AN: Eeep. Sorry for the delay. Real Life turned super fail, and I was internetless for a while, and the moved at the last minute (FML). But anyway. Here we are. Not mine. All SM's.

While I'm away

I'll write home everyday

And I'll send all my loving to you

"All My Loving", The Beatles

*~*~*

The darkened bar seems small despite the large space. An unknown band plays rock music from the stage and what seems like hundreds of people mill around the makeshift dance floor. Edward sits in a corner booth nursing a pint of dark ale and Tanya, his girlfriend, is near him as they talk loudly in an attempt to be heard over the loud guitar riffs.

"I don't see why you've got to go," she says honestly. "What could he offer you?"

Edward rolls his eyes as he shoves a hand through his hair. "Lookit, you couldn't possibly understand, Tanya. You've known your Mum and Dad your whole life. I've never met the man and I'm just … curious."

She shakes her head and her strawberry blonde hair cascades over her shoulders. "So you're going to go to America on the off chance that you'll actually find him?" Her eyebrows are raised in incredulity.

Edward throws a few pounds on the table for tip and stands up, taking Tanya's hand in his as he does so. They walk out of the bar and onto the darkened Liverpool streets in the direction of her house.

"What if you don't find him?" she asks. "What if you go all the way to America and he's not there or dead or something equally as terrible?"

He squeezes her hand. Edward knows that she won't be able to understand this compulsion he feels to find his father. It seems strange, even to him, because the man had done nothing but come to England while in the Army, shag his mum and then return to America, completely unaware that he'd left a son in his wake.

The desire that Edward felt to go to the States was stronger than anything he'd ever felt. He wondered if there wasn't some other reason he felt the draw, but he kept that to himself.

What if his real life was waiting there?

He sighs and swings Tanya's hand back and forth as they walk, quickly covering the ten or so blocks between the bar and her house. "If I can't find him, I'll come home," he replies. "It's as simple as that."

She sighs quietly. "When are you leaving?"

He clears his throat.

"Tomorrow," he says.

"Tomorrow!?" she nearly yells. "You bloody bastard! Were you even planning on telling me goodbye, then?"

"Bastard? Really, Tanya?" Remorse plays on her features as she realizes the connotation that word could actually have for him and he grins at her, stopping alongside her house. He is only joking. She leans back against the brick wall they are walking along and her shoulders fall.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I'll miss you. That's all, really."

Edward smiles and runs his finger along her cheekbone. He and Tanya have been dating for a year and a half, and as much as he likes her, he knows that their relationship is not enough to sway him. "I'll miss you, too," he says quietly. "And I'll be back before you know it. Promise me you won't start up with that tosser James while I'm gone, yeah?"

She snorts. "James is a right git. That would never happen."

Edward takes a deep breath and leans forward, grazing his nose along her neck before kissing her gently. His lips move up in some semblance of a line until they reach Tanya's plump mouth. They kiss for an indeterminate amount of time, and by the time her hands are knotted into his hair and she is breathless, he remembers that they are outside and that their behavior is probably less than appropriate.

"Ah, Tanya," he says, his voice faltering.

"I know, I know. I'll be going inside now," she replies.

He nods and wraps his arms around her for a moment, savoring the feeling of her tall frame so close to his. Her strawberry blonde hair smells clean and crisp despite the smoky club they've just left and he works to remember the scent exactly as it is. "I really will miss you," he admits. And he believes that he will.

She nods against his chest and sniffs. "Goodbye," she says. "I love you."

Edward watches her walk inside and then turns over his shoulder, feeling only a slight tug at his heart.

He did not say "I love you" back because he doesn't.

In honesty, Edward has never been in love; he's sure he doesn't know what it is like, and he believes that if one is in love they would definitely know it. He wants the kind of relationship in which he cannot stand to be away from her, where she becomes his everything.

He wants the kind of love story people have been singing about for years and years and he doesn't care if it is effeminate for him to admit it.

Edward hums as he walks across Tanya's neighborhood, smiling at the thought of sitting down for a late night drink or meal with his mother. No matter how often he asks her not to wait up for him, she always does.

He loves her for it.

Elizabeth Masen is, without a doubt, the strongest woman he's ever known; the only thing Edward inherited from his father was his first name. Every day, Elizabeth works long hours to keep up the house they live in, and she does sewing work on the side to make extra money. Edward works at the shipyards and all of his money goes to helping his mum, aside from an amount equal to a few pints a week.

He steps into the house and the scent of a baking bread overwhelms him. "Ma! I told you not to wait up!" he calls out, but Elizabeth only pokes her head around the corner and smiles.

"Since when have I listened to you, son?" she asks.

Edward takes a seat at the table and she hands him a plate on which there is slice of homemade, freshly baked bread, slathered in butter, and then slides a glass of ice cold milk across the table at him. "You don't think I'd let your last night at home pass by without some home cooked food now, do you?" his mother asks.

"No, I suppose not."

"Have you packed yet, Edward?" she asks. He knows his mother supports his decision to try to find his father, but worries nonetheless.

"Not yet. I won't need much, though I do have something for you," he announces. "I'll be right back."

Elizabeth Masen waits at the table as she listens to her son run up the stairwell to his room. Before she knows it, he is back in the kitchen and holding a cigar box in front of her. "It's all the money I've saved since I started working at the yard, Mum," he begins. "I only need to take a few hundred. I'll transfer it into dollars once I get there, but I want you to have this in case I'm gone longer than I anticipate."

Her hands grasp at her throat as she leaps from the table, and then she hugs her son tightly. "Oh, Edward. I'll miss you so."

He fights against the tears as they both sit back down to enjoy their last meal together for a little while. Once the food is gone and he says goodnight, he retreats to his room to pack the few belongings he has. The night ekes by and when the sun begins to rise, Edward is still awake and lying in bed, wondering what America has in store for him.

*~*~*

Edward boards the ship and stands on the dock watching as his home slowly fades from sight. Liverpool is all he's ever known; he's only ever traveled to London a handful of times, and so this trip to America is one he is, all at once, excited and anxious about.

The preliminary research he has performed regarding his father states that he is in New Jersey, working at Princeton University. Edward has grandiose ideas of his father as a professor. He wonders if he will look at all like the picture he has stowed in his wallet, the only one his mother ever took with him.

He thinks back to his conversation with Tanya. She really cannot understand; her family is nearly idyllic - mother, father, two daughters, a lovely house and two cars.

Edward vacillates between intrigue and hatred for his father.

His intrigue stems from the fact that he has literally never known the man. He only knows what he looked like twenty-two years ago because his mother always kept a photo framed in her room, though Edward never fully understood why - the photo is from the day before he left her, after all. He wants to know the most inane things. He wonders if the man likes sugar in his coffee. Does he have any particular religious affiliation? Is he afraid of anything? What is his biggest regret?

There are so many unanswered questions, but Edward's real purpose in finding the man who donated half of his genetic make up is simple: he only wants him to know that he exists.

Hatred is a strong word; Elizabeth would never approve of its use. But Edward does not know another word for his feelings.

To know that a man wooed his mother only to get her pregnant and then leave her is infuriating. He can clearly remember the struggles he and his mother had when he was growing up - money shortages at the most inopportune times; illness and no way to pay for a trip to the doctor; no one to come with Edward to father-centric events at school. But worst of all was his mother's loneliness. As of late she has been seeing a man casually and Edward approves, but for much of his life, he watched her go to bed alone and live a largely solitary existence, aside from the considerable amount of time she spent with him.

Adding insult to injury, there is the fact that this man not only loved and left, but never called again. Does he really believe that there was no possibility of my existence? Edward thinks this often, and the bitterness that seethes internally is nearly encompassing.

Edward considers his reasoning for meeting the man who was, for all intents and purposes, a sperm donor. He simply wants this man to know of him, so that he is in the back of the man's mind for the rest of his life. Edward has seen the few pictures his mother keeps in her things. He resembled his father but had his mother's bronze hair and green eyes.

And despite all of that, there would be no mistaking him as Edward Sr.'s son.

Edward walks backward and takes a seat on a bench that is somewhat hidden away. He is surrounded by ocean, sky and the surprisingly quiet sloshing of the waves against the side of the boat as he pulls his legs into his chest and closes his eyes, attempting to relax in what he is sure the calm before the storm.

*~*~*

Mike,

I miss you and hope this letter finds you safe and sound.

Life in Hartford is par for the course. Homecoming tickets just went on sale and I thought of you. I had lunch with your mom last weekend. She is so worried about you. For her sake and mine, I hope you are granted a furlough before you ship out to Vietnam. Are you adjusting well to Military life? I certainly hope so.

Other than that, Jasper has just confirmed that he'll be visiting home for Thanksgiving. I talk to him often and I know he's itching for a change. I wonder what that will mean for him, and I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for. I think I'd like to visit him at Princeton. Can you imagine - I'll be starting college myself next fall! Also, Angela and Ben are finally dating! He asked her to the dance and then admitted that he'd been interested in her for months. I'll probably spend the dance with them, since they are the only couple with whom I don't feel like a third wheel.

Have you made friends there? Anyone from Connecticut?

Mama says hello, and Father sends his love.

Bella

Mike has been gone for two months. Bella has received four letters, and she has written nine. Every time she does, she wonders if Mike can see what she really thinks.

I don't love you.

I never have.

I feel as though I owe you my love, but I can't make myself feel something that does not exist.

Your 'patriotic duty' is a joke to me; I can't agree with your enlistment…

Or our presence in Vietnam.

Or much else that you stand for, for that matter.

And when she remembers all of that, Bella feels low – like she has done Mike and herself a disservice in more ways than one.

She feels that he has wasted his time with her, a girl who cannot feel strongly for him. She feels that she has wasted her time with him because there is no depth to her feelings. Bella is frustrated because she's spent the last few years with Mike, pretending that she wants a future with him, that he is everything she wants and needs, but when she thinks honestly, she has never had the same life goals as him.

She's never really considered him a part of her future.

And now he's gone, and if she breaks things off while he's serving their country, how will that make her look?

Bella feels as though she is stuck between a rock and a hard place, and she cannot stand that she could be injuring Mike because of her previous inability to be honest about her feelings.

And so she continues her existence; class, volunteer, student council. Smile, wave, nod.

And through it all, she feels empty.