A/N: Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry to keep you guys waiting for this chapter! (I realized i haven't updated it for at least a month!)
Midna: The author got a new video game . . .
Author: Hush, Midna! Yes, I got a new game, but that's not the only reason I haven't updated! Just to make it up to you guys, I made this chapter extra long! (14 pages on word!) Now, onto the disclaimer-
Link: (comes skipping into the room) La la la la rainbows, la la la la la buttercups!
Midna: Shut the hell up, dog boy! (picks up a dvd and throws it at his head)
Author: No Midna, not that dvd! It's-
Link: TWILIGHT?! AIEEEEEEE! (runs screaming out of the house)
Author: . . . you did that on purpose, didn't you?
Midna: Maybe . . .
Disclaimer: I don't own anything mentioned in this chapter.
Author: Read and enjoy!
Crap! More bugs!
Link starts growling as three Twilit Messengers fall from the sky.
Twilit Messenger #1: (falls and lands on his head) Ow! Damn it! Okay, do any of you guys see Fred around here?
Twilit Messenger #2: Nope.
Twilit Messenger #3: Nuh-uh.
TM#1: Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere. Keep looking! (sees Link growling at him) Hey, you're that dog from earlier! Have you seen Fred since we left?
Link: No, I-
Midna: He killed him.
TM#1: WHAT?!
Link: MIDNA!
Midna: (giggles)
TM#1: What the hell did you do that for?! What did he ever do to you?!
Link: He was gonna kill me!
TM#1: Yeah, but did he actually kill you?!
Link: Yeah, that's why I'm standing here talking to you. Dumbass . . .
TM#2: Oh my god, it's a ghost! We gotta run!
TM#3: I'm calln' TAPS! (takes out his cell phone)
Midna: Hey, cell phones haven't even been invented yet!
TM#3: (cell phone disappears in a puff of smoke) AH! Now what are we gonna do?!
TM#2: I don't know about you guys, but I'm gettin' the hell outta here! (gets sucked back into the portal)
TM#3: Yo, wait up! (gets sucked back into the portal)
TM#1: You haven't seen the last of me! I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! (gets sucked back into the portal)
Midna: What the hell is wrong with these guys?!
Link: They must be blind . . .
Midna: Why do you say that?
Link: 'Cause they called you pretty. (screams and puts his paws over his head when Midna snarls at him) AH! Jk! Jk! Jk!
Midna: (stops as she is about to smack Link) How did you learn IM talk so fast?!
Link: Uh, Idk.
Link screams as Midna wrenches his paws away from his head and pulls on his ears. They stop when they see a light coming from the spring.
Link: (walks over to the spring) Oh little light spirit . . . come out, come out, wherever you are . . .
Spirit: (appears) Stop talking like that! You sound like some sort of stalker!
Link: I'm not the stalker! Midna is!
Midna: No I'm not! . . . Well, not anymore . . .
Link: . . . GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK! (starts spinning around in circles)
Midna: AUGH! STOP IT!
Link: Whee! You spin my head right 'round, right 'round, when you go down, when you go down, down!
Spirit: Both of you KNOCK IT OFF! (Link stops spinning and Midna stops screaming at him) Okay, now that that's all settled, here's the Vessel of Light. Collect all the bugs and meet me back here at 0500 hours!
Link: But-
Spirit: MARCH, RECRUIT!
Link: YES, SIR!
Link marches over to a hut as Midna rolls her eyes at him. He stops when he comes to a tree.
Midna: (floats onto a tree branch) Okay, Link, I'll help you get onto the roof.
Link: Are you sure it's safe? I mean, it's not going to cave in on me or anything, right?
Midna: (crosses her fingers behind her back) Oh yeah, it's perfectly safe.
Link: All right then . . .
Midna grabs him with her hair and pulls him onto the roof. She laughs as he falls through a hole covered up with hay and floats down after him.
Link: Ow . . . my aching wolfy rib cage . . .
Midna: Oh, get up, you lazy ball of fluff! That fall was nothing!
Link: Easy for you to say. You just floated down after me!
Midna: GET THE HELL UP ALREADY! I DON'T FEEL LIKE FLOATING ANYMORE!
Link: If you want to sit down so bad, why don't you just sit on the floor?!
Midna: Eeew! That's disgusting! The floor's dirty!
Link: Midna, are you afraid of dirt?!
Midna: How could I be? I hang out with you.
Link: (gasps) Oh no you di-n't!
Midna: Oh yes I di-id!
Link: (stands up and tries to snap his fingers- er, paws) Giiiiirl, you do not wanna mess with me!
Midna: Shut the hell up! Just turn on your sense view and look over there! (points to a random direction and sits on Link when he turns his head)
Link growls at her and turns on his sense view. He sees Talo, Malo, Colin, and Beth sitting next to a guy that looks like a girl. He turns towards the window and sees a fat guy wearing a welding mask.
Link: Crap, it's the little brats . . .
Midna: Shut up and listen!
Link sticks his tongue out at her and turns back to the group as the guy in the welding mask begins to speak.
Man In The Welding Mask: Hello, and welcome to Learning French: Lesson one. Repeat after me: Bonjour. Je m'appelle Alice. Now you try!
Link: Uh . . .
Midna: Oops, sorry! Wrong disk! (takes a random record player out of her invisible storage space, switches out the disk, and puts it back) There, that should be the right one!
Link: Uh, okay . . .
MITWM: I don't see any of those shadow monsters near by . . .
Man Who Looks Like A Girl: (says in a high, girly voice) Don't worry kids, I'm sure we're safe in here!
Link: WHAT THE FREAK?! WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A GIRL?!
Midna: Just shut up and listen!
Link: Stop telling me to shut up!
Midna: Am I gonna have to sew your mouth shut?
Link: You wouldn't dare!
Midna: (pulls out a needle and thread and smiles evilly) Oh wouldn't I?
Link: (stares wide-eyed at the needle and crouches down and listens)
MITWM: That's what you said about that lady's shop, and look what happened to her! She got eated!
Malo: (looks at the man with one eyebrow raised) Eated?
MWLLAG: Barnes has some speaking issues . . .
MITWM (aka Barnes): I don't gots no speakin' issues!
Malo: Right . . .
Barnes: You shuts up! Renado, tells him to shuts up!
MWLLAG (aka Renado): You know what Barnes? Why don't you shut up?
Barnes: I don't gots to shuts up! You gots to shuts up!
Renado: Don't you tell me to shut up! I'll beat yo ass!
Random Girl Sitting Next To Renado: (says in a deep voice) Father, maybe you should just calm down . . .
Renado: Shut the hell up, Luda! Go play with your dolls or something!
RGSNTR (aka Luda): Father, I still don't see why you insist on dressing me up like a girl when you know perfectly well I'm a boy . . .
Talo: Holy crap, you're a guy?!
Luda: Uh, yeah . . .
Talo: Ew, and I was gonna ask you out! Aw man! (starts gagging)
Luda: Okay, anyways . . . Barnes, if you're so freaked out, why don't just go hide in the cellar. You need to light all the torches in the room to open the door, though.
Barnes: That a stupid ways to lock a cellar! Oh wells, I tries it anyways . . . (takes a torch but falls down as he is running towards the second one)
Luda: However, I remember seeing some of those creepy bug things down there last time I checked. That's why we locked it in the first place.
Barnes: WHAT?! But you just . . . and I almost . . . ugh, I gives up! (goes over to a corner to sulk)
Beth: (puts her head in her hands and starts sobbing) WAH!
Colin: Beth, its okay! Link's coming to save us!
Beth: Shut up, Colin! That stupid fat head wouldn't risk his life for us unless he was paid a million bucks, and you know it!
Colin: That's not true!
Link: (turns to Midna) So about our little deal . . .
Midna: Don't even try, dog boy.
Link: Aw . . .
Colin: He loves us all and if we have faith in him, he'll come and save us!
Link: Ugh, just kill me already . . .
Midna: (pulls out a random ax) Okay!
Link: AH! NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!
Midna: (puts the ax away) Aw . . . (hears a sound like a record being scratched) Oh, I think they're all done! Aw, they don't even know you're here! I bet you'll be forced to toil in obscurity forever and no one will ever know about how you tried to save them from complete annihilation!
Link: (lip starts quivering) W-what . . .?
Midna: Oh, stop being such a baby! Just get a move on and let's find those bugs!
Link: -sniff- Okay . . .
Midna: (sighs and pulls out a dog treat) Oh Link, look what I got!
Link: (sees the treat) OOH, I WANT IT!
Midna: (puts the treat away) You can have it after you find all of the bugs. Now go!
Link takes off as fast as he can and lights all the torches in ten seconds. He jumps down into the cellar and quickly kills the three Twilit Parasites that he finds. Midna helps him come back out and they emerge into a graveyard.
Link: Midna, I don't like it in here . . .
Midna: Calm down, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Suddenly the ground right in front of them starts shifting and a zombie comes out.
Link: HOLY CRAP!
Zombie: RAAAAR!
Midna: I told you, there's nothing to be afraid of!
Link: There's an effin' zombie standing right in front of us and you're telling me there's nothing to be afraid of?!
Midna: Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you. Watch. (turns to the zombie) Hi, sorry to bother you, but we were looking for a little bug that lights up if you go near it. Have you by any chance seen it around here somewhere?
Zombie: Uhhh . . . (points to a gravestone and a spark appears)
Midna: Thanks!
Zombie: (nods and then goes back underground)
Midna: See, that wasn't so scary, was it? (sees Link staring at her like she's crazy) What?!
Link: Oh, nothing, it's just that the person who's supposed to be guiding me around is TALKING TO A DEAD GUY!
Midna: Just be quiet and get the bug! I found it for you, didn't I?!
Link: Yeah, but-
Midna: HURRY THE HELL UP ALREADY!
Link: Alright, geez, stop yellin' in my freakin' ear! Damn!
Link finds the bug and eats it and then comes back out of the graveyard. He walks across some very unstable roofs until he eventually comes to a shack. He goes inside and uses a torch to light the stove so the bug that's hiding in it will come out. The bug flies out but then immediately sends the whole shack up into flames.
Midna: Whoa! Hey, as romantic as this is, I'm not gonna stay in here and get killed! (flies out the little door)
Link: ROMANTIC?! WHAT?! (bug flies over and lights his tail on fire, making him howl) AWOOO!
Link runs out the door and Midna grabs his tail with her hair, making the fire go out. The two of them sit a safe distance away and watch as the shack turns to ashes.
Midna: (lies down on Link's back) Ah, isn't this so romantic? I love a nice, warm fire on cold days like this . . .
Link: (stares at Midna, shocked) Midna, that could be somebody's house!
Midna: Since when do you care about other people?!
Link: You have a point there . . .
Link follows a trail that leads to a lookout shack. He stops when he gets to it and looks out over the edge.
Link: Wow, we're really high up . . .
Midna: (floats up off of Link's back) You don't like heights? You wanna go back down?
Link: Yeah, kind of . . .
Midna: Well, down you go! (pushes Link over the edge)
Link: AHHHHHH-takes a breath-HHHHHHHH! (hits the ground) Ouchie . . .
Midna: (floats down to him) Ha ha, that was classic! You should've seen the look on your face!
Link: YOU &*#%*! YOU COULD HAVE EFFIN' KILLED ME! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
Midna: Oh, calm down! It's a known fact that if you drop from that tower, you hardly ever lose any energy! I bet you're not even hurt!
Link: (stands up and realizes that he is perfectly fine) Oh, you're right . . . well, it was still mean!
Midna: Just forget about it already and go find the rest of those bugs! You only have three more to get!
Link: Wait, I thought there were four . . .
Midna: Didn't you get the one inside the lookout shack already?!
Link: No, I was pushed off the edge before I could dig my way in!
Midna: Well isn't that just great?! Now we have to go all the way back up to that freakin' tower! I mean really, you couldn't have told me you still needed to get the bug before you fell off the edge?!
Link: It was kind of sudden! And I didn't fall, you pushed me!
Midna: I don't recall that incident.
Link: But you just- okay, you know what? I don't fell like arguing with you right now. I'm going back to get the bug. And don't you dare push me off again!
Midna sticks her tongue out at him and sits on his back. He retraces his steps and kills the bug that's hiding inside the shack. Midna tries to push him off again, but he jumps before she can touch him. He laughs at her as he falls and then hits the ground while Midna mutters about what in idiot he is. They walk down the street and find a trail leading up to Death Mountain. After some encouraging and more bribing with a dog treat, Midna finally convinces Link to go up the trail. They run along the trail until they come to a wall covered with mesh wire and a broken ladder.
Midna: Oh, this wall looks impassable . . . but, I can help you get to the top if you want.
Link: Aha! I just caught you in a fibby-fib!
Midna: Huh?
Link: You just contradicted yourself. You said that the wall was impassable, but then you said you could help me get to the top, therefore cancelling out your first statement and making the wall passable!
Midna: Wha- how did you get so smart all of a sudden?!
Link: (sniffing a piece of grass) Hey, this grass smells like lemon! (sees Midna staring at him) Oh, sorry, what were you saying?
Midna: (sighs exasperatedly) Never mind, Link . . .
Link jumps onto a rock and Midna uses her hand hair to pull him up to the top of the wall. She sits back down on Link and he turns on his sense view and sees a large, orange thing.
Link: Whoa, what the freak is that?!
Large Orange Thing: -sigh- I wish I didn't have to stand guard out here . . . I mean, why do the Elders think we need to keep watch anyway? It's not like any human is going to try and come up here while this fight is still going on between our peoples . . .
Link: Dude . . . that thing is ugly!
Midna: Link, be quiet and listen! That Goron is saying some important information!
Link: I'm not stayin' here with this thing! I'm leaving!
Midna: But you- oh! (grabs onto Link's fur as she is flung into the air by Link's sudden burst of speed as he runs away from the Goron)
Link runs along the path until he gets to an area full of vents randomly blowing steam everywhere. He sees a Twilit Parasite and kills it, and then he notices a stone with strange symbols on it. As he gets closer, he hears a strange melody coming from the stone.
Link: I don't know why, but I feel like howling this tune that's mysteriously playing. I think I'll try it now. (tries to howl the tune but messes up) . . . I think I'll try it now. (tries to howl the tune again but messes up again) God damn it!
Link tries to howl the tune again and, twenty tries later, he is transported to a world where the only thing that he can touch is the floating platform he's standing on. He looks to his right and sees the White Wolf sitting on another floating platform.
Link: Hey, 'sup dude!
White Wolf: Oh crap, it's you! Man, I was hoping you would have died by now . . .
Link: Hey, let's howl a tune together! (starts howling the song and the Wolf joins in)
White Wolf: Let teachings of old pass to you. Take sword in hand and find me . . . (jumps off the platform)
Link: Noooooo! Why'd you have to do it?! There was so mush to live for! (starts sobbing)
White Wolf: (voice comes out of nowhere) Stop crying, you idiot! I'm not dead! There's a ledge three feet below where I just was!
Link: (looks down and sees the Wolf sitting on a ledge three feet below where he just was) Oh. Well, will you look at that! You're alive!
The White Wolf rolls his eyes and Link is transported back to the Death Mountain path. Midna lands on his back when he stands up.
Link: Oof! Softer landings, Midna!
Midna: Shut up dog boy, and hurry up already!
Link: Don't you want to know where I was?
Midna: No, I really don't. Can we just go find the last bug now?
Link: Ugh, fine . . .
They continue up the trail until they come to a big, open space that looks like a giant crater. Link bounds down the rock stairs but stops when a portal opens up in the sky and three Twili Messengers fall out.
TM#1: Alright, ghost dog, it's time for you to get busted!
TM#2+3: (starts singing) Dun na na na na na, GHOSTBUSTERS! Du na na na na na! GHOSTBUSTERS!
Midna: YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU DUMBASSES ALWAYS COMING OUT OF NOWHERE JUST TO SLOW US DOWN! NOW, YOU'D BETTER LEAVE BEFORE I COUNT TO THREE, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE THE GHOSTS!
TM#1: (cowers next to the other Messengers) D-do you think she's serious?
Midna: ONE . . .
TM#2: Holy crap! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (gets sucked back into the portal)
Midna: TWO . . .
TM#3: Hey, wait for me! (gets sucked back into the portal)
Midna: THREE! (shoots an energy blast at the remaining Messenger)
TM#1: HOLY SH- (gets fried by Midna's energy blast)
Midna: (floating slightly above Link, snarling and nearly trembling with rage) There, that should be the end of those guys!
Link: Um, M-Midna . . .?
Midna: (sits back down on Link's back) Yes Link? Is there a problem?
Link: (gulps) N-no, not at all . . . let's just go get that last bug, alright?
Midna: Sounds like a plan. You know, I feel much better now . . . it's good to let out all that pent-up stress once in a while.
Link: Uh, Midna, I was just wondering . . . did you ever think about maybe going to see someone about your anger management issues?
Midna: (forms another energy ball in her hands) What was that, dog boy?
Link: Oh, uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Heh heh . . .
Midna: (puts the ball away) That's what I thought.
Link quickly finds another bug and then continues up the mountain with Midna's help. He stops when he comes to another Goron standing guard.
Goron: I wonder why they put me all the way back here . . . It's not like any human is going to ever make this far . . . oh no, what if they put me back here because they think I'm useless?!
Link: No, they put you back here because you're so damn ugly! Oh, burn!
Midna: Link!
Link: You just got fried like an enchilada on the sidewalk in the middle of summer!
Midna: Okay, you just ruined it . . .
Goron: (starts sniffling) That's so mean! Mommy, he hurt my feelings! (goes running off crying)
Link: What-
Midna: (yelling after the Goron) HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE EXISTS, YOU RETARD! YOU'RE GONNA MESS UP THE WHOLE THING!
Link: What whole thing?!
Midna: Uh . . .
The Author: (voice comes out of nowhere) Midna, you'd better watch yourself . . .
Midna: (looks up at the sky) I know, I'm sorry!
The Author: Just be careful, or we're gonna have to replace you with Navi!
Link: Who's 'we'?! And why is there a random voice coming out of nowhere?! And why do I feel like something's going on?! And why do I suddenly have this strange craving for tacos?!
Midna: (floats up to the top of the mountain) Hey look, another bug!
She fries the bug with one of her energy blasts and Link immediately passes out and is transported back to the spring. He wakes up to find that he is back in his human form, and the village is now full of light.
Spirit: (appears) Hey, you made it back okay!
Link: What's that supposed to mean?!
Spirit: Well, I mean, I thought you weren't gonna make it, seeing as how you're an idiot and all . . .
Link: Well I never! (turns around)
The spirit shrugs and disappears, leaving him with no clue of what he's supposed to do next. Suddenly, the door to the hut opens and everyone who Link saw before steps out.
Renado: Hello, my name's Renado and this is my daughter, Luda!
Luda: Actually, I'm a boy . . .
Renado: Shut up! Anyways, you are Link, correct? These kids have been telling me all about you and how they knew you were coming to save them!
Beth: Yeah, everyone knew you were coming. Except Colin. He called you a big fat head and said you wouldn't come unless you were paid a million bucks!
Colin: But I never . . . you said . . . ugh!
Link: (gasps) Colin, you called me a fat head?! That's not very nice! (pushes Colin over onto his butt)
Colin: Ow! What the heck Link?! You know me butt is very fragile!
Link: Uh, TMI!
Renado: Hey Link, do you mind taking the little brats- er, children home? I, uh, have some important business to attend to . . .
Malo: He just wants us to go away because he hates us and thinks we're annoying.
Link: I feel your pain. But, I'm not gonna take 'em home. At least not right now. Right now, I'm gonna go get me a nice plate of fried cucco! (sees a random cucco walk by out of nowhere) Midna, do your stuff!
Midna: . . .
Link: Uh, hello?
Midna . . .
Link: No, she's gone! How am I gonna get my fried cucco now?! WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?! (starts sobbing and pounding on the ground)
Renado: Whoa . . . okay kids, let's just go inside now and hope he calms down so he can take you home . . .
Talo: Are we gonna get some food too?
Renado: No!
The kids start whining as they follow Renado into the house. Link keeps pounding his fists on the ground until he somehow manages to hit himself in the head and knock himself out. He lays there until sunset, and then he finally wakes up and realizes what he has to do to get Midna back . . .
A/N: Please review! Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, we got an unlimited supply of exclamation points, so no more smilies! Yay!
Link: Yay:) (sees Midna holding up Twilight) AH! (hides under a desk)