Disclaimer: All rights are, as always, reserved to Stephenie Meyer.

Chapter six

I quietly slipped through her window and laid down beside her, snaking my arm around her waist. It felt so right to be here with her. She fit perfectly into my body and as long as I was with her I felt whole. I felt I was twice the man I had been before I knew her. She had made me come to life in a way that I had never thought possible. Thanks to this glorious creature in my arms, I finally discovered what it was that my family shared amongst each other. What it meant to love someone.

But reaching out and making her mine, was something I should never have done. I drew Bella in, when I had no right to do so. I took away her only chance on a normal life when I pursued her and now I would have to hurt her to keep her safe.

I remembered the day that I told her those exact words. We were in the cafeteria and I had just learned that Bella thought she cared more for me than I did for her. I tried to convince her of the opposite with those words, but it had backfired then. She had gotten angry with me, countering that she would do the same.

I sighed at the memory. If only I could go back in time, to our first encounter. I would have insisted we moved then. I would've run from her, to keep her safe. To never allow her to fall for me.

Bella rolled over in my arms, snuggling into my chest then. "Edward..." she breathed, still unconscious. "I love you."

I smiled and pressed my lips to her hair. "As I love you," I murmured and pulled her a little tighter to me, basking in her warmth, listening intently to her quiet breathing and her steady heart beat. The music that was my life now. The music I could not take with me.

I glanced at the clock and noticed that it wouldn't be long before my beautiful Bella would wake. I needed to get my guard up. I could not let her see the pain I was feeling. I should try to start forming a minute distance between us. Maybe it would telling her goodbye a little easier. Maybe, if I created an infinite amount of distance between us, she would believe me sooner when I told her I didn't love her any more.

When did I decide to tell her that?

I didn't remember, but it seemed to make perfect sense now. If I couldn't make her believe that I didn't love her anymore, then maybe she would accept my absence sooner. She would get over me quicker.

Bella's alarm went off, and my angel grumbled before turning over and slamming down on it. She sat up, groggily and hurried through her morning routine.

I sat on her bed, waiting for her to return, thinking of a way to make the approaching days easier.

Like that'll happen, Edward! You were already falling apart yesterday, do you think it'll get better.

Just thinking about my task at hand tore at my non existing heart. I knew the pain was clearly visible in my face and I had to regain control of my emotions so I could face these next couple of days with Bella.

When she returned to the room, smelling of her strawberry scented shampoo and looking positively gorgeous, I felt myself waver.

No! No, Edward! You are going to do this! You'll leave and she will get over you eventually and move on to someone better, safer. Someone who really deserves her and is able to give her all she wants and needs.

I kept my expression smooth as I quickly kissed her on her forehead, before jumping out her window and running home as fast as I could.

I was aware of the fact that Bella had looked concerned, but I hadn't been able to dispel the pain that the outlook of leaving her caused me. It was all I could bear to keep up a remote expression, feigning any enthusiasm or even a smile was a little too much to ask.

When I arrived home I was in no mood to speak, or listen, to anyone so I immediately ran up to my room, changed and jumped in my car in order to drive back to school. When I looked in the rear-view-mirror I saw Alice standing at the front door with a devastated look on her face. I gritted my teeth and shoved the image of her face to the back of my mind. It had been her husband that had made it perfectly clear why Bella shouldn't be with me and although I knew I didn't hold him responsible, I couldn't help but resent him, even if it was just a little.

I was in the parking lot, listening intently for Bella's truck when I heard Mike Newton's ridiculous thoughts.

Cullen's looking grumpy. Hah! I hope he messed up with Bella. Maybe she's angry with him. Would serve the annoying piece of shit right though.

I glared at him and he turned his full attention to Taylor who was walking beside him, babbling about some random movie they were going to see.

The rumble of Bella's truck pulled my attention away from Newton and I waited for her to drive onto the lot.

I walked over to her and opened her door for her.

"How do you feel?" I asked, although I could clearly see in her face that she was in pain.

"I'm fine," she said, but then she winced when she slammed the door shut.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Would this girl ever learn to stop trying to be brave? She should eventually allow herself to show some form of weakness. It was only natural.

I remained distant throughout the day. I occasionally asked her about her arm, but she never said anything other than 'I'm fine'. I resisted the urge to scream at her to tell me the truth and just retreated into myself.

At lunch Bella finally realized Alice wasn't in school at all.

"Where's Alice?" she asked anxiously.

"She's with Jasper," I replied, looking down at the disgusting piece of food I was mangling while I spoke. Anything to keep from seeing the worry and hurt in her eyes. I mentally scoffed at that. I had never, since the first day I'd known her, wanted to avoid her eyes. It wasn't just the fact that I could see too much of her emotions in her eyes, but she could see too much in mine.

"Is he okay?" she continued.

Only Bella would ask if the vampire who almost killed her, was okay.

"He's gone away for a while." At least he will in a few days.

"What? Where?"

I shrugged. "Nowhere in particular," I lied.

"And Alice too?" she asked quietly. Her low voice didn't hide the desperation behind her words, though.

"Yes." I answered coolly. "She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." That is actually a good idea.

I asked her about her arm again and she glared at me.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" she spat, disgusted.

When I didn't answer she put her head on the table. I looked away, blocking out the thoughts around me, especially the ones coming from Newton.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I was hanging onto my sanity by my fingernails and I was more than glad that school was over. The silence between me and Bella was killing me, but I knew I couldn't make it better by saying something. I might lose my carefully composed expression and then she would know too much.

I love you. I'll miss you.

I chanted the words in my head over and over again as I walked her to her car.

"You'll come over later tonight?" she suddenly asked me, dragging me out of my miserable thoughts.

"Later?" I asked, surprised. Did she suspect something was up? Why shouldn't I come over right away?

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh," I said lamely.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?"

"If you want me to."

"I always want you," she said intensely.

I knew that she did. Of course I did and it made it all so much worse. So much harder.

I love you. I'll miss you.

"All right, then," I said and even to me my voice sounded far to cool, too distant.

I leaned in to kiss her forehead and stalked off to my car. I felt like a cad for not kissing her on the lips, for not proving to her that I loved her, but I had a part to play. I needed to convince her somehow that my decision was for the best. That she and I were not supposed to be together and that she would be better off without me.

I speeded the entire way home, not even listening if I got caught, but this being Forks I was in luck. When I pulled up to the house the others were waiting for me. Instead of going inside, I stayed in my Volvo, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I roughly tried to shut out the concerned thoughts that echoed in my mind and those that I did hear, I tried to ignore. It wasn't an easy thing to do when a little pixie was shouting at you in her head.

It took me nearly fifteen minutes to get up the nerve to go inside and face my family.

As soon as I was through the door Esme threw her arms around me, sobbing her tearless sobs.

"Oh, Edward. I know we've all agreed to do this, but it's not too late to change your mind. We can stay if you want to."

I saw my face in the minds of my family and immediately understood why she said it. My eyes were dead, empty. The happiness and joy that I had felt in Bella's presence ever since I first fell in love with her, were completely gone. We hadn't even left and I was already reduced to a shadow of the man I was with her.

I slowly shook my head. "No, mom. I can't stay. I already told you why I think we should leave. She won't be safe wit us here."

With that I went to my room and put the music on loud enough to drown out the concerns from my family. I wanted to forget everything. Every last worry I had about being with Bella, the fear of losing her, the disgust with myself when I put her in danger yet again. I had never resented begin a vampire as much as I did right then. I was revolted to my core with what I was and what that meant for the girl I loved so dearly.

My breathing hitched and I curled up into a ball on the floor of my room. I let all the pain I felt rip through me and it somehow felt like the justified punishment for snagging an angel from heaven. For allowing myself to be close to Bella, allowing her to be close to me. I should have stayed away after that first day in Biology.