Chapter Twelve

Rachel

I lay in bed early that morning, unable to sleep. Charlie was still beside me, his bare chest peeping from under the thin sheets. The way he looked at me sometimes, it made me feel so invigorated, so wanted and alive. I couldn't explain how or why, but it just did.

For a while I just watched him, his light eyelashes fluttering every couple of seconds. He was probably dreaming. I'd noticed that sometimes he called out in his sleep, although I never quite understood who or what he was calling for. There was so much pain locked inside him, and it made me ache whenever I looked at him. Sometimes I could see the sorrow in his eyes, burning brightly, and I so wanted to take that away from him. Erase all his bad thoughts.

I loved him. Someone I'd never even known existed and I'd fallen in love with him. It made me think back to when I'd been in my last relationship, with Dean. Memory can be such a strange thing; I couldn't even remember quite clearly the first time I went out with him. All I remember was seeing him in my college lessons for a month or so before we eventually wound up talking.

Later on we began meeting up and going shopping or seeing films at the cinema. He grew into my best friend for a few months before we kissed, and even that, I couldn't quite recall. Maybe it had been the intensely painful break up that had blocked it all out; repression. The one memory I was able to easily recall about my four year relationship with Dean was silly really. It was one afternoon when my pet rat had died and he just held me, telling me everything was okay as I sobbed for my poor Daisy.

Charlie Prince was an entirely different creature all together. And that was what excited me so much about him. I couldn't imagine him embracing me over the death of a pet, doing the little things. But I could see him doing so many things that counted against all others. And if there was thing I'd learned about him, it was that he was always unpredictable. While his expression told me one story, the light in his eyes told me something entirely different. Then his behaviour would contradict everything I'd just seen in his face.

The first time I saw him raise his gun in my defence and that had made me see there was something right and just inside his soul. I couldn't deny that Charlie used to scare me…big time. I always felt as if he held my life in his hands, and he could easily put me down in one fell swoop. Now, I felt completely comfortable and protected with him.

I nudged myself against him and pressed my nose and lips to his neck. It made me smile, but I knew how he made me feel inside was something I'd never feel again. Gradually, Charlie moved a little and a sly grin spread across his face. He had such a boyish grin, so happy and content.

Teasing, I began kissing down his neck and onto his chest. I wanted to turn him on; I wanted him to want me again like he had the day before. "Maybe you shouldn't do that," Charlie half whimpered, but I just continued on, pressing him down gently with my hand. I was determined to take charge this time. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into here." I just giggled and carried on.

Charlie suddenly rose up forcefully, grabbing me tightly and pulling me down. It was like whirlwind, and before I knew it I was on my back looking up at him. Now that I'd tasted what it was like to be with Charlie, I wanted more, so much more. The adrenaline was pumping in me and I could feel my heart racing, my stomach fluttering and heat spreading everywhere inside me. His kiss was hot, demanding, and above all arousing beyond anything I'd felt.

The days I'd spent with him had made me see him so much clearly. I now saw him through plain glass, rather than it being frosted. He was ready to fight for me, protect me, and that made my love burn even deeper.

All I knew was that right now, in this time and place, I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay beside Charlie, be an outlaw if need be, and venture everywhere with him. Saying those words inside my head scared me. I'd fallen for a man who killed to get by and stole money. Talk about being non-judgmental. And I knew why I'd fallen in love; it was because he was dangerous. That thrill, oh, it was so electrifying. Knowing that a man would protect you against all odds and he's one of the most ruthless men alive? That really was something. But why was I so special to him?

I wanted to tell him I loved him, but how could I? I knew how outlaws were and it scared me to think that Charlie didn't feel the same way about me. Maybe he really was using me for his own gains and pleasures.

As we kissed, he touched me, lighting a trail of such intense sensations, and then he moaned my name. It was the first time he'd done it and something snapped inside me. I couldn't control myself and the words fell out, "I love you."

Charlie stopped a moment and looked at me. His eyes seemed to grow deep in thought, and I was sure I saw tears welling up in his sea green depths. "And ah love you," he whispered so quietly. It was barely audible.

I pulled away from him and sat up in bed, only wearing my underwear. "I know you don't feel the same way, and I'm sorry," I said, looking down at my feet on the rug. "I shouldn't have said anything."

And then before I realised exactly what I was doing, I began getting dressed frantically. I felt so stupid. My cheeks were bright red because I could feel them burning. Then suddenly I felt something grab my wrist and I looked up into Charlie's eyes. He studied me for a moment, his face straight. But I couldn't hold his gaze and looked away again.

"Look at me," he demanded, his voice firm and demanding.

I looked up slowly, my heart pounding. I could hear the blood rushing to my ears.

Then he spoke. "Ah'd never lie to you," he said simply. The tension between us was unbearable, but I endured it. "All that ah am, good and bad, is yours." I could sense from his expression that he was just as embarrassed as I was, but Charlie had always seemed to have much better defence mechanisms than me.

"Then let me stay with you," I begged.

"This isn't the life for you, Rachel!" he hissed. "Ah promised ah'd help you go home, and ah'm not gonna break that promise. You can be happy back home, have a good man who'll do more for you than ah ever could."

"But I don't want….." And before I could comprehend what was happening, tears fell down my cheeks.

"Whether you like it or not, ah'm seein' you go home," Charlie said again, more demanding this time. It made me angry, so much in fact that I pulled on the remainder of my clothes as quickly as possible.

"Leave me alone," I growled at him evilly, and shot to the door.

Then he grabbed my arm again, stopping me. "I said leave me!" I screamed, pushing him back with all my might. Sometimes my anger could come in destructive outbursts like this, most of my family knew about that. Why wouldn't he let me stay?

I knew I was being extremely impulsive and wanting to throw away my life for a man I'd only known about ten days. I'd be leaving all my family behind in a different world; they'd never know what happened to me.

To my surprise, Charlie did as I instructed and left me alone. My arms wrapped around myself, I walked down the steps of the saloon and out the front door, ignoring the jeering from local regulars. Their taunting became a blur somewhere in the back of my mind. All I could focus on was the heartbreaking grief I was feeling. I was completely torn. Charlie only wanted what was best for me, and I realised that, thanking him from the bottom of my heart for such devotion and kind incentive.

The afternoon previously had made me feel so much more connected to him. I'd allowed him intimate access to my body, of which only one other man had ever been given. But that passion made my head spin. It was pushing me to want to stay with him. Unlike the man before, he made me feel good about myself.

I trudged up the main dusty street, keeping my head low as the sun burned the back of my head through my hair. Set back from all other buildings was a small chapel. On the roof was a simple wooden cross, symbolising its purpose and message. I'd never been a devout follower of a particular faith, but I'd always tried to believe in something more than myself and everyone I knew.

I opened the heavy door, listening to it creak. Echoes resounded around the seemingly empty building. Shafts of light illuminated the aisle. I glanced around, noting that the windows weren't stained glass like the churches back home. The building was very simple in its design. Pews were rowed from the back to the front before the alter which was merely a wooden cross on a table covered in white cloth.

A church in an old run down town? It seemed so out of place and strange to me. My boots thumped hard against the wooden flooring, alerting a man who I then noticed standing behind the alter. He was obviously the priest of this particular church where people would congregate every Sunday morning.

"Can ah help you?" he asked in a deep tone, his accent quite thick. He was only a young man, looking not much older than Charlie. He had thick curly brown hair and thin stubble on his cheeks and chin. With a smile he sat down on the front pew and looked at me with bright blue eyes.

On the cross at the front, I stared at the carving of Jesus and sighed. My hands curled around the edges of my shirt and my heart beat faster. "D…do you think everything happens for a reason?" I asked, stuttering a little.

"Of course. We all receive help from the Lord who helps us along in our destiny," he replied softly. "Is there a reason why you ask, Miss? Nothing will go any further than this building. Ah can assure you of that."

Feeling like piece of furniture which was out of place, I sat down next to the priest. "I…um, fell in love with a man recently…" I began, feeling so ridiculous. I was blushing again. Damn my confidence, or lack of.

"Mmhmm."

"Well, I know that he's not the best man for me, but he doesn't want me to live the same life he does. He thinks I'm safer with my family. I don't know what to do about any of it."

"That is tough," he said, clasping his hands together and moving forward a little in his seat.

"And I feel like meeting him was meant to happen."

"Perhaps, yes. Ah know our hearts can lean towards those who aren't the most righteous of men. But to me, he seems as though he genuinely wants what's best for you, and that's something you don't find often. Ah wish ah could sit here and tell you what to do. Believe me, ah've seen a lot of faces who need that guidance in their lives."

I couldn't help but sigh. Why did life have to be so bloody complicated? "There's no way I can get back home, but he's promised he'll take me back there. I don't want to go." A lump rose in my throat and I pushed it down hard, but it hurt. "He's all I have."

The priest only smiled. "Maybe, as you think, you and he really were meant to be. If a way home is meant to be given to you, it will be. God will make sure you're safe and take you home, wherever that home is destined to be."

Suddenly the door to the chapel opened and a familiar figure walked in. Ben Wade. A light gust of wind hit me, giving me goose bumps. I rose from the pew and looked at him, wide eyed. I swallowed hard and stepped back a little, feeling fright take hold.

"Hey, Rachel," he said, giving me a smile. "Father." And with that he lowered his head. I watched in disbelief as he got to his knees, drawing the cross on his chest and sat in prayer for a few short minutes. I was pretty sure he had a lot to confess.

The priest looked just as gobsmacked as me. Did he know of Ben Wade? Around here everyone seemed to; he was one of the most dangerous men alive.

As Wade got up, I spoke. "Charlie's waiting for you."