Chapter 2 – EPOV
A/N Hi, thanks for deciding to read the second chapter! Hope I didn't scare anybody off with the depressing first one. This one is still a little bit sad, but fear not! The good stuff is coming! I decided to let Edward wallow a little bit in his despair, but that's just who he is, he's lost the love of his life! (well after life)…
Oh and for the record, my name is not Stephanie Meyer (in case you were wondering-ha) so that means I own nothing but my computer which I've been typing on. I love her characters though, so I decided to have a little fun with them and see if anybody would actually read this story (unlikely).
Alice and I left with hardly a goodbye to our unfriendly, half human company. I let her drive me to the airport and we took a flight back to Denali. My family had a home there at the time, not too far from Tanya and Kate's home. I locked myself in my room, and for a full year I spoke to nobody more than a few words. I only left my room to hunt. I didn't attend school.
We settled into our usual routine of moving every four or five years. We spent some time in Europe, and some more in the southern part of Chile where the clouds are almost as prevalent in the sky as in Forks. The first year was the hardest for me. I mastered the art of sitting in one place and not moving, not even thinking. My family left me alone, and I appreciated that more than they knew. At the year mark, however, they could tolerate my solitude no longer and I had to begin interacting once again.
Sixteen years ago, I finally began to feel a little peace. It was her birthday, and I was busy doing one my favorite things, sitting very still and trying not to think, when suddenly I felt a sensation slowly overtake my body. It wasn't the pain or desolation that I felt almost 24 hours a day before, it was new. It was almost as if the world didn't seem quite so pointless. I felt like maybe there might be a reason to live after all. Of course I had no idea what that reason was, but I began interacting with my family a lot more like I used to. I was nowhere near as happy as I was with Bella, and I wasn't even as content as I was before I met her, but I was better than I had been for the previous 37 years up to that point and I knew that was a step in the right direction.
I still spent a lot of my time sitting and trying to drain myself of conscious thought because it was so painful, but I was actually getting better at it. I didn't dwell on the past and what could've been my future as much as I used to. I wasn't a new man, per se, but I was at a new step in my recovery, and my family was proud of me. Esme was joyous beyond reason that I was beginning to show signs of progress. I had heard time and time again how much she worried that I would never rebound, and for a while I had been certain that she was right. I decided to start going to school again. Perhaps the monotony of school would help distract me from my painful past.
Alice was excited at this prospect. She insisted that I knew nothing of the current trends and flairs in fashion, so she decided that she would be in charge training me in the style and etiquette of the time period. I assured her I couldn't care less about the current style or etiquette, but I let her have her fun and pick out all sorts of clothing and "necessities" for school.
The monotony of high school was not nearly the distraction I had hoped it would be, so when we moved the next time, I decided to attend the University nearby and renew my medical degree. Carlisle took courses online now. He marveled at how easy it was for him to brush up on the newest and best medical techniques without leaving our home. I was happy for him.
Three years ago we moved here to Chicago. It became my hometown once again. Of course I hadn't been able to stop thinking about my airplane layover here and how excited I had been to see Bella on the last day of my life. I barely even considered the fact that we were living less than fifty miles from the place I grew up. I was attending high school again this go around. I decided I wanted to be with my siblings a little more during the day, instead of off on my own earning yet another medical degree or any other type of college certificate. If my siblings were going to be in high school this time, then so would I. Carlisle had found a more than grateful hospital to employ him so that he could continue to share his medical skills and talents. Esme was even acting as a nurse this time around. She had worked very hard to control her blood lust like Carlisle, but she decided to work in the children's cancer section, an area where she wouldn't have to deal with excessive amounts of blood.
It had been a particularly sunny last couple of days in the Chicago area and suburbs, so my family had excused themselves out of work and school and had gone on a four day long hunting trip at "Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore." My family and I had been to most of the parks and forests in the area, which were rather sparse considering we lived in a densely populated city. I had decided to stay home this time. My family didn't question me, they knew that every so often, I just needed some alone time, to sit and not think. I needed some time without all of their thoughts in my head so I could try and get rid of and sort through the thoughts that originated within my own.
They were coming back today and I was sure they would be in high spirits since their thirsts were temporarily eased. I heard Carlisle's new Mercedes driving up the dirt path to our surprisingly secluded home on the outskirts of a Chicago suburb called Glen Ellyn. I was able to hear their thoughts before I heard their voices.
Emmett was thrilled that he had actually come across a sleeping bear at the park. Rosalie was mildly amused remembering the epic battle which had taken place between the bear and Emmett. Carlisle was worried that Emmett had killed one of the last sleeping bears at the park and he was busy trying to figure out ways to reinvigorate the bear population at of Chicago. He was considering donating a very large check to any wildlife association which would be willing to help preserve the bears.
Esme was thinking about what might have taken place at the hospital while she was away. She knew a sixteen year old girl was supposed to be transferred there sometime this week to undergo a special chemotherapy treatment which might help her with her cancer. The poor dear Esme thought, she's been in hospital after hospital for the past two years, and nobody can figure out how to treat what she has. Esme was unable to think about anything other than aiding children it seemed sometimes. She was such a mother, and everyone in the world was her children. She should be a saint, I thought wryly.
Jasper wasn't busy thinking anything profound, though he was no stranger to philosophical thoughts. He was mainly watching Alice who was clearly having a vision. The thoughts in Alice's mind were disturbing to say the least. Her vision was not a new one, but one that I had seen long ago, over fifty years ago. This was one vision that was never going to come true, so maybe it was just a memory of that vision that would never come true. It was her and Bella together as two vampires and they were talking like old friends. Seeing this again of course made my stone cold, silent heart ache. How inconvenient were Alice's thoughts and memories sometimes. I had just gotten done reliving that last day and here she had to remember such a hurtful vision at this very moment, as if to taunt me. I knew better than to think that Alice would ever taunt me with something so painful, but she had to cut this out or my head was going to explode.
"Alice, please!" I moaned. I knew she could hear me just as well as anyone else in the car from my third floor bedroom, and for once I was glad because I needed her to stop revisiting the visions she had of Bella, they were simply too excruciating to experience again, knowing that I would never see Bella again. Immediately the vision left Alice's mind and I could see through Jasper's eyes that Alice had a dazed and confused look on her face. It definitely appeared more like she had just been pulled out of a vision of the future rather than a memory of the past. Sorry Edward she thought, I don't know where that came from, it felt like a vision, and it was so much clearer than it ever was before.
I cringed. Uncontrolled thoughts such as those would surely lead to my undoing. I walked downstairs to meet my family and talk to them about their hunt. I knew that they liked it when I engaged them in conversation without waiting for someone to speak to me first. It made them think I was more comfortable and doing a better job dealing with my situation and my loss than I really was. It was still a rare second that passed in the day that I didn't think about Bella at least once.
"The sky will be returning to its usual overcast tomorrow, so we'll be cleared to go to school on Monday," Alice remarked. I watched as a vision of us going to school under dreary skies played through her mind.
"Yes, I love this school!" cried Emmett, "The teachers are so easily intimidated, I hardly have to bat an eyelash to get an A in all my classes."
"Emmett," Carlisle began reproachfully, "Why do you feel the need to intimidate all your teachers? We need to try and ease the humans into thinking we're normal, not scare them for our own entertainment, that's a bit sadistic, don't you think?"
Rosalie scoffed, claws out and ready to defend her husband. "Carlisle, you can't expect Emmett to just sit around passing through these classes in a blur forever, eventually he gets bored and begins to try and find new ways to amuse himself."
Carlisle looked sternly at Rose. Why has she been so temperamental lately? He thought as he stealthily glanced over in my direction meeting my eyes. I just smiled. I knew Rose didn't enjoy this city in the slightest. She was constantly thinking about our options for where we would move next and trying to come up with ways to surreptitiously cause us to move. Carlisle was vaguely aware of Rose's discomfort in our current home, but he really seemed to love his job here, especially since Esme was able to go to work with him and share his passion for helping people. Far be it from anyone in my family, even Rosalie to try and bring down his mood, so for that reason Rose had not outright demanded we move, she decided to be patient and let Carlisle have his fun.
Is it because she wants to move again? Carlisle asked silently. I knew he was watching me out of the corner of his eye so I let my eyes turn up a bit then my whole head bowed. That was an affirmative. I see, thought Carlisle with just the tiniest hint of disappointment. "Rosalie, why are you so unhappy with this place?" he asked, allowing his stern demeanor to relax back into his normal calm, logical one.
"What?" she exclaimed, unaware of the silent conversation that Carlisle and I had just shared, "How do you know about that?" She turned to stare pointedly at me. Did you tell him Edward? Why?
Before I could respond, Carlisle was speaking again, "I'd like to think I can recognize when my own daughter is unhappy," he smiled, "But as you well know, there are no secrets in this house, it's just not possible."
I shifted my shoulders uncomfortably in a very non-vampire way, Alice noticed. It was mostly my fault we had no secrets. I tried to give my family as much privacy as I could, but there was simply no way to block their thoughts from entering my head. It's not just you, Edward. Don't blame yourself. Alice's thoughts reached me and I smiled slightly to let her know she shouldn't worry about me. This mollified her. My smiles were so hard to come by.
"Our lives are nowhere near normal here, we hardly ever get to go outside Carlisle," Rose replied swiftly, speaking too fast for human ears. "I know you're happy here Carlisle, and I don't want to mess that up for you, but we have to miss school almost once a week because of the sun! Why did we have to move here anyway? It's not nearly as cloudy as some of the other places we've lived. I wish we could go back to Forks!" And there it was. Rose had mentioned that taboo subject and we had all frozen, shocked. Even Rosalie was astonished at her outburst. Oh I'm so sorry Edward, I didn't mean it. You know how I get.
Everyone was trying to comfort me, all at once. "Rosalie!" Carlisle admonished. Why does she have to mention that now? He was doing so well. Edward, please don't listen to Rose, you know she's just ranting.
Oh dear, Edward honey, try not to listen to Rosalie, Esme.
Damn, Edward you know not to take Rose seriously when she's angry right? Emmett
Rosalie, what the Hell? Alice.
Anguish, that's the only word for what you're feeling right now. Edward, don't let her get to you, it's not your fault. Jasper.
But he was wrong, they were all wrong. It was completely my fault. Everything was my fault. I was the one who made us leave Forks so quickly in the first place. I was the one who abandoned my one love, and let her die. And I was the one who was going to have to suffer for the rest of eternity with that guilt. They shouldn't try to make me feel better. I deserved this "anguish" as Jasper called it. This was my penance.
Edward, come on man, don't do this to yourself. You know it's not your fault, if anything it's my fault. I was the one who couldn't control my thirst. I was the reason we had to leave!
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't bear their pity and I certainly couldn't stomach Jasper trying to shoulder the blame for something that was completely my doing, my responsibility. I tried to let another smile form on my lips, for their sake, so they would think I was okay. But nothing came. "I'll be in my room if you need me," I said quietly. I turned and made my way up the stairs at a pace that was barely faster than a human. I decided to practice some more sitting and not thinking. The not thinking was always difficult when my family was home because their thoughts tended to intrude on my consciousness in a constant stream. In vain I tried to block the voices, but they were always there. I sighed. I miss you, Bella.