Here is the next chapter; it's another sad one, so I am sorry. I wanted to thank all of my readers…I hit 400 reviews for this story and I am so excited. I wasn't sure how people were going to take it considering it got ugly and you saw a lot more flaws in the characters that we all knew they had but in fanfiction land we tend to leave out. Anyway please don't stop the reviews cause you guys are what makes me continue. I get these ideas and if no one was reading I wouldn't want to do it. So thanks again and here is chapter 36. Enjoy!
Chapter 36 Just Hate Me
DELETE…DELETE…DELETE. Dylan hit the keys on his laptop. Dylan dreaded the next couple of days. In two days she would be on a plane to the East Coast and gone from his life. He began writing again because since he was holding all these feelings in he needed a way to release them. He began writing poetry but nothing was coming out right. It sounded forced and not to his true feelings. Dylan started over and started typing away. He was angry; more so at himself and it was starting to come out in his writing. He wrote and wrote and before he knew it, there was a whole poem.
In the next room, Brenda sat on the bed in the hotel shifting through her things, to take, to trash, to give away to Good Will. Her to take pile was definitely bigger. She laughed to herself remembering Dylan giving her a hard time. When they lived together in London, they had been in the same apartment for 3 years. Things pile up; you collect junk, when they decided to come back to Beverly Hills Dylan made her go through her clothes. She smiled remembering, even in Dylan's blur of heroin abuse he still had good days and he was still incredibly cute, sweet and funny. Them living in their own world over there, without the distraction of their judging friends felt so right, what Brenda would do to have that again.
"Brenda…you haven't wore this since the early nineties. Toss it." Dylan said throwing a rust colored blazer across the room.
"Hey." Brenda made a face as she watched it land in the non existent toss pile. "I like that jacket."
"Brenda." Dylan said sternly, "I distinctly remember you wearing that jacket when we dated in high school, its going."
Brenda pouted and watched as Dylan rummaged through the pile on her bed. "Oh come on." Dylan laughed, "This shirt I know is from high school. Its so big and baggy it would fit me."
"No…it would not." Brenda crossed her arms.
"Really? Watch." Dylan smiled as he pulled his t-shirt over his head and put the green satin button down on. "See." The shirt fit for the most part but was short…way too short.
Brenda laughed rising to her knees. "You look ridiculous."
Dylan smiled moving closer to her on the bed, "What? I thought you liked this look." Dylan stood in front of her, Brenda being higher on the bed made them almost the same height.
Brenda giggled, "Ok it goes…it is hideous." she leaned her face close to his. Brenda began to unbutton the hideous green satin shirt. Dylan grabbed it sides and pulled it as the buttons popped to the floor. "Oooo." Brenda smiled grabbing the sides of the shirt and pushed it to the floor, she leaned in running her tongue across his lips.
Dylan stared at her wickedly having one thing on his mind at that time, he gently began biting on her lip and nibbling on it.
"Owe." Brenda laughed as he nibbled to hard.
"Did I hurt you?" Dylan said raising her eyebrows seductively, taking off her shirt, "This definitely goes, this too." Dylan unsnapped her bra with one hand. "I don't think you need any of this." Referring to everything she was wearing. Brenda stood to her feet so she looked down at him and he pulled her into him, lifting her off the bed. Brenda cupped his face as she wrapped her legs around his body. She kissed him hard and passionately as Dylan slowly spun her around. He lowered her to the bed a top all of Brenda's clothes.
Brenda shook her head trying to get those times out of her head. She felt the tears coming; she had been hiding them from Dylan for days. He was being nice to her but she knew he was keeping his distance.
"Bren." Dylan stuck his head in.
"Uh...yeah." Brenda looked down and quickly wiped the tears before looking back at him.
Dylan knew she was crying but he didn't bring attention to it. "I am going surfing; want me to bring dinner back?"
Brenda quickly nodded, "Sure."
"Anything in particular?" Dylan leaned against the door frame and smiled at the sight of Brenda's clothes covering the bed. He remembered all the crap she had buried in their closet and he remembered the last time she had done it before they had moved back to L.A. how playful they were with each other. How many times they would leave restaurants just to get out quickly to go home and make love all night. In particular, one night stuck out, it was shortly after Dylan had arrived in London. They had been platonic for maybe two weeks before things started heating up. With this particular time, they had just moved forward and began to be a couple again.
Brenda had been eyeing him through dinner, stroking his leg and thigh with her foot. Dylan smiled at her and raised his eyebrow, "You are mean…don't think I won't just take you now, in front of all these people."
"You wouldn't." Brenda smirked calling his bluff.
"You don't think so?" Dylan took his napkin and tossed it on top of the table.
Brenda giggled as she watched Dylan get up out of his chair and take her hand. He started singing loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear, spinning her around, dipping her back and laying a big fat passionate kiss on her lips in front of everyone. Brenda smiled as he pulled her back up; he grabbed her lifting her up so her legs were straddling him. He touched his forehead to hers and spun her around and continued to sing to her quietly.
"Ah sir, this isn't that kind of establishment." The waiter said nervous and uptight.
Dylan smiled looking at the waiter, "Well sir, here is my wallet. Take what you want because she has it coming to her, that's what happens with us, we turn every establishment into this, we have a problem with restraint." Dylan handed his wallet to the waiter, in which looked down shocked and actually broke a smile.
Brenda covered her face with embarrassment and laughed.
"Go ahead, open it, take it all." Dylan moved in and kissed Brenda hard, who was still being carried.
The waiter opened the wallet pulling out one of Dylan's 100 dollar bills and shrugged.
"Take two." Dylan said not taking his eyes off Brenda and kissing her in between talking to the waiter. Dylan reached out taking his wallet back, "Keep the change."
The crowd starting clapping and hooting and hollering as Dylan kissed Brenda passionately, playfully spinning her slowly heading for the door.
"See." Dylan said with a flirty smile, "Don't call my bluff."
Brenda giggled leaning in and kissing him now that they were outside, "God I am glad you're here." Brenda whispered with a smile.
"There isn't anywhere else I would want to be." Dylan smiled and whispered back.
Dylan bit his lip sadly, remembering how much fun they had back then, "Whatever you want is fine…you know what I like." Brenda interrupted his flashback, she looked down and continued going through the clothes. Dylan nodded and stared at her, he wasn't sure how he was going to say goodbye to her. She looked up and looked at him feeling his stare.
"What?"
Dylan shook his head, "Nothing just remembering…I guess. I'll see you in a few hours."
Brenda gave him a smile and nodded, "Bye." she whispered watching him leave the bedroom.
Brenda took a deep breath and got up walking into the living room area and opened up the small fridge grabbing a coke. She noticed Dylan's laptop opened and decided to check her email, maybe play a game, anything to keep her mind off moving away. He sat in front of it and rubbed her finger over to clear the screen saver from it. Brenda minimized the word processor program but restored it right away noticing it was Dylan's writing. She began reading and was surprised he hadn't closed it, she leaned in closer reading the whole poem.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
Brenda stared at the words and read over it three times. She hit print and gently closed his laptop. Why did he leave this open? Did he want her to read it? All the why's and what if's ran through her head. She jumped slightly hearing a knock at the door.
"Hang on." Brenda called out folding the printed poem.
"Bren…it's me…Val." Valerie called out.
Brenda opened the door and let her in. "Hey what's up?"
"Do you or Dylan have a carry on or something I can borrow?"
Brenda motioned to Valerie to follow her into the bedroom, "Yeah check the closet, I am sure there is one in there, where are you going?"
"David and I are going to Palm Springs for the weekend." Valerie opened the closet and looked around.
Brenda not paying attention to Valerie began to fold her to take pile.
"What time do you leave on Thursday?" Valerie's muffled voice came from inside the closet.
"My flight leaves at nine; I guess I will leave here around 7:15...7:30." Brenda answered back.
Valerie found a tan carry on in the back of the closet and raised herself to her feet. Brenda looked up and saw her holding it, "Oh good you found one, whatever is inside just throw on the floor, Dylan has a horrible habit of not unpacking for a year." Brenda smiled.
Valerie looked inside and reached her hand in feeling the small velvet box. She looked at it and as she held the bag under her arm she opened it. Valerie's eyes grew wide as she saw the engagement ring.
"Was there tons of stuff in it?" Brenda asked curiously.
Valerie closed the box quickly and set it back in the bottom of the bag before Brenda turned to look at her, "No it's empty." Valerie smiled.
Brenda raised both eyebrows and smiled back, "Surprising."
"So…it must be hard leaving Dylan huh?" Valerie was now more nosy than ever.
Brenda swallowed hard and shrugged, "I don't know what's going on with Dylan, he told me he can't commit to me and that I should go to New York…he's acting strange. I guess he just doesn't love me as much as I love him." Brenda began to tear up and she turned from Valerie so she wouldn't see. Brenda acted busy still rummaging through her clothes.
Valerie smirked looking in the bag again, "Do you think Dylan will even notice the bag is gone?"
"I doubt it."
"Well…David and I will come by on Thursday and say our goodbyes, tell Dylan thanks for the bag." Valerie took the ring and bag with her. Something was going on with Dylan and she was going to find out about it. If Dylan had an engagement ring then why was he telling Brenda he couldn't commit and why was he letting her move to the other side of the country?
Brenda smiled at her friend that she had had such an off and on friendship with. Brenda had allowed a guy to come between her and Kelly and it had taken years to get things back with her. Brenda refused to let it happen again with Valerie. She moved closer to her and embraced her, "I am glad we are on speaking terms again." Brenda said as she rubbed down Valerie's back.
"Me too…and now your leaving." Valerie pulled away and pouted.
"You can come visit me, you and David; it's just an excuse to plan a city trip."
"True…thanks for the bag I will see you before you leave for sure." Valerie started her way to the front door.
"Ok…see ya." Brenda let her show herself out as she pulled out the poem Dylan had wrote and read it again. What was going on with him? Why couldn't she read him? Was she just looking for any excuse or lead from him to stay? That's all it was. Brenda didn't want to go to New York alone. Yes she wanted to be a working actor but she could do that here. What was the fun of a new city and moving forward if she didn't have Dylan? She already did the moving for me thing when she went to London. Moving away from all her friends and him. She already experienced it and look what happened…Dylan came to find her. Brenda sighed wiping a stray tear that had snuck out. She didn't want to leave him but if he didn't want her then there was no reason to stay.
**
Valerie hurried through the front door of her room, "Oh my God David, look." Valerie reached into the carry on and pulled out the engagement ring.
David moved closer to her and took the velvet box in his hand, "What…it's a ring, big deal, whose is it?" David was oblivious.
"I went next door to borrow a bag from Dylan." Valerie held it up... "And this was in the bottom of it." Valerie smirked.
"No." David was surprised, "Dylan is going to ask Brenda to marry him? Why did you take it? Go give it back to him." David shook his head, Valerie still amused him.
"Maybe he was going to ask her, it was in this bag in the back of the closet and Brenda is over there packing so…what is up with that?"
David shrugged, "Maybe he changed his mind." David handed the ring back and walked over to the couch.
"But why? Why are those too so stubborn, they create this invisible drama with each other when everyone knows they belong together. I mean jesus, that's the only time Dylan isn't a complete asshole."
"I beg to differ." David opened up a magazine.
"David…are you in love with Brenda?" Valerie tone changed and she set her hand on her hip.
"No…I mean I care about her but I am in love with you." David tried to dig himself out of whatever hole he got himself into without even trying.
"Then stop being a jerk about Dylan…the only reason you would hate Dylan is if you were in love with Brenda yourself and were jealous." Valerie smirked knowing David was probably crapping his pants at this point and that wasn't the point she was trying to make.
"Val." David shook his head.
"No…David, listen, I know how you feel about me. But I know how you feel about Bren and its okay. I know you are in love with me and I am secure enough in our relationship to know your feelings for Brenda were deeper than hers were for you. But that is no reason to take it out on Dylan. He is a good guy and the way you treat him and the way you act towards him is obvious and old." Valerie rolled her eyes annoyed at David.
David sighed; it was true, even though David was in love with Valerie and wanted to be with her. He had loved Brenda and losing her to Dylan was a slap in the face because he had always thought about it and it made him insecure at the time in his relationship with Brenda. He knew it would happen and even though David was the one who actually ruined things with Brenda, he couldn't help being a sore loser.
"Be the man I fell in love with and talk to him." Valerie took the carry on into the bedroom.
"Stay out of it Val…I am telling you, give that ring back to Dylan and STAY OUT OF IT." David yelled to make sure Valerie would hear him in the bedroom.
**
Brenda stared at the writing as she sat on the couch. She couldn't stop reading it; she couldn't stop having a feeling about every sentence. Her sadness turned to anger almost, probably just because she wasn't sure what was going on. This poem or whatever it was, was asking Brenda to hate him and that he didn't deserve her and Brenda wanted to know if that was why he was pushing her away. Brenda stared down at it as she heard Dylan come through the front door. She didn't look at him she just started at the writing.
"I got Mexican…I figured you would probably miss the lack of quality Mexican food being in New York and everything." Dylan said setting the food down on the dining table.
Brenda had planned to stay calm and just talk to him about the poem but her temper got the best of her, "What does this mean?" she raised her voice and held up the poem.
"What does what mean?" Dylan looked confused.
"Your writing…ok maybe I am kind of dense when it comes to poetry but I can read, what exactly does this mean?" Brenda got up.
"You read it." Dylan looked down moving his hands in his pockets.
"It's not like you hid it from me, I went on to check my email and it was open. Why are you doing this, acting like you don't deserve me? Is that why you want me to go? You want me to hate you Dylan? Cause I am not going to do that."
"No." Dylan shook his head, "Its just feelings…they are words, thoughts in my head, sometimes they aren't supposed to make sense but yes it would make it easier if you just hated me for everything I have done to you. That you wouldn't look at me like that and melt my heart. You would look at me and take me for the selfish asshole I am."
"It pisses me off you don't know how special you are, you think so little of yourself. You are smart…brilliant, loyal and sexy. I couldn't ever hate you...I love you."Brenda said the last part calmly and hurt.
"I want you to go to New York to be somebody, I don't want to hold you back…FOR WHAT? For a bum…for a no future, jerk like me?" Dylan was now yelling.
"But I don't want to go without you." Brenda yelled back now crying.
Dylan shook his head and went to grab his coat he had just taken off. Run he thought run before she sees through you.
"Look at me, don't run away from me." Brenda pleaded keeping her voice raised.
Dylan looked down trying to hide his emotions, "What do you want from me Brenda?" Dylan said quietly.
"Tell me to my face…look at me in the eyes and tell me…you aren't in love with me anymore." Brenda moved closer to him, she felt like her heart beating so fast and so loud she was sure he could hear it. She looked up at him. Getting even closer to him so he was forced to look at her because she was shorter than him and his eyes were already glued to the floor. "Tell me and I will go."
Dylan looked away, he couldn't look at her, "I can't." Dylan whispered.
Brenda raised herself on her tip toes and touched her lips to his, opening her mouth gently and closing it around his. After a second Dylan pulled away, "You're going to New York. Just because I love you, doesn't mean I changed my mind about being with you. I can't commit to you Brenda, we want different things, I need to be alone." Dylan said angrily.
Brenda backed away staring at him, tears falling uncontrollably from her eyes. She didn't care if he saw; she had always hid them even going back to high school days. She never let him know how much he stomped on her heart choosing Kelly over her. This time she didn't care if he knew.
Dylan sighed and tilted his head and stared back at her, "I am sorry Brenda." He whispered reaching out to her.
Brenda shook her head and pulled away before he could grab her. She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. After everything she had done for him he was giving up on her again. Brenda knew she was reaching for the inevitable, when has Dylan said anything he didn't mean? He was loyal and honest and Brenda was just looking for any excuse to stay there. She knew it, Dylan knew it and he wasn't going to allow her to miss out on this opportunity. Maybe it was mean, maybe it was over the top but that's how he felt. Dylan sighed out loud because it was taking everything he had not to follow her into that bedroom, get the ring out and beg her to stay with him. Even if he just went in there to tell her how he felt, he knew what would happen. Dylan grabbed his jacket and headed out the front door. He got to the elevator and as the doors started to close he reached out changing his mind to stop them. He was too slow and down he went to the lobby.
This story will probably be over in 2 or 3 more chapters. I know I know another emotional chapter, isn't Dylan being such a stubborn ass? Anyway, what happened to Gina? Is anyone even wondering or is the Brenda and Dylan saga too interesting. You will find out next chapter. And Kelly and Brandon will have closure, together? Guess you will have to read. Also does anyone think that Brenda and Dylan should spend the night together and be close on her last night in Beverly Hills? Of course I am not going to tell you if Brenda goes or not, what's the fun in that? But I will tell you she does go to the airport (hint hint) haha now all your minds are saying GO DYLAN stop her…lol It isn't as predictable as it sounds :-) The poem I had Dylan "write" is actually a song called hate me by Blue October, the song is so Dylan its scary but anyway…Please review and the next chapter should be up soon.