"When you apologize for showing feeling you apologize for showing truth."
Chapter Twelve – I love you.
Finally my eyes were puffy and red, and I just couldn't cry any more. For some reason, I stopped making tears. I stayed locked up in Sirius's room. This time nobody had tried to brave the door to come and see if I was okay. Everyone knew, I wasn't. Bill had said no. I now knew that I needed to take Dumbledore's offer. If I took that then Bill would be free of me forever and Charlie could finally move on… I highly doubt anyone would miss me when I'm gone.
It's been days of this kind of thought. I just… I'm scared to leave. I'm scared to show the world that I'm vulnerable. I'm scared to show Bill, how much he's hurt me again. I always thought he still liked me but, obliviously, I was wrong. He's with Fleur now… I should've known. I suppose I did keep turning away from him… I suppose maybe I'll be just like Sirius; I messed up my love life when I turned away from him. He's lost forever.
"Kat…?" I heard someone outside the door. "Please unlock the door?" I quickly got up and unlocked the door but made no move to open it. I just walked back to the bed and sat down. The door slowly opened. Sirius slipped in and came and sat down next to me.
"Kat, how are you doing?" He asked. I shrugged. "I'm fine, really." I said carefully.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. He gave me a hug. I buried my head into his chest. "I think I'm going to take Dumbledore's offer… I'll be out of everyone's hair… it'll be easier." I whispered. Sirius pulled back from the hug and stared at me.
"No… you can't…" He whispered. And in that moment, I finally saw a little kid. He looked so scared… so terrified of something.
"I've got to… I can't live with the Weasleys' forever… I can't see Bill and Fleur together… It's better." I promised him. He just stared at me.
"I know you feel that way… but you could always stay here… I've got extra rooms." Sirius said.
"I don't know." I whispered.
"Kat, don't end up like me…"
"But maybe I'm supposed to be like you… maybe I'm meant to be alone." I said carefully.
"That's rubbish; some things are worth fighting for. You two… that is worth fighting for." He said.
"You did fight for her Sirius… you're just a good friend… Bill wants to be with Fleur, then I will not stop him… he's got a right." I said carefully.
"Kat! You are not me! You don't want this life I have. It isn't fun and it isn't worth it! Please… you don't want to be bitter… you need to smile and have fun." He whispered as he had somehow moved closer to me.
"That just isn't me." I whispered as I looked up at him. Sirius had leaned down and kissed me lightly. I pulled back looking at him. I thought about what Remus had told me.
"I'll smile and try to be happy." I said. He smiled and we left his room. Hopefully, the kiss would be a onetime deal. Sirius and I headed out of his room and wandered down towards the kitchen. It was strange feeling this… connected to someone. Sirius was… well, he was understanding. He was mysterious.
We got down to the kitchen and Sirius got some Firewhihskey. He took a swig.
"Want some?" He asked with a crooked smile.
"I shouldn't…." I smiled. He was about to speak – "Hello." Lupin said. He gave me look.
"What's going on? I asked as Lupin sat down.
"Molly and Arthur left for some Order thing… I'll be leaving soon as well." He said.
"Make sure you see me before yow head out. I'll let you two talk." Sirius said as he stood. He grinned at me and took the Firewhiskey with him.
"What happened to being 'careful'?" Lupin asked. He seemed annoyed.
"Nothing happened. I swear! We were only talking." I nearly shouted. Lupin looked wry.
"I understand you're protective of Sirius, but… Remus, we're just friends… that's all!" I Sirius is my best mate. Be careful." He said I nodded and he left. Charlie came into the kitchen.
"Hi Charlie. I haven't seen you for awhile." I said.
"Yeah, what's going on?" He asked as he sat down.
"I was going to ask you the same thing… everything okay?" I asked.
"I've just been busy with Bill." He whispered.
"I think… I'm going to take D Dumbledore's mission…" I said.
"You can't do that!" Bill shouted. Charlie quietly left the room as Bill entered.
"Bill, you don't get a say anymore. I begged you to take me back but you wouldn't! So now I'm making these decisions by myself!" I shouted. I couldn't believe he was upset with me.
"Kat, you could die! Don't you understand this Kat?" Bill shouted as he was pacing around the kitchen.
"Bill I understand that this can be scary…" I said. I stayed still as Bill franticly paced around and… knowing I couldn't comfort him hurt.
"How are you staying so calm? I mean for god shakes! We're talking about your death sentence!" Bill shouted. I stood up. Well actually, I jumped up at how mad he was. He pounded his fists down on the table. I jumped back until I was flat against the wall.
"Bill, please calm down." I whispered. I've never seen him so upset.
"Bill, please…" I whispered. He was standing in front of me. "Bill, please… this hurts! This physically hurts to stand here and see you!" I shouted.
"Just… Bill, just stop. Please, I can't do this anymore." I said as I started to cry. I pushed past Bill and ran upstairs.
I got to the third landing and ran into Sirius's room. I slammed the door shut and ran into someone.
"What's the matter?" Sirius asked.
"It's him! I can't be with him anymore Sirius… it's too hard! Sirius please, don't make go back by him. I can't love him!" I cried into his chest.
"Sirius… it's too hard." I cried.
"Kat… I'm so sorry, darling." He crooned. I looked up at him with big eyes.
"Please stop crying, darling." He whispered, as he wiped my eyes.
"Sirius, does it ever get easier?" I asked. He smiled sadly. "I'm afraid not… time might help you." I fell back into his chest.
"I can't… I just can't!" I cried. Sirius tucked my hair behind my ear. He tilted my head up slightly.
"Kat please, try to relax… I'll get you some water." Sirius smiled. I nodded he headed out.
"Kat?"
"Yeah Charlie?"
"Are you okay?" He asked as he walked in.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just want to be alone." I said as I wiped my eyes. Charlie gave me a quick hug.
"Charlie, I'm sorry for everything." I whispered.
"Bill should've agreed… he's out of sorts about everything…" Charlie said.
"I'll be fine Charlie. I promised." I smiled. He gave a chuckle.
"Do you mind if I have a word?" Sirius asked. Charlie left.
"How you doing, kid?" He asked as he handed me the water. He sat down next to me.
"Sirius, I can't keep pretending I'm okay with this. Please, what happens now?" I asked. I set my glass down.
"Darling… Please, it hurts to see you upset." He said softly.
"I'm sorry. Everything is so… stupid!" I shouted.
"Kat, please…" He whispered. Before I knew what I was doing I leaned in and kissed him. I knew that kissing him was wrong but, he was so sweet and kind. He understood w hat I was going through.
I pulled back smiling. "Sirius, we can't." I panted. He chuckled.
"I'm sorry, love." I opened my eyes.
"Sirius, what happened to that girl… after the wedding, I mean?" I asked.
"We wrote… But… I couldn't handle seeing them happy… I slowly lost touch until she wrote me asking to visit…" He said.
"What's going to happen to me?" I whispered.
"You'll be fine." Sirius smiled. I leaned forward and my forehead was on his chest.
"You'll be just fine." Sirius whispered.
"How do you, do it?" I asked him.
"What'd you man?" He asked. I looked up at him.
"Do… I suppose, how did you stand again? I mean you're strong…" I clarified.
"Well, I was bitter, still am sometimes but after awhile it's easier. Now I can't promise it'll completely easy at times but, you just need to smile. It'd be better for all your boys." He said.
"So, no moping?" I asked.
"Kay, just try not to worry so much." Sirius chuckled as he kissed the top of my head.
"Let's eat dinner." He said. I nodded as Sirius opened the door.
"Wash up and we'll all eat before Remus leaves." Sirius said as he left. I slowly got up and headed towards the bathroom.
"What are you doing out here?" I asked.
"I want to talk to you Kat."
"Bill," I started. He stopped me.
"I'm in love with you!"
"Oh man! And the hits just keep on coming!" I shouted.
"Kat, we're great together!" He shouted back.
"Bill, I begged you to take me back… AND YOU SAID NO!" I shrieked and quickly pressed on. "And as if that wasn't enough, I had to sit there and try to think of something to say to you… so I could keep you. BUT NOTHING WAS GOOD ENOUGH!! So I let you go… I've decided to accept it… what the hell do you want from me Bill!" I shouted.
"Katherine… please…" He said.
"Why??? Are you crazy! What's wrong with you?" I shouted. I heard feet pounding up the steps. "What the hell were you thinking? Oh that's right… YOU WEREN'T!!" I shouted. I turned away as the pounding got louder.
I turned back towards Bill and started hitting his chest. He grabbed my hands.
"Kat, what is the value in life if we are not together?" he asked. I shook my head and pulled free from his grip.
"What's going on up here?" Charlie and Sirius asked.
"You take that back." I said as my voice shook with anger. I turned around so quickly and shouted, "DAMNIT BILL, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" I said as I started crying. Bill came closer to me. He put his hands on my shoulders. I looked away from him.
"Bill, when will you learn?" I asked as I slowly back away into someone.
"Will someone tell us what's going on?" Charlie asked. I felt someone shift me in their arms.
"Bill, what'd you do?" Charlie asked.
"Nothing… we just talked." He said. I started to sob and ran into Sirius's bedroom and slammed the door shut. What was going on?
"Katherine, what's the matter?"
"Go away." I muttered as I heard the door shut. "Please, talk to me." He whispered. I sat up and looked at him.
"He told me he loved me." I said.
"Well, you've got to be with him." Sirius said. I started to realize why I didn't want to be with Bill… (Well I wanted to be with Bill but I wasn't aware of it, it was a subconscious thing. Bill's the man I'm supposed to be with. So, I guess I should end up with him… right?) I think I'd rather be with Sirius… maybe I'm crazy…
"I don't think I love him." I said. He slowly shook his head.
"Kat, please… don't finish that thought. You've got to marry him. He's crazy for you… and I know on some level you love him. You do not love me. You're just scared and hurt… and most likely confused." He whispered. I didn't want to believe him. For once I didn't want him to be right.
"No, you're wrong." I said.
"Kat… think about this… its rubbish. I'm the guy who told you a story… He's the guy who's been there when your parents died. He's been there through it all. Kat, he's the one who knows you… I don't know you… Kat listen to me please… he really cares about you. Now I understand he was stupid but… he loves you." Sirius said. I stared at him. I couldn't believe he was actually defending Bill's behavior.
"Why won't you be on my side?" I felt so utterly alone. I mean at least when Bill wouldn't have me I could talk to Charlie but then both of them stopped talking to me and then, I had Sirius… now he won't talk to me either.
"Kat I am on your side… I just know that you're going to want to take this." He said. I looked up at him.
"You know nothing about me!" I shouted.
"Kat, I know that you do not want me… Bill is your best friend… I could be your father… almost." He said.
"But… Sirius, he'll hurt me again." I whispered. Sirius looked at me his gray eyes looked dark.
"He won't."
"But Sirius how do you know?" I cried.
"I just do Katherine." He pulled me in for a hug. "I just don't want to get hurt again… I can't handle it." I whispered.
"He won't hurt you." He whispered. "Get some rest and just think about it… I'm going to check on Bill." He whispered. I nodded and drifted off into sleep.
What do you think? This is my first Harry Potter Fanfiction... I actually wrote it for a different site but i decided to post it on this site as well.