Chapter 14 – My Five Stages in Five Minutes
One of the single worst things about life is saying good-bye. All good things, and mercifully the bad things too, eventually come to an end. Sometimes you are expecting them, like when you know that your vacation is ending and you have to go back to work. Other times they come out of the blue, like when your favorite restaurant suddenly goes belly up. But no matter how they come at you, farewells always suck. What really matters when it comes to it is making sure that you do them right and that you never take for granted the chance to have experienced the thing before it ended.
It had been a trying two weeks for me, to say the least. Of course anyone would agree that getting into a car wreck, nearly dying, losing your entire history, and being strung up in a hospital with no idea who you are and in serious pain all the time, well, it just doesn't sound like it's the most ideal way to pass time. Honestly though the only part of that which really bothered me was the memory thing. And the serious pain thing, but with my best friend morphine I coped okay. What had been so horribly frustrating was the fact that the one person who my memories seemed to be clinging so tightly to was avoiding me like I was some sort of mutant disease-carrying monster.
I was not left alone to brood a whole lot, thankfully, or I might have driven myself into another breakdown. I had had a few of them, but always at night when I was alone and I made sure that no one would be able to tell. Especially not my friends. They seemed to draw some form of comfort from the fact that I always appeared happy despite it all. I assumed that it was because of my personality, and my behaving like I used to was a hopeful sign of my possible recovery. But frankly, I was making absolutely no improvements and I knew it.
Still, when my friends came in they were always trying to display complete confidence in my ability to come back. Well, except maybe Elliot, who would get teary-eyed every time I failed to understand some form of inside joke I assume I would have known before. This usually resulted in her murmuring a high-pitched apology and running out of the room with her hands over her mouth, whispering 'frick' to herself. Every time this happened I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. I wasn't sure whether this was a new development or some of my old self coming back to me, but I really, really liked her. I mean, she is neurotic and insane and obsessive and a bit of a control freak, but there was something so sweet and innocent under all that. I think – although I'm not sure because I can't remember what it's supposed to feel like or even if I'd ever felt it before – but I think I'm falling for her.
Turk and Carla have been real lifesavers too. Carla always seems to sense when I am starting to get overwhelmed and stressed, and she manages to calm me down without ever revealing that I needed calming down in the first place. That Izzy is a lucky kid, she's got an awesome mom. And for some reason whenever Turk even walks into the room I feel myself smiling. Maybe it's more of my old life coming back, or maybe it's just his infectious personality, but whatever it is, it's good. I've managed to relearn most of the nicknames we use and he seemed to almost explode with happiness when one day I randomly reached up and pulled the saltine cracker from behind his ear. He was ecstatic that I had remembered how to play 'Find the Saltine' (sounds pretty self-explanatory to me, how 'bout you?), and I couldn't bring myself to admit that I only grabbed it because it was weirding me out. Still, we always managed to have fun and, on evenings when Carla was working later than him, he would bring the Gilmore Girls DVDs in and we would watch the show together. Turns out I still really like the show, accident or no.
And despite having no inkling about our relationship, I am so utterly grateful to Kim for bringing Sam in so often. She rarely stays in the room very often, usually dropping Sammy off and then heading down to the coffee shop or to run errands while I 'babysit.' I don't care that she does this, because being with Sam makes me feel good again. When I am holding him and he's smiling up at me, it feels like there's one less hole in my life. I know without a doubt that Sammy is my little boy and that he loves me and I want to be there for him for the rest of his life. He may not be able to talk but he tells me more about myself than anyone else with their stories and photo albums could.
Of course my strongest lifeline at the moment is Lily Marks. She has come down to sit in my room every day since she found me, rejoicing when I was moved down onto her floor so it was a shorter trip, and we talk from the moment she gets here to the minute she has to go back to her room. We talk about everything, from funny stories I had learned about my friends to celebrity gossip she read out of magazines her mom brought her to her own stories from soccer camps and weekends at her grandpa's house before he died. It never really mattered what we were talking about in the end, we just drew comfort from having someone else to be able to talk to. My friends were always trying to talk to me about the past that I couldn't remember, which made me feel out of the loop, and her parents had stopped showing up quite as often so she would have spent all her time alone. We were always there for each other and we didn't have to talk about the fact that I couldn't remember the previous thirty-something years of my life or that she only had a few weeks left of hers. We were each other's comfort blanket.
The big hole in this happy little thing was the fact that Dr. Cox had stopped coming to hang out like he used to. For the first few days I was here he had come in and spent most of every day in with me. He never said a whole lot but just having his presence there had made everything feel safer. It was like he was this shield that protected me from all the negative thoughts in my head and from the pressure of having no memory of myself. I still had no idea who he was to me, although I had deduced that he was probably my boss since he ran the hospital where I had worked, but I knew there had to be more to it than that. Why would the person I felt the most connection to be just my boss? I had considered the possibility that he was my father at one point, which sort of felt right in my head, but then I found the pictures of Sam Dorian and I knew that this man was my dad. But then who was Dr. Cox?
The puzzling questions only got worse when he stopped showing up. It had been after that day when I had the first really bad nightmare. I had had a few nightmares before, to be honest I had them just about every night, but this one had been excruciatingly worse than the others and I had woken up screaming. Dr. Cox was there and he comforted me while I cried myself into a state of embarrassed calm. Why had I cried in front of him? That was bad. I had expected the usual mocking jibes but instead he had been extremely understanding, which I knew was weird even without remembering. Dr. Cox just wasn't the sort of guy to watch a man cry and not make some joke about him being a girl. And then after that day he had stopped coming.
I tried to rope him into conversation when he came in but he kept his answers short and then left once he was done with checking vitals. Gradually I just gave up, retreating into an inner cocoon of rejection that I kept hidden from everyone but Lily. She understood me; she had been telling me about how her father never came to see her anymore and she thought he didn't love her because she was dying. I had managed to convince her that wasn't the truth, just like she had tried to convince me that Dr. Cox wasn't angry at me for breaking down, but deep down both of us still believed our own fears.
As I watched Lily slowly declining healthwise, I couldn't fathom how her father would not want to be there for her. How could a parent not want to be with their child for every last second they had of life? Especially when the parents knew that their child didn't have very long to go? I knew that if Sam were dying, I would never leave his side for a second even if it meant I stayed in that hospital for years. So I did the best thing I could think to do for Lily, and I made sure that I stayed with her and kept her happy for every second that I could. I stepped up to the plate that I felt her parents had dropped and did everything that I could to keep her smiling and keep her mind off her impending deadline. And a few days ago when she was dozing off next to me, I had whispered for her to just fall asleep and she had mumbled an, "mkay daddy," before slipping off with her face nestled on my shoulder. For a second I had stiffened but then relaxed with the knowledge that I loved her like she was my own daughter and if I could be a father for a girl who felt she had none, then that was exactly what I would do. I owed her that much, that was for sure.
I tried to fulfill as many of her little secret wishes as I could. I let her draw shaky pictures all over my cast, because she liked to draw, and when she got frustrated because the pictures were wiggly because she couldn't hold her hand right, I assured her they were the most beautiful flowers and puppies I had ever seen. After that she had beamed and she bent to add a scribbled 'Get better JD' with a heart and her name underneath it. The nurses had frowned at the mess of my cast but I loved it. Then when she came in one day while I had Sam and she told me that she had never gotten to hold a baby before, I helped her to cradle him. She didn't even seem bothered by the fact that I had to hold her arms firmly with my own so that she didn't drop him. She simply beamed at the little boy and cooed and baby-talked to him in her weak, slurred voice. I had fought back tears during this.
That was the day Dr. Cox brought Lily's parents down to my room instead of making her go back to her room. I had met her mother a few times but this was the first time I had met her father. The expression on his face, as if he had absolutely no emotions, frightened me. He said nothing and when Dr. Cox had left he had followed him out into the hall. Lily was talking with her mother about Sam, but I watched the two of them exchange words which I could tell were heated, and then her dad had come in to say he was leaving. The first words he had said to her were goodbye. I wiped the tears from Lily's cheeks after he had disappeared.
Later that night, after Lily and her mother had gone, I was sitting in the silence trying to focus. For some reason the memories seemed to be getting gradually harder and harder to grasp. When I had first woken up over two weeks ago, little things could trigger me into remembering things. They were always little things, just a name or a place or even just that vague sense of familiarity, but they gave me hope. It meant that my memories weren't beyond my reach. But as time had passed that fuzzy barrier separating me from my past had gotten thicker and it was a lot less often that I managed to drag some miniscule detail through it. As much as I tried to cling to optimism, my hopes were fading.
A noise had caught my attention and I looked up to see Dr. Cox standing in the door. He looked a little uncomfortable and I wondered if he was here for one last vitals check for the night. I glanced back down at my hands to resume my musing.
"Get some sleep, eh, Mary?"
I looked back up again in surprise, in just enough time to catch Dr. Cox giving me a small smile before turning and walking away. I barely managed to yell out, "G'night, Dr. Cox," at his retreating back and I saw him lift a hand in farewell before vanishing from my line of sight. For a long time I just stared at the doorway in amazement, trying to grasp what had just happened. After two solid weeks of ignoring me as best as he possibly could, Dr. Cox had randomly dropped by to say good-bye before going home. Bizarre much? And to top it off he had called me 'Mary.' Since my breakdown he had only ever called me 'JD,' but never 'Newbie' or some girl's name. It was then that I realized I actually kinda liked the names. They were normal. They meant that he was acknowledging my presence. When he called me by just my name it meant I was just a patient he was addressing. Coming from Dr. Cox, Newbie or 'insert girl's name here' were sort of like terms of endearment. A nickname just for me. Or a good couple dozen nicknames, really. A burst of pleasure filled me and for the first time since my accident, my sleep was peaceful and relaxing.
The next day I grinned upon seeing Lily in front of Dr. Cox as he came to make his first of the morning check. "Morning there, Chloe," he remarked as they entered the room and I thought I saw the smile on Lily's face brighten. Dr. Cox settled her on the bed beside me and then, to my surprise, dropped down into the visitor's chair and propped his feet up on the corner of the bed with his arms loosely folded on his chest. While Lily and I gossiped about anything we could think of as usual, Dr. Cox simply sat there and listened but it didn't bother either of us. He was there and that was what mattered.
"Oh, 'ave you sheen the drailer for dat new Ecksh-men movie?" Lily asked me brightly, quivering with excitement. By now I could tell the difference between her tremors, and whether they were medically or excitement-ly induced. "Dat guy who playsh Wolverine, 'Oo Jackman, 'e ish so 'ot." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Dr. Cox's jaw clench and he sat up very quickly, trying not to glare at Lily. "Whad I do?"
"He just doesn't like Hugh Jackman," I said by way of explanation, giving a one-shouldered shrug. Both sets of eyes suddenly fixed on me in shock. I very nearly repeated Lily's question of 'What'd I do?'
"Newbie, when did I tell you that?" Dr. Cox asked suspiciously.
"When you – you were–" I froze, thinking hard but coming up with no distinct memory. I had no memory of having ever been told it, but I knew for a fact that Dr. Cox absolutely hated Hugh Jackman. An ecstatic grin split my face as I said, "You – you didn't."
"You 'membered on your own!" Lily squealed in celebration. Dr. Cox could only stare at me in all too obvious disbelief. I would have thought this very weird if I wasn't just as stunned. After all this time of the details evading me, I had managed to remember something else on my own again. Maybe the hope wasn't all gone.
Dr. Cox left after only an hour but I was still too psyched to be bothered. He had stayed for more than five minutes, and I was satisfied with that. Whenever he came back for checks he would stand and chat for a few minutes, mostly to berate Lily for her love of Hugh Jackman, but the tension seemed to have cleared a lot and it was the happiest day I had known in a while.
It got better when Turk came and checked on the sutures in my head and informed me they were coming great and my hair was even starting to grow back okay (at which point I had a mini-panic-attack at the thought of my hair having been shaved) and that in a few days they could take off the bandages that I had to constantly have around my head to prevent infections. This exciting news was celebrated with a round of chocolate pudding cups that Turk had snuck up, managing to hide them from Carla who would kill him if she found out he was eating sugar since he'd apparently already had his bi-yearly chocolate bar. Poor C-Bear.
Later that evening when Elliot was getting off her shift she came in and talked to me again, and for once I felt I was actually able to follow most of what she was saying at that lightning pace. That fluttery feeling in my chest was getting stronger and I knew now that I had developed at least a very strong crush on her. When she went to leave she bent to kiss my cheek as usual but to my surprise, but not to my displeasure, it wound up landing right at the corner of my mouth. We both blushed scarlet and she left quickly, but I saw her smile reflected in the window as she did and it mirrored my own grin.
I drifted off easily shortly after and once again my sleep was calm and comforting.
I was dressed in thick, furry snow gear as I trekked through a big expanse of white snow. Ahead of me was a huge crowd of penguins and I crept forward carefully, afraid of attracting their attention. Suddenly the piece of ice I was standing on began pitching wildly and I yelped, trying to steady myself. However the penguins all looked up and I was scared to see they were all now wearing ninja headbands. With war cries, they all launched at me and attacked, making the weak ice under me wobble dangerously again.
"Damn it, Alice, wake up, would ya?"
"That penguin stole my underwear!" I blurted in surprise and fear. How had he done that? I was still wearing my pants! I blinked a few times and the white flatland was suddenly much darker. Wait a second, I'm not wearing pants. Why am I not wearing pants? Did the penguins steal those too? I blink several more times, attempting to figure out just what happened.
"Good Lord, Veronica," a voice said from above my shoulder. Why was Dr. Cox in Antarctica? A sharp whistle made me flinch and suddenly my vision seemed to clear. I wasn't in the tundra, I was in a hospital room. Oops, it was just a dream.
"Dr. Cox?" I asked blearily, glancing up at him. It was really dark in the room and I could tell it was still night. With a little work I got an idea of Dr. Cox's expression. Why was he angry? Was I not supposed to sleep? Or was he just mad that I let the penguins steal my underwear? Oh right, no penguins, no underwear, just a dream.
"There you are," Dr. Cox said but his sarcasm seemed a little forced. His forehead was wrinkled, hair disheveled, and his mouth was set in a firm, thin line. "Newbie, you gotta wake up and listen to me, okay?"
I nodded slowly, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and vainly trying to repress a yawn. "What's up?" I asked, again taking in the late hour with bewilderment.
Dr. Cox quite abruptly sank into the chair by my bed and rubbed his hands up and down his face and then into his hair. I knew that sign, that meant he was stressed. "Lily's gone."
"Gone?" I asked, confused. "Where?" Lily couldn't possibly go anywhere, she couldn't walk or move her wheelchair. Unless maybe she had an electronic one. Those would be fun to drive around in.
"Gone, Newbie," Dr. Cox said, emphasizing the first word heavily. He sat forward with his elbows on his knees, staring at me expectantly. I couldn't figure out what he meant. Gone? What was that supposed to – oh. Oh god.
"No," I gasped out, suddenly feeling like my chest had caved in. She was gone. Gone. Dead. "No," I said again, this time with defensiveness. It couldn't be. She couldn't be gone. She was just in here this morning, talking to me about X-men and arguing with Dr. Cox about whether or not Hugh Jackman should be shot. Lily couldn't be dead. "No."
"It was her Huntington's. She had another seizure," Dr. Cox was saying in that overly-slow, overly-calm voice. "Her body couldn't take the stress, her heart stopped. They tried and tried but by the time they got her heart restarted she was already brain dead. Her mother made the decision to pull the plug about three minutes before I got here." He paused and then added, his voice suddenly thick, "JD, I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye."
"No!" I shrieked. I felt an inexplicable rage as I glared at him. "You're lying! She's not dead. How could you lie about something like that? You're horrible! You're lying!" Dr. Cox jumped up and placed his hands on my shoulders, holding me against the mattress as I tried to lash out in my blind fury. After a few minutes of struggling and screaming at Dr. Cox, my voice faded and I started shaking my head. At this I was let up from the pillows and wrapped in Dr. Cox's arms.
"Why her?" I asked and even to me my voice sounded hollow. "Why not anyone else? Surely there are other people more ready to die. Couldn't he – couldn't he take someone else? Anyone else? Not her, she doesn't deserve it." I fell into silent prayers, asking God to bring Lily back no matter the cost. I would do anything to give her the chance to go to the prom and play high school softball and get married and have her own family. Anything.
She was gone. The person whose bright love of life had been my strongest motivation to fight for my life back. The little girl who I had comforted and loved like my own child. Lily, my best friend in this new life, was dead. Uncontrollable sobs tried to push their way through my constricted throat but I did everything I could to keep them quiet and inside. Still, I clung tightly to Dr. Cox, resting my head on his shoulder as the sweeping depression coursed through me.
It felt like it was hours and hours later when I finally stilled and felt a sense of control over my body again, but it couldn't have been because the sky was still dark outside. Dr. Cox slipped back down into his chair, brushing his hands over his face again, and watched me as I sat in silence, staring at the foot of my bed. I could see her standing there, as bright and cheerful as she had been the day she'd arrived at the hospital. I couldn't remember our first meeting, but I was sure she had looked like this. There was no paleness, no muscle spasms, no pain in her eyes. Just her beautiful smile.
"She's gone," I said and my voice was not hollow and empty but calm, if unsteady. "She's really gone."
"She's in a better place," Dr. Cox said. I knew he didn't actually believe in religion or heaven, but he had said it to comfort me. And maybe to comfort himself. Anyone would want to think that Lily had gone to a more beautiful place.
Have fun in heaven, Lily, I said in my mind to the image at the foot of my bed. Judging by the expression I saw on Dr. Cox's face out of the corner of my eye, I think I mighta said it out loud too. I hope it's full of fluffy kittens and oreo milkshakes and an Olympic stadium for you to play softball and a lot of handsome guys who will dance with you while you're dressed up like a princess.
Lily answered in my head, still smiling. I'll keep an eye on you and make sure you are always happy like you always made me happy. Thanks for everything. Tell everyone I said thanks and bye, especially Mr. Grumpy-pants. At this she gestured at Dr. Cox, who was watching me curiously as I gave a small smile, still staring at the space at the end of my bed. He loves you JD, don't ever let him convince you otherwise. I nodded and blinked back another round of tears. You were my best friend JD. I love you.
"I love you too," I whispered. Lily smiled and waved at me. I lifted a hand in a small wave and murmured, "Bye Lily." I blinked and she was gone. "Bye," I repeated and I heard Dr. Cox mutter a quiet, "Take care, kiddo," while looking in the direction I was staring. I turned to him and gave a sad smile. "She'll be happy up there," I said certainly. "She deserves the best piece of heaven and more."
"Hear, hear," Dr. Cox said in agreement, nodding his head, and we sat in a companionable silence of mourning until the sun finally crested the horizon.