A/N: Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't updated in a while! But i'm going to be able to work on this story more often so you shouldn't have to wait too long for new chapters!
Diclaimer: -sigh- I still own nuthin' . . .
The Temple of the Monkeys
Link steps inside the temple and is immediately attacked by a random keese. He fights off the monster and comes into a long chamber. He spots the monkey trapped in a cage at the far end and notices she is being guarded by a bokoblin.
Link: What the hell?! How many times can you get freakin' captured?! God damn it!
Link angrily stomps over to the cage and kills the bokiblin.
Link: You know, maybe I shouldn't even let you out. You'd probably just get captured again. Hey Midna, you know your way around this place, right?
Midna: (pops out of Link's shadow) If you want to find your way around this temple, you're better off asking a monkey, not me. Oh . . . but she can't speak to you because you're a human! How . . . unfortunate! Eee-hee! (goes back into Link's shadow)
Link: You are so negative Midna! You know that?! You're not doing anything to help my self-esteem! (starts sobbing dramatically)
Midna: Oh, shut up, dog boy! Just free that monkey and get going!
Link: Okie-dokie!
Link breaks open the cage and the monkey dances around for a minute and them climbs up the random vines. She stops at the top and beckons Link to follow. Link grabs onto the vines and starts to climb.
***
Thirty minutes later . . .
Midna: OH MY GODDESSES LINK! CAN YOU GO ANY SLOWER?!
Link: (three fourths of the way up the vines) Actually, I can. Would you like to see?
Midna: NO! (picks Link up with her hair and chucks him at the door)
Link: Okay, little monkey, let's go!
Monkey: (lying on the ground, asleep)
Link: HEY UGLY, WAKE UP!
The monkey jumps up and then glares at Link for calling her ugly.
Monkey: My name is Flower!
What Link hears: Ooh ooh ah!
Link: Um, no, I don't have any cheese . . . can you just show me the way now?
Midna: I think she's trying to tell you her name.
Link: You can speak monkey too?! Sweet! Okay, guess what I'm saying: Ooh ah ee ooh!
Midna: You just said 'I fatso chicken.'
Link: -gasp- How DARE you?! Why I oughtta- (monkey pulls on the bottom of his tunic) WHAT?!
The monkey points to the ground where she has written her name.
Link: (reading) Fl . . . flo . . . fol . . . Catherine? Your name is Catherine?! What a stupid name for a monkey!
Midna: Um, Link? I think that says Flower . . .
Link: What are you talking about?! Look, its right there! K-a-q-u-r-e-c! That spells Catherine! Are you stupid or something?!
Midna: Uh Link, I have to ask you something . . . can you read?
Link: Of course I can read!
Midna: Okay, then how does the alphabet go? Can you at least tell me that?
Link: Sure! It goes like this: a-b-11-q-21-pie-truck-grapefriut-x . . .
Midna: (mutters) Great. I got stuck with the biggest idiot on the planet . . .
Link: Anyways, it would take me too long to say all 156 letters in the albaphet, so let's just get going. Hey Catherine, can I call you Kat? Ha ha! That's funny! I'll call you Kat, but you're a monkey! Bwahaha! Ah, good times . . . good times . . .
Midna: Okay, Link? Did you take your medicine this morning?
Link: Aw, medicine's for sissies! And I'm not a sissy coward!
Midna: I didn't say you were . . .
Link: Okay Kat, lead the way!
The monkey leads Link into another room where a giant spider comes down from the ceiling and lands in front of Link.
Link: (screaming like a little girl) AHHHH! KILL IT! SOMEBODY KILL IT!
Midna: Why don't you kill it?! You're the one with the sword!
Link: Oh yeah . . .
He runs up to the spider and gets ready to stab it but they both stop when they hear a bell ring.
Spider: Oh yay, it's time for my lunch break! Oh well, I guess you'll have to go find some other giant monster to fight. (starts crawling away)
Link: Wait-what?!
Spider: I've been waiting here since four in the morning for you guys to come! It's time for my lunch break. Bye! (scurries away)
Link: Okay . . .
Link follows Kat as she leads him to another door. He lights the torches and goes up the stairs and finds the dungeon map. He takes it and goes through the door. They come outside and Kat starts to run across the bridge. Just then, a monkey with a big butt comes out of another door and breaks the ropes holding the bridge up, making it collapse with Kat still on it.
Link –gasp- You killed Kat! You &*#%*!
Ook: But, her name is Flower . . .
Link: FIEND! YOU SHALL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!
Link starts running towards Ook but Midna grabs his collar with her hair before he goes over the edge of the cliff. Ook slaps his butt and leaves. Link goes over to the door and starts to cry but he stops when Kat climbs back up the bridge.
Link: Oh Kat, you're alive! (picks her up and hugs her)
Midna: Wow, I didn't know you cared that much about her . . .
Link: I don't. I just know that if she's dead, we'll never be able to find a way out of here.
Midna slaps her palm to her forehead and they go back inside. Kat runs over to another part of the platform and helps Link jump across. They enter yet another door and Link kills a bombling and blows up a random rock. He enters the room after Midna yells at him that he's going to make the whole temple cave in and he picks up a pot. All of a sudden it cracks and a thing falls out.
Thing: Good gracious me! Thank you for saving me young man!
Link: OH MY GAWD! Are those . . . are those boobs?!
Thing: Yes, they are boobs, and-
Link: Good lord, what is it with creepy naked things?! Do I attract them or something?! Oh no- what if I have a creepy naked thing attracting magnet inside of me?! Noooo! When will the torment end?!
Thing: Um, anyways . . . my name's Ooccoo! I can help you warp out of here if you want to! Please take me with you!
Link: No!
Ooccoo: Oh happy day! (jumps into Link's pocket)
Link: OH GODDESSES, SHE'S IN MY CLOTHES! AH, GET IT OUT!
Midna: Link, calm down!
Link: IT'S MOVING!
Ooccoo: (jumps out of Link's pocket) My, is it stuffy in there! You know what? I think I'll just fly along behind you and talk to you about my personal problems until you find a way out of here!
Link: NOOOO! (grabs a shovel and knocks Ooccoo out)
Midna: Link, where did you get the shovel?! Give it here!
She holds out her hand and Link reluctantly tries to place the shovel in it, but it goes right through her. Link laughs and puts the shovel back into his enormous pocket.
Link: Midna, you're so mean! Ciela let me have a shovel!
Midna: Who's Ciela?
Link: Well one time when I was little I had this dream where I was a pirate on a pirate ship and it was really weird because I was wearing the same outfit I am now but anyways this girl Tetra was the captain but she was really Zelda and then she was being stupid and got captured so I had to go on this adventure where I met this fairy named Ciela who sort of reminded me of this other fairy sometimes but let's not get into that now so anyway I went on this adventure and then at the end everyone was all happy and then I woke up and I ran outside to tell everyone about my adventure but then they all said it was a dream but then I found a shovel inside my house and I realized that it must have been a present from Ciela and then I remembered the Rusl had let me use his shovel the day before but I still thought it was a present so I just kept it and the end.
Midna: (eye twitches) You're really insane, you know that, right?
Link: Strawberry! Okay, let's go!
They go through the temple and eventually Link has to save Kat's brother. He does this and then the second monkey helps him get across another part of the platform. Link enters a room with a lot of random monsters. He walks up a ramp and tries to jump across but a big plat eats him.
Plant: (chews on Link and then spits him out) Ech! I hate Hylian!
Link: EEEWWW! Midna, did you see that?! I just got eaten!
Midna, Yes, but you got spit out. Now keep going!
Link sticks out his tongue and receives a slap on the head. He figures the plant won't try to eat him again since it thinks he tastes bad, so he jumps over the platform again. The plant eats him and then spits him out again.
Link: Aw, what the hell?! I thought you said you didn't like Hylian! Why did you try to eat me again?!
Plant: Sorry, force of habit!
Link glares at the plant and then feeds it a bomb. It dies.
Link: HA HA! TAKE THAT SUCKER!
Midna: Link, please stop talking to dead things . . .
Link: But, haven't I been talking to dead things since I met you? Aren't you dead?
Midna: No I'm not dead, you cucco!
Link: Oh . . .
Midna: What the hell is your problem?!
Link: HNGRAAR! (runs into a wall and falls over)
Midna: Whoa . . . okay, I'm just gonna leave now . . . (flies through the door)
Link: (stands up) Midna? Midna?! Oh goddesses, she's gone! Noooo! Wait- I mean yay!
Link blows up a rock and goes into a room with I giant plant. He is about to grab a key that is lying on the ground, but the plant eats it.
Link: Whoa, that's a big plant . . .
Midna: Just hurry up already!
Link: Hey, I thought you left!
Midna: Yeah, well, it was either your shadow or the monkey's. Now get going!
Link: Well fine then!
He runs over and pokes the plant and it explodes. He takes the key and frees another monkey. He goes through some more rooms until he has enough monkeys to cross the broken bridge. He goes into the room at the other side and sees Ook standing on a pillar.
Ook: You're goin' down!
Link: I don't know what you just said, but bring it on anyways!
Ook knocks down some plants from the ceiling that try to eat Link.
Link: Why does everything want to eat me?!
Midna: Because your scent is like a drug to me.
Link: What the-
Midna: Oops, sorry! Wrong script! Um . . . continue on!
Link: Alrighty then . . .
Link kills the plants and then rolls into the pillar the Ook is standing on. He gets hit by his own boomerang and falls over with his butt in the air.
Link: (covering his eyes) Aw, dude, put some pants on man! Geez, what is it with these naked people?! (pokes the monkey's butt)
Ook: AW, MY ASS! GOD DAMN IT! (jumps back onto a pillar)
This process continues on for a few minutes until Ook had finally has had enough and runs into a poll. A bug falls off of him and dies. Ook stands up and then runs screaming like a little girl when he sees Link, leaving the boomerang behind. Link picks it up.
Boomerang: I am the Fairy of Winds who resides in this boomerang. You have freed me, so now you may use my power!
Link: Whoa, did you just talk?!
Boomerang: . . .
Link: Um, hello?
Boomerang: . . .
Link: Huh, must be defective.
He throws it and starts walking, but it comes back, smacks him in the head, and knocks him out. Midna comes up and drags Link out of the room and out into the open, where he wakes up.
Link: Hey, how come you can grab me with your hair, but not with your hands?
Midna: I don't really know . . . my hair is the only thing that seems solid in the light . . .
Link: Weird . . .
They go through so many more rooms that it would be too boring to write about. In fact, Link got so bored at one point that he actually fell asleep. Midna had to wake him up so he wouldn't get smothered by the monkeys jumping on him.
Link: (wakes up and sees eight monkeys jumping on him) Oh my god! Get 'em off!
Midna: Link, calm down . . .
Link: THEY'RE TOUCHING ME INAPPROPRIATELY!
Midna: They just want you to get up!
Link: I'LL SUE! MIDNA, CALL A LAWYER!
Midna: Link, they got off you already!
Link: (looks up to see the monkeys have formed a rope that he can swing from) Oh. Yay, I get to swing! WOOHOO! (tries to jump to the monkeys but misses and fall into the bottomless pit)
Midna: Dammit, not again!
Link: (magically appears behind her) Hello!
Midna: Ah! How the hell do you keep doing that?!
Link: Um . . . I dunno. Anyways, time to swing again!
He jumps and actually times it right and makes it safely to the other side. He bows as the monkeys clap for him and then he sees some pots. He breaks open one and a blue fairy comes out.
Fairy: HEY, you LOOK sort of familiar! HEY, LISTEN! Do you hear something behind that door? Wow, LOOK how big that door is! HEY, can I tell you something?! LISTEN!
Link: OH MY GAWD! IT'S YOU!
Fairy: HEY, LOOK! HEY, LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY!
Link: AHHHH! (runs with such force that he crashes through the door without using the key, which is a good thing because he forgot to get it anyway)
Fairy: Whoa, that was weird. (follows Link through the door)
Link comes out in a large round chamber. Two giant plant heads come out of the water. Link uses his boomerang to feed bombs to the plant, not noticing the blue fairy hovering a few feet behind him. The plant goes back underwater.
Link: Well, that was lame.
Just then, the monster comes back out of the water and roars at Link.
Link: Whoa, step back! You need a tic tac! Not a tick, not a tac, but the whole damn pack!
Midna: Um, do you even know what a tic tac is?
Link: Not a clue.
Midna: I thought so.
Fairy: HEY, I know what a tic tac is! Whoa, LOOK at the size of that thing! HEY, WATCH OUT!
Link: AHHH! She's back!
Midna: Who the freak is she?!
Link: Remember how I told you I had that dream when I was little? Well, I had another dream sort of like that, but not really. I don't remember it that well because it was overshadowed by HER! (points at the fairy)
Fairy: (looking innocent) Who, me?
Link: YES YOU!
Midna: What is her name?!
Link: (glares at the fairy) Navi.
Navi: HEY, LISTEN to you! You do remember my name! Yay!
Monster: Um, hello? Is anyone going to fight me or can I go back to my nap?
Link: (thinks for a minute and smiles evilly) Hey, Navi, why don't you go talk to that nice monster over there?
Navi: (looks at monster) He doesn't seem very nice . . .
Link: Sure he is! Just go have a little chat with him!
Navi: Okay! (flies over to the monster) HEY, LISTEN! LOOK at that big tree behind you! HEY, I saw a tree once! LISTEN! HEY! LOOK! HEY! HEY! HEY!
Monster: AHHH! MY EARS! (explodes)
Link: Dammit! It didn't eat her! Frig! (a fused shadow forms in his hands) What the hell is this?! (throws it)
Midna: LINK! (catches the fused shadow and puts it away) That was called a fused shadow, by the way. That's what I've been looking for!
Link: (sneaking up on Navi with a bottle in his hands) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (catches Navi in the bottle) YES! VICTORY IS MINE!
Midna: Um, are you sure you want to carry her around with you?
Link: As long as she's in the bottle, it's okay.
Midna: But what if you accidentally let her out?
Link: Oh my god, will you SHUT UP! It will be fine!
Midna: (glares at him) Fine, suit yourself! Just grab the heart container that fell out of that thing and let's go! (floats over and makes a warp portal)
Link: (grabs the heart container and strange music plays) The hell was that?!
Midna: I have no idea . . .
Link walks over to Midna and she warps them out of the temple. They appear at Faron Spring . . .