Chapter Eleven – The Girl.
We sat around the Sirius's house and were laying low for awhile. I was trying to figure out what I should do. Sirius let me stay in his room; where I shut myself up there to think. I could hear footsteps out there but nobody ever came in or knocked on the door. I just sat there terrified of what was to come. I needed to figure this out. I suppose, I could always do it. It'd get me out of Bill's way so he could be with Fleur… it'd be easier on the Weasleys'… It'd be hard for Charlie… But how do I know that they just won't kill me when I get there… or torture information out of me. It was a slippery slope with Death Eaters… But if Voldemort wants me for something, then… only he'd be the one to kill me… The only real question here is: do I want to die?
I heard a soft knock on the door. I looked up and saw Sirius coming in and closing the door.
"Kat, you cannot keep yourself shut up here." He said I shrugged.
"I just… I just have no idea what to do… either way… I could die or be tortured… and who knows what I'll have to do if they actually keep me… I need help." I whispered.
"I don't know why Dumbledore would ask this of you. It's too much for a kid… and you've been through a lot…" Sirius said as he sat on the edge of the bed. I looked at him and he looked much older than he should.
"Sirius… can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"Do you still think about that girl?" I whispered. I wasn't sure if this was an area I wasn't suppose to go but, I just… I wanted to know. I wanted answers.
"Every day." My heart sank.
"Sirius, what happened to the girl?"
"She died." He said matter-o-factly. I shook my head, "I'm so sorry." I whispered.
"It's alright but, if you believe anything I ever say believe this, sometimes you've got to figure out who's important to you. Kat… I understand what you're going through… And I can tell that you still like him… you've got to say something otherwise he'll never know… I saw some memories… you always seem to leave him… Figure out how you feel… then you figure out if you like him and want to stay behind to be with him… okay?" He asked. I looked at him for a long minute. I understood what he meant but…
"Sirius, it's over between us." I whispered.
"You don't believe that though do you?" He asked. I did not answer.
"Sirius, why didn't you just tell your mate about your feelings?" I asked him as he headed towards the door. He stopped dead in his tracks and froze a minute. He sighed and came back to the bed.
"I'll answer any questions you have about her... and him… as long as you don't say a word, deal?" he asked I nodded.
"And, I didn't say anything because… he liked her so much… I mean he'd be chasing her since our first year. That's how I got to know him. And he's a great guy… who took me in when I ran away… I mean… I couldn't tell him that I was in love with his girlfriend… He was my brother…" He said. He smiled slightly and looked up at me.
"It's the same reason Charlie didn't date you back in school. You don't go after another guy's girl… it's just the guy code…" He said.
"Guy code?" I asked him. I'd ever heard of that. If we were talking about such serious (No pun intended) stuff I would've laughed.
"Yeah… it's just like you girls don't date you're best friend's ex's right?" He asked. I nodded as he continued. "So, guys are the same way." He said. It made more sense now.
"But how do you know Charlie liked me?" I asked him. He shrugged, "He's always saving you from Bill… making sure that his little brother didn't hurt you… more than he alright did." He added quietly.
"So, that's what you did for the girl… she was like you're little sister who you had feelings for… and when you were finally ready to say something, your brother told you he liked her?" I asked. It was complicated, but I think I understood it.
"Exactly… I couldn't say anything… I missed my chance." He said. I shook my head.
"No you didn't…" I said he started at me looking slightly confused and again, he looked much older than he was. "She came to you, she told you that she would not marry without affection and you turned her away, you told her that it wouldn't work. You turned her away for your mate…?" I asked again not sure I was right about this.
"That's correct. That is what Charlie has done for Bill and every day when you were in Romania he had to see and watch how unhappy you were… he had to know that his little brother had caused you pain. He knew that he couldn't do anything… and I'm sure…" Sirius paused and looked directly at me when he spoke. "He heard you cry at night…? Held you while you cried?" he asked.
"You are a good friend Sirius Black." I whispered because I realized that he had stopped talking about me and Charlie and Bill and had moved back to him.
"As is Charlie." He said.
"Well, is your mate, is he still… alive?" I whispered the last word.
"No, they died together." He said sadly.
"Even the son?" I asked. He shook his head.
"He lives with his mother's sister." I nodded.
"What got you through it…? How did you handle it?" I asked him.
"Whenever she was happy and smiling… I was happy. Whenever things were all good in her eyes things seemed to get better for me." He said. I thought about this. It seemed so… so peculiar…
"You should try smiling again Kat… it'd make both of your boys happy again." He whispered finishing my thought.
"You should smile… it'd make me happy." I said.
"Kid, I'm old… and things aren't what they use to be…" He said. I shook my head and cut him off, "Please… I'm too… scared to make this decision for Dumbledore but… seeing you all… serious…" I gave a slight laugh. "lack of a better word… but you're just so… un-lively these days…" I whispered.
"I know kid… I'll try how's that?" he asked with a grin.
"It's a start," I muttered. He laughed.
"Sirius, when did you know?" I asked him.
"Know what? When I loved her?" he asked.
"When my mate told me that he had affections for her… I just felt so crushed that I couldn't even be happy or excited for him. I had to lie and say that I wasn't feeling well… I was a mess." He said with his back turned as he left the room. I sat there staring at the door. He was so close to being with his love and two minutes ruined everything. I knew what I had to do… but Charlie didn't still like him anymore now that he had Tonks… so really, I just had to get Bill to say yes, I figured he would.
I headed out of my room and slowly made my way downstairs. The kids had gone back to school now so the house was just filled with Order members. But they usually came and went. Remus stayed a little longer which was nice. I got down stairs and a hand pulled me into a room.
"What's going on?" I asked, as I looked around.
"Sorry Kat, I just wanted to have a private word with you quickly." Remus said. He was sitting on the cot. I sat across from him.
"What's going on?" I asked him slightly worried.
"It's Sirius." He said. I nodded. "Well, he's taken a liking to you and I want you to be careful." He said. I stared at him.
"When you say, 'taken a liking' what do you mean?" I asked him. Remus looked up at me; he stared me straight in the eyes. "I mean, you look a lot like a girl we use to know… he had feelings for her… so be careful… that's his soft spot. Now I can't tell you what to do you I'm warning you. Sirius is my best mate… and what happened all those years ago has made him… somber. I'm afraid he might feel like you are his second chance. Now, he's smart and that won't happen… but there is the tiniest chance that his judgment gets clouded, be careful." Remus said. I nodded. Now I was terrified to go near Sirius.
"Like I said, I just want you to be careful…. Sirius knows you are not…" He paused a minute. "…that girl and I highly doubt he'll make the mistake… so you can talk to him…" He said.
"I understand." I said. He nodded and I headed out of the room.
I had lost all motivation to try and talk to Bill. I sighed and headed down stairs to the kitchen. I slowly headed downstairs. I got in there and Bill was sitting in there drinking from a goblet. I slowly walked in and shut the door.
"Bill, can we talk?" I asked as I headed towards the table.
"Of course." He said eagerly. I smiled at him.
"Bill, I've been thinking and… thanks to something Sirius had told me…" I started. I took a deep breath.
"What did he tell you?" Bill asked.
"A story." I said. "Anyway… um… I was wondering… if you want to… maybe we'd give us another shot?" I ended in a whisper. I wasn't even sure he heard me. I glance up at him and he just started at me I wasn't sure what to make of this.
"I don't think we can Kat." He said and this was the moment, where I should've said something. Anything… "… I mean… it just… I'm with Fleur." He kept going. When he was telling me that he couldn't be with me, I should've say something… but there seemed to be no words in the English Langue… None, even 'I love you' seemed… so… not powerful enough. "…I'm sorry." He finished and headed for the door. I needed to say something.
"Bill!" I nearly shouted. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. "I'm sorry too." That is what I chose to tell Bill. He nodded and walked out. I should've said something. But I couldn't. I waited a minute but I was about to start sobbing, so I quickly started the long climb back to the room. I got up to the second landing and I saw Bill talking to Charlie in their room I quickly headed past and got to Sirius's room. I shut the door behind me and locked it. I ran over to the bed and cried.
Bill, did not want me. I had my chance and I did not take it. I cried for Bill. I cried for myself. But mostly, I cried for Sirius. I just cried. I hoped you couldn't head me weeping. I just curled up in a ball and wanted to die. Perhaps I'll take up Dumbledore's offer.