Chapter 30 – Identity

Sai Summers

Tuesday

"You need to keep eating, Sai."

Kid was looking frustrated as he sat with me in the infirmary between lectures. He was sitting on the edge on my left, and seemed at least more comfortable with the fact that I would likely never be symmetrical again. My eyesight had yet to return, but the marks in my eye were still prominent. I had replaced the ugly medical eye patch with a black band cut to fit my head, however.

We had been fighting a battle over my consumption of foodstuffs since the early morning.

I was finally back to eating normally, having been removed from the IV fluids a few hours earlier. Kid was pushing me to eat, but the oatmeal I had been given was closer to gruel than the fluffy cinnamon oatmeal I had been promised. My food choices were limited because Stein still had concerns about my ability to digest after having it shut down for three days.

On the metal stand and tray next to the bed, outside of the oatmeal – which was in a plain white bowl in my lap at the moment – was a gelatin-like substance that was green, and water. Stein refused to allow me to drink anything other than that, and not even that was of much interest. That meant getting out of bed for the bathroom, and moving around was still not particularly comfortable.

I set the white bowl on the tray, and it clanked. "Ugh. Hospital food."

Kid leaned across the bed with one clean movement, picked up the bowl, and handed to back to me. "Eat. You won't be strong enough to leave if you don't."

I took a moment, in irony, to digest the level of grace he expressed in his movements.

My brow furrowed at the oatmeal. "I can't eat it. It's too unappealing. Can we get the Professor to get me something else?"

And as one knows when you speak of the devil…

There was a knock at the door, and Stein stuck his head in, a cigarette at the edge of his lips. Kid and I both turned towards him. "How are you holding up, Sai?" Stein asked. He bent his head and the light reflected off of his glasses.

I returned the bowl to the tray once again, and I watched Kid's eyes narrow. "Can I get something else to eat?"

Stein opened the door wider and stepped into the room. To my surprise though, he didn't shut it behind him. He walked to the right side of the bed and stood at ease. "I'll see what I can do." He paused, removing the cigarette from his mouth to hold it in his hand. "Have you made any headway?"

I hung my head. "No. I still can't make a weapon form." I bit my lip. "Nothing comes out."

Stein replaced the cigarette in his mouth. "Show me."

I put out my right hand and concentrated on the weapon shapes I was familiar with. Things that I could produce in my hand without having to imagine the wooden and metallic details and patterns. I hadn't had to pay so much attention to the details of them since before I had studied with Justin.

Nothing. Even when I pushed my mind and soul into making something appear in my hand, I got nothing.

It was the third day in a row we had tried.

Stein, who had been watching intently, suddenly directed his attention to the adjoining room. "Hold on a second, I'm going to fetch a chair." He wandered into nurses' office, likely in search of the rolling desk chair he had grown found of.

While my wounds were healing unnaturally fast now, the abilities I had grown accustomed to were not functional. Yes, I had gained the ability to shift into Scythe-like Weapon form without having to enter the body of a Meister, but I seemed to now lack the ability to produce my own weapon from my body.

Am I just a Regular Weapon now? Has Kid's blood removed my Independent abilities?

Despite my agitation at the way Independent Weapons were seen, and the problems I had experienced in Iceland, I wasn't ready to abruptly give up being "special."

I wrapped my arms around my waist and wounds, and sniffed. The frustration was giving way to anger and a feeling of loss. Kid was growing used to seeing me agitated by the situation, and simply put his right hand on my left shoulder.

He was still cold. I had been several days and I had no answer to as why. Kid either didn't have an explanation, or he was reluctant to give one. Considering I assumed he found me to be in a precarious mental state, either one was a possibility.

I looked at him, worrying more about him worrying about me, than myself. "I'll be fine. It's not like I'm not still a Weapon or anything, right?"

Stein returned, pushing the chair. He flipped the front of the chair towards him and sat on it backwards. "I am concerned you're focusing on the wrong objects. " He scooted the chair a few feet towards the bed. "So we're going to try a few things."

Kid eyed him in what I assumed to be suspicion. "What do you mean 'try a few things'? Sai's making an effort to produce whatever she can."

Stein bowed his head slightly. "I'm aware she's trying. But she may not be able to produce the same weapons she did before. They could be completely different at this point. Look at the changes so far."

I looked at Kid, trying to be optimistic. "He has a point. It may just be that the weapons I can create are not the same. My main Weapon form has changed to what's more typical for my family. Like you said, in a family of scythes, another scythe shouldn't be unexpected. It's the norm, not the outlying ability."

There was a knock on the door frame of the door leading to the hall.

It was Justin in his usual priestly garb. "Actually, that was far more my point." His voice was either slightly snotty to my ears, or I was just annoyed with his presence already. Either, or was acceptable reasoning for me at the moment. He entered the room, shut the door behind him, and went to stand at Stein's right.

I sighed. "What's Justin doing here?"

Stein shifted in his seat. "I want to see if you still retain any of your Meister abilities. If you can still use Justin, it's likely a sign you still have other skills."

Kid stood up and rested his hands in his pants pockets. He didn't seem to be comfortable in Justin's presence, however, and looked obviously tense. "Do you believe that if she's able to be both a Meister and Weapon, she can eventually produce her own weapons again?"

Stein nodded. "That's the theory I'm betting on at the moment."

I was pretty sure I wasn't going to win the battle against Stein in having to interact with Justin. "Fine. Let's just try." I put out my right hand waiting for him to appear in his Weapon form.

Justin shut his eyes, and his physical form shifted out of existence. He was replaced by a white light. The white light filled in the space in my hand, and a pump-action shotgun appeared in my hand. The barrel was reflective, metalic silver, while the handle and pumping mechanisms were done in white ivory.

"Any problems?" Asked Stein. He seemed anxious to know my immediate response.

I examined the gun for anything abnormal or for any adverse reaction coming from Justin's end. "Nothing out of the ordinary. No added weight, no feeling of rejection…outside of the usual annoyance I have for him."

Stein chuckled. "That doesn't count."

I looked up at Kid, who was slightly wide-eyed. "You have Gun Meister abilities?" He asked, trying to examine the shotgun without having to come into contact with Justin.

I held it out for him to see. "Kind of. I have the ability to use Justin's Weapon form, but he has never had the ability to use mine. And I have yet to use any other Gun Weapons."

"Hmm." Was Kid's only response. His expression was dark, though. I assumed he was thinking less pleasant thoughts that he kept to himself.

I know he's upset, but there's not much I can do about the past.

"Are we done?" Asked Justin, his voice ringing in my ears.

I nodded. "Yeah, we're good."

The shotgun disappeared from my hand, and Justin reappeared next to Stein with the same white flash as before.

Stein turned to him, and the chair squeaked. "Did you notice anything unusual?"

Justin straightened his robe. "Outside of the fact that she didn't have to release her other abilities to make it work, no. No sign of rejection."

"Good." Stein climbed off of the chair and pushed it to the wall behind him. "I need to speak with Shinigami-sama and let him know. Why don't you join me, Justin?"

I noticed Stein make eye contact with Kid, even though he was addressing Justin.

"That's fine." Was his simple response. Justin either noticed Stein's actions and didn't care, or was oblivious. "I should check in anyway, he wants an update on the most recent assignment I was given." Justin walked over and opened the door, holding it open.

Stein now stood at the door way, and turned back to look at me. "I will be back later today to check on you. Get some rest."

I nodded. "I will. Thanks."

Stein exited first, and Justin closed the door behind them.

Now came the tough part. Dealing with whatever I was going to get from Kid, possibly regarding Justin.

He was standing with his hands in his pockets at the medicine cabinet he had meticulously organized the other day. He didn't appear to be actually looking at the objects within in, as I could see his gaze in the reflection. And considering that none of the bottles appeared to have been moved, there didn't see to be anything he needed to do to it. Both sides had bottles that matched one another – down to the type of meds they had in them. Normally someone would have tried to get him to stop him when he had the desire to do it, but even the Thompson sisters made no effort to deter him. Maybe we all thought it was better to allow Kid to keep himself busy. Made him stay a little more sane that way, even if it was actually compulsion he was manifesting.

I watched him for another moment, but there was silence.

"Kid…what's wrong?" I asked softly.

He raised his head slowly, and I could see him looking at me. "I'm the one responsible for this. You have this stress and these problems because of me." His voiced lacked expression.

That immediately agitated me. "I'm alive because of you."

He walked to the side of the bed with only a few fluid steps. "I keep thinking there must be an answer to why you've changed, but I'm apt to say the answer's not in a book in the library." He removed his hands from his pockets and sat down on the edge of the bed, but he didn't make eye contact. He was staring across the room to my left, and slightly down.

I scooted forward on the bed, moving more towards him. "What is it, Kid? I can tell you're thinking about something."

His voice was both quiet and questioning. "Did infusing you with the Shinigami blood change you for the better or worse?"

My brow wrinkled. "Kid…that's not a question I can answer."

He turned towards me and his expression was once again dark. "So the answer is worse, I take it." His voice was flat, expressionless.'

I didn't care what he assumed the answer to be. I ignored his comment.

I put my left hand on his right cheek, ignoring his statement. "Why are you cold?"

He lowered his eyes, and his voice was quiet. "It takes the Shinigami longer to replace the blood they lose. It takes two or three times as long as a normal human. So I have a lower blood pressure, and what blood I have pulls itself away from the surface to maintain my organs. I'll be cold a few more days, and then I'll start to warm up gradually. Another week or two and I'll be back to normal. But…"

I put my hand down, and let it rest on his hands, which he held in his lap. "But what?" I asked calmly.

His golden eyes met mine. "You won't go back to the way you were before."

I squeezed his left hand, which was on top of the pair. "We don't know that, Kid."

Kid's expression made me realize this was certainly what he had been dwelling on. He shut his eyes. "You can't. You can't go back. The Shinigami blood is like a poison to humans. It damages them, changes them. You might not like…"

I let my hand fall to his shoulder. I didn't normally take this approach with him but I had to: "Kid, shut up." I told him.

He looked up at me, looking surprised at my words. I noticed a touch of sadness in his expression. "That was…somewhat…blatantly mean of you."

I inhaled with noise. "I said that because I want you to realize that I'm still me. I am still the me who likes you. No matter what abilities I have. And…well…" I was running out of deep, meaningful thoughts. "…we'll figure the rest of it out." I rested my head against his right shoulder, hoping this would kill the theme of the conversation.

But Kid wouldn't let the subject die. "What if you can no longer make your own weapon?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just drop the subject for the moment. I wanted a quiet moment with him, not one riddled with questions that had no answers. "Then…I'll pair up with another Meister or Weapon. I will…be like everyone else." I explained. Even though I didn't like the sound of it, I would say it for now.

I could hear his voice close to my ear. "You have the blood of the Shinigami in your system. You will never be like everyone else."