AN: Alright so I'm not really pleased with this chapter, it's more of a segue to get us into the next part of the story. Anyway, just wanted to say another thank you to everyone who reviews/favs/alerts. Especially to khwhitelion and EliH2 and andaere (I hope I spelled that right), who have reviewed on practically every chapter. Thanks you guys!
Chapter 13 – His Trial-and-Error
Sometimes when you're trying to solve a problem, you just gotta keep attempting it over and over with different variables until you happen to finally get lucky and find the right answer. We do that a lot in life too, trying relationship and relationship until you chance across the right one. Or working job and job till you find your passion, or trying alcoholic drink after drink until finding that one that numbs your pain the best. However it often takes more than one shot before getting it right and in life those errors are a lot harder to deal with than they are in, say, math or science formulas. And they have stronger impacting results too.
I started avoiding the kid's room a little, usually only stopping by to conduct my usual check-ups and make sure he was hanging on okay. I didn't mean to estrange the kid, I just couldn't handle being around him for now. At JD's breakdown I had let my guard down, and realizing that I had allowed emotion to get to me once again, well, it honestly scared me. Ever since JD had gotten hurt I had been spending an obsessive amount of time taking care of him and it was only just occurring to me just how close I had let the kid get. That couldn't happen.
I had tried to reason with myself that it was only because JD was so confused. JD had no idea that I had purposely and dutifully alienated him from the first day we had met, so I had softened up until the kid got his memory back together. But I knew that this was exactly the wrong thing to do. When the kid's memory came back he would be expecting me to keep being gentle to him, but that just wasn't Perry Cox. I couldn't keep that sensitivity up. Going soft over my kids had done enough damage, but if I started going soft over a colleague, well that was irreparable. I couldn't afford that with being so new to my position. People would be trying to take advantage of me at every turn. I had to be Badass Cox, there was no choice in the matter.
It had been easy enough to deal with for the first few days. I stayed away from the kid like he was the plague and buried myself in my work. I would occasionally swing by to find Lily Marks sitting on the bed with JD, watching television together or gabbing endlessly, but I would only pop in to check on them both and then leave again. From the hall I would watch the way they both seemed to drink in each other's optimism and it almost looked like it made them both healthier. Then when my chest began to feel tight I would flee the scene and return to my deskwork. Plus side, I actually got ahead in my papers.
By the fourth day the distance was starting to wear on me. JD clearly noticed that I was practically shunning him and the smile on his face whenever I showed up was almost forced in a way. My chest twisted with guilt at this but I would push the feelings away. I needed to get back to being emotionally numb again.
Also the kid's memory seemed to be making no progress what-so-ever. He was retaining all the knowledge we were feeding him but his personal revelations were few and far between, and when they came they were usually useless information instead of important facts. And as the two week anniversary of the accident passed without any serious improvement, I stared to lose hope for the kid's condition.
The only thing that eased my guilt was the fact that the kid was very, very rarely left alone. He had a constant stream of visitors, sometimes more than one at a time because of how often Lily was in the room. Turk, Carla, and Elliot were constantly dropping by when they had a free minute and it wasn't uncommon to find them hanging around after their shifts ended and occasionally on their breaks. Kim came by at least every third day, bringing Sam with her. That was when I really saw the biggest change in JD; holding his little boy made JD light up and he almost looked as if he were perfectly healthy. Or at least he would if it wasn't for the constant presence of the bandages to serve as reminders. Hell, even Jordan and the kids swung by once to say hi and JD seemed to be amused when Jack called him 'Aunt Deejay.'
Lily was doing nothing to ease my discomfort either. Her condition was declining rapidly. By the end of the two weeks her muscle spasms had progressed to the point of leaving her essentially paralyzed from the waist down. She always had to get an orderly to push her in a wheelchair to JD's new room, having been finally turfed out of the ICU a few days prior because he was no longer in critical condition. She occasionally lost track of her thoughts and had suffered more than one seizure, thankfully always when she was in her own room because I didn't want to think what sort of effect seeing that would have on JD. The personality changes were mercifully subtle enough to go unnoticed but the failing ability of her muscles were impossible to miss. Her eyes no longer followed as well as they should and her speaking came out vaguely slurred. It physically hurt me to realize how little time this girl still had for the world. At this rate she would be in a vegetative state before the next two weeks were up and from there it was only to wait until her parents unplugged or she drifted off of her own accord.
It was killing me to think just how bad that loss was going to hurt JD, who had come to rely on her as his constant companion. She seemed to be the best at cutting through the fog of his amnesia and make him feel good again.
Day eighteen from JD's accident rolled around and I walked in to the room, not at all surprised to see Lily sitting beside JD. However I was surprised to see Sam nestled in Lily's arms. It worried me at first that a girl who could not control her muscles was holding an infant, but then I noticed JD had an arm around her shoulder and his hands were firmly holding her arms in place despite the twitching of her muscles. The young doctor was smiling at her encouragingly and Lily stared down at Sam with a look of absolute adoration. I forced back the urge to smile. Emotionally numb, I reminded myself.
"Hey there," I said and both of them looked up. Lily was beaming but JD's smile once again did that odd flicker and then returned in fully forced force.
"JD's lettin' me howd 'is baby," Lily said enthusiastically, the weak muscles in her jaw cutting letters off of words. Sadly, she was starting to talk at the same level as Jack. "I've ne'er hewd a baby 'fore."
I simply gave my small, doctorly smile. There was an odd lump in my throat as I fully comprehended what was going on. JD was helping Lily to hold a baby because she had never gotten the chance and they all knew that she wasn't going to have many more opportunities to do the little things that no one but a dying person really appreciated, like knowing that glowing bliss of holding a beautiful infant in your arms. Even as a patient, JD was going the extra mile for his patients. It was almost a relief to know that some things never changed.
"Lily, your parents should be here soon," I finally said when the lump faded, shooting a glance at the clock for good measure and seeing JD and Lily's eyes follow my gesture. "You ready to head back up to your room?"
"Can' dey jush come shee me 'ere?" Lily asked with a small pout. "JD won' mind, do ya?"
"Not at all," JD said instantly. I knew that he was willing to do anything that would keep Lily happy. It seemed almost ironic to me as I realized the way Lily smiled up at JD was in the same way a child would when being doted on by their parents. JD, who had always tried to find his own in me, had become a father figure to the little girl.
Well someone has to be, I thought to myself bitterly. Her own isn't doing a good job at it. Lily's father rarely showed up at the hospital anymore, despite the fact that her mother visited every day. Mrs. Marks had confessed to me that it was because he couldn't stand to see his daughter like this; that he couldn't handle it and he wanted to remember her how she used to be and not how she was now. Load of bull. Coward. I agreed it was difficult to watch her slowly dying, but avoiding her was just selfish. If that ingrate thought it was hard for him, maybe he should imagine what it was like to sit there knowing you were dying and have your own father avoid you. Who could honestly let their child die alone in a hospital? Thank god for JD to keep her from getting too depressed.
"Okay," I agreed with a small nod. "I'll go back up to your room and when your parents get here I'll bring them down." We might as well keep Lily comfortable and happy while we could, Lily's mom could understand that. Besides, maybe it would be humbling for her to see how much trouble JD put into keeping her going. I found myself hoping, praying to whatever higher powers there might or might not be up there, that today would be that day her father showed up so he could see what a real father should do for his dying child.
When both of the Marks' showed up I could have jumped in the air with smug eagerness. Thanks for putting in a word to the Big Guy for me, Laverne, I thought, shooting a quick glance skyward. And Ben, I added as an afterthought. This sort of help didn't seem particularly like Ben behavior but when I rationalized that it was a way of showing me how proud I was of JD then it made more sense. Ben was always the one pushing me to let JD get closer after all.
"Where's Lily?" a frantic Mrs. Marks asked when she saw the empty bed, which I quickly stood up from.
"Don't worry, she's fine," I assured her quickly. "Lily is down the hall in Dr. Dorian's room, visiting with him. I told her I would escort you down there."
Mrs. Marks let out a loud sigh of relief but Mr. Marks' expression remain stoic, a blank, lost look. I gestured for them to follow and led them back to JD's room. Lily was still cradling Sam when we arrived, talking to him cheerfully. The sound of our arrival made her look up.
"Hi Mom," she said brightly and then her eyes fell on her dad and her smile faltered. Mr. Marks still looked vacant but he gave her a half-smile. "Hi Dad."
"Lily, honey, how are you doing today?" Mrs. Marks asked, bustling to the bedside. "Who's this?"
"Thish ish Shammy," Lily answered, grinning from ear-to-ear as she glanced first at the baby and then at JD. "JD ish lettin' me howd 'im 'cause I ne'er hewd a baby 'fore." The gratitude in Mrs. Marks' eyes as she looked over at JD was astonishing and she gave him a watery smile.
Deciding that it would be best to excuse myself before the emotions in the room started getting to me again, I turned and left. I was surprised to hear someone say my name.
"Dr. Cox," Mr. Marks said. I stopped and turned back to the man. "I – I don't like this situation," he said, awkward but assertive.
"What situation?" I asked. What, his daughter dying? Who would like that situation?
"Lily spending so much time in there with Dr. Dorian," Mr. Marks said and the awkwardness had left his voice. "It's not healthy, a sick little girl spending so much time alone with a grown man."
This was the second time that I had heard this sort of statement and my anger flared just as much this time as it had before. Very possible more so. What kind of person did these imbeciles take JD for? Hands curling into fists at my side, I forced my expression to remain neutral, if only because we were still standing in front of the window to JD's room and I felt someone's eyes on us. "What do you think is going on?" I asked, my low voice betraying the rage I didn't dare exposed physically. "He is an invalid doctor who can't even get out of bed without help, and she is dying."
"She is a defenseless young girl being left alone with a brain damaged man," Mr. Marks said and he seemed to feel no qualms in showing that he was angry. "She could not move or speak to get away from him if something were to happen. Do you see the way he is touching her, arms all around her like that, the way he has no shame at being so physically close to her? I tell you, he has ulterior motives in this–"
"No, Mr. Marks, I'll tell you what," I interrupted, having had enough of this. "I have known JD for almost eight years and he is the most morally sound person I have ever known. I can promise you by the distraught way he reacts whenever we get a patient in here who has suffered what you are trying to imply that he is doing to your daughter, that there is no-ho-ho way in high heaven that he could even consider such a thing." I made sure to keep my voice low and a falsely calm expression on my face for the sake of the people in the room. I waited until Mr. Marks had opened his mouth before starting in again, just to have the pleasure of cutting him off, continuing in that emotionless but still strikingly blunt doctor voice I used to explain options to stubborn patients.
"You wanna know what it is that JD is actually doing in there? He is in there keeping your daughter alive a little longer. He spends most of his every day talking to her and keeping her spirits up. That little girl is dying, and very quickly Mr. Marks, and if it were not for him she would spend the majority of her time sitting alone in a blank hospital room because her own parents don't even come to visit her that much. Through these last few weeks on earth your daughter would have been almost always alone if it were not for JD, who might I add has a helluva 'nough problems of his own to worry about, letting her sit with him every day when he could be focused on overcoming his amnesia so he can get back to a normal life.
"So you know what it is that JD is doing in there?" I paused, waiting to see if Mr. Marks would dare answer but the other man only stared in silence. "Well, he's sitting in there being a father to that dying girl because you are too much of a coward to do it."
There was a resounding silence following this as Mr. Marks stared at me with a burning intensity, his solid expressionless face not moving. Both of us were breathing heavily and neither of us broke the eye contact, waiting for the other to make the first movement. Finally Mr. Marks seemed to deflate and he walked back into the room. I almost felt a swell of pride at managing to fix this problem before I heard the man say, "Hey sweetie, I'm sorry but I've got to get going. An emergency just came up at work. But I'll come back later, okay?" Lily gave a tragic hum of assent and it almost looked like there might be tears in her eyes as she watched him leave the room without so much as a good-bye kiss.
I shook my head and walked in the opposite direction, afraid I would punch Mr. Marks if I got close to the man again. Not that I wouldn't take sheer pleasure from that, but I knew that it would still upset Lily even if he deserved it and I wanted to keep her happy as much as JD or her mother. Later I would have to explain the argument to Mrs. Marks so she would be prepared when she got home. But that could wait. Right now I really needed a coffee. Or a scotch, if it weren't for the fact I was working and had vowed I wasn't straying down that road again.
I counted on Mrs. Marks to stay until visiting hours ended, just like she always did, and I was pleased to find that she was dependable. When I got back to JD's room at eight that night she was still sitting beside JD's bed, talking with the two patients with a sort of sad smile in her eyes. Apparently Kim had come back for Sam because the infant was gone. "Excuse me, Mrs. Marks," I said and all eyes turned on me. "Visiting hours are over."
"Oh, right, thank you," she said, grabbing her purse and standing up. She said an affectionate farewell to her daughter, kissing her on the forehead, and then to my surprise she stooped and kissed JD's cheek lightly as well, murmuring a quiet thanks and goodbye. JD smiled in pleasure as he repeated her words and then she stepped out into the hall.
"Before you go," I said quickly, "there's something I wanted to talk to you about." The woman nodded me on, wringing her hands around the strap of her purse anxiously. "I am afraid I got into an argument with your husband this morning and I felt you deserved to know that and know why." Again, she merely nodded. "Your husband complained to me that he felt uncomfortable having your daughter spending so much time alone with Dr. Dorian and he seemed convinced that there was something – unhealthy – about their friendship." A gasp. Well, at least it was finally something other than a nod. "I'm afraid I got a little defensive about this and I said some things that were uncalled for. I wanted to let you know what happened so you would be prepared for when you get home."
Mrs. Marks had covered her mouth with one of her hands and she was staring past me back in the direction of where JD and her daughter were still talking cheerfully. "He thought that – that JD was–" she faltered, apparently not able to force the words out. "That he was hurting Lily?" My mouth a grim line at the thought, and at her inability to voice what both of us were thinking, I gave a firm nod.
"Oh dear god," she breathed in a quick rush. "How could he think that? After everything that she's said JD does for her? Every day when I visit she tells me how JD goes out of his way to make her happy. He makes her forget…" Mrs. Marks' voice failed again and she lifted a hand to rub at her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Cox, for what Tony said about your friend. I knew he'd been stressed dealing with this but I hadn't expected him to do something like that."
"Don't apologize," I said firmly but as gently as I could manage. I didn't bother putting in the correction that JD was not my friend, merely an employee and colleague. "I only wanted you to know what happened so you wouldn't walk into that unprepared when you got home."
"Oh," Mrs. Marks said and the sadness in her face increased. "Well Tony's not actually staying at home right now. He's – he's gotten an apartment where he's staying with a friend." She didn't need to say the rest of the story, I had heard this tale a thousand times. The loss of their child was too difficult for the couple to survive and they parted ways. She could apparently tell I knew because she added, "Would you not say anything to Lily about that? I don't want her to know. It'll be better if she doesn't. I don't want her to go thinking that this was her fault. She shouldn't have to die with that sort of guilt."
"I understand," I said and gave my word I wouldn't say anything. She thanked me, touching my forearm lightly, and then turned and walked briskly out of the hospital. Sucking in a calming breath, I went back into JD's room. "Alright, Lily, time for you to get back in your own room. I have to go home so I can't stay tonight to stop the nurses from antagonizing you."
Lily frowned grudgingly but she knew better than to argue when I scooped her up and lowered her into the wheelchair. "Bye JD, danks for lettin' me howd Shammy."
"No problem," JD said with a bright grin. This did something to ease the frown on Lily's face. "I'll see you tomorrow."
I had started the chair for the door when Lily suddenly looked over her shoulder and added, "Love you JD." I froze in absolute shock but JD took it in stride.
"Love you too, Lils. Get some sleep." He looked up at me and nodded, pulling me back to reality enough to get her out of the room. I had noticed the father-daughter type relationship between them, of course, but this was enough to effectively stun me. Their parting had sounded completely casual and natural, as if she was truly his daughter and she was saying goodbye before heading for the school bus.
"'E mishes you." Lily's abrupt statement pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked down at her questioningly. "JD. 'E mishes you. Why don' you stay an' talk 'nymore?"
"I'm busy with work," I said simply. "I run this place, Lily. That means a lot of work to do."
"You ushed to stay and talk 'nyway," she pointed out, tilting her head back to look up at me. "'E shaid it's harder to 'member things now than at firsht and I dink it's 'cause you don' come. And–" she paused, clearly considering whether she should say what she was thinking or not, "it makes 'im shad you don' come, 'cause he dinks you are mad, even dough I shaid you're not. It also makes 'im crazy dat 'e 'members you best but can't tell why and you don' talk to 'im."
We had reached Lily's room and I was grateful for a valid reason to end this conversation. That uncomfortable pain in my chest was back again and I was starting to feel just a little queasy. Had there been something wrong with my lunch? That tomato had tasted a little spoiled. How was it Lily had managed to say so many things that had been bothering my conscience? Carla must have been giving her mind-reading lessons or something. There was no way every one of my fears could have been true for JD to confess to her, and for her, in turn, to guilt me with.
"Alright, enough playing Dr. Phil for you, missy," I said, forcing a good-humored smile onto my face. I scooped her out of the chair and slipped her into the bed, helping her pull the blankets up over her legs. Lack of use had let them get really thin and white, much like the rest of her body was beginning to turn. "Now I think you should go to sleep. You've had a very long day."
"Promishe you'll talk to 'im?" Lily asked, her quaking hand landing on my bare forearm surprisingly forcefully for someone with so little muscle control. She was staring up at me, her eyes clearly focused for once, and there was a pleading sincerity in her eyes. "For me?"
Ouch, the words no one could possibly escape. Even me, the great Perry Cox, had no way to dodge out of that one. "Okay, I promise," I said. "For you, I'll talk to him until I'm blue in the face."
Lily laughed weakly and laid her head down into the pillows. "You'd look funny blue," she murmured sleepily and before I could chuckle in reply she was asleep. I set her limp hand gently on the bed, leaning down to brush a strand of loose hair off her forehead, and then left.
Alright, so trying to avoid JD to make things go back to normal was obviously not working. Time to find another plan. Thoroughly exhausted from what had proven to be a remarkably long and wearing day, I hastily gathered my stuff and readied to leave, only stopping to say a quick goodnight to JD before going home. Because I'd promised Lily.