Act II
It sometimes seems to me
as if I did not belong to this world at all.
– Franz Schubert
Four months later
November 1879
Anna
The summer was over far too quickly. Anna enjoyed the colors of autumn, of course, but she was sad to see the lovely weather pass. It grew colder, so more time was spent inside. Anna had been an indoor creature for most of her life, since London was cold and rainy most of the time, but since arriving in Paris, she had become more a lover of the outdoors, especially on such a spacious estate. Maybe playing with Marie had changed her. It was almost like having a second childhood. She would play games with Marie, things she remembered from her own childhood, they would read together, and occasionally they would go horseback-riding on the grounds. Sidesaddle, of course. She was to be a lady, after all, and lady-like traditions were also a part of Marie's education. Anna´s background came in handy for situations such as those.
Anna wondered most about the aspects of Marie's education over which she held no control. It struck her at night, especially when Marie had a music lesson. She needed to take a walk around the grounds, away from that voice, which she could hear the in the stillness of the night. Who was this man, anyway? Was he a different man when he was around Marie? She could not force herself to go outside, so she sat in her room or the study, transfixed by the rhythmic sound of his voice as he spoke to Marie, and the pleasant replies from the girl. Was this just a natural quality of his voice, or one he had practiced? She could neither read nor do anything while she listened. His voice was too distracting. She couldn´t make out what he was saying but it distracted her nonetheless.
With the exception of Erik, she learned more and more of the other servants and of her young charge. For such a large house, there were only two maids, Charlotte and Nicole. There wasn't the need for more of a staff than these two, the housekeeper, and the coachman. Anna encountered Charlotte and Nicole much more than anyone else, since they were always scurrying about the house, cleaning. It was an endless task, but they seemed to find joy in it.
In their upper teens, the girls were experts while at work, but retained their youth and recklessness once the work day was over. Charlotte was the better-looking of the two, a voluptuous blonde, and could often be very vain, but she was generally quite kind. Nicole, on the other hand, was a quiet, brown-haired girl who seemed always uneasy. In time, Anna discovered the girl's nervousness stemmed from her home life – her father was a drinker who liked to break things while in a stupor. She had grown up accustomed to straightening things and fixing things after her father had passed out so often needed to be encouraged to contribute even the smallest comment in a conversation.
Occasionally, when Anna would take Marie to the stable, they would encounter the coachman, an older man named Marius. He had kind green eyes and a quiet way about him that calmed a jittery horse just as well as a governess. He didn´t say much, but offered little tidbits of wisdom on occasion that Anna treasured.
Out of all the individuals she encountered, Anna had not taken a liking to one person in particular, Madame Demme. As the housekeeper, she was perhaps the most powerful individual in the house, but wielded her power like a dictator of a small country.
A harsh-looking person, Madame Demme seldom had a smile on her face and was constantly on the lookout for someone not doing her job. As the governess, Anna did not have to answer to her, but encountered her often to be alerted of meal times and the like. Anna treated her politely, but always felt as if Madame Demme held some suspicion of her or wished to be in charge of her as well as the other servants.
At meal times and times when she was not teaching Marie, it pleased her to know more of the other servants. However, Anna found what she discovered of Marie to be most helpful in understanding the girl´s quiet manner. The girl would speak of her past…of living with Giry in a small flat in the city. Marie did not speak of her parents very much, but when she did, it was in a quiet voice, the same reverent tone used for her nightly prayers. "Uncle Erik tells me Mamma and Papa…" she would begin, and would regale Anna with a tidbit about her late parents. So much of what Anna learned about Marie did not come from the girl herself, but from Marius, who reflected upon his former master and mistress nostalgically, calling them, ¨Dear Vicomte and Christine...¨ Once, after putting a sleepy Marie to bed, she saw a picture of her parents she hadn't noticed before. It was of the Chagny family, Christine and the Vicomte Raoul with the baby girl Marie in Christine's arms.
Since the girl was nearly asleep, Anna walked over and picked up the miniature portrait. Marie had the same hair and eyes of her mother, but her father´s smile. Her father, the Vicomte, looked very happy. They both did. They looked very young, very happy, as if they expected to live long, full lives and see their daughter grow up into a woman.
After this moment, Anna looked at Marie differently. She had a past…parents who had loved her. How hard would that be? She could not imagine her life without her parents. She had been around her own parents for twenty-five lovely years. Marie hadn´t had her parents long enough to know them. Marie had experienced so much, but remained a normal little girl. How strong was the soul of this little girl, to have endured something like that?
Anna had settled into the routine of caring for the young Marie, and felt comfortable with the way her days had gone. The girl was terribly sweet, and always made her smile. Anna found herself forgetting about her worries, and the music at night became less frequent. When she did hear Erik playing (for she knew it was him), it was not as intense and heartrending as it had been when she arrived. Now she could bear going to sleep at night, since it no longer meant crying for all her worries…
The household had settled into a routine, but it was soon broken. Anna received a communication from Madame Giry that let the young lady know about an excursion on which she was going to take Marie for the girl's seventh birthday. To the opera, then to Madame Giry´s home to spend the night, where Madame Giry´s daughter Meg, her son-in-law, and granddaughter also lived. Though given weeks of advance notice, when the night finally came Anna was not prepared. She had grown accustomed to putting Marie in bed, and to have the girl away for even a night seemed unbearable. They had become quite good friends, and had always exchanged good conversation. What was she to do with herself? She read on occasion, but she would much rather spend time with another human being, having changed in that sense since her arrival. Besides, the house was too large to be alone in, and she would be too distracted to read by thoughts of Marie and concerns for the girl.
The day came, and Anna felt consoled by the fact that they would dine together before Madame Giry took Marie away. It was in the afternoon that she remembered Meg, Giry's daughter, and Monsieur Erik (so called by Madame Giry) would be coming to dine with them also. She hadn't thought of what she would wear. Her normal attire would simply not do, she must dress up. They were to dine with a visitor, and Erik. Something special was appropriate. This would be the second time since she had been hired that she would see him directly, as mostly he communicated through finely-written notes.
The result of her scavenging through a limited wardrobe was a dark blue gown, not so formal as to make her feel out of place, but not entirely plain and casual either. It seemed a style more suited for an older woman, with long sleeves and a very high neckline, but Anna knew governesses were not supposed to be fashionable. She liked the color, at least, so it was better than nothing. She put her hair up in a comb and was ready at least in relation to her dress.
The servants were still preparing the meal when Meg and her mother arrived, so they took Meg into the parlor to chat for a while until it was ready. Anna tried her best to play the role of gracious hostess. Marie, however, did a much better job than her governess. She chatted excitedly with Meg about the things she'd learned from Anna while the girl herself could not think of anything as interesting to say as the things that Meg and Marie discussed. Their relaxed manner with one another was something which had come with time together…it could not be forced.
Meg looked every bit the ballet dancer her mother told her to be. She was petite and graceful, and spoke in peaceful tones reminiscent of those her mother used. Her manner around Marie was similar to that of her mother as well, protective, as if the little girl were a tiny treasure. She rubbed the girl´s dark curls affectionately as they spoke, like an older sister or kindly aunt rather than a non-relative. Meg looked at Anna kindly when a pause occurred in her conversation with Marie, and the governess took this as her chance. First words…first impressions…how important they were. "So I hear you were a dancer, Meg." She hoped speaking of this topic would be a good choice.
The word 'dancer' made Meg smile. "Yes, I was. A part of me will love ballet until I die, but I stopped dancing in the opera once I married. But it was a wonderful experience…one I would not give up for anything.¨
Anna hoped to share with Meg the admiration she held for ballet. "I've always found the grace such persons possess to be otherworldly."
Marie and Meg giggled together. "Well, Mother always made sure the other dancers and I had practiced until we could dance in our sleep. So if you weren´t naturally graceful, just a few whacks of mother´s cane motivated you to learn how to be.¨
At this point Madame Giry offered her insight into the subject. "It is the least I could do, Meg. The managers, the audience…they all demanded perfection. We could not disappoint them. We all took pride in our success and were rewarded for the high quality of our work. The ballet mistress when I was young demanded the same."
They had been talking for some time when the housekeeper, Mrs. Demme, announced that dinner was nearly ready. The servants began to serve the food and just as quickly as they had appeared, disappeared into the regions of the kitchen. They seemed to have done this before.
Marie politely got Anna's attention and asked if she might bring "Uncle Erik" downstairs. "Yes you may, thank you for asking so politely." Anna was impressed that Marie saw her as the authority figure in the house after such a short time of being employed on her behalf.
Giry, Meg, and Anna chatted quietly as they waited, about petty things like the weather or events going on in the city. Then, silence overtook them. Footsteps, strong but controlled, began to sound on the staircase. As they approached, the ladies stood together. Anna felt as if she would hyperventilate, aware of how out of the ordinary this downstairs visit was.
Into the parlor came Marie, holding Erik's hand.
What had she expected to see when Marie entered with him, the same darkness as in the study? No, it was lighter in the dining room than up there. More candles… lamps…she would be able to see much more detail than in their previous meetings.
Oddly enough, it was the first time Anna had seen the two together, though he was the girl's legal guardian. He looked much less imposing than he had in his study with a little girl hanging onto his hand…she obviously had him wrapped around her finger.
As they moved to the dining room, Anna noticed something that had escaped her notice in their prior meetings. Half of his face was covered by a mask of some hard white material. So that was why he always looked away from her…his secret was revealed. It was childish, she knew, to be so curious, but she was fascinated by it. This was the first time in which she had really *seen* him, so why shouldn't she look? She wished she were able to do it without seeming so rude. The details which had not been so clear to her in his study were illuminated, though many questions remained unanswered.
As hard as she tried throughout the meal, she was unable to keep her eyes off his face, and she was ashamed that she could not unglue her gaze from her employer. She looked at him as he pulled out a chair for Madame Giry, and when they spoke of the opera later on, but he did not look at her.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure, Madame." This was the first time Anna had ever seen Erik interact with others…it was interesting to observe the interaction. He was very eloquent, and knew what he was speaking about, such as opera or current historical events.
Anna felt she was getting a glimpse into another world, that of opera, art, and dance, as the Girys and Erik conversed easily on the topic. They spoke as people who had experienced it firsthand, as they obviously were former professionals in the arena. Anna listened, entranced, unable to add a word. The conversations seemed so complete, unadorned, that anything she would say would be unnecessary.
After a good three course meal and the silence filled by others with very few comments from her seat, the time Anna dreaded finally arrived. Marie prepared to leave with Meg and her mother. Anna helped the girl to get her things for the overnight visit and they handed them to Marius. Hugging Marie tightly, she hoped the girl would have fun and not think of her as she was guaranteed to do every moment until she returned. "Enjoy your night, Marie."
"I will." The girl then looked past her governess to Erik. "Good evening,
Uncle Erik."
"Good evening." He motioned to the girl to come to him, and he picked her up to hug her, with the same careful but affectionate manner that Meg had displayed earlier. After a slight hesitation, as if she were questioning the appropriateness of kissing her guardian in the presence of others, Marie kissed him on his cheek. It was certain that the little girl caused his chilly demeanor to crack and an actual smile to show through. It was a little easier to see what he was feeling with a view of his whole face…or almost his whole face. He walked away quickly, to where Anna did not know.
Goodbyes said, Marie went with Madame Giry and Meg. Following them, Anna quietly asked Giry, "Am I to stay here alone…with Monsieur Erik?" Her voice trembled with a bit of fear.
Madame Giry´s reassuring motherly tone made Anna feel her fear was ridiculous. "You do it all the time but he remains on his floor. You have nothing to fear, Anna. Believe me. Speak with him, perhaps you will learn something you didn't know before. He's a solitary man; it will do him good to speak to you. He could use some companionship. He shall not hurt you." Madame Giry took her hand and patted it, and Anna trusted her words. The woman was so trustworthy, why should she be wrong this time?
As she watched the carriage take Marie from her, Anna had to wrap her arms around herself to guard against the chill. Why should it be so hard for her to see the girl go? Maybe it had something to do with the four months straight she had spent with the girl, getting to know her better every day. She knew she would have to get used to such occurrences. She could not keep the girl to herself forever.
Turning back for the house, she entered but did not find Erik where he had been.
She went searching for him, and after several empty rooms, found him in the library, engrossed in a book of Greek mythology. Hearing her enter, he looked up for a moment before continuing to read. Anna went to sit down on a chaise lounge she heard calling her name, pleased to rest for just a moment. She tried to breathe but found an obstacle. Her corset was too tight and she could not take a proper, deep breath. Why had she asked the maid to tighten it in the first place? Who was she trying to impress? Meg? Erik? She was sure that neither one would have noticed the difference. At that moment, she felt she would rather be useful than beautiful. Thus, she rose from her place. "I will return," she told Erik, and he nodded distractedly, obviously engrossed in the book.
Return she did another ten minutes later, feeling much more comfortable. She knew she'd have marks from the thing digging into her; she liked breathing, and it was better for everyone when she could do so. She thought of the way she had acted at dinner. She had been very quiet, adding just a comment here and there. For the most part she listened to Meg, her mother, Marie, and Erik. It was as if she was looking in at the performance of a play, their words were so well-said. She seemed an outsider and knew not how to enter the world of those to whom she listened. Would she grow more comfortable with them as time went on?
Returning to the chaise lounge, she was allowed to move her focus from her own problem to Erik, still reading the volume of mythology in an armchair by the window. He had left his hiding place upstairs…he was here...now what? Seeing Erik sitting at the desk, she thought of what topic was appropriate to discuss. She had never been the first to speak in their conversations, and then they spoke only about Marie or music. She had never been the one to start the conversation; it was always the other way around. She thought it best to use the material she had…she would speak about music in relation to the book he read. "You know," Anna said, sitting up from the leaning position she had been in, "it's interesting to me how those who write the librettos to operas often use classic mythology as a basis for their works. I was always fascinated by how well-read some composers were."
She wouldn't have thought he had been listening, but he replied, not looking up from the page. "Yes. It is. I'm particularly fond of Orfeo…they also rather enjoy ancient history, if you´ve heard of Hannibal." He chose to continue by saying, "I'm not much of a lover of comic opera, like those that have been so popular lately. It trivializes what is meant to be serious and deep. I find a sorrowful aria like 'Dido's Lament' much more intriguing than a happy one."
"I would have thought so." Almost instantly, she regretted her words. She had spoken without thinking. Surely he did not think it was an insult?
"Would you?" She had his attention now, but this was not the way in which she had wanted to get it. She had just broken one of the rules…she was to be silent and obedient, not bold and audacious. He seemed shocked that she would have made such an assumption, true as it may have been, but he did not seem angry. At least not yet. He closed the book and left it on the desk, looking up at her.
"I apologize," she murmured, "but you seem a serious person to me."
"I suppose I am. Who knows me better than myself? No one, I should say."
Anna felt it necessary to try to make up for her blurted statement, which she was not sure if Erik had taken as an insult. "Surely there is nothing wrong with enjoying things of a serious nature. I'm one of those people most of the time." Their first non-business conversation needed to improve soon. Anna took the responsibility upon herself to assure it would. What could she say? "Sir, I apologize. However...may I ask you something?" she said, quieter and more humbly, getting up from her resting place and moving closer to him, to a chair closer to his. Her hands were shaking, so she clasped them in her lap.
"Only if I may ask you something in return," he responded. It seemed a fair compromise.
"Agreed."
"Go ahead," he showed her he was giving his attention by standing, moving to a chair across from hers, and sitting in it. It was the closest he had been to her, as they had sat at opposite ends of the table at dinner. She was unable to read the expression on his face now that he was looking at her. It was rather hard when he wore a mask…half of his face was obscured to her, and only his eyes and his lips were fully visible.
"You have a piano in your study…and I sometimes hear music at night coming from other parts of the house. Were you the one who often played during the night when I first arrived?"
His words and actions revealed the truth to her. She could see that he was feeling a bit ashamed at being found out. "Yes, I am the culprit. I do not sleep much at night, so I play." He rubbed the unmasked side of his face, turning his face to avoid meeting her eyes with his own. "I apologize if I kept you up, it was surely not my intention to bother anyone." For the first time she seemed able to read his mood, he seemed suddenly pensive and mournful.
"Not at all." His actions troubled her, so she continued. Whether she´d regret these words or not, she knew not. But it must be said. "Am I correct in my assumption that you have sorrow?"
"Yes, you are." As if to express his shock that she would ask such a question, he looked up and met her eyes, and she saw that his words were true and that he was not angry at the inquiry. However, what she saw was something that proved to her that blue eyes can, at times, express things in their gleam that are harder to detect in green or brown. She saw the sorrow and felt sympathy almost immediately. It was the first time he had looked her in the eyes for more than a moment. Those eyes were different from her own, though they were the same color. She realized why he had not glimpsed at her during their meetings, or at dinner. In his eyes, Erik seemed to hold so much feeling that he was trying hard not to be overwhelmed.
Anna grew confused and had to avert her eyes. Why should this be? Maybe it was simply a matter of experience…he had lived more years than she had. Perhaps he had not been so sheltered in his life as she. Would she ever know?
"I am sorry, Sir…I should never have said anything about it." She could find nothing else to say. She felt she had caused him pain by asking such questions. That much was apparent. She suddenly wished she had never said a thing.
He seemed to have regained his composure. "No, it's quite all right. You are curious as are most…especially those of your sex. I cannot blame you for that which is in you by nature." He felt vulnerable at her question… "Might I ask my question?" She nodded, and he went on. "Now then, Miss Richardson. Are you quite all right talking to me like this?"
"Hmm?" At last, it occurred to her that she must look as troubled as he had – and all because of her choice of conversation.
"I take it Madame Giry did not speak of my mask to you."
"Oh." She felt ashamed for staring at his face the entire dinner. "No, she didn't. She told me not to ask questions of you, either."
He looked at her and nodded. "She's an intelligent woman, so you're right to listen to her. Her daughter, too. I quite enjoy their company."
Anna knew it was best to change the subject, so went along with this conversation. "Meg? Yes…I found her quite charming."
"Very. Like her mother, she was a ballerina. No longer, of course, but they go to the opera to relieve the memories. I know Marie enjoys playing with her daughter, Rose, when she comes to visit. They are around the same age."
In spite of feeling awkward at dinner, Anna hoped that Meg's visit that night would lead to many more. Perhaps she would bring Rose next time.
The conversation continued as the night approached, at a leisurely pace. Anna brought some tea for the both of them and drinking it gave them both a break from the intense conversation she had started. Thankfully, the awkward beginning to the conversation eased as they spent more time speaking. They spoke of Marie, Meg and her mother, and whether Anna enjoyed her profession. On this last topic, Erik was impressed with her honesty and said so after she had answered.
"Yes, I do enjoy being a governess. I wasn't sure at first, since I was quite comfortable in my life in London, without doing work of any type. It's surprised me what a sense of purpose I feel now…" "I couldn't have been blessed with anyone more willing to learn than is Marie…"
Erik
Darkness. No matter what he was doing, one event would distract him every time it happened – the day changing to night. During a lull in conversation, this transformation caught Erik's attention, and he moved to the window in a slow, long stride to study it more closely. There was no dramatic sunset, as it had been cloudy that day. Darkness was quite sneaky tonight. Slowly, ever so slowly, he crept across the sky until he had overpowered it and not a trace of daylight remained.
Erik´s eyes moved to survey the grounds. Though he had lived in the house for several years, he had not explored the other realms of the estate but with his eyes. He didn't want to risk being seen. All of a sudden he had a strange urge to see the moon, if it were out tonight, and to feel the night air on his face. Looking out at the shadows cast by the stables and trees, he remembered that he hadn't left the house since Marie arrived.
Anna, less uneasy now, stood from her seat a few feet away. "It's a lovely night."
"Yes." She stood and walked over to the window, glancing out. "Just the right weather. Not too warm but not too cold."
"Would you like to go out for a while, take a stroll? I am sure the night air will do me well," he said, almost in a whisper. He had done spontaneous things before, but this seemed the first action without a motive. She nodded, suddenly very quiet. So, they went outside into the darkness.
Anna
Before he had asked her if she might like to walk with him, she had turned to see him closer to her, since they were both looking outside. This closeness paired with the look they had shared earlier when speaking of sorrow, took her breath from her. It was closer than she had intended being, and gave her a shock. It was only for a split second before he stepped back, but she could almost feel his breath on her neck. She was never so close to anyone but Marie. Why had she said yes to his request? Her parents had instilled in her a general distrust of the opposite sex, and Erik especially startled her with his mysterious ways, yet something in the way he spoke told her that no harm would come to her.
Erik
Trying to act as any proper gentleman would, Erik opened the door for Anna and followed her outside. Perhaps displaying these qualities might calm her, keeping her from fearing him so much. At first, in the quiet autumn night, neither one of them said a thing. Anna was noticing how different everything looked in the dark, while Erik simply observed her. He had seen the night many times before, but this was something. He tried his best not to stare at her, as he had seen how much his intense look had disturbed her, but chose instead to subtly glance her way every now and then.
He wondered whether she knew how beautiful she was. Generally, beautiful women who knew it became ugly in their vanity. In the months and weeks gone by, he often watched her from his third floor window when she was outside with Marie. He didn´t think she thought much of her own looks, or was very confident in the things that were most positive about her. She would often laugh and smile when she was with the girl, but never when he was with her. She was always so serious when she came to his study. Being this close to her was a different experience entirely, and he hoped she would not stay so serious. Even in the dark he could make out the details of her soft face, her light hair, the blue dress she wore. It was a better view close like this than from his window. It was the simplicity of her beauty, without embellishment, that kept his attention, and the way she carried herself. Perhaps it was simply her youth that struck him, or something else, but he could hardly believe how enchanting she was. Hopefully she would not notice.
In opposition to her earlier silence, Anna's mouth and brain did all they could to fill the silence. She spoke of books she had read, her family, the places in Paris she had been able to visit, art, music, and finally, the weather. Erik, relishing the evening air and change of scenery, listened, engrossed in even the smallest, most useless comment, of which there were many. When she stopped for a breath, he found himself smiling. "Miss Richardson, I do hope you don´t take this the wrong way…but you're different from anyone I've known."
Anna
Brain and mouth both were stopped by this comment. What a thing to say! Could it be true? Such a claim demanded further proof. She found the words to request such proof, "How so?" The chill of the night, which had not bothered her to that point, suddenly permeated the thick fabric of her dress, causing her to wrap her arms around herself more tightly, or maybe it was her sudden self-consciousness. Noticing her actions and attributing it to the cold, he unbuttoned his coat jacket and offered it to her before he answered. It seemed so natural and smooth an action that she graciously accepted and stuck her arms through the sleeves. They were far too long, of course, but she found it comfortable to have her hands covered by the fabric, with just a glimpse of her fingers visible. It made a hint of a smile come into her eyes, but she dared not let it spread to her face for fear of embarrassment.
Erik
He was pleased to see that his actions had been accepted. "Well…" The usually eloquent Erik searched for an answer for several seconds before answering, "You're English. Of course, there is also the fact that I haven't acquainted myself with many others. And those whom I have known have been artistic types. Musicians, singers, ballet dancers…" She seemed to know what he meant, so there was no need to elaborate further. "It seems that such people have no time for intellectual discussion. Not that they are not intelligent…far from it. But something about you is different, your manner.
That's your purpose in life…to be intellectual, to think of things…to teach. I greatly admire that. It is a path I have taken in my own life." He hoped she would take his words as a compliment and paused for a moment before continuing. "In the time I've lived here, Meg, her mother, and Marie are the only people I've associated with." Should he continue? He might as well. "Other than that, I've played music, I've read, and I've thought. I am a solitary person, if you didn't notice. It comforts me to know that if you wanted, you could talk on these subjects. You could talk to me, if you wanted to, as you are now."
Anna
It sounded like a request. But hadn't she just been talking to him? No, not really. She did not know how to respond to this; he could see it on her face. Collecting herself, she commented, "You've my parents to thank for that. We have lovely discussions when we're all together… I always tell my father he's in the wrong profession. He's far too social to be alone in a room, designing buildings. He is much better suited for dealing with others. My mother, too, taught me the importance of good conversation." Talking of herself always made her feel as if she were bragging, so she avoided it by speaking well of others. And it was the truth, so where was the harm?
Erik
Changing the subject was the only response she could find. He could tolerate that. She was too polite to address his request directly. It seemed too intimate, too frank. He was too desirous for company to want to scare her away.
"Ah, an architect?" She nodded. He goes along with her line of conversation, as he had always been fascinated by the design of things used in everyday life. He had done his share of inventing and designing himself, but those were not things he could reveal to her...
Anna
In time, she found the cold air didn't bother her and the prospect of looking at Erik, mask and all, did not frighten her. She appreciated the gestures of continuing conversation – he must have been around people at some point to understand how to make her at ease. And with this newfound comfort came the curiosity she had felt ever since hearing of Erik in Madame Giry's letters. She desired to know more about this dark stranger, but knew angering him would quickly end their dark evening walk. Treading carefully with her words, Anna chose to ask, "What interests you, besides music?" His response charmed her.
"Well, as you might have noticed, I enjoy reading. Marie's father was well-read…so I keep occupied by reading…" And to the pleasure of Anna, he listed some classic works that she was familiar with, and they began to discuss literature as would two literary critics, one of her great passions.
Erik
He had not expected the conversation to have lasted as long as it did. More than that, he felt it was an exchange of very high quality. The feeling this conversation gave him could only be compared to a first drink of water after a long period of thirst. It was refreshing.
After speaking about certain books they both had read, Anna surprised him by speaking of philosophy, another passion of his. "I read some Montiesqu and Voltaire to prepare me to deal with the French…but it hasn't been of much use, as I have not dealt with many Parisians at all, much less any who would want to discuss democratic ideas with me. However, if I do encounter some, I will be ready."
"It seems that people forget the events of the past all too quickly…they seem doomed to repeat them should they not take heed."
The conversation examined the strengths and weaknesses of democracy for a while, but Erik interrupted Anna's question about the local government to make an inquiry of his own, "Now, in my reading of the things which sparked the great Revolution all those years ago, I find the ideas of the Enlightenment rather ridiculous. Reason? Bah! We humans are far from reasonable. The revolution itself began as something to improve the lives of all, but ended up ending more lives than it saved. I am often sickened by human nature."
Anna
Never had a conversation flowed as smoothly or endured with such interest as this one, in spite of its rough start. She would never have expected it. And she did not fear in the least for her safety, for she felt her walking partner to be capable of protecting her against anything that lingered out in the darkness. He seemed a part of it, blending in, able to disappear at a moment's notice. But he did not disappear, but stayed present, continuing to talk and be an active participant in the evening´s walk. Erik's sudden outburst of his philosophical beliefs hushed Anna. This was what she had wanted – to know more of him. He was willingly sharing. She nodded, encouraging him to go on. "There is much good in the world, but also much bad. I do not think that humans are reasonable, though we try to think we are so.¨
He enjoyed her addition and continued, ¨You can also look at opera. People are ruled by their emotions. Arias clearly display that fact. Our actions are determined by the way we are feeling. On some occasions, anger or resentment causes violence, wars…on others, emotion can lift our souls higher than we knew possible."
She was struck by how easily the words seemed to come to Erik, and by how attractively he put them together. He obviously knew a thing or two about what he was saying. She had been quite talkative up to this point, but spoke simply and briefly. "I've found that to be true in my own life."
She was shocked when Erik who asked for elaboration. "How?"
She paused for a moment to think of how to put it. "Well, I am surprised at how wrong doing what is thought to be reasonable feels to me sometimes. My conscience makes demands which my brain does not agree with. But in the end, for my own happiness, listening to my heart is the best choice. Not on many occasions, but on a few, this has saved me grief. It doesn't matter what the reasonable thing to do is, I end up doing what feels right."
Erik
"Yes. It is simply a matter of realizing when one's emotions are doing harm before it is too late." Would she ever know the true meaning of these words, what value he found in them? They were words which he had taken as a guide, advice to himself which he hoped to God he could follow.
Anna
The grounds of the Chagny estate were vast, so as they spoke, they covered much ground. What time it was, neither of them knew. They had been walking for hours, talking at intervals, but Anna did not feel so tense or self-conscious anymore. For this reason, she felt comfortable enough with him to uncross her arms from her chest and let them hang at her sides. She still wore his coat, and felt thankful for it, as it got colder and colder as the night wore on. She wondered how he could stand it.
She had spoken this long with another person before, but never with one of the opposite sex. It intrigued her that they could still find things to discuss…
Erik
If life were like an ocean, Erik lurked in the depths. It was simply the way he had lived, and he was comfortable there. Anna seemed somewhat acquainted with the depths of her soul, if not as intimately as Erik knew them. It was in the garden that he bared his soul to her. He did not know how to start talking to her about the truth of the whole situation, so he simply started right into it. Having learned to be secretive for his own security, he shocked himself with this self-disclosure. "I'm sure you have lived in a sort of mist since you came here." Anna had been looking away, at the moon in the sky, but she turned towards him when he spoke. She said nothing. He continued, "You have been wondering why on earth you weren't assigned to be the governess of a child with two parents, and without this mystery surrounding the circumstances of her life." Anna nodded, continuing to be silent. "Well, Marie did have parents. If they were here today, I am sure she would have an easier and happier existence."
At this point Anna spoke. "I am sure she will make the most of what circumstances she is given. It does not seem like she's let the tragedy of her life to interfere with her ability to live a normal childhood." She continued, "I've seen pictures of her parents in her room, and Madame Giry told me of the Vicomte and his wife."
"Christine and Raoul." Speaking their Christian names brought flashes of memory back to him…his jealous obsession with the first name….murderous rage towards the second. Neither feeling was present when the flashes ended. It was as if he were speaking of characters in a book, a book he had trouble remembering vividly anymore. But enough of that…the heart of the matter was communicating the truth to this woman in front of him.
Erik thought the first comment she had made was a good one, so he nodded to her in recognition before going on. He had a point, he must get to it. "I know you must wonder wherever I came from and why I am here." She nodded. "Well, Marie's mother was my student. I used to live in the opera house, where she was a chorus girl and dancer. She knew Meg, they were like sisters. But to Christine I gave singing lessons..." Knowing of Meg and her mother's affiliation with ballet, and his connection with Madame Giry, Erik knew his explanation was reasonable.
What came next, however, was probably most unexpected. "I loved her. She was a beautiful girl, and her voice was beautiful. One of the most beautiful I've ever heard, especially with training." The expression on his face softened at the thought of Christine. "However, she did not love me. I thought, if I made her something more than someone in the chorus, I might earn her affections. I made her a star…if only for a while. But it did not work, she did not love me in return…not in the way I wanted her to." The faint taste of a selfless kiss seemed to linger on his lips and made them tingle in the memory of it.
He rubbed the side of his face not covered by the mask. "So she went off and married the Vicomte de Chagny…Raoul…leaving the opera behind. I never saw her again."
The whole time he spoke of Christine, he did not look at Anna, but at this point he looked into her eyes. The consequences be damned, the girl needed to know. "My life has been a dark one, you understand, and when Madame Giry told me of their child…I struggled against the waves of darkness…trying not to be drowned. I should have wished them happiness, but all I felt was bitterness." His voice wavered. "Then, they departed from this life. Together." He spoke as if telling some story he wished were not true. "It is how it should be, though. They lived for each other, so it is proper that they should leave this world together. It was as it should be."
"It was a few years later that I spoke with Giry…she and Meg had cared for the child. They found me, and Giry revealed that Christine had made me the girl's godfather."
"Since she left, I had accepted Christine's choice. It was what made her happy, and she deserved happiness. It was quite unfortunate that she and Raoul would never get to raise Marie. I swore that I would care for the girl if it were the last thing I ever did, and it came to pass that I became her legal guardian, with much help from Madame Giry. I swore to myself that I would watch over her, guide her, make her everything her mother had wanted her to be. It has given me much motivation having the young girl in my care." He released a sigh of relief to have gotten the story out into the open. "So now you know…I've probably told you too much, but I find it necessary to
know the whole story myself…it is necessary we have no confusion between us regarding Marie."
Anna
Anna knew it had taken a lot of courage for him to tell her this, but she did not know how she could react to such a story. She was floored by the secrets she had just been told. Erik noticed her bewildered look and nodded. Her brain seemed unable to take it all in at once.
"You don't have to say anything. It has been troubling me for some time that you have worked here for so long without knowing these things. I am not interested in the house…or the money. I'm interested in the welfare of Marie."
"Worldly possessions have little value for me…I cannot use them as others do.
It's quite freeing, actually."
They were in the gardens, and Anna found it necessary to sit down. Erik waited as Anna seemed to process what she had been told. He drew from his trouser pocket a faded silver pocket-watch with the name Daae engraved on one side and rubbed it mindlessly, taking in the sights of the evening.
On the wooden bench, Anna stared at the ground and touched the buttons on her dress, her attention not on the figure before her but her reaction to what had come to pass that evening. As the night had progressed, Anna grew less and less frightened by this man. She was sure seeing him out of his study had something to do with this fact, and also the conversations they were having. It was one of the most rewarding and least superficial that she had ever had. It was upon arriving to this thought that she stood up, gave Erik a look much like Madame Giry had at dinner, one of understanding, and nodded towards the house.
He didn't need to be told, she wanted to go inside. The two of them began the walk to the house in the half-light of early morning. On this walk, Anna realized what this evening might have seemed to an outsider. Not appropriate. But to her heart, Anna knew it was completely appropriate. She felt less apprehension than before regarding Erik. Nevertheless, she had never been outside on the estate so late. It was strange to see all the sights she knew so well in a lack of light, but she was becoming acquainted to the darkness. Or at least she had thought so. They were within a few yards of the house when she turned from Erik to glance behind her while still walking forward, distracted by the sound of the wind blowing through some of the trees on the estate. This caused her to step mistakenly, twisting her ankle and falling into the dust. It happened so fast that it was almost like a ballet move…with a worse ending than was usually intended.
Erik
The fall was as much a surprise to Erik as it had been to Anna. He was completely caught off guard, and found himself unable to move quickly enough to keep her from touching the ground. The least he could do was bend down in order to help her up. "Are you all right?" He held her right hand and arm once she was on her feet, in case she was still unsteady, having walked on her right.
"Yes," she said, though the pained look on her face spoke differently. "I think I'll be able to walk to the house…" She made an attempt, but grimaced in pain. "It's my ankle. Maybe I do need some help." So, with Erik's help, she staggered to the front steps and walked up into the house.
Anna
It had been her plan, upon reaching the house, to go straight to her room, but
Erik would not let her do that. He took her to the study and had her sit on the chaise she so enjoyed. "Let's see that you're all right…" He seemed to take it upon himself to make sure she was uninjured, as all the servants were asleep in their beds at home. He was responsible for her well-being.
"Oh, I'm fine," she said, but Anna could not deny the pain she felt. It seemed to worsen because her shoes were uncomfortable. Fashionable, yes; comfortable, no. They were not her normal shoes, but special ones she had worn especially for the occasion of Meg's coming to dinner. "Okay…" Having laid her legs out towards Erik, who sat on the edge of the seat, she turned to the side to slip off her shoe and stocking. As she did so, facing away from her, he removed the black gloves he had been wearing. She glimpsed pale but slender hands where had previously been cold, smooth leather. When she returned to her former position, he took her bare foot in his hand as tenderly as if he were dealing with a porcelain vase.
As he gently moved her foot to make sure she hadn't broken any bones, Anna felt extremely embarrassed. Not only because she had fallen in a moment of clumsiness, but also because he was touching her. Showing one's foot was about as taboo as could be. She was showing nearly half of her lower leg! Guiding her into the house by her arm was acceptable, but having one's foot touched by a member of the opposite sex was totally out of the question. Etiquette forbid it; Anna knew this situation was the exception. Still, when he asked if it hurt when he moved it, she could only move her head to respond.
When he touched her, his hands were cold, causing her to shiver. His touch, however, was soft and gentle. Her heart was not speaking up to say that any of this was dangerous, so Anna felt comforted by the encouraging words, "I think you might be sore for a while, but nothing seems to be broken." His concern seemed genuine.
Having hid her face to conceal her humiliation, she dropped her hands into her lap and looked at him. "Thank you…that's good to know. I could die of embarrassment right now. I am terribly clumsy. Would never make it as a ballerina." She raised her eyes, a bit of humor sparkling in her eyes at her joke.
He did not look away from her, but looked at her straight on. Something in his expression – in those eyes – reminded her of the look he had given her earlier when talking of Christine. Those eyes, even slightly obscured by a mask, said more to her than he could ever make verbal. That intense look came from one who seemed to see to her very soul. It was a look she could not describe and to which, in her naiveté, she could not react. What did it mean? She began to blush, realizing he still had a hand on her foot and had begun to rub it without realizing what he was doing. His hands seemed to be getting warmer. "I think I'm ready to go to bed, after such an exciting night."
Looking behind him at the clock on the wall, Erik nodded. "Yes, you aren't used to being up so late, I'm sure." He looked back to her, finally taking notice of his hands on her foot and releasing her. "Might I help you up to your room? Those stairs are quite a task without being injured."
Turning to return her stocking to her bare foot, she nodded. "Yes, that would be nice." Not liking the prospect of returning the uncomfortable shoe to her foot, she simply removed her left one and held them both in her left hand.
Erik and Anna attempted to climb the stairs in the house as they had the front steps, with Anna's arm around his shoulder. After about three stairs climbed in this way, they saw it was tedious work and stopped. "This is ridiculous. You will never get there this way. Allow me to carry you. Please, save yourself some pain." Anna complied with his request, as she did not want to take the rest of the night getting to her room.
However, it felt quite awkward when he took her into his arms. She had been carried before, as a child and when she had fallen from her horse a few years before, but it had always been by she'd known and trusted with all her heart. With Erik, she was neither completely familiar with him nor completely trusting of him, so it was an odd feeling to have his arms around her. It was strange, but also pleasant.
The trip up the flight of stairs went relatively quickly, but something in her wished it had lasted longer. A dull ache in her stomach had started, but it wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling. His arms held her securely, so she was sure she wouldn't fall. His right hand rested on her lower back, while the other held her legs in a gentle grasp. He had replaced his gloves onto his hands, aware of how inappropriate and intimate his examination of her foot had been; it was as if he was trying to replace the formality to the situation. In order to feel more balanced, she had put her arms around his neck, as pale as his hands had been, but not as cold. Exhausted by the day's events and by the late hour, she put her head on his right shoulder for a moment and closed her eyes, feeling greatly relieved in spite of her fall. She was very close to his face, and could have easily taken off his mask if she wanted, but she knew that would ruin the trust he had in her. They had made a connection that night, something stronger and more meaningful than a master-servant relationship. Perhaps it was their conversations that caused her to feel safe in his arms for those few moments. This feeling outweighed the curiosity of what lay beneath the mask. When he let her down outside her room, she thanked him. "Thank you for all your help. I must be more careful or Marie will have an invalid governess.¨
He shook his head to her comment. "One cannot help momentary lapses of attention. Perhaps I am to blame, since you aren't used to walking about outside at night."
"No, not at all. It was me." She dusted off her shoes, in her hands, standing there in her stocking feet. "I am glad we had this time, Sir. You were good company." With her free hand, she touched his hand and tried to express her gratitude in her eyes. He looked at her for a long moment, as if accepting her thankfulness, before wishing her a good night and bowing slightly to her. Her stomach began to hurt again.
As Anna hobbled about her room, changing her dusty clothing and readying herself to sleep, she thought of what had happened that night. She was no longer so frightened by Erik, but something in their dealings with each other frightened her. Why did she tingle so at the touch of his hand on her ankle? Why did it feel so comforting to be carried up the stairs? Why had she enjoyed walking in the dark? What had that glance in the downstairs library meant? What was this pain in her stomach?
They were questions she asked of herself, and questions she was unable to answer. She abandoned her questions to think of Erik for a moment. For someone who did not get out much, his conversation was mostly pleasant, with moments of sadness interspersed. He was really not so bad as she had thought before meeting him.
Erik
Restraint had never been an easy thing for Erik. He felt all of his emotions to their full extent and let the sensation envelop his entire being, often to the detriment of others. But as Anna had touched his hand outside her bedroom, he kept himself from responding. It had taken superhuman effort to do so. It wasn't for lack of words to say; his mind had flooded with thoughts, with words he wanted to say to her. His mind had countless actions it wanted his limbs and hands and fingers to perform, but he controlled them. He mustn't say that. He mustn't do that. That would only frighten her. She had only just met him, she did not understand him yet. He must not betray the trust she had in him. Perhaps she would one day, and she could hear what he had to say to her. After they bid each other good night, she turned and went into her room, and like that, she was gone. He turned and slowly made his way back to his room.
Erik seldom went to bed when it was still dark outside. As he locked the door behind him, he knew it was against routine, but he desperately wanted to surrender to sleep. In sleep, he was peaceful, without feelings torturing him. After the night's walk with Anna, he was uneasy. More so than usual. He knew not what caused this feeling.
Thoughts kept him awake. He so seldom glanced in the single mirror he owned that he almost forgot what he looked like. Tonight was different…he wanted to see what Anna saw when she looked at him. The full-length mirror was covered by a sheet, which he slowly pulled away. Yes, there he was. Erik…the opera ghost, the Phantom. He had not been called so in a long time, nearly a decade, but he would always have that part of his life to remember. Unfortunately. He had been looking at the clothes he wore, but his eyes quickly went to his face. What had changed since he last saw himself? A few new age lines near his eyes. Such was expected. He had always been a slender man…perhaps it was the light…but his face seemed more cadaverous. He needed to eat more. He was too pale. One thing that had not changed was his mask. He touched it. A constant, silent companion. Would he ever remove it again? In all likelihood, he would not. He slept in it, and would be buried as well with it on his face. Removing it these days made him feel unclothed. With the mask, he disguised what made him different from other men.
He shuddered at the morbid thought of the day he would be buried. The mask often brought such thoughts to his mind, and he dealt with them. What he did not expect was that the mask would bring him a cheerful thought. More specifically, a thought of Anna. As they went up the stairs, she could have removed his mask with ease…she was very close to his face. Why hadn't she? He knew how curious she was, she could not, pardon the pun, mask her own feelings as he could. It made him feel strange that she had resisted her own urges. Thoughts of her actions soon meshed into his own thoughts and desires. Did she know how it felt to have her in his arms? It felt very good, and she pleased all of his senses. Just as the pleasant aroma of a hot meal encourages one to come to the dinner table, this pleasant feeling made Erik want to leave his room more often.
She was a pleasant sight, with soft and straight hair of a light color and eyes a pure blue. She smelled sweet, like one of the flowers in the garden. Her voice was pleasant on his ears, and she spoke like one well-educated. Touch was the latest sense she had enthralled in that short trip in his arms up the stairs. She was not heavy for him to carry, and her dress and skin were soft against him. As he had gently touched her ankle, her soft, alabaster skin had worked its way into his memory. He had been surprised by her gentleness almost as much as his own. For someone who had grown up in the city, she seemed genuine. She made it a point to heed that old piece of advice, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Most of the time, at least, when curiosity hadn´t gotten the better of her.
While he had been truly concerned for her, he also found himself confronted by his desire for her. And taste? No, he had not experienced her with this sense, as much as he wanted to…he mustn't get ahead of himself. If she were able to keep from removing his mask, he would have to keep his own desires under control. Restraint. Hold yourself back. Delay action. All things in their time, he murmured to himself. He could take the agony in between…perhaps one day he would feel the bliss which his desire promised to be his. But not this day…he must wait.
His desire at bay, his brain started thinking logically. Had he shared too much? Speaking about Christine, who had meant so very much to him, to the girl who would educate her daughter? No, it was necessary to tell her about Christine. He wanted his intentions for Marie to be clear to Anna. Already she seemed more at ease with that mystery explained.
As soon as logic had satisfied itself, his mind abandoned it. What was this? Concern for others? Who was this man? His thoughts again turned dark, as quickly as one extinguishes a candle. A part of him always questioned any actions not violent or murderous in nature. He knew he felt dark feelings, but a part of him had wanted to act upon them in years past. In the time since Christine had gone from him, he'd taken control of himself and his impulses. The proof lay in the fact he had treated Anna with courtesy. The self-doubt, however, plagued him to an even stronger degree than ever before.
He covered the mirror again, dressing for bed and going through a door into his bedroom. Once he laid his head on the pillow in the dark, thoughts of Anna returned to his mind. She was all he wished he could be. She was able to get a formal education and could into public without fear. This triggered pangs of jealousy that she should have such privileges, but the pain subsided. She was not so different from him. She might be able to go into Paris on occasion, but she worked for him and was forced to become almost as solitary as he was. In taking the position, she had agreed to spend her time with those who lived in the house, and few others. She had essentially signed over ten or more years of her life. That was a serious commitment…had she known what she was getting into?
She must have, since she was still here. Others would have fled at the prospect of such solitude. She embraced it, as if it were what she had always wanted. What an extraordinary person she was. He felt as if they had much in common in this way.
He tried to discern his feelings for her. Was it simply her beauty and youth that set his heart aflame whenever she was near? Was he obsessed, as he was with Christine? She was an attractive and intelligent girl, it was not entirely impossible. Or was she different from others? She did not turn away from him in disgust but looked him straight in the eye. Was that a part of her attraction? Why couldn't he figure it out?