I love this chapter. More A/N at the bottom! :D
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Brennan got into her car quickly and slammed the door. Tears streamed down her face, and she swiped at them angrily with her sleeve. Why was she upset? There was absolutely no reason for her to be crying at this moment in time, yet she found that the harder she tried to stop, the more she sobbed.
She sat with her head on the wheel for at least twenty minutes. As her tears subsided, she looked into the diner. Booth was still sitting there, exactly where she'd left him, staring out the window. She was glad he couldn't see her- how could she possibly explain herself?
There was nothing she despised more than when her heart disagreed with her brain. The two weren't at odds very often, but when they were, she felt like a helpless child. She wanted to go to Booth, to fold herself into his arms and let him comfort her. She could imagine him stroking her hair, whispering reassurances, protecting her from… but that was it. She couldn't go to Booth, because he seemed to be the cause of her discontent. She looked at him again, her stomach churning.
Why had he said it was a mistake? She hadn't been expecting him to say that- Booth was not the rational one. He was the feelings guy, and as such, she had been expecting a declaration of love. Perhaps she was incorrectly assuming things about his feelings for her. Why had she been so sure he felt that way about her? She wondered what Dr. Sweets would say about the situation. She wished she could ask him, but… he was Sweets. Booth would probably be mad if she asked him, although she didn't know why. Despite her insistance that psychology was a soft science (and it was, really), she found herself wishing she could understand people like Booth did. Mostly she wanted to understand Booth- to know why he felt the way he did about things. It wasn't often that she wished she was better at something, and it bothered her.
She couldn't bring herself to do anything- not to turn the keys and drive herself home, nor to open the door and walk back inside to Booth. So she sat.
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He told her once that not everything changes. But of course, she was right. Everything changes. Spending five years with someone- getting to know them, protecting them, relying on them, trusting them- changed a person. He knew he was a different man because of her.
Why was he content to let things stay the way they were? He had known what she was going to say to him tonight, and he'd given her the easy out. It was easiest for both of them, really. Yet he couldn't deny the overwhelming disappointment he felt in letting it go that easily. He should have told her. He couldn't lie to himself anymore, how long could he keep lying to her? He knew it was a lie- after all, lying by omission was definitely still dishonest. By not telling her his feelings, he was not trusting her. And he did trust her, but... what was the but? She was an adult, she should be allowed to make her own decisions about her life. But she had already, hadn't she? She'd denied feelings for him so many times- that was her decision. But maybe if she knew exactly how he felt...
He felt so trapped- if he did something that toppled the perfect balance of their friendship, he'd never forgive himself. On the other hand, he couldn't live his whole life with her but at the same time without her. It was frustrating.
He had been warned against telling her- both by Cam and Sweets. He trusted Cam's judgement a lot, and the kid... well, he was a kid, but he sometimes knew what he was talking about.
He sighed. Obviously, he was going to keep chasing his own tail, having dozens of dead-end conversations with her, letting her slip away from him, waiting for her to do something. Why was it so easy to stay motionless?
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Thanks in advance for all of your amazing reviews. ;)
Like I said, I'm fond of this chapter. I really like writing this angsty "feeling" stuff, both from Brennan's and Booth's point of view, although Brennan's is much harder to nail down and keep in character. Tell me what you think? I'd love that!
mwah
Hanna