 'JD' while thinking about Newbie? That couldn't be right. When had I started using the kid's stupid nickname all of a sudden?
One time slip up, I tried to assure myself. You just got caught up in the high from ripping that nurse a new one, that's all. It's not like you said it before – Oh God. My forehead wrinkled deeper in concentration. I hadn't said 'JD' during my rant, had I? Couldn't be. I tried to figure it out but when I thought back over the ravings it seemed my mind firmly asserted a girl's name into every time I'd talked about the kid. But could that be trusted? It did seem oddly abrupt and forced even in my head, like the name's were chosen frantically. And were the names changing every time I rethought it or was I imagining it? Was this my subconscious trying to protect me from what I already knew deep down was happening?
Gotta fix this, I thought firmly, rubbing a hand over my face quickly. I couldn't start calling the kid by his name now, not after all this time. All that time and effort I had put into keeping the kid at arm's length at all times, close enough to keep an eye on him but far enough away that there couldn't be any deep relationship between us. As hard as I tried, there were definitely those moments when my emotions got carried away with me and I showed a little more affection then I meant to. I was well aware of the way JD looked up to me as a father figure but, even when I sometimes felt paternally protective of the stupid kid, I knew that sort of thinking couldn't be encouraged. The people that got close to me expecting the sort of relationship I knew that J- Newbie was, well they always ended up getting hurt. Or I got hurt. I didn't want to think about either of those happening.
Suck it up, suck it up. Get your head together and get back to normal, Per, or it's gonna end like it did with Pete. Okay, so I didn't honestly see Newbie having an affair with Jordan (disregarding the fact that they had already had sex once before, since Newbie had no idea who she was then) but the memory of finding my wife wrapped in the arms of my protégé and confidante definitely managed to get me back into the right mindset. Alright, dumbasses, Dr. Cox is back.
Squaring my shoulders, I finally moved from where I'd stopped and finished the journey to the elevator. I spent the trip giving myself little pep talks, coaxing my natural temperament back out until I felt like my usual self again. Why? The little voice in the back of my head spoke up randomly while I leaned against the wall of the elevator, locking my knees for the jerk of its upward motion. That high felt so good, so free and great like you never get to feel normally. You defended JD like he was your own child, like you would defend Jacky or Jen, and it felt good to know you protected him. Why go back to your normal self and give up that wonderful feeling?
I knew the answer to that. Newton's law of gravity. What goes up must come down. If I felt a high like that then surely it would be followed by something that was very much the opposite of high. I did not handle the opposite of high very well. I had just gotten to the point where I no longer dove straight into the bottom of a third bottle of scotch every time I had a bad day, for my family's sake, and I really wasn't going to risk ending up there again. And if that meant avoiding the highs and inevitable lows, hanging out in that neutral, numb middle ground, well then, damn it all, that was what I was going to do.
All of this was decided before the elevator doors opened to the ICU and I stepped out feeling level-headed once again. Just check in on Newbie really quick and it was into the safety of my office. I breezed past the few, clearly exhausted nurses and doctors still stumbling around the place, made easier by the fact that they dodged out of my way when they realized I was coming with my usual stormcloud overhead. Mercy was on my side because when I got to the kid's room he was still asleep.
Letting out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, I picked up the chart, checking to see if the night doctor had written anything new. I heard the kid groan quietly but it didn't look like he was waking up. Probably just another nightmare. Either that or his pain meds were wearing down. I went back to my work, finishing up the chart and hanging it back on the end of the bed. That's when I spotted the photo album lying on the floor beside the bed, splayed out, spine up, with half of its pages bent beneath it. Must have fallen off the bed, I reasoned, stooping to pick it up while Newbie let out another moan.
When I flipped the book over I saw that the pictures in here were a lot more recent than the ones Gandhi had been showing the day before. Some of them looked like they could have been taken within the last year. All of them were of the usual gal pals, sometimes including that weird stuffed dead Labrador or a few different faces, generally females. As I flipped through I spotted Kim and Sammy, Izzy, that ditzy brunette who'd been even more of a klutz than the kid. There was Jordan and the kids, with a reluctant me half-visible in the background but clearly in the process of trying to get out of the shot. There was a strip of those photo booth black and white photos with Newbie and Danni, probably from that fair we had all gone to together. Dan. A slightly worn picture of the late Sam Dorian. A picture that looked like it might have been part of a Christmas card at one time, featuring a woman who looked like she might have been the kid's mom, as well as a man who looked a bit – or a lot – too young for her.
"Nnnhhhnnnn."
The pained whimper made me look up from the album and I saw that Newbie's face was pulled into a grimace. His eyes were flicking rapidly, almost frenetically, beneath the lids and the heart monitor was registering that his heart rate had picked up a few paces. His nostrils were flaring faster than normal and there seemed to be a sheen of sweat gleaming on his skin. Suddenly his hands fisted around the bedsheets until all the color was bleached from his already pale fingers. Definitely a nightmare, I thought as the kid whined again.
Setting the book on the table with the others, I carefully approached the bedside. "Newbie?" I asked softly. I set a hand lightly on the kid's shoulder but this didn't seem to help. Those tight lips parted and they seemed to be moving to form words even if all that came out were unintelligible groans. He grimaced again and I moved to check that the morphine drip was still working. The moment my hand lifted from the kid's shoulder, Newbie let out a choked noise, his lips still twitching in the semblance of speaking and his fists getting impossibly tighter on the blankets. I instantly turned back and touched his arm. "Easy, Newbie," I said in a firm voice. "It's just a dream."
Once again this seemed to elicit a negative reaction. Newbie's groan got louder, this time coming out with a faint likeness to the word 'no,' and his entire body convulsed slightly. I anxiously took note of this; if the kid kept moving he was going to hurt himself by accident. I really needed to calm him down. "Easy there, kiddo. Ya hear me? Just a dream."
A muffled cry of agony slipped between the kid's lips and his body seemed to completely still. I hesitantly turned away, checking that the heart monitor was still reading in a healthy rate. It was a little fast but not to the point of being dangerous just yet.
"No!"
I spun around as Newbie let out a strangled scream, bolting upright in bed. His eyes were wide and terrified, his muscles rigid, and he was gasping for breath. A steady stream of frightened, "No, no, help, please, come back, no," was forcing its way out between frantic breaths. I quickly recovered from my shock and rushed forward, placing my hands firmly on the kid's shoulders. It scared me when the kid jumped and gave a small scream, his hands releasing the blankets to instead latch onto my upper arms painfully tight. He was looking at me with an expression of utmost horror in his eyes.
"Whoa there, Newbie, calm down," I said, my doctor side taking over and allowing my voice to become more soothing. The kid was still panting out pleas of help and fear, eyes searching the room for some unknown monster, and his fingernails were biting into my skin. "It's okay, JD, you're fine," I continued. I felt relieved when the muscles in those narrow shoulder eased just a little and the pleas fell in volume. "That's right, you're safe," I coaxed. A nurse ran up to me, clutching a sedative and looking at me questioningly, but I shook my head.
"Listen to me, kid, you need to calm down." Hands eased from their death grip on my biceps and I felt the stinging after-bite of what I was sure would be ten moon-shaped indentations in my flesh. "Nothing's gonna hurt you here." Back muscles eased and his posture slumped just slightly under my hands. "It was just a dream."
Back-pedalling again. JD turned to fix me in his mortified gaze, body trembling violently. His eyes seemed startlingly sharp and for some reason my chest was feeling extremely tight, making it difficult to breathe right. It looked like the kid was trying to say something but every time his mouth opened his lips would start quivering and he pressed them shut again. "JD, you alright?"
A choked noise and suddenly his head fell against the front of my shirt. JD's hands were once again clinging to my upper arms like some sort of lifeline, but his body was shaking as he nestled his forehead in the middle of my torso. The shaking grew worse, hands losing their grip and falling limply at his sides, and that's when I heard the noise for what it really was. A sob. JD was crying.
This realization hit me harder than Jordan could ever dream of doing. Despite all of the times I had called him a hormonal girl, I had honestly never seen JD tear up. Not over losing his favorite patients, not over dealing with his black wife marrying someone else, not over any of the various fabulously failed relationships he'd had, not even when his dad had died. It seemed absolutely remarkable that this could be the first time I had seen the kid get teary-eyed in all the years I'd known him. And here he was crying his eyes out. Ouch, pain in chest getting tighter. Am I having a heart attack?
No, I knew what that feeling was. It was guilt and sadness. All that time of ridiculing the kid and he had turned out to be one of the emotionally strongest people I had ever known. It also pissed me off that in a moment as horrible as this, I was just concerned with the fact that this was that 'opposite of high' I had been afraid of. JD was having a complete breakdown and all I could think about was how much it was hurting me.
Gritting my teeth, I carefully wrapped my arms around JD, trying not to squeeze too tightly and hurt any of his other injuries. I ignored that inner voice reminding me that my old Newbie would be celebrating about finally getting that hug he'd always wanted. "Shhhh, shhh," I said softly. "It's okay, kid, you're okay."
"Not dreams." JD was struggling to talk through his sobs and I had to tilt my head down to hear what he was saying. "Not dreams – real – really gone."
I moved a hand slowly up and down JD's back. "What's gone?"
"Me," JD choked out. His hands had found the lapels of my lab coat and were gripping them tightly. "Everything – me – all gone – nothing there – empty."
And there goes that pain again. This keeps up I'm gonna collapse a lung. I just continued to 'shh' him, rubbing small circles over his back, until finally the sobbing eased into shallow hiccoughs. A few minutes after that JD managed to sit up and he brushed the backs of his hands roughly over his cheeks. He seemed to be feeling embarrassed now, not looking up at me while he fought to control his hitched breathing.
"How're your ribs?" I asked, deciding to just skirt the topic and try to ease the kid a little. "They hurting?"
"Mm? Nah," JD said, his voice still sounding thick. He apparently noticed this because he cleared his throat a few times.
"Mmhhmm," I said skeptically. I knew there was no way that the movement and crying had managed to not affect his ribs but I let it slide. "Well you may want to not move around a lot for the next few hours, make sure nothing's gotten worse. If they start hurting really bad you let me or a nurse know and we'll get you into radiology to check on them." JD just nodded slowly, still not meeting my gaze. "You wanna talk about it?"
This finally made JD look up in surprise, his eyes wide and only just a little scared. He seemed to be waiting for me to take it back, but I just sat down on the edge of the mattress, staring at him expectantly. "It was just a nightmare," JD said, half-grudgingly.
"Sounds like a pretty bad one," I remarked calmly, "judging by what you were saying."
"Just unnerving," JD said and shrugged. "I think it was just the stress of all this amnesia stuff getting to me."
I nodded slowly, my mind processing that. So that's what the kid had been saying about things being gone. He'd been talking about his memories. Everything that made him him was missing and it was leaving him feeling empty. Guilt twisted in my chest once again. "You gonna be okay?"
JD took a deep, steadying breath, trying to hide his wince as the movement shocked his side. After a noisy exhale he looked up and met my stare again. "I think so," he finally said.
"Okay." I touched the kid's knee lightly and then stood up. "Well I've gotta actually do my job today, but I'll come by and check in every few hours. If you need anything have a nurse page me." JD nodded. "And no more hysterics, mkay Priscilla?"
To my relief, this brought out a small smile from JD. "Yeah, okay Dr. Cox."
I grinned and walked out of the room. I made it easy enough to the elevator, but once the silver doors shut me in by myself, I slumped against the wall. I felt genuinely exhausted, even though the day had just begun. Already I had experienced a ridiculous high and a crushing low, and now I remembered vividly why it was that I didn't bother with real emotions. All of that weightless bliss I had felt earlier had been brushed away by the dull ache that now resided in my chest.
And to top things off I realized that at some point I had started thinking of Newbie as 'JD' again. Why was this kid making it so difficult for me to remain neutral?