AN: Okay once again not thoroughly pleased with this chapter. It feels a little like it strays ooc at points for me, but so far every time I say that you guys disagree with me so I'll leave the judging up to you guys once again. I really tried to play up the honourable side of Perry while still maintaining that Vintage Cox. Oh and be prepared for a whole lot of JD angsty goodness.
Chapter 15 – His Promise-Keeping
Promises are a special sort of thing that a lot of us really take for granted. We 'promise' our wife we'll clean out the garage, or our parents that we'll call more often. We 'promise' our little kids that we will be around forever to chase monsters out of their closets and stop them from ever getting hurt. There are a lot of promises we make that we either don't intend to keep, or that we just can't. But every once in a while you make a promise that you have to honor no matter how uncomfortable it might make you. Because you have to.
Five days. That would make this day twenty-four of Newbie's stay in Sacred Heart. Could it be true the kid had been here nearly a month? Good thing being a doctor here got him pretty decent medical insurance or he'd be looking at a med-school-student-loans worth of hospital bills for when he got out of here. At the moment though, I was positive that bills were the furthest thing from his mind.
"You got that there, Anna?" I asked, watching the kid trying to slip his arm through the sleeve of a black sports jacket. Newbie grunted and gave a small nod, shrugging the jacket into place. That was how the majority of the answers I had gotten from him had been for the last five days; few to no words at all. He was an emotional lockdown, his expression always stoic and his eyes distant. He didn't get angry, he didn't cry, he didn't talk. It was unfortunately oddly reminiscent.
I shifted uncomfortably in my suit, sliding the knot in the tie that Carla had tightened around my neck back down to my chest. I hadn't wanted it tightened to begin with but she was insisting I needed to look good. It wasn't like I wouldn't fix it later, it was just making it extremely hard to breathe right now. I was already having a difficult time keeping my breathing steady as it was. When had I stepped into an alternate reality where Newbie was the emotional cripple and I was the girl? I need a scotch.
"You ready to go then?" I asked, glancing at my watch. Newbie nodded, not looking at me. He was dressed as well as could be managed in his condition; a crisp white tee-shirt, sport jacket, and a pair of black exercise pants that buttoned up the sides so we could arrange them around the cast on his leg. The bandages had finally been taken off his head yesterday and Carla had come in to comb his rather mangy hair into a way where the stitches and staples wouldn't be as visible. You could still see them if you knew where to look, because the hair was thinner from being shaved off, but it would do.
Without another word I had stepped up behind the wheelchair and we headed out of the hospital room and to the elevator. I felt the eyes on us as we went but, in my typical fashion, I ignored them. The one intern that seemed to be getting close to us got growled at, surprisingly not by me, and quickly scurried off. Turk gave me an encouraging smile, presumably showing it to me because Newbie was staring straight ahead and wouldn't look at anyone. Carla had nodded, her eyes a little misty, and then mimed fixing a tie. I only rolled my eyes in response.
The car ride had been silent. Newbie stared out the window, his forehead resting on the glass and his expression still unmoving. A few times I tentatively tried to start a conversation with something along the lines of, "You okay there, Janet?" but got nothing more than a grunted affirmation or a jerk of the head I assumed was a nod. Getting anxious, I had flipped the radio on. When it began instantly keening out a slow, mournful ballad about death I hastily shut it off before it could do more damage.
And then we were there. It was a quaint little place, green and bright and fresh despite being mid-autumn. The trees were colorful streaks of orange and red against the clear slate of blue sky. I liked to think that the area had spruced itself up just for this. Just for her. Damn, I'm getting sentimental. Hopefully this role reversal thing would end before I started braiding my hair and fussing over lace panties. I had to choke back the scoffing noise I nearly made at this.
I unfolded the wheelchair from the back of my Porsche and helped the still-blank-faced Newbie into it. A few people gave us odd looks as we cut a line across the grass, but then I spotted a familiar face standing at the front line of chairs that gave us a sad smile filled with gratitude for being there. She gestured us toward the row of chairs and I settled Newbie's chair beside the end of the front row. I had turned on my heel to stand somewhere in the back and out of the way of the family, but a slim hand latched around my wrist and stopped me. When I looked down I found the owner still looking forward into space silently, but the slightest tremor in his slowly-blinking eyes made me turn around and plant myself in the chair beside him. He couldn't say it but he needed me there. And for this I would indulge him. However before anyone got a chance to talk to us, a man in a clerical robe stepped up to a small podium and all of the black clad people bustled to get seated.
I had a hard time listening to the service. I felt extremely out of place, being up there, but I tried to reason with myself that, emotional needs aside, I had to stay with Newbie anyway. I was his doctor and he was technically out of the hospital long before it was medically safe. When I had told Gandhi to find the clothes for Newbie I had expected to hear that argument from someone, if not Baldy then from either Barbie or Carla, but for once, a little disturbingly if you ask me, we were all thinking the same thing. Newbie needed this.
Getting alarmed at the detached look on Newbie's face, I decided to focus on something else. After panning over the crowd of grim-faced people and the solemn but unemotional priest, my eyes settled on the white rectangular box. It was a beautiful piece of art for being something so gruesome. Made of clean corners and polished silver trimming, I think it was meant to be an image of purity and innocence. I, on the other hand, was having a very difficult time imagining a coffin as innocent. It was a death box, a trap that kept life and beauty hidden beneath its surface and beneath the ground. That pure little pine case was going to be holding her for the rest of time when she should be in the arms of the people who loved her. No, nothing innocent about a coffin.
The priest had moved aside now and I saw the mother, the one who had smiled and gestured us over to join her, standing at the podium. Her face was flushed and her eyes swollen, and she was clutching a cloth handkerchief in a vice-like grip as she cleared her throat. "Lily was a gift from God," she started out in a shaking voice. "I never thought I would be able to have a child, but then she came along and she was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. We loved her. Everyone loved her."
I titled my head down, not able to listen to this anymore. A thick lump had risen into my throat and my chest felt as if it were being crushed inward. Feeling my eyes burn I closed them and gripped my hands together in my lap until I felt the sensation pass. I wasn't going to get emotional, damned alternate reality or not.
A few minutes later her mother had stopped talking, heading back for her seat with her square of cloth pressed to her face as she openly cried. The priest approached the stand again. "If there is anyone else who would like to say a word you may do so now," he announced and then moved aside again, stationing himself a couple feet away. A line of various relatives tottered up, gabbling about remembering little things from her youth like birthday parties and bike rides. A boy who was apparently Lily's best friend from school had talked about how they had met in kindergarten and that he instantly knew how 'awesome' she was, and the ways they had helped each other while growing up. When he was reduced to tears he escaped back into the arms of his mother and the podium was empty for a second.
The priest was looking around patiently, waiting to see if anyone else would approach. When no one else stood he returned to the stand and said a slow prayer followed by a moment of silence. Then we all watched as that little white box was lowered into the dark hole. After a moment her mother walked forward, a wide, bright sunflower clutched in her hand, and stood at the edge of the grave. She seemed to be whispering to herself and then took a deep breath and dropped the flower into the hole. Another young woman, who looked like she might have been her sister, joined her, tossing in a similar flower, and then escorted her away.
As Lily's father was approaching the grave her mother came toward us. Wordlessly, she handed a flower to both of us and then wandered off with her companion. A few more people, presumably the close family as well as the best friend, tossed in their own flowers and the crowd headed to their cars. Eventually only Newbie and I were sitting at the gravesite, still holding the flowers and not moving. I knew what I needed to do, I just couldn't do it.
Promise you'll talk to him. For me?
"I'm gonna miss her," I said, heaving a sigh and leaning back into the hard chair. "She – she was a good kid. You don't meet a whole lot like her." A slight head jerk was the response. "These last few days have been so different without her there. I got so used to her always being there that I never really prepared myself for when she would be gone. I never expected her to go so fast like that. I – I can't imagine what it's like for you now. You two were always together." No reaction but I saw something flicker in those vacant eyes. My god this kid could be stubborn. "Newbie, I know you're trying not to but you really need to let it out."
"I did."
That was the closest I'd gotten to a real answer in five days. However it was a little victory considering it was a lie. "A little temper tantrum the night it happened doesn't count, kid," I informed him bluntly. I knew well enough being nice wasn't the easiest way to break him down, and besides, I was better at this. "I know how much she meant to you, you can't tell me the only mourning she deserves is a half-asleep hissy fit." His shoulders stiffened at this. Finally, a real reaction. I folded my arms on my chest, readying to go in for the final blow. "Real show of gratitude there, Christina."
Newbie growled and when I glanced over he was finally looking at me, his eyes flashing and his jaw set. "Don't accuse me of not being grateful," he said in a dangerously low voice. I simply raised an eyebrow, silently daring him to prove me wrong. "I had lost everything when Lily showed up. She spent her every minute stopping me from dwelling on the fact that I have no life anymore. It's why I did everything I possibly could to return the favor, to keep her happy. We both had lost our lives, but I had a chance to get mine back and she wanted me to even though she was still going to lose hers. I know that you don't find compassion like that anywhere. You know, there were days I just wanted to give up. Just turn up my morphine drip and not have to worry about all this mess anymore. But then every time that happened she was there to remind me of all the good things that I had to come back for. It was like she had this sixth sense for when I was giving up."
This startled me a little more than I wanted to let on. I knew the kid was having a hard time but I didn't picture him doing something that drastic. So I had to cover it with humor. "You do know that I'm gonna have to keep you on permanent watch now," I said casually.
"Don't bother, I won't do it," Newbie said and shrugged. "After all she did, it'd be rude to her memory to give up. Besides, Lily or not, I can't do that to Sammy." Inwardly I was sighing in relief. Suicidal Newbie actually scared me. There was a long silence again and we both seemed to be wrapped up in our own thoughts. "I'm gonna miss her too."
"I know, Newbie." Silence. Apparently this was not going to work on getting the kid to crack. Figures Newbie would have to be obstinate and complicated about it. Most days he was ready to pour out his every emotion to me, but since his accident he'd been getting more and more closed off. Fine, time to go the roundabout way. "You wanna talk about somethin' else?"
"Please?"
"How you holding up without the morphine?" I asked. We'd had to take him off the drip when we'd left the hospital, so he was surviving on only what was left in his system. I had a small syringe of it in the inside pocket of my jacket but we were trying to avoid using it since giving it off hospital grounds was technically illegal. Not that I was that concerned, but Newbie had always been a little less rebellious than me and more afraid of the cops, even without memory of being such a puss.
"Alright," Newbie said with a shallow shrug. "I'll be okay a little longer, it's just a little achy now. And my head itches."
"That's good, means its healing. You know it really – Britney, no scratching!" Out of the corner of my eye I saw the kid abruptly lowering his hand back to his lap, the surprised look on his face as he stared at it showing he probably hadn't realized he'd lifted it in the first place. The guy has the will power and attention span of a two year old, honestly. "As I was saying," I said, stressing the words to show my annoyance, "those stitches actually look like they're doing good. You're a pretty fast healer there, Judy."
"Yeah, everywhere but my brain," Newbie said grimly.
"You'll get there." Newbie shrugged wordlessly. "You know, Martha, you're certainly a lot less whiny since your accident."
"Am I?" Newbie asked with forced interest. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah, ya know, it actually is," I answered, pouring the sarcasm back on again. "Makes my life a helluva lot easier, lemme tell ya. Listening to you whine like a teenage girl who just found out their boy band crush is gay, well, it's certainly nawt my favorite pastime." I saw Newbie give a half-smile, like he was trying to hide his amusement. When had my rants and insults become amusing to him? Oh, right, since the accident because he now no longer knew I was the man he'd looked up to and that I was purposely trying to degrade his self-esteem. Damn. "But you know, you're also a lot more negative and that's not too great for your healing, especially not the healing inside your head."
Newbie scoffed. "Sorry, but it's a little bit difficult to be positive right now," he said derisively. "It's been a month and I'm still just as clueless as when I woke up, and I even forget details of my life I've already remembered. I have to spend every minute of every day trapped in that insane-asylum-white room. I have a son who's not even a year old yet and I know nothing about his life so far. I have to spend every day pretending that I am still optimistic because it's what everyone seems to expect from me even while I feel far from it, because after all they've done for me I know I have to do something to repay them and my being optimistic seems to give them hope. In the entire month I've been there I haven't heard a single word from any of my family. And to top it all off the person who was the greatest at making me feel normal and healthy and happy is lying dead in that hole."
As I stared at his face, his eyes were locked on that dark, rectangular hole in the ground. There was a faint watery sheen covering those eyes and although his lips were pressed firmly together I could see that his chin was trembling. Here it was, we'd come full circle, back to what I really wanted him to talk about. Of course after hearing his rant I was having a pretty hard time keeping my focus, having gotten a bit of insight into Newbie's head and not expecting to find what I did. However before I could comment on anything, the kid seemed to have spurred up his own anger again.
"So I'm sorry if I'm not exactly holding my breath for a miracle," he spat. "I'm sorry that I can't just suck it up and be okay with the fact that my entire life has been ripped out from under me. But God damn it, Perry, I'd like to see you do it."
"I couldn't." The admission left me before I'd even given it any thought. My voice had been completely flat and serious as I said it, and the kid turned wide eyes on me with a look of purest shock on his face. It took a second to process what I'd said myself, but once I did I didn't take it back. It may have been out-of-the-blue, as well as uncharacteristically understanding from a guy like me, but that didn't change the fact that it was true.
"I couldn't do it," I said again, this time more firmly. "I wouldn't have lasted this long, that's for damn sure. And I'm proud of you, I really am. But you know, there are reasons for a lot of those things you said. You're stuck in that hospital room because you're still recovering from, you know, that almost dying thing. And the reason your family hasn't come by is because we don't have any numbers for them at the hospital because you neglected to put them on your files since you've never gotten on to well with them, although if you want I'll see if there's somewhere else we can look them up.
"And the reason your friends all want to see you happy is because that's how you always were before and they want to think you're going to recover just as much as you do. Before this all you were the unshakeable one. The rest of us, we all had problems, but you were the one who was always there patching things back together. You saved Barbie every time she was collapsing like her many relationships, and you helped Carla and Gandhi fix their marriage. And even me, you've helped me repair things with Jordan and coping with Ben's death. In the end we are so used to you taking care of us that we don't know how to handle it now that the tables have turned 'round on us. And because, honest to God truth, Peggy, as selfish as it is, none of us can deal with the fact that the one who's always saved us is the one needing saving and we are completely helpless to do that."
There was an unreadable expression in JD's eyes as he stared at me, the seconds pulling by while he seemed to be thinking over my words. I stopped myself from shifting in my chair, well aware of the fact that I had not only bared a whole lot of personal emotions and fears but also had somehow grouped myself in with the kid's friends despite having spent years denying that to everyone, including myself. I was doing it for Lily. That was what I needed to remind myself. For Lily, for Lily, for Lily. Really? Yes, damn it, this is only because I promised Lily.
The expression on Newbie's face flickered but didn't become any more readable. Finally, "Who are you?"
"Why, Newbie, I'm Jesus H. Cox."
Newbie gave the slightest sign of a smile. "Not what I meant and I think you know that."
This was it, the moment to say that word I always deny. Stupid 'm' word. There was no one here to hold it over me, and maybe it would help the kid's memory in the end. If there was one thing he had always been fixed on, it was as claiming me as his – you know. Here goes nothing. "I'm your boss." God damn it, Perry, you chicken ass coward.
"You sure seem to know a lot about me," Newbie remarked with a furrowed brow, heavy on the skepticism and suspicion. Alright, second chance, just say it.
"It's been almost eight years, Wanda, I was bound to learn something about you in that time even though I tried my darndest to avoid that." Oh my God, grow a pair you ninny. When did you become such a girl? "You sort of Velcro-ed yourself to me from the very first day of your internship and I'll be damned if I just can't get you unstuck, even now that I've moved up to spending most of my work hours locked in an office instead of actually helping people like you're supposed to do."
There was a faint frown on the kid's face as the silence settled again, but whether it was from thinking or because my insult had finally stung through that amusement barrier of his I didn't know. "So," he started slowly, as if still thinking this over while saying it, "you were sort of like my mentor?"
And drumroll… A sudden gust of wind charged around us and I saw the kid shivering. Glancing up at the sky I saw that the afternoon was melting into evening, and we had to have been away from the hospital for nearly three hours now. Not good for his health. And an easy out.
"Alright, Bianca, your pretty silk dress just isn't made for this weather. I think it's time to get you back," I said, standing up. It was only then I remembered the flowers Mrs. Marks had given Newbie and I, although mine looked a little worse for wear since I think I may have closed my fist around it too tightly a time or two. "You've definitely been out of the loony bin for too long, you're getting delusional." I pushed the wheelchair toward the grave while I watched Newbie fingering the flower. We stopped and he leaned forward to peer into the hole. At the bottom was the glossy, white box, partially shadowed by the nearly black earthen walls. A scattered pile of bright yellow flowers glowed up with all of the life and vitality that Lily had once possessed. Yeah, sunflowers were definitely the best flower to represent her. Dear God, you're getting sentimental again, ya girl.
"Be good up there, Lily," I murmured and then tossed the flower. I watched as it landed, making the other flowers bounce and shift as well. A few seconds later Newbie lifted his own flower, rubbing one of the silky petals beneath his fingers. He plucked it off, tucking it into the pocket of his jacket, and then threw the rest of it down to join the others.
"Thanks," was all he said.
And as we headed for the car, I felt like there was a lot less pressure on my conscience. I had talked to the kid, or at least given it the best effort I'd ever given. Either way, even though I still hadn't been able to own up to my position in the kid's mind, I felt like we had reached a different sort of understanding. And inside I was killing myself for doing exactly what I knew was for the worst, by letting the kid get close to me and letting myself show him that I might care just a tiny insignificantly little bit about him. Thanks a load, Lils. Her promise had made me put both myself and the kid in a position where at least one if not both of us was going to end up getting hurt. I sure hope you know what you've done here, lil miss. 'Cause it's you I'm gonna blame when this all inevitably goes wrong.