Brian's POV
Mine. I awakened with a face full of silky blond hair, and all I could think was mine. Few know just how possessive I am. I have always walked a fine line between possession and belonging. I have always been able to get people to belong to me without actually taking possession, without claiming them. Without doing or giving anything substantial. Without letting them all the way in. Course, that was before Justin. Lindsay and Michael just belonged to me. I didn't need to tell them I loved them, to offer them what they wanted physically or emotionally. They were and are just mine. Part of their hearts will always belong to me. The parts that are most private. Melanie knows this and hates me for it. David, same deal. Ben's different. He knows, but doesn't blame me. Doesn't blame Mikey. He just takes the rest of Mikey's heart. That's enough for him. Mikey and Lindsay belong to me, but I don't belong to them. I know them, but they will never really know me. I will always be able to hide. Take as much as I want and leave.
With Justin it's different. I have done everything to make him mine without actually taking possession of him. Getting him to offer himself up without doing the same. But even when I don't do anything, he owns my heart. And not just a part. All of it. Much as I try to fight it, I want, no need, to take possession. To truly make him mine.
Mine. That word has resounded in my head and pulsed through my bloodstream for so long that I can't even remember when it started. The first time I knew, really knew, was at the King of Babylon contest. I wanted to prove to Justin, to myself, to the world, that he didn't own my heart. But it backfired. And how. I thought I could play with him without getting hurt. I thought I had an out. All I needed to do was say, "Come home with me," and he would. Or so I thought. When he left with that twink, I…hurt. A lot. When I saw them fucking, I couldn't hear anything but the word mine thrumming through my body, every part. Every cell was screaming it. I was trembling. I could barely see. It took everything in me to walk away. The pain was indescribable. Until then, as far as I knew, I was the only person Justin had been with, well, fucked…seeing him touching, kissing, fucking someone else…his slight arms circled around someone else's torso…his beautiful pink lips kissing someone else's neck…his tight little ass bobbing as he buried his cock inside someone else's body…his eyes closed in rapture I had not brought him…made me crazy. Fucking insane with jealousy.
Yes, I am a hypocrite. So sue me.
I had to do something drastic. I needed to break the connection. Threatened with total annihilation, I was desperate to take back my heart. To take back control. So when that adman from New York offered me a job, I jumped on it. I was ready to abandon everything, my entire life, just so I could get free of Justin's hold on me. But when Justin told me that I couldn't live without him, I knew he was right. As I held him crying in my arms, I knew I was already lost. But I couldn't stop fighting. If that job had not fallen through, I would have left. And then missed Justin like crazy. Become a shell of a person, what I was after he left with Ethan until just 2 days ago. I didn't like feeling helpless…I hated needing…wanting…I was tired of being hurt, disappointed, and abandoned…I thought I had left all that behind when I escaped my insane family. I was wrong. So wrong. In the end, I did something I had never done before. The night of Justin's prom, I took possession. I approached him…drew him back…strengthened the connection, the intimacy I had tried so hard to ignore and then destroy. I pulled at his lapel and looked deep into his eyes, while declaring shyly that I came to "recapture my lost youth."
Mine reverberated throughout my body again when I saw Justin kissing that twink at Babylon after he asked me why he was living at the loft. I knew then that I would do nearly anything to get him back. To pull him back in. I proposed rules because I was adept at the art of the deal, but I would have folded. Thankfully, I didn't need to. I agreed that Justin could fuck other people, but I never believed he would do so on his own. I thought I could take some measure of control back and still have all of him. And for the most part, that was true. In general, he only fucked someone else when we were together. At those times, it wasn't Justin fucking someone. It was us fucking someone. Together. The other person was a prop, like a dildo.
Unfortunately, I was wrong again. I was always underestimating Justin's power over my heart. His ability to wreck me. He broke the rules a couple of times, and it killed me. I burned inside, though I never said a word. The pain made me push him away harder next time. I was still trying to possess him without claiming him as my own. Even when I knew I had probably lost him, I was still trying to get what I wanted while giving as little of myself, well, openly, as possible. It backfired again. And how. I watched in horror as that penniless fiddler took what was mine. Because I hate feeling helpless…afraid….I hate being so connected to someone that that person knew me better than I knew myself. Justin always saw inside of me when no one else could. Lindsay, Mikey, Deb, everyone except Justin, believed I'd never want to be a father…that I could never really fall in love…that I could never change…that I didn't still want my parents' love and approval. Everyone was wrong. Except Justin. I hated not being able to hide. I hated needing someone near me to breathe. So I let him leave me. And I felt hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. When I fought with Mikey about Justin, I was fighting myself. The twat part of me that kept bellowing mine. Over and over. The part of me that wanted to take possession of what belonged to me. To bring Justin home.
Even when Justin came back, when he told me he loved me, when he stayed, I struggled to hide, push him away, get back my heart, remove him from my bed, my home, my life. But holding him now, I had so little strength left. All I wanted to do was GIVE. IN.
FUCK. All I wanted to do was make Justin mine. Really make him mine. Tie him to me with a label, keep him with me always.
I've lost. The worst possible thing has happened. Justin owns me completely. He's in.