Chapter 30 To Leave Or Not To Leave? That Is The Question.
Brenda was on cloud nine; Roy had a way of making her feel good. He believed in her talent and always made over her, which naturally Brenda loved. She walked up to a small group outside of the theatre.
"What are you doing tonight Brenda?" Carol her understudy said with a smile.
Brenda smiled and shrugged, "Nothing much. Excuse me." Brenda reached into her bag hearing the chime of her cell phone. She brought it to her ear, "Hello."
"Bren?" Dylan said softly
"What?" Brenda said frustrated, walking away from the group so she could have privacy.
"Look…I know you're pissed but just talk to me. You have always been able to talk to me."
"Dylan…I don't want to talk about it. There isn't anything you can tell me to make it better. It's done."
"What about us?"
"Dylan…there is just too much…pain…anger…too much…"
"Love?" Dylan interrupted.
Brenda looked down, bam her good mood was gone, "Sometimes its not enough." She said sadly.
Brenda heard nothing from the line, the silence grew thick and she wasn't sure what Dylan was thinking because they were on the phone, there was no way to read him, "I'm sorry for hitting you."
"It's ok." Dylan was quiet.
The silence made Brenda uncomfortable, "I'll come and get my stuff tomorrow." Brenda waited for a response, "okay?"
"Yeah…where are you going to be?" Dylan sounded emotionless
"The beach apartment."
"Alright, I got to go." Dylan said short as Brenda heard the line click.
Brenda took a deep breath and looked down at the phone. She hit end and slowly brought her attention back to the group laughing and chatting. The sadness came back, it may have hid out for the 4 hours she was in rehearsal but hearing his voice made it come back quickly. Brenda was so torn, she wanted to brush her hands of him, move on and get into acting and maybe after time she would or could love someone else. Then there was that other part in her, the part that was in the majority, that couldn't imagine her life without him. She couldn't imagine not feeling him next to her, holding her, kissing her, loving her. Brenda shook her head trying not to think about it. She past her best smile off to the group as she joined them. Carol reached into her bag and grabbed a cigarette and lit it. Brenda watched her, "You want one?" Carol said sweetly.
Brenda shook her head, "Nah…thanks though." Brenda did want one. She had started smoking again after moving back to London. Smoking was so accepted in Europe and everyone did it. They even smoked in restaurants, bars and once Brenda went to a wedding and they actually smoked at the reception in the hotel's ballroom. It was so different than the health conscience L.A.
Carol grabbed her cell, "Hello…Oh hey Dylan, what time do you want to meet up?"
Brenda took a deep breath and cleared her throat, hearing the name.
She smelled the cigarette and only to an ex smoker would it smell good. She thought about Dylan and him being the reason she had quit. Ironic wasn't it, Dylan didn't like Brenda being addicted to cigarette's and hated the idea of Brenda being a smoker and she hated his own addictions.
Carol hung up quickly, "My boyfriend." she rolled her eyes at Brenda.
Brenda smiled and nodded hearing her phone ring again, she looked at the caller id this time not wanting to talk to Dylan again but it was Donna.
"Hey Don."
"Hey…just so you know, we are here, come over when you're done with rehearsal, I ordered pizza, the girls are here and I got Margaritassssss." Donna sang it.
Brenda laughed, "Ok sounds good, I'm leaving now, I will be there in 20...30 minutes."
"Alright…see ya soon." Donna hung up.
Brenda was looking forward to a girls type night, she felt like she really hadn't hung out with any of her friends since being back. She was preoccupied with Dylan and David even Kelly's bitchiness, she figured it would be a good time to bury the hatchet with her and get to know his brother's girlfriend even better even though Brenda already seemed to like her anyway.
Brenda walked up the steps to the beach apartment. One thing she will never get used to being back in L.A. was the traffic. She used to walk everywhere in London or take the tube. She liked the fast pace of the city and she was surprised even Dylan enjoyed it. She honestly believed if they hadn't lost Danielle, they would still be living there.
"Knock…knock." Brenda said letting herself through the back door. She moved her hair behind her ears and smiled as she saw, Donna, Kelly, Gina and Janet sitting in their pajamas with a pizza box in the middle of them. "Well…well…what do we have here."
Donna got up and smiled, "Well…we wanted to cheer you up and Kelly and I were talking about that slumber party you put together our sophomore year. Well…that night brought us all closer and we thought maybe a little remake was in order."
"A slumber party?" Brenda laughed, "Don't you think we are kind of old? I mean we were kind of old then."
"Its not a slumber party, its female bonding at its finest AND there is one thing we have tonight that we didn't have then."
Brenda started taking her jacket off, "And what's that?" she said afraid to ask.
"Alcohol." Donna smiled and batted her big brown eyes.
Brenda smile grew as she shook her head, "Thank god for that, but I think I am a little over dressed for this party, who has pajama's for me?" Brenda held out her arms.
"Come on, I think we are the same size." Gina got up dragging her into her bedroom.
**
Brandon, Steve, Noah, Matt and even David, stood in the hallway of the Bel Age hotel as they knocked on Dylan's suite.
"I can't believe you guys made me come. I was perfectly fine with staying home." David said rolling his eyes.
"David…get off it, you aren't even with Brenda anymore and we have all been friends for too long. The girls planned a girls night so we are doing a guys night and if Brenda needed cheering up so does he probably. Dylan just isn't the kind of guy to ask for it." Steve gave his two cents.
"Dylan…open up." Brandon yelled knocking again.
David shook his head, "I understand that Steve but Dylan and I haven't got along for months, he probably doesn't even want me here, we almost got in a fist fight for God sakes."
"David…really, are you going to bitch like a little girl all night or are you going to have any fun." Noah said joking giving David a look.
"Haha…fine…dropped." David sighed defeated.
Brandon knocked one more time, "Guys…I don't think he is here."
"We should have called first." Steve said frustrated.
"If we would have called he really wouldn't have answered the door." Brandon looked up as Dylan opened the door in his robe, wet hair and all.
"Yesssss." Steve moved past letting himself in.
"Hey bro, get dressed we are going out." Brandon said setting his hand on his shoulder.
"Nah…man I am good." Dylan took a deep breath eying all the guys, stopping and looking at David.
"Dude McKay, this suite is huge." Steve could be heard from the back bedroom.
Dylan motioned them to come in after rolling his eyes at Steve. Noah, Matt and David walked past Dylan and took a seat on the couch.
"I don't know what's happening anymore with Brenda and it doesn't matter if I do or not. I saw her earlier and she seemed upset. The girls planned to cheer her up and have a girls night, so Steve and I thought it would be a good idea to come kidnap you."
"Brandon…I am fine." Dylan lied, "I'm in recovery I can't drink and I don't really want to be around it. Thanks though." Dylan nodded letting Brandon know he appreciated the thought.
"Well…I knew you were going to say that so…we all vowed no drinking tonight…any of us."
"Yeah McKay…you have to come because even I agreed and that's love man." Steve nodded coming back into the living room area of the room.
Dylan took a deep breath and looked at the guys, who all had their eyes on him, "And where do you guys expect to go that doesn't have alcohol."
Brandon wiggled his eyebrows and smiled.
**
"Brenda…you better eat another piece of pizza because you are making us look like pigs." Donna got up to go answer the door. She pulled it open and smiled.
"Hey Val…bout time you showed up."
Valerie smiled uncomfortably, gripping on to her overnight bag.
Brenda helped Kelly collect the margarita glasses for refills. She looked to the side noticing Valerie slowly walk in behind Donna.
"Go change in my room Val…pj's only." Donna said joining Brenda and Kelly in the kitchen.
Val nodded and walked back not saying much. She knew things weren't that great with Brenda and the reason why she was late was because she had to talk herself into even coming. The truth was none of the girls knew what had happened between them and they invited her making sure she was involved.
"Why did you invite her?" Brenda looked back and forth to Kelly and Donna.
Kelly and Donna looked at each other, "What do you mean?" Kelly said confused.
"I thought you and Valerie were friends." Donna was also just as confused as Kelly.
"Were." Brenda took a deep breath picking up the filled glass and carrying it over to Janet.
"What did I miss?" Donna said shaking her head.
Kelly shrugged, "I don't know…but this party may get interesting." Kelly reached for Gina's glass.
"Kel." Donna gave her a look, "you're enjoying this, I thought you and Valerie were fine now a days."
Kelly smiled, "We are…but would you want to be the one Brenda was mad at?"
Donna looked over at Brenda downing her margarita, Donna shook her head, "No." Donna laughed, "Come on."
Valerie made her way out of Donna's bedroom. "Val, help yourself to a drink or pizza." Donna called out.
"She knows how to help herself…believe me. She'll take a bite before you're even done eating it." Brenda mumbled.
Kelly mouth dropped as she saw Gina elbow Brenda. Kelly leaned in, "What's going on?" she whispered to Brenda.
Brenda shook her head, "nothing."
Kelly looked at her as Brenda shrugged playfully. "Val…bring the pitcher, we all need more refills." Kelly said so confused.
**
The guys climbed the stairs to the beach apartment quietly. "I don't think we should be here." Dylan shook his head following behind. Not really wanting to see Brenda but did enough to not wait in the car.
"Cause we all want to know your opinion of the matter." David said with attitude.
"Will you guys quit it, you haven't shut up since we left the hotel, you're like an old married couple." Steve joked.
"Guys…I left my wallet here, I can't be driving around without it, it will only take a minute." Brandon said leading the group.
The guys walked across the balcony and smiled at the sight of the girls. They were laughing and drinking. Dylan looked at Brenda, she looked happy, dancing around with Gina. He watched as she swung her hips in short girl type boxer shorts and a tank top. The tank top riding up an inch or two showing off her mid drift, her hair swung from side to side. He was memorized by her. He looked toward the guys all looking through the window smiling at their girlfriends.
Brandon's eyes locked with Kelly's. She didn't know what made her look out the window. They stared at each other for a few seconds as Kelly looked away saying something to the girls that made them all stop and look toward the window.
"Busted." Steve whispered.
Brandon laughed and opened the back door.
Donna stood up walking forward and setting her hand on her hips, "You guys are so not suppose to be here."
'I know." Brandon put his hands up, "I forgot my wallet. Hey ladies." Brandon looked around and flirted, "Can I get it?" he gave Donna puppy dog eyes.
Donna sighed, "Fine." she smiled as Noah came in. He bum rushed her throwing her over his shoulder as she giggled.
David, Steve and Matt went over saying hello to their girls as Dylan stood in the entrance.
"Hey Dylan." Valerie said with a smile as David wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
"Hey." he said softly sticking his hands in his pockets and shifted his weight.
Dylan looked at Brenda as she stared back at him. She took a deep breath and looked down. She picked up her glass and went into the kitchen pouring herself another margarita. She didn't have to look at him to know he was watching her. She expected him to walk over and talk to her, maybe that was why she went into the kitchen to begin with. Part of her wanted him too, but he didn't. She looked over at David and Valerie and noticed David looking at her he gave her a small smile. Brenda sighed and gave him a tight smile back. She still adored him, he was such a good friend to her and she missed that.
"Ok…got it, ready boys?" Brandon came out of the bedroom area. He looked up and noticed Matt and Kelly kissing. He cleared his throat, "Hello…guys, are we going?" he said impatiently not wanted to see what he was seeing.
Dylan looked at Brenda, "Yeah ...let's go."
"Where are you going?" Gina moved in front of Brandon.
"Not telling." Brandon smiled and shook his head.
Donna looked at Noah, "You guys are going to stay out of trouble right?"
Noah smiled and leaned in kissing her, "Of course."
Dylan sighed looking at Brenda again, she stared at him, she wanted to run and throw her arms around him. Maybe it was because she was tipsy, maybe she regretted telling him to leave her alone. She just knew she wanted it and he just looked at her sadly not saying anything to her. Brenda felt herself getting emotional. She frowned and moved quickly past him, brushing him lightly and opening the door to the balcony. The gang noticed Brenda sudden dash for the door and looked at each other. Suddenly Brandon felt bad coming there, the point was just to get his wallet but seeing the awkwardness with them now he regretted even going there. Brandon looked at Dylan and Dylan opened up the balcony door.
Steve took a deep breath, Sitting on the arm of the chair next to Janet. He took the margarita from her and took a sip, "Guess we aren't leaving just yet."
Dylan walked and saw Brenda leaning her elbows against the railing of the balcony looking out into the ocean. "Brenda?"
Brenda looked up and to the side, she didn't want Dylan to see her upset. She quickly wiped the tear even though Dylan saw it. "Why are you crying?"
"I'm fine." Brenda pretended. "Just emotional I guess."
Dylan nodded and looked out into the ocean as well. She said she wanted him to leave her alone and he debated with himself back and forth if he could do that. It would be hard but if that's what she wanted then what could he do?
"I know it seems like I checked out on you Bren and maybe I did, but that doesn't change how I feel about you now or the past few years we have been together." Dylan turned his body so he faced her as he leaned in tilting his head so she would look at him.
Brenda looked at him, she held herself back from taking him into her arms and taking him back. "I just don't know if there is a future with us Dylan." Brenda was being truthful, Brenda thought, he would never get married again, would either of them ever be emotionally stable to have more kids…would he want to, was love enough to make it work. Should Brenda waste her time?
To Brenda's surprise Dylan agreed, "Yeah I know." their reasons being different. Dylan thought maybe there was no future because she didn't want one, and she was sick of his shit and couldn't forgive him for giving up on them.
"I know…you want me to leave you alone and I will." Dylan sighed, "It just feels like I am giving up on you again."
Brenda looked at him, I don't want you to give up on me! I want you…I want to marry you, be committed to you, I want to have more babies with you. I love you and I didn't mean it, I don't want you to leave me alone! Brenda took a deep breath getting ready to blurt out everything she wanted to say to him.
Steve opened up the back door as the guys filed out, "We better get going? Are you ready?" Steve said innocently, the guys had all debated interrupting them and by the looks of everything it didn't look like they were really talking. Plus the girls were trying to kick them out. They wanted to cheer Brenda up not make her miserable.
Dylan exhaled, "Yeah I am ready." he gave her a small smile, filled with pain and sadness.
Brenda smiled faintly back not being able to tell him with the guys standing there on the balcony.
"Bye Bren." Dylan whispered as the guys past them heading down the stairs.
"Bye." Brenda said sadly watching him walk away. Damn it…she was so mad at herself for telling him to leave her alone and that she wanted to hate him.
Brenda watched the boys leave and went back inside. Maybe it was better she didn't get to bare her soul, it seemed like Dylan may just agree that maybe being apart was the best thing. And after all these years and all the times Brenda had bared her soul to him, telling him she loved him and always would, she really didn't think she could take the rejection again.
Please review! Sorry I know I am torturing you. *Wink* you love me. The next chapter will continue with this night. It was running long so I cut it there. There will be some female and male drama to come : )